fuck it
i didnt get into govenors school. i really thought i had it this time. ill admit it, i cried, alot. maybe i should give up. maybe i really do have no talent. maybe id do better at something else, but i dont want to give up my dreams damnit! i dont know what to do now. i was depending on governors school as my excuse for giving up pa's theatre. damnit. i guess i could just do stuff outside of school, i know itd be alot more effective. my mom asked me when i get rejections if it makes me more determined or just want to give up. i told her it makes me more determined. which i guess is true, i just wish i was making the right choices, i wish there was some way to know, but sigh there isnt. i know getting successful in hollywood is hard and competive and all that shit, but i think i can get through it, i think i can handle it. but what if i dont get anywhere and i just end up being a hobo or something, i mean it could have its perks right hehe? but i dont want that. i dont know if i even know what i want anymore. im not going to give up tho. one of the kids at auditons said that govenors school doesnt like taking senors bc they want 2 years to work w/ u and they dont take freshmen bc they r well freshmen and gee those were the two times i auditoned. i dont why i didnt for sophmore and junior but i didnt, uuugh. but anyways, maybe thats why i didnt get in, maybe it didnt have anything to do w/ the fact that i am a sucky actress. so now, i dont know i guess i am just going to give up high school theatre, not worth the drama(excuse the pun hehe). there r plenty of other things i can do. really. so after the god for saken grease production pa can say by to my participation, heh what a loss right? or not. oh and then that reminds me; at grease yesterday people were talking about me, literally behind my back. it pissed me off so much, but i acted like i didnt hear. we were all doing the we go together sequence and i didnt have the dance down all the way bc it had like just been taught to me. well anyways the magicals who were behind me were making fun of my dancing and i could hear them going like what the fuck is she doing and shannon who was doinf the most of it was like im messing up just looking at her and then she was like yeah omg u should hear how she sings too. and at first i thought maybe they rnt talking about me, bc i thought u know shannon was actually a nice person aside from the fact that she is a huge slut. but then when we were given our 10 min break i was walking off to get my stuff w/ danielle shirly and she was like im gonna find paul wanna come? and since i had nothing better to do bc im not friends w/ anyone in that show nor am i too found of becoming friends w/ most i went w/. so then we r outside where oh shannon is as well. danielle runs off to go makeout w. paul or whatever and im left to go hang around w/ shannon and other people and then someone said something and sahnnon was like i dunno but she needs to go away and the other person was like who and shannon walked away thinkning i wasnt in earshot or maybe she didnt care if i heard but she said that red headed girl. so yeah she was deff talking about me being the crappy dancer/singer. its funny tho bc then after hearing that i was like oh well i dont need to be around this and i walk in and krista, such a sweetie, is like hey laura so i stop and say hi and she says how i looked so cute up there(she had to sit and watch us all bc she isnt in that song) and i was like really? u couldnt tell how bad i was messing up and stuff? and she was like no it was really cute and her friend agreed, so i dunno. that just made me so mad, i mean what have i done to her? nothing at all, except smile at her when i see her at reharsal since i always have to sit around her on stage. god, and she is the one who had to teach us the dance for that part, she should be saying what a fucking bad teacher she is instead of talking about me. pissed me off so much. i still am pissed off, i dont know if i still want to be in grease. and no im not going to be like a baby and just leave bc of that but i thought as being a member of the cast i was going to get to at least be in every song, and im barely in anything, it pissed me off. and i dont think i want to dedicate my time to it anymore. but i guess ill go through w. it. im just so pissed. and that was a nice mood for me to be put in for my mom to pick me up and tell me i got the governors school letter.
i suck as a person.
goodbye.
i suck as a person.
goodbye.