Quotapalooza! Part 1
Here is a crap-load of quotes to get you off my back. Now I don't have
to type ANYMORE quotes EVER AGAIN! (Unless you want me to.)
~~~
Peter: Now, not a word to your mom about me getting canned.
Lois: Whats that Peter?
Peter: Ah, ah, nothing. Ooh, the lost-my-job smells great!
Lois: What?
Peter: Uh, uh Meg, honey, can you pass the fired-my-ass-for-negligence?
Lois: Peter are you feeling okay?
Peter: Oh, I feel great! I haven't got a job in the world!
~~~
Peter: What-what-what could you and me do together? (Lois giggles)
Peter: Lois! You've got a sick mind.
Lois: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter: Ohhh. I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest
their organs for beer money.
~~~
Peter: I cannot wait to taste this cake. The guy who sold it to me said
it was delicious AND erotic. Lois: Peter, there's a naked man on this
cake.
Peter: Well, there were only two left, and-and trust me, you did not
want the one of Al Roker with the Hershey Kiss nipples.
~~~
(Peter talking to a ghost)
Peter: Hey, wait-wait-wait. If I walk through you, does that mean we
did it?
Patriot (ghost): Sheesh, what's with you and all the gay jokes?
~~~
(Peter turns on the dial of a police scanner. Brian walks in)
Dispatcher: (from radio) We have a gang shooting on Third and Main.
Three wounded, one dead.
Brain: Is it me, or is rap music just gettign lazier?
~~~
Mitch: All right! All right! You've got three days to earn a badge.
Peter: Three days?! That's tomorrow!
~~~
Peter: You gotta help me, Brain. Teach me how to be a gentleman.
Brian: Well, Peter it's really not that hard. Ah, let's start with
polite conversation. For example, "It's a pleasure to see you again.
Lovely weather we're having." Now you try.
Peter: It's a pleasure to see you again. After Hogan's Heroes, Bob
Crane got his skull crushed by a friend who videotaped him having rough
sex. (proudly) How's that?
~~~
Lois: He just left without saying anything? Where would he go?
Peter: I don't know. I just asked him to buy me some peanuts and
cracker jacks.
Brian: I don't care if he ever gets back....I wasn't being cute. I
really hope he's dead.
~~~
Chicken Man: There won't be any other time. The world is going to end
at midnight tonight! Y2K!
Peter: Y2K...? What are you selling chicken or sex jelly?!
~~~
Chris: (on the phone) So, uh, what are you wearing? Wow, I bet you
could see right through that!
Lois: Chris, who are you talking to?
Chris: Grandma.
~~~
Lois: And to think they used to be our best friends.
Peter: Well, that was then. And this is now. And this is a chair. And
that's a lamp. And you have boobies. And I'm gonna find that trophy!
~~~
Peter: I'll take this one. But I won't pay a cent over sixty bucks.
Salesman: Sir, that casket costs a thousand dollars.
Petter: Okay, seventy bucks.
Salesman: What?
Peter: TWO-THOUSAND BUCKS!
Salesman: That's twice what it costs!
Pater: Forty bucks.
Salesman: What?!?
Brian: He-he doesn't know how to haggle.
~~~
Peter: Hey, hey, I have more creativity in my whole body than most
people do before 9 A.M.
Lois: The only thing you create before 9 A.M. is exactly what you
turned my show into.
Peter: I think my work will speak for itself. (Peter Exits....then
re-enters)
Peter: Oh, ha-ha, I just got that. A poop joke? That's real creative,
Lois.
~~~
Peter: Lois what--what da is it?
Lois: Thursday.
Peter: Oh, my god. Oh, my god! I'm late!
Lois: If you spent less time fixing your hair-
Peter: No, Lois. I'm late late. Do we still have that pregnancy test?
Lois: Are you insane? You can't have a baby!
Peter: Well, I don't have a lot of options. I'm Catholic. God, I
thought you'd be happy. (Starts crying and bolts out of the room)
~~~
Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book on this sort of thing once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?
Peter: Oh yeah.
~~~
Tom Tucker: Mr. Griffin, your opening statement, please?
Peter: Uh, okay, uh, I'm Peter Griffin. Vote for me.
....
Tom Tucker: Is that it?
Peter: Uh, no. Uh, this is it. This is life, the one you get, so go and
have a ball. Because the world don't move to
the beat of just one drum, what might be right for you, may not be
right for some. You take the good, you take the bad, you take 'em both
and there you have....my opening statement. Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.
~~~
Peter: Look at this, Lois. See, right there. I was voted "Most Likely
to Succeed".
Lois: Peter, that's not you. That's not even a yearbook. That's a
People magazine.
Peter: Oh...Well, I wondered why they had the worng picture and name.
~~~
Meg: God, this is worse than having Ronald McDonald as a father.
(Flashback to Ronald McDonald's house)
Lisa: Bye, dad, don't wait up!
Ronald: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute, wait a minute, Lisa. You're
not going out with all that makeup on.
Lisa: But dad-!
Ronald: Upstairs. You're a McDonald. Not a whore.
~~~
Brian: Hey, uh, kid, listen, uh, thanks for not ratting me out. Is
there anything I can do to pay you back?
Stewie: Oh, yes, you remember that episode of The Brady Bunch where
Bobby saved Greg's life and Greg became his slave?
Brian: Yeah...
Stewie: It's on this afternoon. You can tape it for me. And put a nice
label on it.
~~~
...
Peter: And that's my plan, Principle Shepard. So you with me?
Principle: But you didn't tell me anything. You just sat down and said,
"And that's my plan".
Peter: Oh, oh, right.
~~~
Arab: Mumkin tukuni miratti?
Lois: Excuse me?
Arab: I said, "May I have a blanket?"
Lois: Oh, yes, of course-
Arab: Ha! I really said, "Will you be my wife?" And you said, "Yes" so
now it is official! Let me touch your face.
~~~
Peter: Look, don't worry. I got it all worked out. We'll move to
England, heh? The worst they got there is, ah, drive-by, uh, arguments.
(Cutaway to England)
Englishman1: I say, Jeremy, isn't that Reginald B. Stiffworth, the
young upstart chap who's been touting the merits of a united European
Commonwealth?
Englishman2: Why, yes, I daresay that's the fellow.
Englishman1: Oh, let's get him!
(The car drives up to another Englishman. They roll down the window)
Englishman1: Oh Reginald!
(Reginald turns to look)
Englishman1: I disagree!
(Car speeds away)
~~~
Cleveland: Peter, if you're that desperate about Chris's weight, wh
do't you suck the fat out?
Peter: Look, if you can find a hold on the boy that you want to put
your lips on, be my guest.
~~~
Peter: Well, I'm gettin' something really special, too. An-and-and by
"special" I don't mean "special" like that Kleinerman boy down the
street. More like "special" like-like Special K the creeal. Hey, what
do they do with the regular K? And for that matter, what ever happened
to Kay Ballard? You know, if you had a cold and said "mallard" it would
sound like "Ballard".
Brian: Do you even listen to yourself when you talk?
Peter: Eh, I drift in and out.
~~~
Meg: Excuse me, Mayor West-
West: How do you know my language?
Meg: Listen to me. My entire future is in your hands.
West: Are you Sarah Connor?
Meg: No...I'm Meg Griffin. See, I need to interview you and-
West: You're with the press?
Meg: Yeah.
West: Well...you can interview a dead man....can you?!
(He jumps out of the window)
~~~
Peter: (in a beer factory) Aw, it's like I died and went to heaven. But
then they realized it wasn't my time and so they sent me back to a
brewery.
~~~
Peter: Boys, I'm a miracle worker. I have used all my parenting skills
to change my son from a lazy slacker into a working man.
Joe: Nice going, Peter!
Peter: Yeah, up yours, Joe.
Joe: What?
Peter: Thanks.
~~~
Lois: So, how was your day?
Brian: My day? Un-freakin'-believable. First-first we nailed the
bastard who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter's doll. Her
doll, for God's sake. Oh, where's the line anymore? Well, I got news
for you: it's-it's-it's-it's-it's not even on the radar screen! The
days of decency are gone, honey. BAM! Freakin' evaporated like a dingy,
stink' mud puddle. One-one day you-you-you see your reflection in it,
and the next day it's-it's a, it's a, it's a damn oil spot on your
cracked driveway, staring back at you, mocking you, blah blah blah,
know the perverted truth that rot in the oit of your soul! That's how
my freakin' day was.
(After a while of awkward silence)
Peter: You know what I haven't had in a while? Big League Chew.
~~~
Suck-up: Morning Mr. Griffin. Nice day.
Peter: Eh, it's a little cloudy.
Suck-up: It's absolutely cloudy. One of the worst days I've seen in years. So, good news about the Yankees?
Peter: I hate the Yankees.
Suck-up: Pack of cheaters, that's what they are. I like your tie.
Peter: I hate this tie.
Suck-up: It's awful, it's gaudy, it's gotta go.
Peter: (leading) And I hate myself.
Suck-up: I hate you too. You make me sick, you fat sack of crap.
Peter: But I'm the president.
Suck-up: The best there is.
Peter: But you just said you hated me.
Suck-up: (Malfunctioning) But-not-you-the-president-the-one-who-said-you-hated-you. You-who-love-hate-Yankees-clouds-
(Blows up)
~~~
Lois: Why are you acting like this? Nigel's charming. All British men are.
Peter: Yeah right, that's what they said out Benjamin Disraeli.
(Flashback to his home)
Benjamin: You don't even know who I am.
Oh man. Done for today. I will do some more later. So, go on. Laugh at the one's you got here.
to type ANYMORE quotes EVER AGAIN! (Unless you want me to.)
~~~
Peter: Now, not a word to your mom about me getting canned.
Lois: Whats that Peter?
Peter: Ah, ah, nothing. Ooh, the lost-my-job smells great!
Lois: What?
Peter: Uh, uh Meg, honey, can you pass the fired-my-ass-for-negligence?
Lois: Peter are you feeling okay?
Peter: Oh, I feel great! I haven't got a job in the world!
~~~
Peter: What-what-what could you and me do together? (Lois giggles)
Peter: Lois! You've got a sick mind.
Lois: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter: Ohhh. I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest
their organs for beer money.
~~~
Peter: I cannot wait to taste this cake. The guy who sold it to me said
it was delicious AND erotic. Lois: Peter, there's a naked man on this
cake.
Peter: Well, there were only two left, and-and trust me, you did not
want the one of Al Roker with the Hershey Kiss nipples.
~~~
(Peter talking to a ghost)
Peter: Hey, wait-wait-wait. If I walk through you, does that mean we
did it?
Patriot (ghost): Sheesh, what's with you and all the gay jokes?
~~~
(Peter turns on the dial of a police scanner. Brian walks in)
Dispatcher: (from radio) We have a gang shooting on Third and Main.
Three wounded, one dead.
Brain: Is it me, or is rap music just gettign lazier?
~~~
Mitch: All right! All right! You've got three days to earn a badge.
Peter: Three days?! That's tomorrow!
~~~
Peter: You gotta help me, Brain. Teach me how to be a gentleman.
Brian: Well, Peter it's really not that hard. Ah, let's start with
polite conversation. For example, "It's a pleasure to see you again.
Lovely weather we're having." Now you try.
Peter: It's a pleasure to see you again. After Hogan's Heroes, Bob
Crane got his skull crushed by a friend who videotaped him having rough
sex. (proudly) How's that?
~~~
Lois: He just left without saying anything? Where would he go?
Peter: I don't know. I just asked him to buy me some peanuts and
cracker jacks.
Brian: I don't care if he ever gets back....I wasn't being cute. I
really hope he's dead.
~~~
Chicken Man: There won't be any other time. The world is going to end
at midnight tonight! Y2K!
Peter: Y2K...? What are you selling chicken or sex jelly?!
~~~
Chris: (on the phone) So, uh, what are you wearing? Wow, I bet you
could see right through that!
Lois: Chris, who are you talking to?
Chris: Grandma.
~~~
Lois: And to think they used to be our best friends.
Peter: Well, that was then. And this is now. And this is a chair. And
that's a lamp. And you have boobies. And I'm gonna find that trophy!
~~~
Peter: I'll take this one. But I won't pay a cent over sixty bucks.
Salesman: Sir, that casket costs a thousand dollars.
Petter: Okay, seventy bucks.
Salesman: What?
Peter: TWO-THOUSAND BUCKS!
Salesman: That's twice what it costs!
Pater: Forty bucks.
Salesman: What?!?
Brian: He-he doesn't know how to haggle.
~~~
Peter: Hey, hey, I have more creativity in my whole body than most
people do before 9 A.M.
Lois: The only thing you create before 9 A.M. is exactly what you
turned my show into.
Peter: I think my work will speak for itself. (Peter Exits....then
re-enters)
Peter: Oh, ha-ha, I just got that. A poop joke? That's real creative,
Lois.
~~~
Peter: Lois what--what da is it?
Lois: Thursday.
Peter: Oh, my god. Oh, my god! I'm late!
Lois: If you spent less time fixing your hair-
Peter: No, Lois. I'm late late. Do we still have that pregnancy test?
Lois: Are you insane? You can't have a baby!
Peter: Well, I don't have a lot of options. I'm Catholic. God, I
thought you'd be happy. (Starts crying and bolts out of the room)
~~~
Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book on this sort of thing once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?
Peter: Oh yeah.
~~~
Tom Tucker: Mr. Griffin, your opening statement, please?
Peter: Uh, okay, uh, I'm Peter Griffin. Vote for me.
....
Tom Tucker: Is that it?
Peter: Uh, no. Uh, this is it. This is life, the one you get, so go and
have a ball. Because the world don't move to
the beat of just one drum, what might be right for you, may not be
right for some. You take the good, you take the bad, you take 'em both
and there you have....my opening statement. Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.
~~~
Peter: Look at this, Lois. See, right there. I was voted "Most Likely
to Succeed".
Lois: Peter, that's not you. That's not even a yearbook. That's a
People magazine.
Peter: Oh...Well, I wondered why they had the worng picture and name.
~~~
Meg: God, this is worse than having Ronald McDonald as a father.
(Flashback to Ronald McDonald's house)
Lisa: Bye, dad, don't wait up!
Ronald: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute, wait a minute, Lisa. You're
not going out with all that makeup on.
Lisa: But dad-!
Ronald: Upstairs. You're a McDonald. Not a whore.
~~~
Brian: Hey, uh, kid, listen, uh, thanks for not ratting me out. Is
there anything I can do to pay you back?
Stewie: Oh, yes, you remember that episode of The Brady Bunch where
Bobby saved Greg's life and Greg became his slave?
Brian: Yeah...
Stewie: It's on this afternoon. You can tape it for me. And put a nice
label on it.
~~~
...
Peter: And that's my plan, Principle Shepard. So you with me?
Principle: But you didn't tell me anything. You just sat down and said,
"And that's my plan".
Peter: Oh, oh, right.
~~~
Arab: Mumkin tukuni miratti?
Lois: Excuse me?
Arab: I said, "May I have a blanket?"
Lois: Oh, yes, of course-
Arab: Ha! I really said, "Will you be my wife?" And you said, "Yes" so
now it is official! Let me touch your face.
~~~
Peter: Look, don't worry. I got it all worked out. We'll move to
England, heh? The worst they got there is, ah, drive-by, uh, arguments.
(Cutaway to England)
Englishman1: I say, Jeremy, isn't that Reginald B. Stiffworth, the
young upstart chap who's been touting the merits of a united European
Commonwealth?
Englishman2: Why, yes, I daresay that's the fellow.
Englishman1: Oh, let's get him!
(The car drives up to another Englishman. They roll down the window)
Englishman1: Oh Reginald!
(Reginald turns to look)
Englishman1: I disagree!
(Car speeds away)
~~~
Cleveland: Peter, if you're that desperate about Chris's weight, wh
do't you suck the fat out?
Peter: Look, if you can find a hold on the boy that you want to put
your lips on, be my guest.
~~~
Peter: Well, I'm gettin' something really special, too. An-and-and by
"special" I don't mean "special" like that Kleinerman boy down the
street. More like "special" like-like Special K the creeal. Hey, what
do they do with the regular K? And for that matter, what ever happened
to Kay Ballard? You know, if you had a cold and said "mallard" it would
sound like "Ballard".
Brian: Do you even listen to yourself when you talk?
Peter: Eh, I drift in and out.
~~~
Meg: Excuse me, Mayor West-
West: How do you know my language?
Meg: Listen to me. My entire future is in your hands.
West: Are you Sarah Connor?
Meg: No...I'm Meg Griffin. See, I need to interview you and-
West: You're with the press?
Meg: Yeah.
West: Well...you can interview a dead man....can you?!
(He jumps out of the window)
~~~
Peter: (in a beer factory) Aw, it's like I died and went to heaven. But
then they realized it wasn't my time and so they sent me back to a
brewery.
~~~
Peter: Boys, I'm a miracle worker. I have used all my parenting skills
to change my son from a lazy slacker into a working man.
Joe: Nice going, Peter!
Peter: Yeah, up yours, Joe.
Joe: What?
Peter: Thanks.
~~~
Lois: So, how was your day?
Brian: My day? Un-freakin'-believable. First-first we nailed the
bastard who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter's doll. Her
doll, for God's sake. Oh, where's the line anymore? Well, I got news
for you: it's-it's-it's-it's-it's not even on the radar screen! The
days of decency are gone, honey. BAM! Freakin' evaporated like a dingy,
stink' mud puddle. One-one day you-you-you see your reflection in it,
and the next day it's-it's a, it's a, it's a damn oil spot on your
cracked driveway, staring back at you, mocking you, blah blah blah,
know the perverted truth that rot in the oit of your soul! That's how
my freakin' day was.
(After a while of awkward silence)
Peter: You know what I haven't had in a while? Big League Chew.
~~~
Suck-up: Morning Mr. Griffin. Nice day.
Peter: Eh, it's a little cloudy.
Suck-up: It's absolutely cloudy. One of the worst days I've seen in years. So, good news about the Yankees?
Peter: I hate the Yankees.
Suck-up: Pack of cheaters, that's what they are. I like your tie.
Peter: I hate this tie.
Suck-up: It's awful, it's gaudy, it's gotta go.
Peter: (leading) And I hate myself.
Suck-up: I hate you too. You make me sick, you fat sack of crap.
Peter: But I'm the president.
Suck-up: The best there is.
Peter: But you just said you hated me.
Suck-up: (Malfunctioning) But-not-you-the-president-the-one-who-said-you-hated-you. You-who-love-hate-Yankees-clouds-
(Blows up)
~~~
Lois: Why are you acting like this? Nigel's charming. All British men are.
Peter: Yeah right, that's what they said out Benjamin Disraeli.
(Flashback to his home)
Benjamin: You don't even know who I am.
Oh man. Done for today. I will do some more later. So, go on. Laugh at the one's you got here.