(no subject)
OK I'm at a low right now. My friend is really mad at me for making him look like a fool, and I did. I regret it so fucking much. I realize that without my friends I'd be nothing, I wouldn't be able to deal with anything I'd just sit at home and cry about all of the shit that has hurt me, I'd just complain about all of the things I think are unfair and shouldn't happen to me, I wouldn't go out on the weekends and remember the good ol' days, I'd probably fail out of school, fail in everything. If there's one thing that I will remember about this school it is my friends, I know I'd always be there for them and it would feel like an automatic thing, not like I'd have to go out of my way. I will definitely forget everything else because honestly my friends are the only bright spot in this. Let's take a look at my high-school career.
1.) Freshman Year, start dating a girl, play basketball, do shitty in school.
2.) Sophomore Year, start hanging out with my friends from previous years, go to parties, have an early curfew, played basketball, dont even know what happened with the girls
3.) Junior Year, seperated as a group and gained a few best friends that I hung out with all of the time, I remember endless nights of getting drunk and having fun, played basketball and loved it, had a girl then didn't
4.) Senior year, right now a blurry haze.... more of a waste of time than anything else, I have this hard sharp pain in my stomach when I think about it, but then I think about hanging out with my boys on the weekends and playing basketball, the layup lines and the bus rides, also soccer camp, waking up at 5:30, but then getting injured, towards the end of this year I wish I had done things differently .... actually the whole 4 years I wish I had done things differently, I regret one thing.
He told me "you think you're such hot shit", I thought about it for a second, thinking about how wrong he was but then also thinking about how people could think of me as that way. I don't think I'm hot shit for the record, I think I am a failure, and I try to make up with this insecurity by being really competitive and having to win all of the time, I pour myself into relationships where I know I will get dicked, I cry about being rejected like a little bitch and I hate feeling like a loser more and more each day. I don't think I'm hot shit, more like I think I am shit.
I guess this entry is a cocktail of different poisons flowing out of my head, different feelings that I've been holding inside for a long time. Everyday for the past week I've been trying to distract myself in everyway possible just so I wouldn't have to look at things that remind me of how much of an asshole/failure I am. I've been in the library a lot, doing work. I think I've done more work in the past week than I have all year, combined. I'm so sick of feeling weak and hopeless everyday, it has come to the point where I wish I could graduate tomorrow and never see some people again. I think I've realized that I was in love, and I know now what being in love is. Here's the definition and I swear to God if anyone posts anonymous they are cockfaces. The definition is, when you're in love you would do anything to get you're person back,you'd put pride and all things aside and see that you only care about one thing, even if it meant doing what is impossible. With that one thing long gone and making me look like a fucking idiot, all I have are my friends. People may thing the time you spend with your buddies is trivial, like having a bbq or watching the game, or getting some dinner, or going to the st. anns dance, or going to barbelow or watching FSW or playing the movie game or dancing just because that KTU is on and taking pics on the camera phone or watching scarface and drinking black rum and come home at 5 in the morning or running into random people such as Manny, Jessica, Ben and Jonah and such, or riding up to Bard College with techno, or going to cyclones games, or finding a random drum and bass club on shitstrasse or correcto?correcto, or senior concenses then asking my mom if she wanted a beer or basketball, soccer, baseball, whiffle ball,or fifa or chipped teeth or falling and getting a scar and dropping my sandwich then passing out in the bathroom, or AAU, or working for my Dad and sleeping on the job, or "I'm sorry, I'll clean it up" and you're grandma heard me booting, or greenfields brazilian meatplace, or the garage or john's mom's cookies, or miami vice, or legally blonde 2 while totally high, or going all of the way uptown for a party just cuz it was my bday, or bud tall boyz, or pool, or fire island and so much fucking more, they are not trivial, they are the best moments and I will remember them.
It is time for bed, but these are the last few weeks of highschool and I might as well enjoy them so if anyone sees me down or sad just kick me in the balls and tell me to stop being a little bitch. I think I made my point on love, friendship and memories so until next time...
1.) Freshman Year, start dating a girl, play basketball, do shitty in school.
2.) Sophomore Year, start hanging out with my friends from previous years, go to parties, have an early curfew, played basketball, dont even know what happened with the girls
3.) Junior Year, seperated as a group and gained a few best friends that I hung out with all of the time, I remember endless nights of getting drunk and having fun, played basketball and loved it, had a girl then didn't
4.) Senior year, right now a blurry haze.... more of a waste of time than anything else, I have this hard sharp pain in my stomach when I think about it, but then I think about hanging out with my boys on the weekends and playing basketball, the layup lines and the bus rides, also soccer camp, waking up at 5:30, but then getting injured, towards the end of this year I wish I had done things differently .... actually the whole 4 years I wish I had done things differently, I regret one thing.
He told me "you think you're such hot shit", I thought about it for a second, thinking about how wrong he was but then also thinking about how people could think of me as that way. I don't think I'm hot shit for the record, I think I am a failure, and I try to make up with this insecurity by being really competitive and having to win all of the time, I pour myself into relationships where I know I will get dicked, I cry about being rejected like a little bitch and I hate feeling like a loser more and more each day. I don't think I'm hot shit, more like I think I am shit.
I guess this entry is a cocktail of different poisons flowing out of my head, different feelings that I've been holding inside for a long time. Everyday for the past week I've been trying to distract myself in everyway possible just so I wouldn't have to look at things that remind me of how much of an asshole/failure I am. I've been in the library a lot, doing work. I think I've done more work in the past week than I have all year, combined. I'm so sick of feeling weak and hopeless everyday, it has come to the point where I wish I could graduate tomorrow and never see some people again. I think I've realized that I was in love, and I know now what being in love is. Here's the definition and I swear to God if anyone posts anonymous they are cockfaces. The definition is, when you're in love you would do anything to get you're person back,you'd put pride and all things aside and see that you only care about one thing, even if it meant doing what is impossible. With that one thing long gone and making me look like a fucking idiot, all I have are my friends. People may thing the time you spend with your buddies is trivial, like having a bbq or watching the game, or getting some dinner, or going to the st. anns dance, or going to barbelow or watching FSW or playing the movie game or dancing just because that KTU is on and taking pics on the camera phone or watching scarface and drinking black rum and come home at 5 in the morning or running into random people such as Manny, Jessica, Ben and Jonah and such, or riding up to Bard College with techno, or going to cyclones games, or finding a random drum and bass club on shitstrasse or correcto?correcto, or senior concenses then asking my mom if she wanted a beer or basketball, soccer, baseball, whiffle ball,or fifa or chipped teeth or falling and getting a scar and dropping my sandwich then passing out in the bathroom, or AAU, or working for my Dad and sleeping on the job, or "I'm sorry, I'll clean it up" and you're grandma heard me booting, or greenfields brazilian meatplace, or the garage or john's mom's cookies, or miami vice, or legally blonde 2 while totally high, or going all of the way uptown for a party just cuz it was my bday, or bud tall boyz, or pool, or fire island and so much fucking more, they are not trivial, they are the best moments and I will remember them.
It is time for bed, but these are the last few weeks of highschool and I might as well enjoy them so if anyone sees me down or sad just kick me in the balls and tell me to stop being a little bitch. I think I made my point on love, friendship and memories so until next time...