angst warning X3
DECEASED
alma had hornets in her nest and sat straight up in bed willing ennis to wake up.
he did, and rubbed his eyes when he saw the lamp on the bedside table flickering. he hit it, which made the bulb sit straight, but now it shone full force into his face.
"what time is it?" he asked, speech slurred, slow arms reaching out to hold his wife.
alma rejected him by folding her arms across her chest tightly. "it's four in the morning."
ennis thought it was the baby again and tried to open his eyes. "you all right? you feel okay, alma?"
"oh, i'm fine, but you seem hot and bothered, don't you?" her voice was testy.
ennis thought he knew what she was talking about. he didn't have to reach down; all he did was press down with his hips to feel he was hard as a rock and poking out of his pajamas. he grinned a little.
alma saw him do this and it made her more incensed. "hmmph!"
he didn't understand his wife, and was still a little groggy. he rubbed his eyes again. "so? so what? jeez."
"ennis, you woke me up with your moving around. you know how this bed's so squeaky."
"i'm sorry, i'll try not to--"
alma cut to the chase. "who the hell is jack? someone you rodeoed with?"
"i-i-i don't know what you're talking about," ennis lied through his teeth.
"well, you kept calling his name, saying you love him. who is he? family? someone you know that i ain't met?"
"alma, you must have heard wrong, i don't--"
alma's voice was trembling, but strong. "oh, i heard you all right, ennis. it's the same damn name you been calling out off and on for the last two years! you even said his name on our wedding night."
ennis pretended that every word he heard from his wife was a lie and that she must have misunderstandings. he tried to talk his way out of it by making up a story.
"no, you were NOT saying jake," she hissed, when ennis suggested that maybe he was talking about a dog he grew up with as a kid. it was a lie he made up on the spot, out of desperation and need.
"besides, why would you be pressing into the the bed when you called out his name? you weren't fuckin no dog, ennis, you were fuckin someone name a jack!"
"dammit, alma, be quiet! you'll wake the baby."
"the baby can sleep through it. i can't."
"well, i don't know what the hell you're talkin about. i don't know no jack. shit, you're hearin things!"
"ennis, i know what you say. you talk in your sleep. and tonight, i asked you things and you answered me."
ennis was wide awake now and trembling, but he did not move from under the sheet. alma saw him hiding, and that's when she zeroed in.
"you wanna know what you said when i asked if jack was your friend? you said that you two--"
ennis turned in the bed so fast alma jumped like she'd been whipped.
"alma, you best shut your mouth right now. there's things you don't know about me, things i keep secret. if you know what's right..."
he didn't know it, but he'd grabbed her roughly, yet the look in his eyes hurt more than her wrist.
"ennis, stop, you're hurting me!"
"and i'll hurt you more if you don't leave me be!"
as the hot tears came tumbling down her cheeks, alma started to sob uncontrollably. ennis, confused beyond belief, did the only thing he could think of and told his wife he was sorry.
she let him hug her and succumbed to his twisted sense of grief. alma then let him in, to do the one thing he did that she hated more than anything.
the next morning, there was a note on her pillow, on unlined paper, written in pencil, folded in half twice. it said,
"dear ennis, i drove to my daddy's place. alma junior is with me. don't bother to come by, we're finished. by the way, what you said when i asked you in your sleep, about jack being your friend? all you said was this: we herded sheep up on brokeback. that's ALL, ennis. but i know by your actions that he was more than that, so maybe, if i leave you, you can get on with your sick and twisted life."
it was not signed, and there was no heart and smiley face this time, like she always drew on the other notes she left for him.
ennis killed himself that morning, without getting dressed, using the rifle his daddy gave him when he was just fourteen.
the next week, a postcard arrived in the del mar mailbox, but it was sent back to texas, stamped in red ink: DECEASED.
.