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Yesterday I slept 12 and a half hours. That pissed me off. So I did not do anything really productive, but that's okay. I wanted to just take advantage and relax. I went to see some friends. (Trelliachan and Panzerschwein) Forgive me... my hands are still thawing out. I will get to that. Just calm down and listen. I'm a hypocrite for telling anyone to calm down, but that's not the point. Fuck you.
I haved fun with my friends. We went to eat. They bought me food which I am still trying to not feel guilty for. I was being irresponsible yesterday. That's how I relax. I don't know. I have to figure out how to relax. I still can't find it. Well this morning I did, but wait for it, you bastard.
I felt myself getting tense later in the night. I thought "WTF I have not had to deal with any stress today and I am having fun and relaxing!" My stomach is in knots. I will explain. Just you wait. Grr...headache, thawing. Ugh. Taking a breath is almost giving me brain freeze. Bitch bitch bitch.
I kept sighing and feeling tense, particularly my head bumps that come out when I am stressed.
They brought me home. I got here by 3ish. I got on the computer. I read a lot of old emails from my love. They made me feel good.<---- See look. I was doing things to help myself calm down and feel good. I spent about an hour and a half doing this. Then I went down stairs for my laying in bed, listening to my lovely Death in June and Dead Can Dance playlist that soothes me and helps me sleep. I usually start with Death in June because it makes me feel very comfortable. Particularly, Nations makes me ultra comfy. La la la... I stared at the visualizations, relaxing and giving them more focus than ever before. Really taking them in and finding nice things about some that I had overlooked before. Most of them still sucked entirely. That is the case with everything. I can sometimes get in this relaxed mindset that puts me on the perfect wave length for the music, as if I am laying between sheets of the music in a wonderful reality that only I know. I couldn't reach it. I told myself I could because I had done it on previous nights, but I just was too tense. I could feel it in my shoulders. I can still feel it. Worse even.
So I made a list of hardcore, punk, grindcore, basically anything to help me embrace my anger and stress in a fun way. I listened laying in bed. I started hearing my dad getting up. I came up to get some coffee and to see my dad and my brother Skylar, both of whom I love dearly and are usually very entertaining in their own ways. I made Iced coffee with hazlenut flavor after hyperly annoying the shit out of Skylar to wake him up. My dad took Skylar and his friend to school. I immediately thought of a great idea....
I ran downstairs to get bundled up and grabbed my camera. I had to beat sunrise. The sun was already starting to rise, but I ran down to the woods. I took pictures. It was so amazing and fun. When I heard a big slap on the water my eyes darted around. "What was that?" A brown furry little creature was swimming around. I felt a ton of stress melt down my body, left on the ground I stood on. My mouth dropped and my eyes were wide with genuine excitement. I was in my own nirvana."Otter!" "Slap!!!" "No, beaver." It would swim down the creek. "Slap!!" Ten seconds and 50 ft later "Slap!" It swam faster than I could travel, watching out for tripping and snakes and such. I kept thinking "I am going to accidentally drop my camera in the water trying to get shots. No. I won't. I am aware. I AM NOT GOING TO LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO THIS CAMERA."
I took a video trying to capture this swimming wonder, but the video was coming out so dark and I don't think it stuck its head above water while I was filming, not even a tailslap. Oh well. At least I got to see it. It made me happy. Made my day really. You don't understand how I get when I see types of animals that I don't see on a normal day-to-day basis.
I kept walking and taking pictures. I found an axe in a log. I will call it a tomahawk though because that is what I called it in my head. Tomahawk is wayyyy more interesting than axe.
Anyway... on my way back I decided to run up a muddy hill to get more pictures. I slipped, dropped my camera, in slow motion I reached out just too short, to watch it fall into the water. Only a corner of it did. I ran home as fast as I could. I am not usually in love with objects, but I love this camera so much. I realized how cold my hands were when I could barely bend my fingers around my key "come on come on dammit!!" Panting. I had mud all over my right hand from slapping the ground grabbing the string on my camera. I unfortunately had to wash my hands before attempting to clean my camera and hope that it worked. It did.
But... just a few minutes ago I was tapping it on the pages of a spiral notebook, to let some of the sand and dirt fall out.
LENS ERROR 0X0311
Now it doesn't work.
I AM A FUCKING GENIUS. APPARENTLY I LOVE BEING DEPRESSED AND STRESSED OUT. I FUCKING KILL EVERY OUNCE OF JOY IN MY LIFE.
I am going to look for the manual. I hope I can get something done about this. I have no fucking money. Most days I took over 200 pictures. Don't fucking tell me its gone. I can't take it.