Getting stuff off of my chest
It's very hard being the oldest child. My earliest memory is of my mom's Pharmacy School Graduation Party. More than likely I was 4 years old at the time and still living in New Orleans. I do barely remember home life in the first and second grades and even less in the 3rd-5th. Middle school was horrific and although life a home was a million times better living conditions weren't. We always had food, clothing, utilities etc. but it always seemed like every one else had better. I would be made fun of as a girl that had it all but only b/c my parents were so involved. Kids thought that because my mom was a pharmacist and my dad had his own business we were "well off." That was the farthest thing from the truth. Never did we broadcast what we were going through or ask for charity. As a matter of fact we did very well. God proved himself to be a provider of all. I, at 10 and 12 years old, just wanted more. Honestly, I did learn to be content with what I had but I also learned to bottle up everything I felt and smile anyway. It is one thing to face and conquer your issues and know that This is the day that the Lord has made and that you will rejoice and be glad in it in spite of. It's another to trick yourself into thinking that you are rejoicing in spite of but to actually be acting fooling both others and yourself.
Recently my grandmother passed. I have felt alot of guilt in that situation b/c I thought that i could have done more. That I let her go without a fight. It was my responsibility to be there for her and I wasn't and it was out of selfishness. It is hard for me to tell my mom about it b/c I don't want her to hold that against me. I don't want her to not be able to look at me.
Mom has taken the passing of her mother very well. She has wonderful memories to keep her going. How her mother set the table and always presented dinner as if she were hosting a prince. How my grandmother never let anyone mistreat her. Memories of her mother combing her hair and making sure she had the best of everything. They watched tv together, talked about lots of things, and just spent quality time in the last 24 hours of Grandma's life. My mom and her mom had a connection. I can't say the same.
What I remember of my mom is that she worked. She was the one that kept our household fed while my dad combed hair, picked us up from school and attended PTA meetings. Mom went to work so that we can pay rent, car notes, utility bills, buy clothes and keep food in the house. My dad took us where we wanted to go played with us and kept us laughing. My mom went to work, came home and read a book as she went to sleep while dad watched movies with us and sang us songs before bed. My mom wasn't able to do those little things b/c she was tired. She did everything she could so that we could survive but what I wanted was for her to hug me and do mom stuff. After a while it was too late. I had built a wall around my heart when it came to her. It didn't matter what she did. I had been through too many years of "emotional neglect" that she couldn't make up for it all. Our relationship through high school was hellish. I acted out in rebellion. I thought that I had taken her place. Everything that I wanted from her I gave to my sisters and brothers. Love, attention, discipline, etc. I felt as if they were my children. In essence I was competing with my mother. That definately didn't go over well.
Things are different now b/c my mom is more emotionally available. However it will take a lot of therapy before I am ever ready to be open with her or allow her to be my mom. That's not what I want. My mother is not promised to me for my lifetime. Something could happen and she is not there tomorrow. What will I have to keep me going? Where are the little things? I know she loves me. I wouldn't be where I am if it weren't for her love specifically but for some reason I want more. Why is that? Why can't I just be happy with where I am and what I have now?
To be continued.....
I've had ppl complain about my journal lengths and topics in the past. If this entry has bothered you feel free to remove me from your friends list. Be mindful that I won't remove you from mine b/c i will always be your friend and love you.
Recently my grandmother passed. I have felt alot of guilt in that situation b/c I thought that i could have done more. That I let her go without a fight. It was my responsibility to be there for her and I wasn't and it was out of selfishness. It is hard for me to tell my mom about it b/c I don't want her to hold that against me. I don't want her to not be able to look at me.
Mom has taken the passing of her mother very well. She has wonderful memories to keep her going. How her mother set the table and always presented dinner as if she were hosting a prince. How my grandmother never let anyone mistreat her. Memories of her mother combing her hair and making sure she had the best of everything. They watched tv together, talked about lots of things, and just spent quality time in the last 24 hours of Grandma's life. My mom and her mom had a connection. I can't say the same.
What I remember of my mom is that she worked. She was the one that kept our household fed while my dad combed hair, picked us up from school and attended PTA meetings. Mom went to work so that we can pay rent, car notes, utility bills, buy clothes and keep food in the house. My dad took us where we wanted to go played with us and kept us laughing. My mom went to work, came home and read a book as she went to sleep while dad watched movies with us and sang us songs before bed. My mom wasn't able to do those little things b/c she was tired. She did everything she could so that we could survive but what I wanted was for her to hug me and do mom stuff. After a while it was too late. I had built a wall around my heart when it came to her. It didn't matter what she did. I had been through too many years of "emotional neglect" that she couldn't make up for it all. Our relationship through high school was hellish. I acted out in rebellion. I thought that I had taken her place. Everything that I wanted from her I gave to my sisters and brothers. Love, attention, discipline, etc. I felt as if they were my children. In essence I was competing with my mother. That definately didn't go over well.
Things are different now b/c my mom is more emotionally available. However it will take a lot of therapy before I am ever ready to be open with her or allow her to be my mom. That's not what I want. My mother is not promised to me for my lifetime. Something could happen and she is not there tomorrow. What will I have to keep me going? Where are the little things? I know she loves me. I wouldn't be where I am if it weren't for her love specifically but for some reason I want more. Why is that? Why can't I just be happy with where I am and what I have now?
To be continued.....
I've had ppl complain about my journal lengths and topics in the past. If this entry has bothered you feel free to remove me from your friends list. Be mindful that I won't remove you from mine b/c i will always be your friend and love you.