Eh?

[glockgal]

I'm Sorry
I've felt there are two categories of 'I'm sorry' which many people (including me!) have used:

TYPE 1: the true apology, where the apologist is genuinely interested in changing their actions and/or perspectives. They are generally willing to listen, to learn, to progress, to practice further conscientious behaviour.

TYPE 2: the false

Comments

[florahart]

I'm not sure where this one goes, but I see it a lot: I'm sorry, but if you're going to [action] then [consequence], or similar. Uh, like, "I'm sorry, but if you walk out in the busy street without looking, there's a decent chance you're either going to get hit by a car or going to get scared about to death by a close call." I am very sure I say things like this to my kids--I'm sorry you're hungry RITE NAO, but I can't make dinner with no pans or plates, and doing the dishes is your job and you haven't done them, so yes, very sorry you are hungry, but it's going to take a while to do anything about it.

This one's a problem because sometimes it means, I'm sorry you don't like this obvious outcome, but there it is (and understanding this will help you understand how not to see the consequence again), and sometimes it's used in really icky ways, like, "I'm sorry, but if you walk around in a skirt like that, men are going to rape you." <--NOT FLORA'S OPINION. I think folks who use it this second way, which generally, I think (without spending a lot of time contemplating), is icky because of privilege issues, don't understand that the consequence they're stating is not actually a natural and obvious one.

And then, maybe a type of your type 3: the defensive one, where the speaker has some shame about something but no one is actually upset with them. "I'm sorry, but I like reading trashy novels (unspoken: despite their sometimes-frustrating gender assumptions and creeptastic consent issues and stuff)."

[glockgal]

Oooh that's a good one to bring up. And yes, I guess it's like a Type 4 : the warning apology? With a Part 1 (reasonable warning) and a Part 2 (insidious victim blaming)?

Interesting addition to Type 3. Before reading your unspoken, I immediately translated "I'm sorry, but I like reading trashy novels" to be coded as "I'm not sorry at all, in fact, I'm quite proud; but I'm confident that you will judge me" which could be taken as a passive-aggressive way of delivering one's opinion? As you say, it immediately puts the other in the defensive.

Thinking more about that, I recall that I have had people say "I'm sorry, but I like _______" delivered to me like a defensive challenge. To which I respond "um. good for you?" because I refuse to be cornered into the role of their Socially Normative Oppressor. I tend to be more annoyed when friends do this, because I feel like 'dude, you KNOW me. You should know better than to assume I'd somehow judge you for your preference'.