(no subject)
Don't yell so loudly, I said I was sorry.
Title: It's Only You, Beautiful (Chapter 15)
Pairing: Tony/Jesse, John/Jesse
Summary: HS fic
Disclaimer: Not real
Dedication: boysandbruises because I can and will. Imissyoupleasecomeback.
Author's Notes: Other chapters are on my LJ, please R&R because I love you. AndIonlycontinueforyouguys.
Ch. 15 -
The red digital numbers on the clock read 4:07 and you're rocking back and forth on your heels, staring at the front door aimlessly while wallowing in self disgust. Misery really does love company because without it, you're stuck with no one but yourself and that means being alone with your own thoughts. They're driving you to the point of insanity and you think you're going to throw up your stomach's insides soon. The places in your wrist where the skin was torn apart are starting to itch and throb sorely. Self mutilation is not self improvement, you've just reached a level of misery that you didn't even know existed.
You feel like your insides have been lit on fire and right now they're shaking and bouncing inside of you. It's almost like a forest fire, killing and devouring everything in it's path because it can and will. Nervously tug your sleeves down over your wrists, until you're clinging onto the worn material in your palms. Settle back down on the floor again, wishing that you could spontaneously combust from your imagined fire. Close your eyes shut and you're still seeing images of Tony flash through, as if they're part of some movie. The movie seems to pause though, and the image you're seeing, is not of Tony.
It confuses you that seemingly, out of nowhere, an image of John, who you just met, would pop up and you want to scream because you're not multi-tasking and you think you're brain's going to implode from all of the pressure being put on it. But the doorbell rings, and you're saved from those thought provoking images. Pull yourself off the ground, and walk to the floor, the sound of shuffling feet echoing in your ears as you drag the door open. Stare at the two figures in front of you and you wonder if that image was heaven sent, because the real thing is softly smiling at you.
"Hey Jess, look what the cat dragged in." Despite his light tone, Craig's eyes go to yours immediately, the worry that filled them since the morning is still there. You feel like you're being put through a medical examination and Craig's eyes are all those weird instruments that they use. He doesn't miss the way you keep on trying to tug down your sleeves.
"But Craig...you dragged him in," you reply, in your soft drawl that you can't seem to lose. You think it's from all the crying and screaming you've been doing; they can't be too good for your vocal chords.
John smirks at you and raises his hand in a sort of half wave, looking like he's feeling awkward and you resist the urge to jump up and hug him. You do get up however and rest your back against the wall behind you.
"...don't be a smart ass Jesse." There's relief in his voice, probably because it was the first time since...the thing, that you hadn't said something completely morbid that came from a bleeding heart.
Shrug, the muscles of your shoulder rolling backwards, finding yourself smiling silently at your new companion, that Craig probably forced over to keep a watch on you. Realize what you're doing and the smile turns into a frozen look of confusion in yourself because all of this is beginning to feel awfully familiar. And Tony was Amy, just in another form almost and...
"I'm gonna go see Michelle tonight, so just like call her house if you need anything," Craig tells you, while your eyes blink shut. Everything confuses you and maybe you're chemically inbalanced; that would explain a lot of things.
Your life is an overly-cliched soap opera, and all you're missing is the orphaned teenager to show up on your doorstep, demanding your love and money. The door clicks shut, re-open your eyes to find yourself alone with the boy that has the scent of peach aftershave lingering around him and a constant smile that you take comfort in.
"Your brother, my sister...I don't think I'm over that yet." His brown eyes look up to seek your own, but your only response is to practically gape at him. Michelle Nolan...John Nolan, his younger sister, it's all starting to make sense now. From when you first met him, you could see that he was different from all of Craig's other friends. The fact that he wasn't a complete jerk gave him away. Sure, you had seen Michelle before, and John too for that matter, but you never thought they were connected in that way.
"I...I never knew that until now." Shake your head in pure disbelief, the feeling of stupidity coming to mingle with all the others now.
But he smiles at you, and just like that, it disappears, like some freak magic show. From there the show continues and you find yourself laughing softly in all the right spots from the stories and jokes he tells; none of it being forced though. You find yourself gasping and gawking at him, when he tells you that he loves Morrissey and The Smiths. And laughing again when he makes his own reenactment of the face you just made.
You've never warmed up to somebody this easily, even with Tony, the beginning was full of stuttering and awkward silences at times because you were scared that if you spoke, you'd end up ruining everything. Your smile falters as you think that over; it really is the huge kicker in all of this. The fact that you thought you'd be the one to ruin whatever kinda relationship you had with Tony, and maybe to some extent it was you who caused it, but in reality, the blame was on him.
John nudges you silently, and you know that he'd been watching you for the time it took you to make your discovery. And maybe you'll never stop loving or needing Tony, but what if you were wrong this morning? What if there's a 1/100 chance that you can actually get over what happened and just move on? What if all of that was possible?
And you know that the only thing stopping you from that is yourself.
The fact that you want to need somebody to that extent where it almost isn't normal anymore. You want to have some plausible excuse to blame everything on. Or...something like that.
"Jesse? You okay?" Finally shake away the glazed look that covers your eyes, to stare back at him.
"...no, but I will be." So maybe he was only asking for that exact moment, but the answer to that is slightly negative and unhappy. You don't think he would like that one word answer anyway.
He nods and opens his mouth to say something, but the sound of the door bell frantically ringing over and over again, interrupts him. Raise your hands to cover your ears while taking the steps two by two, hoping with everything inside of you that you won't fall and make a total fool out of yourself.
You manage to make it to the door without having any new bruises or cuts to tell a story of clumsiness. Don't bother looking through the door peeping hole, because the only people who would be ringing the bell like this, would only be one of your siblings. Sigh and unlock the door, pulling it open, expecting to see Craig standing there, telling you he forgot something.
But the person standing in front of you is not Craig or any of your brothers and sisters and your heart is jumping up your throat and you're feeling claustrophobic.
Tony, in all his broken glory, is standing in front of you, eyes going to meet yours hesitantly. Your legs are shaking beneath you and you're finding it impossible to support your own body mass. Sink to the floor in one smooth movement and continue to stare at him from glazed, blue eyes. In one second, he's at your shoulder, hands wrapping around the small of your back, rubbing gentle circles.
"It's okay Jess, calm down..." The quiet tone of voice he's using to try to sooth you, does not serve its purpose. Your heartbeat is still racing and breathing is still a difficulty.
All you want to do is cling onto him and never let him leave you, because forget what you were earlier thinking, there is no way you can go on without him. Everything seems familiar still, Tony comforting you, and you holding onto him like your whole life depends on never letting him go. At the moment, it does.
He pulls you forward towards him, letting you fall completely into his arms, and his lips rub against your ear as he talks.
"I'm sorry Jess, don't hate me...please." And you know that you'll give him whatever he wants and in this moment you'll forgive him for all the hurt and misery he put you through. Don't reply yet because you're too busy, consuming everything that he is. The way that he smells differently from everything you've ever known; the way he's able to put his arms around you and make you feel like you're finally safe. It's just...everything that you need to memorize now and embed it into your memory forever.
He pulls away from you, ignoring the whimpers that fall out of your mouth. "I need you to know that I...I love you. You need to know that. You...gotta." His voice pleads pathetically, growing softer until it's gone all together, and his lips are moving silently. Tears are flooding his eyes, and he doesn't bother to wipe them away.
Your hand goes to his cheek, to trace where the tears fall, his lips kiss against your fingertips when you brush over them. It's then that you know that if he wanted, your heart would be back into his grasp, ready for him to break all over again. Or just smash into smaller pieces, because it still hasn't mended at all yet.
Nod at his words because right now, you both need to believe in them. Your hands are still clinging onto him as he moves you into another hug again. Meld into him, feel his heart beat erratically against your own, and you need this. You're not ready for the words that once again shatter your broken world.
"This is good-bye, know that I love you forever." He's pulling away again and all you can do is allow him because you'll let him do anything to you. He presses his lips to your warm forehead, as if to kiss away the pain that is racking at your heart right now.
"B-But I...need you," you whisper out harshly, digging your short nails into his shirt.
He shakes his head at you, in a sad manner almost. "You don't need me Jesse...I'll destroy you."
Don't bother to tell him that he already did and throw yourself pathetically towards him, forcing him to hold you in place. And you don't know how long it is before he finally pulls away, untangling himself from your clingy grip to kiss you softly for the last time. You don't move from your spot as he closes the door behind him, and you know that this is the end.
You don't notice the movement behind you as John crawls towards you, out of where ever he was hiding when Tony arrived. He hugs you silently to him and you still don't bother moving because right now you're completely and utterly lost and broken. You spend the night in John's arms, shaking and clinging to him, because he reminded you of something you lost.
Title: It's Only You, Beautiful (Chapter 15)
Pairing: Tony/Jesse, John/Jesse
Summary: HS fic
Disclaimer: Not real
Dedication: boysandbruises because I can and will. Imissyoupleasecomeback.
Author's Notes: Other chapters are on my LJ, please R&R because I love you. AndIonlycontinueforyouguys.
Ch. 15 -
The red digital numbers on the clock read 4:07 and you're rocking back and forth on your heels, staring at the front door aimlessly while wallowing in self disgust. Misery really does love company because without it, you're stuck with no one but yourself and that means being alone with your own thoughts. They're driving you to the point of insanity and you think you're going to throw up your stomach's insides soon. The places in your wrist where the skin was torn apart are starting to itch and throb sorely. Self mutilation is not self improvement, you've just reached a level of misery that you didn't even know existed.
You feel like your insides have been lit on fire and right now they're shaking and bouncing inside of you. It's almost like a forest fire, killing and devouring everything in it's path because it can and will. Nervously tug your sleeves down over your wrists, until you're clinging onto the worn material in your palms. Settle back down on the floor again, wishing that you could spontaneously combust from your imagined fire. Close your eyes shut and you're still seeing images of Tony flash through, as if they're part of some movie. The movie seems to pause though, and the image you're seeing, is not of Tony.
It confuses you that seemingly, out of nowhere, an image of John, who you just met, would pop up and you want to scream because you're not multi-tasking and you think you're brain's going to implode from all of the pressure being put on it. But the doorbell rings, and you're saved from those thought provoking images. Pull yourself off the ground, and walk to the floor, the sound of shuffling feet echoing in your ears as you drag the door open. Stare at the two figures in front of you and you wonder if that image was heaven sent, because the real thing is softly smiling at you.
"Hey Jess, look what the cat dragged in." Despite his light tone, Craig's eyes go to yours immediately, the worry that filled them since the morning is still there. You feel like you're being put through a medical examination and Craig's eyes are all those weird instruments that they use. He doesn't miss the way you keep on trying to tug down your sleeves.
"But Craig...you dragged him in," you reply, in your soft drawl that you can't seem to lose. You think it's from all the crying and screaming you've been doing; they can't be too good for your vocal chords.
John smirks at you and raises his hand in a sort of half wave, looking like he's feeling awkward and you resist the urge to jump up and hug him. You do get up however and rest your back against the wall behind you.
"...don't be a smart ass Jesse." There's relief in his voice, probably because it was the first time since...the thing, that you hadn't said something completely morbid that came from a bleeding heart.
Shrug, the muscles of your shoulder rolling backwards, finding yourself smiling silently at your new companion, that Craig probably forced over to keep a watch on you. Realize what you're doing and the smile turns into a frozen look of confusion in yourself because all of this is beginning to feel awfully familiar. And Tony was Amy, just in another form almost and...
"I'm gonna go see Michelle tonight, so just like call her house if you need anything," Craig tells you, while your eyes blink shut. Everything confuses you and maybe you're chemically inbalanced; that would explain a lot of things.
Your life is an overly-cliched soap opera, and all you're missing is the orphaned teenager to show up on your doorstep, demanding your love and money. The door clicks shut, re-open your eyes to find yourself alone with the boy that has the scent of peach aftershave lingering around him and a constant smile that you take comfort in.
"Your brother, my sister...I don't think I'm over that yet." His brown eyes look up to seek your own, but your only response is to practically gape at him. Michelle Nolan...John Nolan, his younger sister, it's all starting to make sense now. From when you first met him, you could see that he was different from all of Craig's other friends. The fact that he wasn't a complete jerk gave him away. Sure, you had seen Michelle before, and John too for that matter, but you never thought they were connected in that way.
"I...I never knew that until now." Shake your head in pure disbelief, the feeling of stupidity coming to mingle with all the others now.
But he smiles at you, and just like that, it disappears, like some freak magic show. From there the show continues and you find yourself laughing softly in all the right spots from the stories and jokes he tells; none of it being forced though. You find yourself gasping and gawking at him, when he tells you that he loves Morrissey and The Smiths. And laughing again when he makes his own reenactment of the face you just made.
You've never warmed up to somebody this easily, even with Tony, the beginning was full of stuttering and awkward silences at times because you were scared that if you spoke, you'd end up ruining everything. Your smile falters as you think that over; it really is the huge kicker in all of this. The fact that you thought you'd be the one to ruin whatever kinda relationship you had with Tony, and maybe to some extent it was you who caused it, but in reality, the blame was on him.
John nudges you silently, and you know that he'd been watching you for the time it took you to make your discovery. And maybe you'll never stop loving or needing Tony, but what if you were wrong this morning? What if there's a 1/100 chance that you can actually get over what happened and just move on? What if all of that was possible?
And you know that the only thing stopping you from that is yourself.
The fact that you want to need somebody to that extent where it almost isn't normal anymore. You want to have some plausible excuse to blame everything on. Or...something like that.
"Jesse? You okay?" Finally shake away the glazed look that covers your eyes, to stare back at him.
"...no, but I will be." So maybe he was only asking for that exact moment, but the answer to that is slightly negative and unhappy. You don't think he would like that one word answer anyway.
He nods and opens his mouth to say something, but the sound of the door bell frantically ringing over and over again, interrupts him. Raise your hands to cover your ears while taking the steps two by two, hoping with everything inside of you that you won't fall and make a total fool out of yourself.
You manage to make it to the door without having any new bruises or cuts to tell a story of clumsiness. Don't bother looking through the door peeping hole, because the only people who would be ringing the bell like this, would only be one of your siblings. Sigh and unlock the door, pulling it open, expecting to see Craig standing there, telling you he forgot something.
But the person standing in front of you is not Craig or any of your brothers and sisters and your heart is jumping up your throat and you're feeling claustrophobic.
Tony, in all his broken glory, is standing in front of you, eyes going to meet yours hesitantly. Your legs are shaking beneath you and you're finding it impossible to support your own body mass. Sink to the floor in one smooth movement and continue to stare at him from glazed, blue eyes. In one second, he's at your shoulder, hands wrapping around the small of your back, rubbing gentle circles.
"It's okay Jess, calm down..." The quiet tone of voice he's using to try to sooth you, does not serve its purpose. Your heartbeat is still racing and breathing is still a difficulty.
All you want to do is cling onto him and never let him leave you, because forget what you were earlier thinking, there is no way you can go on without him. Everything seems familiar still, Tony comforting you, and you holding onto him like your whole life depends on never letting him go. At the moment, it does.
He pulls you forward towards him, letting you fall completely into his arms, and his lips rub against your ear as he talks.
"I'm sorry Jess, don't hate me...please." And you know that you'll give him whatever he wants and in this moment you'll forgive him for all the hurt and misery he put you through. Don't reply yet because you're too busy, consuming everything that he is. The way that he smells differently from everything you've ever known; the way he's able to put his arms around you and make you feel like you're finally safe. It's just...everything that you need to memorize now and embed it into your memory forever.
He pulls away from you, ignoring the whimpers that fall out of your mouth. "I need you to know that I...I love you. You need to know that. You...gotta." His voice pleads pathetically, growing softer until it's gone all together, and his lips are moving silently. Tears are flooding his eyes, and he doesn't bother to wipe them away.
Your hand goes to his cheek, to trace where the tears fall, his lips kiss against your fingertips when you brush over them. It's then that you know that if he wanted, your heart would be back into his grasp, ready for him to break all over again. Or just smash into smaller pieces, because it still hasn't mended at all yet.
Nod at his words because right now, you both need to believe in them. Your hands are still clinging onto him as he moves you into another hug again. Meld into him, feel his heart beat erratically against your own, and you need this. You're not ready for the words that once again shatter your broken world.
"This is good-bye, know that I love you forever." He's pulling away again and all you can do is allow him because you'll let him do anything to you. He presses his lips to your warm forehead, as if to kiss away the pain that is racking at your heart right now.
"B-But I...need you," you whisper out harshly, digging your short nails into his shirt.
He shakes his head at you, in a sad manner almost. "You don't need me Jesse...I'll destroy you."
Don't bother to tell him that he already did and throw yourself pathetically towards him, forcing him to hold you in place. And you don't know how long it is before he finally pulls away, untangling himself from your clingy grip to kiss you softly for the last time. You don't move from your spot as he closes the door behind him, and you know that this is the end.
You don't notice the movement behind you as John crawls towards you, out of where ever he was hiding when Tony arrived. He hugs you silently to him and you still don't bother moving because right now you're completely and utterly lost and broken. You spend the night in John's arms, shaking and clinging to him, because he reminded you of something you lost.