i've been meaning to write this for a while
for the past couple of weeks i've been reading and re-reading everyones journals entries.
and i can't help but notice that everyone has been writing about changing/growing up/moving on.
and for once, i feel out of the loop.
for soo long i've told myself that i know what i want and that im not going to change it, since 9th grade.
but i've always been so fickle.
i can remember back to the early days of highschool and i can watch myself change my views over and over of what i want to be, where i want to go, who i want to be with. and finally, i think, i've completely figured out what i want in my life.
but the difference between mself and everyone else is that, i'm so fixated on how much more mature i've gotten that i've become compltely torn and stressed into a total different person.
the summer that i thought would have been "the summer to remember" has made me change my views on my life completely. i will admit i've done some pretty fucked up regretful thing over the summer, and i cannot say i enjoy remembering any of it.
and now i've begun to think about highschoool everything. like around the beginning of 10th grade and things started to fall into place, and how our "group" was finally formed and we were all so happy with each other. everyone was just happy to be who they were and what they were doing. but as time moved on things started to change, and i can say that i regret most of it, but not all of it.
i guess i'm just going through withdrawls, don't get me wrong, i love the girls and the new friends i've made. and i believe in some way or another their going to help me through this, but i guess that i just can't stand missing the two people that have completely left my life forever. and i can't do anything about it. becasue i've waited to long. because we've changed to conform into ourselves to much.
and everyday i before i settle down after being at work/out and every morning when i wake up, its so hard to grasp that i'll never have alex or dave there anymore to meet before school, or to go home with after school. just to be there, like my only real family, the two people i loved unconditionally and would die for. and its probably the only major thing that has been bothering me since the beginning of the summer. unfortuanately fate has it so that maybe things will never change between us. this is what was suppsed to happen, but i just want them back as friends, i just want to be able to call and reminise on old times or hard times or completely stupid jokes we had.
and i guess what i'm trying to get through in this entry is everyone, if i've seemed upset, tired, moody, or just strange. this is why. i've become stressed i cant even get myself to do things i was able to do just a few monthes ago. i'm going through a time in my life where i know in 8 and 1/2 monthes my parents will be moving to florida and i will be moving out of their house and into an apartment or dorm to hopfully stonybrook.i'll be alone, by myself with no one to guide me. i'm just realizing what coulda/shoulda/woudla happened if i had just listened to my friends, strangers, anyone that has given me advice becasue thinking back now ,it probably would have made me alot happier than i am today.
so please,
if you could.
just bare with me.
and i can't help but notice that everyone has been writing about changing/growing up/moving on.
and for once, i feel out of the loop.
for soo long i've told myself that i know what i want and that im not going to change it, since 9th grade.
but i've always been so fickle.
i can remember back to the early days of highschool and i can watch myself change my views over and over of what i want to be, where i want to go, who i want to be with. and finally, i think, i've completely figured out what i want in my life.
but the difference between mself and everyone else is that, i'm so fixated on how much more mature i've gotten that i've become compltely torn and stressed into a total different person.
the summer that i thought would have been "the summer to remember" has made me change my views on my life completely. i will admit i've done some pretty fucked up regretful thing over the summer, and i cannot say i enjoy remembering any of it.
and now i've begun to think about highschoool everything. like around the beginning of 10th grade and things started to fall into place, and how our "group" was finally formed and we were all so happy with each other. everyone was just happy to be who they were and what they were doing. but as time moved on things started to change, and i can say that i regret most of it, but not all of it.
i guess i'm just going through withdrawls, don't get me wrong, i love the girls and the new friends i've made. and i believe in some way or another their going to help me through this, but i guess that i just can't stand missing the two people that have completely left my life forever. and i can't do anything about it. becasue i've waited to long. because we've changed to conform into ourselves to much.
and everyday i before i settle down after being at work/out and every morning when i wake up, its so hard to grasp that i'll never have alex or dave there anymore to meet before school, or to go home with after school. just to be there, like my only real family, the two people i loved unconditionally and would die for. and its probably the only major thing that has been bothering me since the beginning of the summer. unfortuanately fate has it so that maybe things will never change between us. this is what was suppsed to happen, but i just want them back as friends, i just want to be able to call and reminise on old times or hard times or completely stupid jokes we had.
and i guess what i'm trying to get through in this entry is everyone, if i've seemed upset, tired, moody, or just strange. this is why. i've become stressed i cant even get myself to do things i was able to do just a few monthes ago. i'm going through a time in my life where i know in 8 and 1/2 monthes my parents will be moving to florida and i will be moving out of their house and into an apartment or dorm to hopfully stonybrook.i'll be alone, by myself with no one to guide me. i'm just realizing what coulda/shoulda/woudla happened if i had just listened to my friends, strangers, anyone that has given me advice becasue thinking back now ,it probably would have made me alot happier than i am today.
so please,
if you could.
just bare with me.