Cruel Intentions
(a blog post also known as The Games People Play)
In recent weeks, I've had the opportunity to ponder the ways in which people interact with one another in a variety of settings, but mostly within the scope of romantic or romantically-oriented relationships.
For context, I shall say that even though I'm no spring chicken, I haven't been involved in that many relationships. I did get married awfully young, and nothaving dated long (not just the person I married, but dated in general) I never really had to sit at home wondering when someone would call. It was, quite simply put, a boy-likes-girl-girl-likes-him-back kind of deal. Twelve years and two kids later, I found myself in a position where I wanted to date but didn't really know how to go about it so I just didn't - who would have thought things don't happen in real life like they do on TV shows, right? There were the occasional glimpses of light at the end of the tunnel that turned out to be less than ideal but I still kept hoping. When H came along, things simply flowed. He liked spending time with me, I with him and over cups of coffee and meals we simply got to know one another; the affinity of the minds let to affinity in other areas and even though it became evident over the years that we didn't want the same things (I wanted to get married and possibly have a baby, and he wanted neither) I never really had to sit in the dark wondering.
This is why the current situation has me so perplexed.
B and I met online back in April and interacted fairly regularly over the following six months. He was spending time abroad at the time and so without the prospect of meeting IRL in the near future we simply talked. At first it was about weekend plans, what we were doing, food we liked, nothing terribly personal but at the same time (I thought) fairly telling of what the person on the other side of the screen was like. Despite what the few people I've told about this believe, our conversations never turned to anything physical. I have to admit was surprised when it didn't, but I rather enjoyed simply letting things take their course. Talking to him was just easy and even though we didn't see eye to eye on certain subjects, it seemed like there was enough to build on once he came back.
But then he did come back, and the day we were supposed to meet the unbelievable happened. He had an accident during a flag football game, and he needed to have surgery that same day. The next few weeks felt like they both went by in a blur and a painstaking crawl. I kept reaching out to him to find out how he was and to try and do something for him; I offered to call and visit, hoping I could maybe make him a meal or just help with whatever was needed and though at first he appeared to be in good spirits, gradually our interactions became more and more monosyllabic, with days going by without him replying to my messages. I eventually plucked up the courage to ask if he had lost interest and I should just go away, but he didn't really say much.
The weeks after that became even more confusing for me. We did meet in person a few times socially, only once just the two of us, but even though I was happy to see him it seemed that the feeling wasn't necessarily mutual. He once told me that he associated me with his accident and I was causing him PTSD, or that I was a bird of ill omen, but he also wanted to know how I was doing and asked how my games went, going as far as lamenting not being able to be there for the championship game in the winter tournament. It's almost like at times he is the guy I met, but at others he's just this angry person that seeks to take out on me the anger and frustration of the past few months. At times I wonder whether this whole thing was in my head the entire time and I just built it up. Other times I start thinking that maybe this was just a long con and that had it not been for the accident he'd have found another reason to behave this way towards me. Maybe this is just some sort of power play, a way to keep the upper hand in a relationship. Maybe I'm just too naive.
I think the healthiest thing for me to do is to walk away right now. But a part of me wants to at least wait until he's better, if for no other reason than to know he'll be okay.
Kindness and stupidity are two very blurry things.
In recent weeks, I've had the opportunity to ponder the ways in which people interact with one another in a variety of settings, but mostly within the scope of romantic or romantically-oriented relationships.
For context, I shall say that even though I'm no spring chicken, I haven't been involved in that many relationships. I did get married awfully young, and nothaving dated long (not just the person I married, but dated in general) I never really had to sit at home wondering when someone would call. It was, quite simply put, a boy-likes-girl-girl-likes-him-back kind of deal. Twelve years and two kids later, I found myself in a position where I wanted to date but didn't really know how to go about it so I just didn't - who would have thought things don't happen in real life like they do on TV shows, right? There were the occasional glimpses of light at the end of the tunnel that turned out to be less than ideal but I still kept hoping. When H came along, things simply flowed. He liked spending time with me, I with him and over cups of coffee and meals we simply got to know one another; the affinity of the minds let to affinity in other areas and even though it became evident over the years that we didn't want the same things (I wanted to get married and possibly have a baby, and he wanted neither) I never really had to sit in the dark wondering.
This is why the current situation has me so perplexed.
B and I met online back in April and interacted fairly regularly over the following six months. He was spending time abroad at the time and so without the prospect of meeting IRL in the near future we simply talked. At first it was about weekend plans, what we were doing, food we liked, nothing terribly personal but at the same time (I thought) fairly telling of what the person on the other side of the screen was like. Despite what the few people I've told about this believe, our conversations never turned to anything physical. I have to admit was surprised when it didn't, but I rather enjoyed simply letting things take their course. Talking to him was just easy and even though we didn't see eye to eye on certain subjects, it seemed like there was enough to build on once he came back.
But then he did come back, and the day we were supposed to meet the unbelievable happened. He had an accident during a flag football game, and he needed to have surgery that same day. The next few weeks felt like they both went by in a blur and a painstaking crawl. I kept reaching out to him to find out how he was and to try and do something for him; I offered to call and visit, hoping I could maybe make him a meal or just help with whatever was needed and though at first he appeared to be in good spirits, gradually our interactions became more and more monosyllabic, with days going by without him replying to my messages. I eventually plucked up the courage to ask if he had lost interest and I should just go away, but he didn't really say much.
The weeks after that became even more confusing for me. We did meet in person a few times socially, only once just the two of us, but even though I was happy to see him it seemed that the feeling wasn't necessarily mutual. He once told me that he associated me with his accident and I was causing him PTSD, or that I was a bird of ill omen, but he also wanted to know how I was doing and asked how my games went, going as far as lamenting not being able to be there for the championship game in the winter tournament. It's almost like at times he is the guy I met, but at others he's just this angry person that seeks to take out on me the anger and frustration of the past few months. At times I wonder whether this whole thing was in my head the entire time and I just built it up. Other times I start thinking that maybe this was just a long con and that had it not been for the accident he'd have found another reason to behave this way towards me. Maybe this is just some sort of power play, a way to keep the upper hand in a relationship. Maybe I'm just too naive.
I think the healthiest thing for me to do is to walk away right now. But a part of me wants to at least wait until he's better, if for no other reason than to know he'll be okay.
Kindness and stupidity are two very blurry things.