(no subject)
Is there honestly any good way to explain to a generally well-meaning friend that their attempts at listening and understanding what you're going through inevitably make you feel far worse than you did before you took the chance of confiding in them? If so, I'm not aware of it, and consequently fucked up that conversation. Most likely, I shouldn't have bothered at all, but he at least makes some attempt to be honest with me, so I felt somewhat obligated to return the favor rather than continue to flatteringly put off his offers of comfort.
I don't think I can afford anymore to overlook the possibility of this trend having some chemical source. Everything affects me more than it usually does, much more than it should. I'm overly resentful of every injustice or inequality. It seems like the state of mind seizes upon every opportunity to feed itself, and it's aided greatly by a hypervigilance that sincerely embarrasses me but which I cannot control. Even when I say nothing about it, it harries me, and if I ignore whatever's arousing it, it's all the worse when I think about it again, due to thinking of what I likely missed while I wasn't paying attention to it.
I wish I'd continued with the EMDR to the point where I felt it actually worked to help diffuse and avert these sorts of responses, rather than just making me focus on the things I'd forget if I could.
It's all fairly pointless. I feel like I'm pleading with my fucking livejournal for some sympathy. There's none to be found from any person that I don't have to discard as either too much a cause of some of the things I'm experiencing, or else too heavily weighed down by their own problems. Where is the person I used to be able to be for people before I became one of the latter group? The only place where I don't feel too horrible and disgusting to be worthy of being cared for is at church. I can go tomorrow since my parents probably won't. The sanctuary is no less silent and empty than my apartment, but there is something else there that isn't here, even if it's only the love that the people who pass through it have for each other. They won't mind that I borrow some of it.
I don't think I can afford anymore to overlook the possibility of this trend having some chemical source. Everything affects me more than it usually does, much more than it should. I'm overly resentful of every injustice or inequality. It seems like the state of mind seizes upon every opportunity to feed itself, and it's aided greatly by a hypervigilance that sincerely embarrasses me but which I cannot control. Even when I say nothing about it, it harries me, and if I ignore whatever's arousing it, it's all the worse when I think about it again, due to thinking of what I likely missed while I wasn't paying attention to it.
I wish I'd continued with the EMDR to the point where I felt it actually worked to help diffuse and avert these sorts of responses, rather than just making me focus on the things I'd forget if I could.
It's all fairly pointless. I feel like I'm pleading with my fucking livejournal for some sympathy. There's none to be found from any person that I don't have to discard as either too much a cause of some of the things I'm experiencing, or else too heavily weighed down by their own problems. Where is the person I used to be able to be for people before I became one of the latter group? The only place where I don't feel too horrible and disgusting to be worthy of being cared for is at church. I can go tomorrow since my parents probably won't. The sanctuary is no less silent and empty than my apartment, but there is something else there that isn't here, even if it's only the love that the people who pass through it have for each other. They won't mind that I borrow some of it.