help
I don't know how to deal with the well of angst that makes up so much of the core of who I am. Whenever I hear certain music, or spend enough time actually engaging with certain emotions, or think about people I haven't seen in a long time, I wind up encountering a lot of seemingly intractable problems. I'm lonely, but I don't want to be around people. I'm angry, but I'm not angry *at* anything. I'm sad, but there's too many reasons to count and I can't figure out what is at the core of it.
Whenever I try to analyze my emotions it feels like trying to grab smoke. The act of trying to grasp my feelings disperses them and I'm left in a (sort of) neutral state which winds up being very unhelpful. From here it is hard for me to tell what might help with my problems because I can't really remember what happy is. It's hard for me to remember why I've ever really been sad, too. I hated going through this in counseling. It always felt like a waste of time because I just *knew* that, in this state, any conclusion I reached in regards to solving my problems would wind up being woefully inadequate.
I think this emotional withdrawal might actually be a defense mechanism of some sort. Like, some part of me is afraid to stare too deeply into my angst-well because it is convinced that it leads inevitably to self destruction. So instead of staring into the well until the compulsion to throw myself in and drown becomes too strong, I just paper over the opening and get on with my life. To be fair to the part of my brain that does this, suicide or some other form of self destruction does come up a lot in my head when I try to think about my feelings.
Anyway, I'm too sleepy to carry on writing. Maybe this helped me feel better. Maybe I just papered over how I'm *actually* feeling. It's hard for me to tell.
Whenever I try to analyze my emotions it feels like trying to grab smoke. The act of trying to grasp my feelings disperses them and I'm left in a (sort of) neutral state which winds up being very unhelpful. From here it is hard for me to tell what might help with my problems because I can't really remember what happy is. It's hard for me to remember why I've ever really been sad, too. I hated going through this in counseling. It always felt like a waste of time because I just *knew* that, in this state, any conclusion I reached in regards to solving my problems would wind up being woefully inadequate.
I think this emotional withdrawal might actually be a defense mechanism of some sort. Like, some part of me is afraid to stare too deeply into my angst-well because it is convinced that it leads inevitably to self destruction. So instead of staring into the well until the compulsion to throw myself in and drown becomes too strong, I just paper over the opening and get on with my life. To be fair to the part of my brain that does this, suicide or some other form of self destruction does come up a lot in my head when I try to think about my feelings.
Anyway, I'm too sleepy to carry on writing. Maybe this helped me feel better. Maybe I just papered over how I'm *actually* feeling. It's hard for me to tell.