Because this is the last time I'm doing this... NO LJ CUT!! AHAHAHAAHAHA
Glorfie Stardust: A History
For my own amusement.
glorfind3l
Created February 13, 2002
First updated February 14, 2002
Updated a second time March 2, 2002
Signs a contract with Eldar Records to become "Glorfie Stardust" on 2 March. 4 March, admits to being the "Goblin King"; Rivendell experiences a furry goblin infestation. Glorf sets out to sexually harass Elrond and exist as an airheaded slut. Changes his mind, decides to leave behind his past as an NPC who sticks rings up his butt, beats up his mun (off camera) and sets his sights on a married alcoholic elf with vaguely frightening Marton Csokas icons. Convinces said elf, repressed homosexual and old victim/target/drunkbuddy by name of Celeborn, to help him steal his horse, Asfaloth, back from Celeborn's granddaughter, Arwen, who claimed that Peter Jackson had given the horse to her. Commences Glorfindel/Celeborn plot interaction. Blackmails Arwen over the horse, eventually makes peace, is appointed Celeborn's "bodyguard" by his granddaughter. Continues to hit on Celeborn and subtly push for a divorce. Galadriel finally huffily takes off to Mordor 8 March, declaring that she is to become "evil." (This never happens, probably because she ignores Glorfindel's advice to look into the very eeeeevil filing clerk opportunities in Sauron's office. Tsk.)
9 March, Celeborn admits that he "likes" Glorfindel, Glorf makes a colossal and fortunately successful effort not to tease him about his choice of words. Commence Glorfindel/Celeborn relationship. (Muns remain complete strangers and do not interact OOC.) Celeborn agrees to go on tour with Glorfindel, moves in with him in Rivendell, somewhere along the line starts calling him "Glorfie" regularly. (Glorfiemun takes great pains to get used to this.) Celeborn grows a personality, bless him. Glorfindel's personality 180s to play the straight man (pun not intended) to Celeborn's loveable but histrionic ex-addict. Celeborn also becomes enamored of fuzzy things and strange animals, and a single exceptionally fuzzy goblin is spared in the 12 March Rivendell Goblin Slaughter, an effort to correct the problem of goblins jumping out of closets and cupboards at all hours in Imladris. (In many, many threads throughout all of this, there is much Melkor-attacking-Celeborn bickering, and Melkor vs. Glorfie bickering and sexual harassment that leads to later events. Said bickering sadly ends with Melkor's dwindling participation and eventual disappearance. RIP, Melkie #1. Varda still misses you.) Fuzzy goblin, Jareth, threatens to rape Celeborn on multiple occasions, gnaws on Glorfindel's trachea, and is finally assassinated on 19 March after finally breaking out of his locked wastebasket and causing assorted mayhem. Nevertheless, a harrowing pet collection of Celeborn's begins in the backyard, including an alien (ala Alien), a "harpymander", an evil llama, and so on and so forth.
"I wish I could glare at you for more than two minutes, damnit!"
"Ah, well, that's just my disarming charm at work. ... *laughs* Oh, stop glaring. You love it."
"*attempts glaring again* ... *smiles* Shut up."
"*grins* Like I said."
"Yeah, yeah, your charm. ... You know, it would be so much more charming if you approved of the harpymander."
"I don't need that much charm."
"Damnit."
Celeborn's evil asshole NPC brother, Galathil, after multiple poisonings and other fratricidal attempts on Celeborn's life, is finally hunted down and done away with by Celeborn. He immediately begins haunting the Celeglorf house in Rivendell as the Token Vengeful Ghost. Spends an afternoon throwing knives and chasing Celeborn around with a disembodied axe. Celeborn, refusing to leave the house in order to bid on Harley Davidson cigarettes on eBay, locks himself in the closet with his laptop. Galathil's spirit is yanked back to Valinor just before the axe can chop through the closet door.
mandosnamo: Ah, shit. Sorry about that. We've been having a lot of poltergeist reports since Mandos closed its doors. Souls in limbo do that kind of thing. It's all good, though. We're reopening.
celebrianrules: Namo! Quick, call the Ghost Busters!
mandosnamo: Baby, I am the Ghost Busters.
celebrianrules: Right you are! :)
(Only posting this because it's Ginacel's favourite Námo quote. Eheh.)
Glorfindel comes home and finds out about all of this. Pitches a fit.
"You stayed. inside. for eBay. ... This is where I bitchslap you."
The fight is cut short (relatively speaking) by the 26 March first Middle-earthean Apocalypse: Ossë's Flood/The Raising of Númenor II, in which Glorfindel dies (the first time). Celeborn survives, and gets really, really drunk. Glorfindel gets to deal with the hangover after he's kicked out of Mandos with the rest of the flood victims. Somewhere in all of this, Celeborn's daughter and grandson begin to hint that the couple should get married. Subtle as a ton of bricks, those two. Commence Celeborn's freaking out and high household tension.
Crazy bastard. He's been weird like this for days. When I asked him if we were going to Frodo and Sam's wedding on the 6th, he fell off of his chair.
"What? Wedding? Why? What is it with you people and weddings?! You're always talking about weddings! I need a drink."
"Uh, Cel, I just need to fill out the R.S.V.P. card."
"........Oh. I'll have the chicken."
That his daughter and grandson are determined to see us walk down the aisle probably isn't helping. Elrohir especially likes the idea. We've done the "Are you and my grandfather getting married yet?" routine a dozen times. ("No. Sorry." "Why not?" "Because whenever someone talks about it, your grandfather turns a funny shade of purple and looks like he's choking." "But maybe that's a good thing!" "You're a nice kid. Have a bottle of scotch. I found it hidden in Celeborn's sock drawer.")
Bridal magazines and wedding chapel rental price lists begin appearing in inboxes and under pillows all over the house. Finally, at Frodo and Sam's wedding, the bouquet lands squarely in Glorfindel's lap. "I swear to god, if I find out that this was some elaborately orchestrated scenario plotted out by a dwarf with an extensive knowledge of physics, I'll....... uh......... probably glare at them for a while before going to coax Celeborn out of bathroom." Marriage suggestions and tension do not help relations. Much crap ensues. http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?journal=glorfind3l&itemid=9161
Most importantly, on 6 April, a highly scientific quiz determines that, should he be a Monty Python and the Holy Grail character, Glorfindel would be Tim the Enchanter. Celeborn would be King Arthur. Middle-earth is shaken to its very foundations.
Then.
12 April 2002
As if our lives weren't enough like a bad slash fanfic already.
Yesterday's Biggest Problems:
* I had a papercut.
* A goblin taped Celeborn and I having sex, thinking it was a deathmatch, which was then released on video and DVD throughout the goblin city.
* Celeborn was worried about being unaffectionate.
Today's Biggest Problems:
* I still have a papercut.
* I spent the day out, going around and getting rid of the last of the copies of the goblin's little home video that I could find. I get back, and Celeborn apparently had decided that he hates me for "disappearing."
* Thanks to the asswipe of evil, Celeborn is pregnant.
13 April 2002
"Do you even WANT them?"
"Uh... do you want me to want them?"
"That's not an answer."
"Whatever you want."
"So you don't want them."
"I didn't say that, I said--"
"I disgust you, don't I?"
"What? I--"
"That's why you asked Estë to shorten the term, isn't it?"
"I DI--"
"What the fuck were you thinking? Do you WANT to see me in pain?"
"What the f---"
*starting to cry* "Do you even love me anymore?!"
*feels quite a bit like roadkill* "Would you---"
"You don't, do you? I disgust you." (*is now crying*)
*waits for another outburst... waits... none forthcoming* "No, you don't. Yes, I do. Gods. (*refrains from ripping hair out*) Come here."
*long pause, finally broken by sniffles* "Okay."
Five minutes later
"Did you even THINK to ask me first?!"
"GAH."
Later
"I may as well get a fucking sex change operation."
"Ridiculous."
"Well, why not? After this, how can I ever think of myself as a man again?"
*raises eyebrow* "I could think of a few ways."
"... like what? Sports?"
*sighs and pinches bridge of nose* "....... Yes, Celeborn. Sports."
"I don't like sports."
"Then just drink beer, belch and scratch your balls a lot."
"..... You're being sarcastic!"
"Possibly."
"I hate you. I'm--"
*in unison* "'--going to feed the fuzzy goblins.' Right. Here, an extra box of Twinkies for the little fucks."
*glare, leaves room, takes box of Twinkies with him*
Later
*crying* "At least the goblins love me."
"Ach. No, no, come on, you know I love you. Sit down."
"Great, now you're TREATING me like a woman. You don't have to /placate/ me, Glorfindel."
*mutters under breath, "hormones, it's hormones or some shit, hormones"* "I'm not trying to 'placate' you, goddamnit!"
"I told you to stop YELLING at me!"
"I'M NOT YELLING." (*is now yelling*)
Later
*muffled voice from outside*
"... is he talking to the door?"
Later
"Look, I'm sorry. I-- Are you crying?"
"No. I have dust in my eyes. You never clean this place."
"Bullshit, and no, I don't. I have a cleaning lady do it."
"Fine, don't believe me."
"What's this? 'Sleepless in Seattle'?"
"It was in the VCR."
"Uh...huh."
"Shut up and watch 'Titanic' with me."
*raises eyebrow*
*warning glare*
"OK, OK."
Same day-- Glorfindel proposes. Celeborn accepts. Lots of odd conflict results, but hell, it ends happily. Celebrían and Elrohir are pleased. Fatima Fate fucks with the couple once again when on 19 April, the fuzzy demon goblin, Jareth, comes back from the dead and gets a journal. Glorf attacks it with a flamethrower, but the damn thing never stays dead.
Stress from Celeborn's hormonal behavior and the return of the elficidal goblin causes Glorfindel to have a mental breakdown on 20 April, entertaining the hell out of his mun for over 24 hours. He obtains the famed Special Hat, Andronicus, who is with us to this day, and a very special oversized pet duck, named Duck, who lives somewhere in the extensive menagerie. Many cupcakes are distributed. The blue icinged ones are hallucinogenic, and secretly peach-flavoured. :)
ANDRONICUS, THE SPECIAL HAT
DUCK, THE SPECIAL DUCK
He continues to be a bit unhinged for the next few days.
FOOF.
After an accelerated-growth pregnancy (courtesy of Estë), Valier Varda and Estë deliver Celeborn's babies in a bizarre teleportation-y manner, and twin boys Absinthe and Kubrick are born on 26 April 2002. Valar enchantment prevents Celeborn from growing breasts. (http://www.livejournal.com/users/glorfind3l/day/2002/04/27/) Four days later, as a result of a continental epidemic of Ioreth's sex-change virus, Glorfindel turns into a woman. Thinks its cool that he and Cel are now lesbians. Celeborn fails to see the humor. People unfamiliar with the movie Trainspotting are left in the dark. (Celeborn turns into Peta Wilson. Hehe.)
And because one virus is never enough, the Star Wars virus alters Celeborn's hair a bit, and turns Glorfindel into Liam Neeson's long-lost twin. People living in a cave during the summer of 2001 are left in the dark.
Light sabers abound. Celeborn's father, Galadhon, turns into Darth Vader. Lots of Dark Side mumbo jumbo. Chow Yun Fat tries to seduce Celeborn. Um. You had to be there. Celeborn recovers from the Star Wars virus only to morph into an overeager fucker with a bad haircut, complete with a sudden obsession with his friend, Finduilas. (Not really, but he should have. It would have been funny.) Unable to stop bursting into song at random moments, Celeborn commits suicide. Glorfindel has a fit, as per usual. Also commits suicide, shows up at Mandos and chews Celeborn out. Death #2. Unbeknownst to any but the two of them, Glorfindel had won the deeds to Mandos during a drunken poker game during his first visit there. He blackmails Námo with this to get them expediently returned to Middle-earth. Celeborn puzzles over the "single" box checked under "marital status" on Glorfindel's release form, Glorfindel explains the legal reasons behind it, Celeborn remains slightly confused and disconcerted, and...
Phone call Wednesday evening
ME: Hello?
MALE VOICE: Mr. Stardust?
ME: (Fuck.) Speaking, I guess.
MALE VOICE: Hi, this is Jeff from Eldar Records calling. I work for Ms. Dorys Mattleman.
ME: What a surprise. What can I do for you, Jeff from Eldar?
DORYS' BITCH: Well, sir, Ms. Mattleman asked me to contact you.
ME: Another shock. Care to elaborate?
DORYS' BITCH: Well, sir, Ms. Mattleman says that you haven't been in touch for some time and that your tour dates, postponed indefinitely due to your death and repairs from the recent apocalypse, have yet to be rescheduled. She asks for your "latest excuse", sir.
ME: I've been busy.
DORYS' BITCH: Please sir, how so?
ME: Well, I turned into a woman when that sex change virus was released---
DORYS' BITCH: Wasn't that awful, sir? I turned into J-Lo.
ME: Um, wow. Yeah, so anyway, I caught the Star Wars strain after that and turned into Qui-Gon. Then I killed myself to go pick up my suicidal-idiot fiancé in Mandos, then we came back to life and were haunted by a demon Girl Scout, and I've had a cold since Tuesday.
DORYS' BITCH: Uh... huh. Well, I... okay. I've been asked to cross-check and update your excuse list, so if I could just read it out to you--
ME: Excuse me?
DORYS' BITCH: Ms. Mattleman keeps a record of all of your excuses for postponement and absence. Says it's popular reading around the water cooler. I've been asked to check for any gaps or mistakes, and to update the list with whatever you give me over the phone today.
ME: Oh, I see. Go ahead, then.
DORYS' BITCH: Great. Let me see... since March...
1. apocalypse/death
2. trip to aid in fratricide
3. hiding out from lover's evil, murderous father recently returned from the dead
4. fuck off, Dorys
5. lover kidnapped and cuffed to furniture in undetermined location
6. war
7. gay hobbit wedding
8. fuck off, Dorys
9. hungover
10. lover kidnapped and being given mudbath by psycho in undetermined location
11. fuck off, Dorys
12. fiancé impregnated by evil fucker
13. fiancé's pregnancy being accelerated by Valar
14. fuck off, Dorys
15. care of newborns
16. fuck off, Dorys
17. psychotic goblin's return from dead
18. psychotic break/maintenance of Special Hat, Andronicus
19. temporary involuntary sex change
20. transformation into large-nosed Episode I character
21. suicide
...anything else?
ME: That's all out of order.
DORYS' BITCH: I don't suppose you could help correct it?
ME: No.
DORYS' BITCH: Okay then! Today's excuse?
ME: Getting married.
DORYS' BITCH: All righty. Thank you for your time, Mr. Stardust.
ME: Stop calling me that.
DORYS' BITCH: Right. Goodbye!
ME: Yup. < click >
17 March, Samwise Gamgee officiates their wedding ceremony, the reception for which continues into the early 18th. A few short days after the wedding, the first canon virus hits Middle-earth as a result of Peter Jackson fucking up digital character files. Celeborn is snapped out of his infection by the words "MARTON CSOKAS". Glorfindel remains canon, partially because of the lack of any horrifying cast member's name to be shouted in his direction. Celeborn is told to get him drunk and shag him out of it, but he settles on getting him drunk, tying him to the bed and threatening to sic goblins on him. Then shagging him.
"Celeborn!"
"Mmrrph... wha?"
"Wake up."
"Wha.. mmph no."
"Damn it. CELEBORN, WAKE UP OR I--"
He snapped to attention, bolting upright in bed, and leaned over me in the dark. "Wait. What? You're back to normal?"
"No. I'm Judy Garland today. Fucking untie me."
More virii to follow. Bakshi causes everyone's personalities to turn into those of the people in their icons. I'm sick of writing about outbreaks, so just read the damned post. There's only one, and there are Ewan McGregor pictures. Glorfindel dies later that same day of a spider bite, which took place in a chat room and was really only carried out to mess with Celeborn's mun. Results in an incredibly sappy thread. Glorfindel posts the chat in which he stripped to "Space Oddity" as consolation. Linked for the benefit of Ginacel and I, and the others involved.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/glorfind3l/day/2002/06/03/
Possession by Théoden results in unexpected trip to Mexico
Another fucking virus. Everyone regressed to childhood.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/glorfind3l/day/2002/06/12/
Still an adult, thank the gods. Appearing in a Jim Henson movie and coming out with your career still intact gives you immunity to certain virii, epidemics and curses. As I defied the animation virus, so I defy the regression curse. Besides, most people doubt that I was ever a child in the first place, since I have no parents or photographic evidence to prove otherwise.
But...
That was funny. Jareth magically reappears the next day. Cel and Glorfie muns <3 Jareth. ;-*
I am easily amused.
Cel cuts his hand off. It's a long story. He gets it back later. There's apparently another apocalypse in early August.
*sits back, opens newspaper*
*glances over headlines*
The world ended again?
......
That explains my insurance rates going up.
21 August. The butterflies attack. A mighty battle is waged in Celeborn's garden for many days. They are seemingly invincible. Until! Glorfindel and Celeborn develop the Ultimate Weapon, some sort of pesticide of undetermined origins. They inadvertently bathe in it or something, and next thing you know they're decorating the house with skulls. Wacky chemicals, those pesticides. Glorfindel and Celeborn move to Mordor, a place better suited to their newly altered tastes. They're still there when Glorfindel is chloroformed by strangers and snatched from the yard on Halloween, still in his mask and Halloweeny icon. A ransom note is delivered and answered accordingly, but Glorfindel remains missing. He is presumed dead by Celeborn.
And we come to the end of Glorfindel's MESPT story, and accordingly, Celeborn's. They've moved on, gone on to a better place. A happier, more peaceful plane of existence. A place that loads faster and was willing to give them Early Adopter accounts.. Be happy for them. We are. :) Ball lickers.
Goodniiiiiiiiiiight, Middle-earth. So long, and thanks for all the fish.
For my own amusement.
glorfind3l
Created February 13, 2002
First updated February 14, 2002
Updated a second time March 2, 2002
Signs a contract with Eldar Records to become "Glorfie Stardust" on 2 March. 4 March, admits to being the "Goblin King"; Rivendell experiences a furry goblin infestation. Glorf sets out to sexually harass Elrond and exist as an airheaded slut. Changes his mind, decides to leave behind his past as an NPC who sticks rings up his butt, beats up his mun (off camera) and sets his sights on a married alcoholic elf with vaguely frightening Marton Csokas icons. Convinces said elf, repressed homosexual and old victim/target/drunkbuddy by name of Celeborn, to help him steal his horse, Asfaloth, back from Celeborn's granddaughter, Arwen, who claimed that Peter Jackson had given the horse to her. Commences Glorfindel/Celeborn plot interaction. Blackmails Arwen over the horse, eventually makes peace, is appointed Celeborn's "bodyguard" by his granddaughter. Continues to hit on Celeborn and subtly push for a divorce. Galadriel finally huffily takes off to Mordor 8 March, declaring that she is to become "evil." (This never happens, probably because she ignores Glorfindel's advice to look into the very eeeeevil filing clerk opportunities in Sauron's office. Tsk.)
9 March, Celeborn admits that he "likes" Glorfindel, Glorf makes a colossal and fortunately successful effort not to tease him about his choice of words. Commence Glorfindel/Celeborn relationship. (Muns remain complete strangers and do not interact OOC.) Celeborn agrees to go on tour with Glorfindel, moves in with him in Rivendell, somewhere along the line starts calling him "Glorfie" regularly. (Glorfiemun takes great pains to get used to this.) Celeborn grows a personality, bless him. Glorfindel's personality 180s to play the straight man (pun not intended) to Celeborn's loveable but histrionic ex-addict. Celeborn also becomes enamored of fuzzy things and strange animals, and a single exceptionally fuzzy goblin is spared in the 12 March Rivendell Goblin Slaughter, an effort to correct the problem of goblins jumping out of closets and cupboards at all hours in Imladris. (In many, many threads throughout all of this, there is much Melkor-attacking-Celeborn bickering, and Melkor vs. Glorfie bickering and sexual harassment that leads to later events. Said bickering sadly ends with Melkor's dwindling participation and eventual disappearance. RIP, Melkie #1. Varda still misses you.) Fuzzy goblin, Jareth, threatens to rape Celeborn on multiple occasions, gnaws on Glorfindel's trachea, and is finally assassinated on 19 March after finally breaking out of his locked wastebasket and causing assorted mayhem. Nevertheless, a harrowing pet collection of Celeborn's begins in the backyard, including an alien (ala Alien), a "harpymander", an evil llama, and so on and so forth.
"I wish I could glare at you for more than two minutes, damnit!"
"Ah, well, that's just my disarming charm at work. ... *laughs* Oh, stop glaring. You love it."
"*attempts glaring again* ... *smiles* Shut up."
"*grins* Like I said."
"Yeah, yeah, your charm. ... You know, it would be so much more charming if you approved of the harpymander."
"I don't need that much charm."
"Damnit."
Celeborn's evil asshole NPC brother, Galathil, after multiple poisonings and other fratricidal attempts on Celeborn's life, is finally hunted down and done away with by Celeborn. He immediately begins haunting the Celeglorf house in Rivendell as the Token Vengeful Ghost. Spends an afternoon throwing knives and chasing Celeborn around with a disembodied axe. Celeborn, refusing to leave the house in order to bid on Harley Davidson cigarettes on eBay, locks himself in the closet with his laptop. Galathil's spirit is yanked back to Valinor just before the axe can chop through the closet door.
mandosnamo: Ah, shit. Sorry about that. We've been having a lot of poltergeist reports since Mandos closed its doors. Souls in limbo do that kind of thing. It's all good, though. We're reopening.
celebrianrules: Namo! Quick, call the Ghost Busters!
mandosnamo: Baby, I am the Ghost Busters.
celebrianrules: Right you are! :)
(Only posting this because it's Ginacel's favourite Námo quote. Eheh.)
Glorfindel comes home and finds out about all of this. Pitches a fit.
"You stayed. inside. for eBay. ... This is where I bitchslap you."
The fight is cut short (relatively speaking) by the 26 March first Middle-earthean Apocalypse: Ossë's Flood/The Raising of Númenor II, in which Glorfindel dies (the first time). Celeborn survives, and gets really, really drunk. Glorfindel gets to deal with the hangover after he's kicked out of Mandos with the rest of the flood victims. Somewhere in all of this, Celeborn's daughter and grandson begin to hint that the couple should get married. Subtle as a ton of bricks, those two. Commence Celeborn's freaking out and high household tension.
Crazy bastard. He's been weird like this for days. When I asked him if we were going to Frodo and Sam's wedding on the 6th, he fell off of his chair.
"What? Wedding? Why? What is it with you people and weddings?! You're always talking about weddings! I need a drink."
"Uh, Cel, I just need to fill out the R.S.V.P. card."
"........Oh. I'll have the chicken."
That his daughter and grandson are determined to see us walk down the aisle probably isn't helping. Elrohir especially likes the idea. We've done the "Are you and my grandfather getting married yet?" routine a dozen times. ("No. Sorry." "Why not?" "Because whenever someone talks about it, your grandfather turns a funny shade of purple and looks like he's choking." "But maybe that's a good thing!" "You're a nice kid. Have a bottle of scotch. I found it hidden in Celeborn's sock drawer.")
Bridal magazines and wedding chapel rental price lists begin appearing in inboxes and under pillows all over the house. Finally, at Frodo and Sam's wedding, the bouquet lands squarely in Glorfindel's lap. "I swear to god, if I find out that this was some elaborately orchestrated scenario plotted out by a dwarf with an extensive knowledge of physics, I'll....... uh......... probably glare at them for a while before going to coax Celeborn out of bathroom." Marriage suggestions and tension do not help relations. Much crap ensues. http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?journal=glorfind3l&itemid=9161
Most importantly, on 6 April, a highly scientific quiz determines that, should he be a Monty Python and the Holy Grail character, Glorfindel would be Tim the Enchanter. Celeborn would be King Arthur. Middle-earth is shaken to its very foundations.
Then.
12 April 2002
As if our lives weren't enough like a bad slash fanfic already.
Yesterday's Biggest Problems:
* I had a papercut.
* A goblin taped Celeborn and I having sex, thinking it was a deathmatch, which was then released on video and DVD throughout the goblin city.
* Celeborn was worried about being unaffectionate.
Today's Biggest Problems:
* I still have a papercut.
* I spent the day out, going around and getting rid of the last of the copies of the goblin's little home video that I could find. I get back, and Celeborn apparently had decided that he hates me for "disappearing."
* Thanks to the asswipe of evil, Celeborn is pregnant.
13 April 2002
"Do you even WANT them?"
"Uh... do you want me to want them?"
"That's not an answer."
"Whatever you want."
"So you don't want them."
"I didn't say that, I said--"
"I disgust you, don't I?"
"What? I--"
"That's why you asked Estë to shorten the term, isn't it?"
"I DI--"
"What the fuck were you thinking? Do you WANT to see me in pain?"
"What the f---"
*starting to cry* "Do you even love me anymore?!"
*feels quite a bit like roadkill* "Would you---"
"You don't, do you? I disgust you." (*is now crying*)
*waits for another outburst... waits... none forthcoming* "No, you don't. Yes, I do. Gods. (*refrains from ripping hair out*) Come here."
*long pause, finally broken by sniffles* "Okay."
Five minutes later
"Did you even THINK to ask me first?!"
"GAH."
Later
"I may as well get a fucking sex change operation."
"Ridiculous."
"Well, why not? After this, how can I ever think of myself as a man again?"
*raises eyebrow* "I could think of a few ways."
"... like what? Sports?"
*sighs and pinches bridge of nose* "....... Yes, Celeborn. Sports."
"I don't like sports."
"Then just drink beer, belch and scratch your balls a lot."
"..... You're being sarcastic!"
"Possibly."
"I hate you. I'm--"
*in unison* "'--going to feed the fuzzy goblins.' Right. Here, an extra box of Twinkies for the little fucks."
*glare, leaves room, takes box of Twinkies with him*
Later
*crying* "At least the goblins love me."
"Ach. No, no, come on, you know I love you. Sit down."
"Great, now you're TREATING me like a woman. You don't have to /placate/ me, Glorfindel."
*mutters under breath, "hormones, it's hormones or some shit, hormones"* "I'm not trying to 'placate' you, goddamnit!"
"I told you to stop YELLING at me!"
"I'M NOT YELLING." (*is now yelling*)
Later
*muffled voice from outside*
"... is he talking to the door?"
Later
"Look, I'm sorry. I-- Are you crying?"
"No. I have dust in my eyes. You never clean this place."
"Bullshit, and no, I don't. I have a cleaning lady do it."
"Fine, don't believe me."
"What's this? 'Sleepless in Seattle'?"
"It was in the VCR."
"Uh...huh."
"Shut up and watch 'Titanic' with me."
*raises eyebrow*
*warning glare*
"OK, OK."
Same day-- Glorfindel proposes. Celeborn accepts. Lots of odd conflict results, but hell, it ends happily. Celebrían and Elrohir are pleased. Fatima Fate fucks with the couple once again when on 19 April, the fuzzy demon goblin, Jareth, comes back from the dead and gets a journal. Glorf attacks it with a flamethrower, but the damn thing never stays dead.
Stress from Celeborn's hormonal behavior and the return of the elficidal goblin causes Glorfindel to have a mental breakdown on 20 April, entertaining the hell out of his mun for over 24 hours. He obtains the famed Special Hat, Andronicus, who is with us to this day, and a very special oversized pet duck, named Duck, who lives somewhere in the extensive menagerie. Many cupcakes are distributed. The blue icinged ones are hallucinogenic, and secretly peach-flavoured. :)
ANDRONICUS, THE SPECIAL HAT
DUCK, THE SPECIAL DUCK
He continues to be a bit unhinged for the next few days.
FOOF.
After an accelerated-growth pregnancy (courtesy of Estë), Valier Varda and Estë deliver Celeborn's babies in a bizarre teleportation-y manner, and twin boys Absinthe and Kubrick are born on 26 April 2002. Valar enchantment prevents Celeborn from growing breasts. (http://www.livejournal.com/users/glorfind3l/day/2002/04/27/) Four days later, as a result of a continental epidemic of Ioreth's sex-change virus, Glorfindel turns into a woman. Thinks its cool that he and Cel are now lesbians. Celeborn fails to see the humor. People unfamiliar with the movie Trainspotting are left in the dark. (Celeborn turns into Peta Wilson. Hehe.)
And because one virus is never enough, the Star Wars virus alters Celeborn's hair a bit, and turns Glorfindel into Liam Neeson's long-lost twin. People living in a cave during the summer of 2001 are left in the dark.
Light sabers abound. Celeborn's father, Galadhon, turns into Darth Vader. Lots of Dark Side mumbo jumbo. Chow Yun Fat tries to seduce Celeborn. Um. You had to be there. Celeborn recovers from the Star Wars virus only to morph into an overeager fucker with a bad haircut, complete with a sudden obsession with his friend, Finduilas. (Not really, but he should have. It would have been funny.) Unable to stop bursting into song at random moments, Celeborn commits suicide. Glorfindel has a fit, as per usual. Also commits suicide, shows up at Mandos and chews Celeborn out. Death #2. Unbeknownst to any but the two of them, Glorfindel had won the deeds to Mandos during a drunken poker game during his first visit there. He blackmails Námo with this to get them expediently returned to Middle-earth. Celeborn puzzles over the "single" box checked under "marital status" on Glorfindel's release form, Glorfindel explains the legal reasons behind it, Celeborn remains slightly confused and disconcerted, and...
Phone call Wednesday evening
ME: Hello?
MALE VOICE: Mr. Stardust?
ME: (Fuck.) Speaking, I guess.
MALE VOICE: Hi, this is Jeff from Eldar Records calling. I work for Ms. Dorys Mattleman.
ME: What a surprise. What can I do for you, Jeff from Eldar?
DORYS' BITCH: Well, sir, Ms. Mattleman asked me to contact you.
ME: Another shock. Care to elaborate?
DORYS' BITCH: Well, sir, Ms. Mattleman says that you haven't been in touch for some time and that your tour dates, postponed indefinitely due to your death and repairs from the recent apocalypse, have yet to be rescheduled. She asks for your "latest excuse", sir.
ME: I've been busy.
DORYS' BITCH: Please sir, how so?
ME: Well, I turned into a woman when that sex change virus was released---
DORYS' BITCH: Wasn't that awful, sir? I turned into J-Lo.
ME: Um, wow. Yeah, so anyway, I caught the Star Wars strain after that and turned into Qui-Gon. Then I killed myself to go pick up my suicidal-idiot fiancé in Mandos, then we came back to life and were haunted by a demon Girl Scout, and I've had a cold since Tuesday.
DORYS' BITCH: Uh... huh. Well, I... okay. I've been asked to cross-check and update your excuse list, so if I could just read it out to you--
ME: Excuse me?
DORYS' BITCH: Ms. Mattleman keeps a record of all of your excuses for postponement and absence. Says it's popular reading around the water cooler. I've been asked to check for any gaps or mistakes, and to update the list with whatever you give me over the phone today.
ME: Oh, I see. Go ahead, then.
DORYS' BITCH: Great. Let me see... since March...
1. apocalypse/death
2. trip to aid in fratricide
3. hiding out from lover's evil, murderous father recently returned from the dead
4. fuck off, Dorys
5. lover kidnapped and cuffed to furniture in undetermined location
6. war
7. gay hobbit wedding
8. fuck off, Dorys
9. hungover
10. lover kidnapped and being given mudbath by psycho in undetermined location
11. fuck off, Dorys
12. fiancé impregnated by evil fucker
13. fiancé's pregnancy being accelerated by Valar
14. fuck off, Dorys
15. care of newborns
16. fuck off, Dorys
17. psychotic goblin's return from dead
18. psychotic break/maintenance of Special Hat, Andronicus
19. temporary involuntary sex change
20. transformation into large-nosed Episode I character
21. suicide
...anything else?
ME: That's all out of order.
DORYS' BITCH: I don't suppose you could help correct it?
ME: No.
DORYS' BITCH: Okay then! Today's excuse?
ME: Getting married.
DORYS' BITCH: All righty. Thank you for your time, Mr. Stardust.
ME: Stop calling me that.
DORYS' BITCH: Right. Goodbye!
ME: Yup. < click >
17 March, Samwise Gamgee officiates their wedding ceremony, the reception for which continues into the early 18th. A few short days after the wedding, the first canon virus hits Middle-earth as a result of Peter Jackson fucking up digital character files. Celeborn is snapped out of his infection by the words "MARTON CSOKAS". Glorfindel remains canon, partially because of the lack of any horrifying cast member's name to be shouted in his direction. Celeborn is told to get him drunk and shag him out of it, but he settles on getting him drunk, tying him to the bed and threatening to sic goblins on him. Then shagging him.
"Celeborn!"
"Mmrrph... wha?"
"Wake up."
"Wha.. mmph no."
"Damn it. CELEBORN, WAKE UP OR I--"
He snapped to attention, bolting upright in bed, and leaned over me in the dark. "Wait. What? You're back to normal?"
"No. I'm Judy Garland today. Fucking untie me."
More virii to follow. Bakshi causes everyone's personalities to turn into those of the people in their icons. I'm sick of writing about outbreaks, so just read the damned post. There's only one, and there are Ewan McGregor pictures. Glorfindel dies later that same day of a spider bite, which took place in a chat room and was really only carried out to mess with Celeborn's mun. Results in an incredibly sappy thread. Glorfindel posts the chat in which he stripped to "Space Oddity" as consolation. Linked for the benefit of Ginacel and I, and the others involved.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/glorfind3l/day/2002/06/03/
Possession by Théoden results in unexpected trip to Mexico
Another fucking virus. Everyone regressed to childhood.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/glorfind3l/day/2002/06/12/
Still an adult, thank the gods. Appearing in a Jim Henson movie and coming out with your career still intact gives you immunity to certain virii, epidemics and curses. As I defied the animation virus, so I defy the regression curse. Besides, most people doubt that I was ever a child in the first place, since I have no parents or photographic evidence to prove otherwise.
But...
That was funny. Jareth magically reappears the next day. Cel and Glorfie muns <3 Jareth. ;-*
I am easily amused.
Cel cuts his hand off. It's a long story. He gets it back later. There's apparently another apocalypse in early August.
*sits back, opens newspaper*
*glances over headlines*
The world ended again?
......
That explains my insurance rates going up.
21 August. The butterflies attack. A mighty battle is waged in Celeborn's garden for many days. They are seemingly invincible. Until! Glorfindel and Celeborn develop the Ultimate Weapon, some sort of pesticide of undetermined origins. They inadvertently bathe in it or something, and next thing you know they're decorating the house with skulls. Wacky chemicals, those pesticides. Glorfindel and Celeborn move to Mordor, a place better suited to their newly altered tastes. They're still there when Glorfindel is chloroformed by strangers and snatched from the yard on Halloween, still in his mask and Halloweeny icon. A ransom note is delivered and answered accordingly, but Glorfindel remains missing. He is presumed dead by Celeborn.
And we come to the end of Glorfindel's MESPT story, and accordingly, Celeborn's. They've moved on, gone on to a better place. A happier, more peaceful plane of existence. A place that loads faster and was willing to give them Early Adopter accounts.. Be happy for them. We are. :) Ball lickers.
Goodniiiiiiiiiiight, Middle-earth. So long, and thanks for all the fish.