Breaking Out (accidentally never posted. Don't know when I wrote this)
I feel like I'm starting to wake up from a years long sleep. For god-knows-how-many years I've essentially existed entirely as a bit of internet floatsam. I've lurked and I've lurked, but it has been a very long time since I've felt like an actual part of the world like I do now. Of course, at heart, I'm still mostly a wallflower. I often prefer to observe things over taking part, but lately I've been feeling more comfortable talking to people I haven't known for the majority of my life. It's cool.
As a consequence (or maybe it's the cause?) of waking up I have started to experience emotions much more vividly than I have in a long time. More emotions than frustration and cynicism, even! I want things. I'm happy when I hear from friends. I... well I don't really feel driven when it comes to school, but even that seems like a possibility for the future. Perhaps the most noticeable change is with my libido. I mean I still think I have more of a sex walk than a sex drive, but the difference between 0 and 1 is infinitely more significant than the difference between 1 and 100. I want companionship. Not bad enough to put real effort into it, not yet, but it's there and it's fucking great. It's like I'm a kid who is just starting to think that girls might not be so icky after all.
On a completely unrelated note, the crows at UWB campus are insane. Lately every evening enough crows flock to this tiny campus to turn the roofs of all the buildings completely black. No exaggeration. They cover every inch. It's loud as fuck and intimidating and mysterious and cool.
Back on topic. It's really hard for me to seperate out cause and effect when it comes to my emotions. I've been listening to a lot more music lately for instance. Is that because I've been in a better mood or am I in a better mood because I've been listening to a lot of music? I can take literally every good thing I've enjoyed in the last month or two and ask the same question. How can I know how to fix this shit if it breaks again? I wish that were an answerable question.
On the less positive side of things, this increased emotional sensation has left me keenly aware of this enourmous lump in my chest. Whenever I start thinking about certain things, like The Future or
As a consequence (or maybe it's the cause?) of waking up I have started to experience emotions much more vividly than I have in a long time. More emotions than frustration and cynicism, even! I want things. I'm happy when I hear from friends. I... well I don't really feel driven when it comes to school, but even that seems like a possibility for the future. Perhaps the most noticeable change is with my libido. I mean I still think I have more of a sex walk than a sex drive, but the difference between 0 and 1 is infinitely more significant than the difference between 1 and 100. I want companionship. Not bad enough to put real effort into it, not yet, but it's there and it's fucking great. It's like I'm a kid who is just starting to think that girls might not be so icky after all.
On a completely unrelated note, the crows at UWB campus are insane. Lately every evening enough crows flock to this tiny campus to turn the roofs of all the buildings completely black. No exaggeration. They cover every inch. It's loud as fuck and intimidating and mysterious and cool.
Back on topic. It's really hard for me to seperate out cause and effect when it comes to my emotions. I've been listening to a lot more music lately for instance. Is that because I've been in a better mood or am I in a better mood because I've been listening to a lot of music? I can take literally every good thing I've enjoyed in the last month or two and ask the same question. How can I know how to fix this shit if it breaks again? I wish that were an answerable question.
On the less positive side of things, this increased emotional sensation has left me keenly aware of this enourmous lump in my chest. Whenever I start thinking about certain things, like The Future or