It's not depression per se, but it's sure as hell something..
I thought I was coping with things pretty well. I was even somewhat proud of myself.
But tonight something snapped in me, and it's like I see things differently now.
Something happened with Jess. The only conclusion that I was able to come to, is that I should drive down to Florida immediately. That when I get there I should shoot her in the head, and upon verifying that she's dead, I should shoot myself in the head. The only thought that was able to break that cycle is that with $40 left to my name, 1/4 tank of gas, and the fact that she's boarding a plane in 3 hours - so I wouldn't be able to do it. I fear for myself, and wonder how long that train of thought would have played out.
I'm not sure if I'm depressed, or I'm raging. It feels more like rage, but less logical. I'm pissed. Almost to a debilitating degree. It's more of a blind fury than anything else. I've been at it for... 4 hours, and there's no end in sight. My hands are literally shaking, my whole body is quaking a little bit. I'm so tense you could break a board across my shoulders. I feel the innate need to rip everything apart that's within arm's reach.
I think... I probably need help. I'm not seeing another shrink, tried that twice and it was the biggest waste of money I'd seen, both times. "therapy" fah. Then there's the one who talked to me for 15 minutes, diagnosed me as suffering from 2 types of "severe" depression, and listed 5 more types of depression that I "showed significant signs of suffering from." 20 minutes later I was given 3 different meds to take EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE. Fuck that noise. They made me feel drunk during daylight and clogged my brain. Help isn't going to come in the form of any sort of medical professional or anyone whom I have to pay though, haha, that's for damn sure. I don't have the insurance for it. I'm not suicidal, by any means. I almost did kill myself once, and this feels nothing like that did. I'm sure I'll be fine, all by myself, like I always am. Maybe I'm just mad at having to pick myself back up again. It gets old.
So I've spent the past hour now, literally DIZZY with anger, trying to figure out why I'm so mad. Is it Jessica? Is it because she's happy? It's not directly because of what she said, I know that much. Is it because of what she said previously? Is it the promises she broke after I kept all mine? Is it just everything thrown together? What the fuck is it about this girl that makes it impossible for me to forget her? Fuck, I'd be fine with not forgetting her, if I could do better at getting over her. I haven't seen her since April yet I still see her face every night I lay in bed and close my eyes. I'm tired of it. I changed my mind. I used to say that I didn't want to forget, that I was scared to death forget. I never wanted to forget her face, the sound of her voice, the taste of her lips, the softness of her skin. I never wanted to forget our spiritual explorations. I never wanted to forget the FEELING she instilled in me, the connection that was literally electric. I've faced it, and I've decided I do want to forget. She's the one thing that has me the most fucked up, yet I don't think she's why I've snapped.
Maybe it's not her. Maybe it's me. Am I mad at myself and where I am now? Is this restlessness really that bad? Do I need a change that badly? It hardly seems likely. I'm unhappy with my lot in life at the moment sure, but I can't imagine that it would spark something like this. Haven't I just put myself into the situation I'm in anyway? Don't you reap what you sew? Has being a dysfunctional mess, being a rude asshole at times over the past 6 months done this to me? I can't imagine I deserve that. Tonight, for the first time in a long time, I truly feel like a failure. But why? WHY? It wouldn't bother me, if I knew why. The answer escapes me, and that infuriates me more than the rest of it.
Is it Agent X and the situation I've landed in with that? She was fair in all she said, and after all, it's nothing more than the asshole shit I've been spewing to her for months now. She's only doing what I taught her, and I created a monster. She grounds me, physically. She aggravates me, personally. But it's all fair. Now I like this chick, and there's nothing I can do about it. Apparently when I make up my mind, there's nothing she can do about it anymore, either. As such, we're fucked and in this sinking boat together. I was reserved because I didn't want to bring anyone else with me. Well, I'm not going to ask her to stay away against her will, so she's now the first mate on this express ship to insanity. She loved me, through thick and thin, even when I wasn't hers to love. All she's asked me for is a chance, and all I'm doing is giving it to her. Now she's mine, and she knows full well what she's getting into. No, she's not it either.
What is it then? WHY?
I'm afraid, truly, and for the first time in over a year. Truth be told, I'm almost frightened to tears. I'm not grounded anymore, I'm drifting. I can literally feel the very fabric of my mind twisting, tearing, and coming undone. You know when you just sprinted, like REALLY sprinted, until you can't breathe anymore? My head feels like that. My hearing has been amplified, I can hear everything. I can feel each throb of my pulse. My eyes are shot open, my mind is frantic. I can't focus on anything. My thoughts are easily interrupted, and lack any sort of direction. For the first time since I can remember, I don't know what's been going through my head if I don't write it down. I'm blank. I'm staring vacantly, eyes wide and bloodshot.
I'm still trembling.
Along with my idea came a very vivid mental picture. That aspect of things might actually be what has me shaken up the most. I feel cold and very utterly alone at the moment. I can't for the life of me decide if that fact feels like a good thing or a bad thing right now.
If it's not obvious, I've decided against trying to get a hold of Jessica on New Years. I've at least retained some basic logic. What have I done?
I need to see X. I think I'll call her as soon as I get out of work. At least when we're together it's impossible for me to unravel. Hopefully some time and an actual person to talk to will do me good. This not seeing a soul because I work overnight thing is turning out to be worse than I thought.
And no, I'm not writing because I want to talk to someone about it right now, or I want concern or pity. I'm writing because when I write, it feels like I'm talking to someone or something, I'm not caging everything in to my mind. I feel a little better the more I write.
But tonight something snapped in me, and it's like I see things differently now.
Something happened with Jess. The only conclusion that I was able to come to, is that I should drive down to Florida immediately. That when I get there I should shoot her in the head, and upon verifying that she's dead, I should shoot myself in the head. The only thought that was able to break that cycle is that with $40 left to my name, 1/4 tank of gas, and the fact that she's boarding a plane in 3 hours - so I wouldn't be able to do it. I fear for myself, and wonder how long that train of thought would have played out.
I'm not sure if I'm depressed, or I'm raging. It feels more like rage, but less logical. I'm pissed. Almost to a debilitating degree. It's more of a blind fury than anything else. I've been at it for... 4 hours, and there's no end in sight. My hands are literally shaking, my whole body is quaking a little bit. I'm so tense you could break a board across my shoulders. I feel the innate need to rip everything apart that's within arm's reach.
I think... I probably need help. I'm not seeing another shrink, tried that twice and it was the biggest waste of money I'd seen, both times. "therapy" fah. Then there's the one who talked to me for 15 minutes, diagnosed me as suffering from 2 types of "severe" depression, and listed 5 more types of depression that I "showed significant signs of suffering from." 20 minutes later I was given 3 different meds to take EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE. Fuck that noise. They made me feel drunk during daylight and clogged my brain. Help isn't going to come in the form of any sort of medical professional or anyone whom I have to pay though, haha, that's for damn sure. I don't have the insurance for it. I'm not suicidal, by any means. I almost did kill myself once, and this feels nothing like that did. I'm sure I'll be fine, all by myself, like I always am. Maybe I'm just mad at having to pick myself back up again. It gets old.
So I've spent the past hour now, literally DIZZY with anger, trying to figure out why I'm so mad. Is it Jessica? Is it because she's happy? It's not directly because of what she said, I know that much. Is it because of what she said previously? Is it the promises she broke after I kept all mine? Is it just everything thrown together? What the fuck is it about this girl that makes it impossible for me to forget her? Fuck, I'd be fine with not forgetting her, if I could do better at getting over her. I haven't seen her since April yet I still see her face every night I lay in bed and close my eyes. I'm tired of it. I changed my mind. I used to say that I didn't want to forget, that I was scared to death forget. I never wanted to forget her face, the sound of her voice, the taste of her lips, the softness of her skin. I never wanted to forget our spiritual explorations. I never wanted to forget the FEELING she instilled in me, the connection that was literally electric. I've faced it, and I've decided I do want to forget. She's the one thing that has me the most fucked up, yet I don't think she's why I've snapped.
Maybe it's not her. Maybe it's me. Am I mad at myself and where I am now? Is this restlessness really that bad? Do I need a change that badly? It hardly seems likely. I'm unhappy with my lot in life at the moment sure, but I can't imagine that it would spark something like this. Haven't I just put myself into the situation I'm in anyway? Don't you reap what you sew? Has being a dysfunctional mess, being a rude asshole at times over the past 6 months done this to me? I can't imagine I deserve that. Tonight, for the first time in a long time, I truly feel like a failure. But why? WHY? It wouldn't bother me, if I knew why. The answer escapes me, and that infuriates me more than the rest of it.
Is it Agent X and the situation I've landed in with that? She was fair in all she said, and after all, it's nothing more than the asshole shit I've been spewing to her for months now. She's only doing what I taught her, and I created a monster. She grounds me, physically. She aggravates me, personally. But it's all fair. Now I like this chick, and there's nothing I can do about it. Apparently when I make up my mind, there's nothing she can do about it anymore, either. As such, we're fucked and in this sinking boat together. I was reserved because I didn't want to bring anyone else with me. Well, I'm not going to ask her to stay away against her will, so she's now the first mate on this express ship to insanity. She loved me, through thick and thin, even when I wasn't hers to love. All she's asked me for is a chance, and all I'm doing is giving it to her. Now she's mine, and she knows full well what she's getting into. No, she's not it either.
What is it then? WHY?
I'm afraid, truly, and for the first time in over a year. Truth be told, I'm almost frightened to tears. I'm not grounded anymore, I'm drifting. I can literally feel the very fabric of my mind twisting, tearing, and coming undone. You know when you just sprinted, like REALLY sprinted, until you can't breathe anymore? My head feels like that. My hearing has been amplified, I can hear everything. I can feel each throb of my pulse. My eyes are shot open, my mind is frantic. I can't focus on anything. My thoughts are easily interrupted, and lack any sort of direction. For the first time since I can remember, I don't know what's been going through my head if I don't write it down. I'm blank. I'm staring vacantly, eyes wide and bloodshot.
I'm still trembling.
Along with my idea came a very vivid mental picture. That aspect of things might actually be what has me shaken up the most. I feel cold and very utterly alone at the moment. I can't for the life of me decide if that fact feels like a good thing or a bad thing right now.
If it's not obvious, I've decided against trying to get a hold of Jessica on New Years. I've at least retained some basic logic. What have I done?
I need to see X. I think I'll call her as soon as I get out of work. At least when we're together it's impossible for me to unravel. Hopefully some time and an actual person to talk to will do me good. This not seeing a soul because I work overnight thing is turning out to be worse than I thought.
And no, I'm not writing because I want to talk to someone about it right now, or I want concern or pity. I'm writing because when I write, it feels like I'm talking to someone or something, I'm not caging everything in to my mind. I feel a little better the more I write.