The Magic Medal
It was either memorial day, or 4th of july, probably 1982 or so I'm guessing. It was a gorgeous Day and we were all at my grandmothers house, yes, the one in keansburg. That house was the one with all the marbles, the house that my mother grew up in. It was Red, and the yard was surrounded by a fairly low brick-type barrier that my grandfather had put up as project before i was born. The ground was always covered by bad apples that my grandmother would have us pick up, and those prickly little burr-like things on the ground that would get caught in your socks. My uncle was a Marathon runner (and is now a highschool track coach), he was always big into egging us on... I was an annoying little bastard, I understand., That particular day, I was offered a challenge, to run around the house 20 times and he'd give me a medal. Since I can't run, This was a big thing for me. So being the good little Nephew, I began to run around the house, 20 times. When i was finished, he went inside and got this strange heavy chain with Metal Thing on it... In hindsight, it must have been some kind of costume accessory or something. I was so Damned proud of that medal and always gloated about it. Little did I know it had secret Powers. We had This Big RCA tv set in our den in colts neck. An old school set that sat on the ground from like the early 70's. One day I went in there while my mother and stepfather were watching the news with my medal around my neck and was fiddling with it. The Thing made a loud kind of Clunky noise (Like Igor in chains in the Monster Mash Song). What ever frequency that chain was, was the same frequency for the Television, and it wound up changing the channel on the set. So as it turned out... my magic chain was a replacement for the remote control! I kept that medal for a long time, kept that TV in my room too until the thing stopped functioning. It was just such a neat little trick :)
Anyhow, obviously I havent updated my journal in a significant amount of time, over a year, and while so much has changed, so much as stayed the same. Ultimately I find myself in the same predicament I was in When i began this journal: not knowing where to start, lacking all motivation, feeling like a slug, feeling kind of down, etc. I guess I just need something to do to kill my time and feel productive at the same time. Life's a game, and we are all players... yada yada.... Im tired of that. I'm sick of playing the game and getting nothing back but this hollow unfulfilled, kinda fearful feeling. The Game Never ends, so I guess whats most important really ISNT whether you win or lose, but whether you're happy about what place you are in. Im not the happiest camper in the world. I am alone, in NJ, with 3 more months until I am alone again for real (possibly). I feel like I have no energy and I have lost the ability to communicate, like im frozen in some kind of time warp. I love and hate NJ at the same time.. Its my home, all my life, but its also ridiculously expensive, and ill never be able to afford a house, alone. They Say If you can Make it Here, you can make it anywhere. I am stubborn, I have pushed on all my life. I have run 20 laps time and time again, and i dont want to bow out, because the fear of being a failure is possibly the root of all this anxiety. What do I have to show for my work? Noone special in my REAL life, unappreciated at work. Ready to Scrap all of my possessions to move into the Cheapest lifestyle i can find to get enough money to put a downpayment down on an over priced 200 thousand dollar plus, one bedroom condo. I fear Failing my friends, not being there for them. But My Question is, do my friends feel that way for me? Or is it all about them? I think too much, I spend my time thinking and worrying and feeling crappy, and not enough time ACTING and doing things that make me feel better about myself. Being online, playing a game isn't gonna make that go away.. it just gives me a fake sense of fulfillment. So, Once again, Im gonna start TODAY. I'm gonna finish this entry, and go to the gym. And when i get home, Im gonna Clean my Room, and tomorrow, I'm gonna pay all my bills. Im NOT gonna go out to the pub, I'm gonna go to bed early. I dont want to feel like I'm 80 anymore.
Anyhow, obviously I havent updated my journal in a significant amount of time, over a year, and while so much has changed, so much as stayed the same. Ultimately I find myself in the same predicament I was in When i began this journal: not knowing where to start, lacking all motivation, feeling like a slug, feeling kind of down, etc. I guess I just need something to do to kill my time and feel productive at the same time. Life's a game, and we are all players... yada yada.... Im tired of that. I'm sick of playing the game and getting nothing back but this hollow unfulfilled, kinda fearful feeling. The Game Never ends, so I guess whats most important really ISNT whether you win or lose, but whether you're happy about what place you are in. Im not the happiest camper in the world. I am alone, in NJ, with 3 more months until I am alone again for real (possibly). I feel like I have no energy and I have lost the ability to communicate, like im frozen in some kind of time warp. I love and hate NJ at the same time.. Its my home, all my life, but its also ridiculously expensive, and ill never be able to afford a house, alone. They Say If you can Make it Here, you can make it anywhere. I am stubborn, I have pushed on all my life. I have run 20 laps time and time again, and i dont want to bow out, because the fear of being a failure is possibly the root of all this anxiety. What do I have to show for my work? Noone special in my REAL life, unappreciated at work. Ready to Scrap all of my possessions to move into the Cheapest lifestyle i can find to get enough money to put a downpayment down on an over priced 200 thousand dollar plus, one bedroom condo. I fear Failing my friends, not being there for them. But My Question is, do my friends feel that way for me? Or is it all about them? I think too much, I spend my time thinking and worrying and feeling crappy, and not enough time ACTING and doing things that make me feel better about myself. Being online, playing a game isn't gonna make that go away.. it just gives me a fake sense of fulfillment. So, Once again, Im gonna start TODAY. I'm gonna finish this entry, and go to the gym. And when i get home, Im gonna Clean my Room, and tomorrow, I'm gonna pay all my bills. Im NOT gonna go out to the pub, I'm gonna go to bed early. I dont want to feel like I'm 80 anymore.