TorCon 2017
So it’s been a week, and it’s taken me this long to really wrap my head around the whole experience of TorCon. I still haven’t fully digested it all, but I’m at the point now where I can write about it coherently. It was such an amazing experience, I have to share it.
It was my first convention, and while I knew it would be awesome, I had no idea just HOW awesome it would be. My expectations were very much blown away.
I live in Vermont, so it required some travel. I drove to my dearest non_tiembo_mala's house in Kingston on Tuesday, met her sweet baby and had some time to hang out with her and chill before we hopped on a train to Toronto on Thursday. It's been a long time since I've been in a city - so when she told me it was 'just a short walk' from the train station to the hotel, I seriously underestimated - I'm completely unused to walking that far (especially carrying luggage - I was totally dumb and brought a duffel instead of a rolling suitcase!) - lesson one that I need to get myself in shape!
We had a bit of time to hang out with Courtney and Tori before we needed to head back to Union Station to meet my other dearest, dancing_adrift. We went to dinner and yes, I got the poutine! (This was my third trip to Canada, and I've been hooked on that gooey, gravy-laden food of the gods since the first trip!) After dinner it was off to meet Amanda - poor girl probably thought I was never going to let go when I hugged her after she got off the train! She, Sam and I have talked on Twitter every day for two years, and this was the first time I'd met her in person, and the first time the three of us had been together! That alone made the weekend so, so amazing.
We all got settled in at the hotel then went over to the convention center to get registered. I'd seen various people around the hotel already, wearing AKF or Supernatural shirts - I'm from a small town so that's new to me. Here were actual Supernatural fans! Registration intensified this - all these people! They all love the same thing I do! Holy crap! I didn't really talk to anyone other than my group of friends, but it was just this feeling of relief - just knowing I was there with all these other people who know - and I know they know because they wouldn't be there if they didn't know - how passionate we all are about our show - it was just amazing.
After registration, it was back to the room and time for bed. It would have been nice if I'd slept, but...nope. I dozed most of the night, really slept for maybe two hours. I was so excited and nervous and anxious, it just wasn't conducive to sleep AT ALL. Morning came and it was time for breakfast and getting ready for the convention to start. We went to a diner (Fran's) and then back to the hotel - I tried to get a nap in, but as I laid there my anxiety took over. I felt so sick and exhausted. I was ready to hang it up - I felt like the whole convention just wasn't something I was going to be able to do. Thank goodness for Amanda and Sam. I told them what I was feeling, got some hugs, and Amanda suggested I just go down for the welcome - just stay for a little while and see how I felt then. And she was totally right. It was all fear of the unknown. Once I sat down, and started listening to Rich and Rob bantering up there on stage, I relaxed and felt better. My friends are just THE BEST.
We watched panels for the rest of the morning - Julian Richings and Emily Swallow. They were both delightful! I think we went out to lunch after those - I was really tired that day, so some things are a bit fuzzy! At any rate, we went back to the theatre for Jason Manns' panel - I've loved him for years now, and to hear him sing live and in person was just amazing. His recorded music and stage-it shows pale in comparison. I just love him so much!
After his panel Kim and Brianna were up. I only stayed for half of that, because - you guessed it - anxiety struck again. Sam and I were sharing a photo op with Jason right after and I started freaking out - it's one thing to sit in the audience and watch a fave up on stage, but now I was going to actually MEET him, talk to him, HUG him for crying out loud! Holy crap! All of a sudden it was too much. I was able to calm myself down enough to go through with it - and thankfully I wasn't doing my FIRST EVER photo op alone - I had Sam there to help me through it. Once I got there in the photo op room and saw Jason up there and other people having their pictures taken with him, it didn't seem so bad. It finally got to be our turn and - I was actually able to speak! I asked Jason if we could squish him, to which he replied "Of course!" We proceeded to smoosh the giant teddy bear and Chris snapped the photo. I actually remembered to thank Jason, and make eye contact. Wonders never cease!
After that, I was done for the day - again, I think we went out to dinner? Some of it's all a blur because I was so sleep deprived - but I did decide to skip karaoke. I was exhausted, and I don't deal with crowds well on a good day, so it made sense to just chill and try to regain my composure after an amazing but stressful day. I opted to take my anxiety medicine - which makes me sleepy and kind of resets my whole mental state. Best decision.
I still didn't sleep a whole lot Friday night, but I slept enough, and I woke up feeling great! Which was good, because Saturday was a whirlwind! We found out that Jeffrey Dean Morgan had to cancel his appearance - so sad! I had a photo op and autograph with him, so I had to exchange those. I'd hoped there'd be some J2 ops left, but they were sold out - I ended up getting Rob and Rich ops, splitting a Jim Beaver op with Amanda, and a boatload of merch - 3 tshirts, a bag, a mug and a water bottle. I was disappointed to miss out on meeting JDM, but it really didn't affect my weekend at all.
We saw Kim and Briana's second panel, and Rob, Rich and Matt's panel. After that, Jason was in the vendor's room signing autographs, so Amanda and I went to do that - he's such a sweetheart! I picked up a copy of Soul and he signed it for me, and he's just delightful! *all the heart eyes*
Next up was more photo ops - so many photo ops!
First up was R2M with Sam and Amanda:
I will forever treasure this photo. Sam and Amanda decided I had to be in the middle of this one, since it was my birthday weekend and this op was a gift. And what a feeling to be surrounded and smooshed like that! And those three are the goofiest - obviously I had no idea what they did until I saw the photo - I didn't even really have any concept of where they were around us! But when I finally saw the photo I was just filled with joy. They're just adorable! <3
Then I had an op with Richard:
I mean, seriously - look at the expression on the goofball's face!
And Rob:
He is just the sweetest and I could hug him forever! <3
Amanda and I shared a second op with him - so I did get to hug him twice!!
The most amazing thing was that I WASN'T NERVOUS! I just had so much fun meeting them and hugging them - I never would have thought I'd be able to do this, but there I was, doing it! Sam even mentioned how much I was rocking the convention, I totally kicked my anxiety in the ass!
After ops I think there was some dinner - I can't remember - I know I ate food at regular intervals all weekend!
I had decided to take advantage of the autograph with Mark Sheppard included in my silver pass, so I went to do that. It was kind of anti-climactic - I didn't find Mark very engaging, but it was good to see how the process for autographs happens, because I had autos with J2 the next night. I did get a smile from Mark, and I'm glad I did it - I may never have a chance again since he won't be on the con circuit much longer now that he's off the show.
And then there was the Saturday Night Special concert - which was wonderful. Being an anxious person, especially around crowds, I really liked the fact that the concert was seated. I know a lot of people prefer a standing/dancing type concert, but for me it was perfect. I'm not really a Louden Swain fan, but I did enjoy their performance a lot, and all the other actors who performed kicked ass. I was sitting on the aisle, so I even got a high five from Rob (which was more like a 3-second hand-hold) as he made his way through the crowd!
I again slept better Saturday night - more meds of course, because Sunday was J2 day!!
Amanda and I had a photo op with Jim Beaver first thing - poor guy was totally exhausted, and was jumping around in between photos to keep himself awake. But he was lovely, and we got to squish him twice because the first photo didn't turn out (I was making a total derp face, so that photo will never see the light of day - ha!) The second photo turned out lovely, though!
A little while later - before I knew it - it was time to have a photo op with Jensen! As much as I'd gotten used to the idea on Saturday, the fact that it was JENSEN - holy fucking crap I was about to meet JENSEN ACKLES IN PERSON - got me so nervous and worked up. Amanda stayed with me in the line - and did battle with the Creation volunteers when they tried to make her put her bag down. She was literally holding my hand as we approached the photo room! We finally got close enough that she had to duck away, and I was on my own - eeeeek! But the volunteer standing at the door must have seen how nervous I was, because she gave me some words of encouragement before I stepped through the door. Thank you volunteer, whoever you are! It really did help! <3
I got into the room, and the first thing I saw of Jensen was his legs. Goddamned bowlegs. I'm glad it took a couple minutes to get to the front of the line, because I got to get my oogling out of the way. He is soooooo beautiful. Everyone has always told me those two are more gorgeous in person, and holy crap is it true! The most striking thing I found, though, was the sense I got of his gentle nature. He just seemed really nice and down to earth and sweet. Which was a good thing to notice, because it helped me actually talk to him! All the other photo ops I'd had, I just went for squishy hugs. But with Jared and Jensen, I wanted something more specific - and I was terrified I wouldn't be able to speak to them and ask them for what I wanted. But I did it!
I walked up to Jensen, he said hi, and I said hi - and then I actually spoke clearly! I said "Could I have a protective brother hug - however you interpret that." He said "sure, okay" and stepped closer and all of a sudden I was wrapped up in Jensen *swoon*. Chris took the photo, I said thank you (this time I wasn't able to make eye contact - dammit!), Jensen rubbed my back and I think smiled at me, and I walked out. Sam and Amanda were outside the room waiting for me and all I could say was "that was amazing!"
Again, I wasn't really sure what Jensen did until I saw the photo - I thought he'd put his chin on my head, but I wasn't sure. When I picked up the photo I was just stunned. So amazing. I'm in love with this photo:
Damn, what an experience!
I started out as a Sam!girl - and I still am - but over time I've come to love Dean and Jensen almost as much - but after this experience I have to say I love them equally. Guh! *heart eyes*
There was a bit of time between Jensen's ops and Jared's - there was probably lunch somewhere in there. But the next important stop was Jared ops. Soooooo nervous. I was way more nervous for Jared than I was for Jensen...I'm really surprised I didn't pass out or something stupid like that. Courtney and Tori were in line with me for this one, keeping me sane while I tried to manage my anxiety. It's kind of a blur, but I know I made it, because I have the photo to prove it!
Once in the op room the first thing I noticed about Jared was his energy. He really is a giant puppy, but in the best way. He just has this positive vibe that wafts off him. And he's SO DAMN GORGEOUS! I didn't have enough time to get over my oogling phase this time - I'm not sure there'd ever be enough time for me to get over it with Jared. Before I knew it I was next, and I could feel the lump in my throat. Oh god. I stepped up, said hi, he said hi...and then I started trying to talk...and I was a stuttering mess. I'm pretty soft-spoken to start with, and it's worse when I'm really nervous, so Jared had to lean way down and really close to hear me...which resulted in me getting a face full of his hair! Not helpful!! (in case you were wondering, it's really, really super soft!) I finally got it out - protective brother hug - he started to ask what I meant, and I stuttered out 'however you interpret it' - and then he was all around me. Oh good lord. Chris snapped the photo, we pulled apart, I said thank you...and Jared rubbed my back (what is it with these guys and the back rubs?) and gave me this soft smile, like he was saying "it's okay, you did great" *swoon* Courtney and Tori were waiting for me outside, and...I couldn't speak. I had no words. I was trembling like crazy. All I could do was point to the door to tell them I needed to go outside and have a cigarette. Thank god for friends who understand me. It took a while, but I eventually calmed down. I was kind of disappointed that it hadn't gone as well as my Jensen op, but...I still did it, even if I stuttered! And Jared was wonderful and seemed to understand, so I can't really ask for anything more!
Again, I was blown away when I saw the photo:
He's so tall! I barely come up to his shoulder! Guh! *swoony heart eyes*
The panels in the afternoon were great - I could sit and listen to all of them forever! J2 were goofy and adorable as usual ("talk amongst yourselves!") and it was just so great. These conventions really are a special thing, and I totally get why people keep going back again and again!
The last thing I had to do was get autographs from Jared and Jensen. I was, again, very anxious. I had very specific things I wanted to say to each of them, and given how stuttery I'd gotten with Jared, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to do it. I sat in the theatre a while, waiting - I was in the last row of silver, so I was last to go up. They started late, so it was a good long while before things really got moving. All of my friends, new and old, ended up hanging out with me while I waited, so it was really a good time, and it helped me not sink into my fear to have them around me. <3
Finally, my row was called to go up to Jared's line. I went over what I wanted to say in my head again and again, hoping it would come out of my mouth once I got up there. I finally got up to the table, and the volunteer handed Jared the photo I'd brought for him to sign - it's a promo photo from Friday the 13th, and he said "Hey! Friday the 13th!" almost like he was surprised to see it. He was saying something to the volunteer next to him as he signed it, and I started to worry I wouldn't get a chance to say anything to him, but he finally looked up at me. I was again stuttering, but I got it out - I said "I just wanted to thank you for AKF - I've been able to use it as inspiration to make a lot of positive changes, and my life is a lot better for it." He paused, like what I said was registering, then he said "Awesome! Love it!" and raised his hand to me like he wanted a high five - I put my hand up and he laced his fingers between mine and it turned into a hand hug. I said "Thank you so much!" and he nodded at me, and then I stepped away from the table.
I had debated about giving him a letter, explaining fully what AKF has done for me (or rather, allowed me to do for myself) but ultimately I opted not to - and now that I've had time to process the whole experience I kind of wish I had. SO I'll probably be writing him soon. It's just one of those things that needs to be said - I need to express my gratitude to him. Autographs definitely weren't the place for that, what I was able to say just wasn't enough. So, I'll say it another way. All in all, aside from my stuttering (again) I'm pleased with how it went. I spent most of this past week feeling like it was just really awkward and feeling embarassed about it - but I'm now realizing that's all me. I don't think he felt any awkwardness, it was just me because I hate my anxiety and how I have trouble talking when it hits. So it's all good!
Then I went across the theatre to Jensen's line. I was more relaxed, both because the hard part (Jared) was already done, and I'd had a more comfortable experience in photo ops with Jensen. I got up to the table, and he looked at the photo - he said something that I didn't hear but I don't think it was about the photo. It might have been about the marker he was using - it was a gold sharpie, and I think he might have been debating changing to a different color. He looked up at me after signing the photo, and I was again able to speak! I said "I just wanted to thank you for the few songs you've recorded - I use them to calm my anxiety..." and he got this shocked expression on his face, leaned back in his chair and said "Really??" I said "yeah - Simple Man and Angeles - I can listen to them when I'm panicking and it takes it right down." He continued to look flabbergasted - and I wasn't quite sure what to do with that reaction, so I said "So yeah, thank you so much!" and then I kind of ran away and left the poor guy sitting there with his mind blown. *facepalm* I just didn't expect to get much of a reaction, and certainly not that kind of reaction! But I wanted him to know his music has an impact for more than just entertainment - mission accomplished, I guess!
So that was the end of the convention itself. By the time I was done with getting my autograph from Jensen the staff were starting to clean up the chairs in the theatre. It was kind of sad. I didn't want it to end!
But I've left the most amazing part of the whole weekend for last. The people. My friends.
I've always been kind of a loner. I just don't connect with people very easily. I'm also very much an introvert, so I need a connection with people to be able to have any kind of meaningful relationship with them. I don't really do acquaintences. In this society where introverts and loners are kind of frowned upon, it's always made me feel...less than. It's truly affected my self esteem - because I'm not outgoing, that means I'm not worthy. A lot of other things have added to that, but suffice it to say, I was very definitely proved wrong last weekend.
All weekend long I was surrounded by amazing people. Some I know well, some I'd only just met. From my two best friends holding me up when I was ready to quit, to the complete stranger in the photo op line telling me "you've got this - you can do it" - I was loved all damn weekend.
It really hit me the hardest when I was sitting in the theatre Sunday night waiting for autographs. There were eight people sitting with me. We were all just chatting and having a nice time. But suddenly I realized - none of them had autographs. They were all sitting there FOR ME. At one point I spoke up about it - said "hey guys you know you don't have to wait for me, right? I mean you can go get dinner or whatever." And they all looked at me like I was crazy - like there was nothing they'd rather be doing than hanging out while I waited to get autographs. It might seem like small thing, but for me, that was HUGE. These people really are family. Amazing.
Joining a fandom has been one of the best things I've ever done. Yes, there's wank and infighting and those people who just aren't very nice. But for the most part, it's an amazing group of people. At various times throughout the weekend I talked to people - there was the woman I kept chatting with while out having a smoke, the one I kept finding myself in lines with, the guy in the broken elevator who joked that it must be demons, and all the ones I simply exchanged a smile or a knowing nod with. And the ones I've known and loved for a while, who I've met before or who I met for the first time and it felt like I've known them forever (lavishsqualor I'm looking at you!). All of them were and are wonderful people. I feel so loved and accepted, like I matter. I do matter. I don't think I ever believed that before.
So, yeah. TorCon was amazing. <3
