tonight i feel like i should just destroy myself
My heart is beating faster. Tears are falling onto my keyboard. My stomach hurts. My head is pounding with pain. It is all so much. Maybe too much. Thoughts eating me up. The war begins. I didn't think this was as big as a problem as I have just realized. In fact, I didn't think it was a problem at all. Up until a little while ago I was fine and it was under control. What is happening to me? Is this really an addiction like they say? Yes, yes it is. I can feel it. I'm trying so hard not to be pulled in right now. The temptation is almost irresistable. There is a battle going on inside my mind. One side says, "Do it, there is absolutely nothing to loose. It will make you feel incredibly better." The other side says, "No. Think about him. You don't want to disappoint him. You need to be okay for him." That's why I am here. To get my mind off of this demon so I don't do it. For him. He gives me a reason not to. He doesn't see it but he is one of my biggest reasons why I am holding on. Why I am trying so hard. Yes, I know I should be doing this for myself. A part of it is. But it is only a very small piece. I am not up to that point yet. Hopefully soon I will be.