missing out again
so its praticly official...im not going to camp friendship. i thought this wouldnt happen i really did, i dunno why i was so stupid about it, i should have realized a while ago it was silly to have such hopes, but i denied to myself that my parents wouldnt let me go. and well now they aren't. its just a matter of them calling them and telling them how something unexpected came up, i guess they will say it was unexpected that my aunt was going to the war, which it was, i had applied way b4 we knew how much our lives were going to change, but its so late notice. im scared. im really not all that upset about not going. ive gotten over the sadness, from all the reasons my parents constently kept giving me for not going. im just now upset that they may not hire me for next year. i dont think i could handle that. i mean there r other camps i guess, but camp friendship has become mine. maybe i can still change my parents minds... sigh. the summer will be fun anyways...i hope. just as long as i dont get excluded. which seems to happen often, i dont think its on purpose or anything, but all the same it hurts. i guess i just need to be a louder person and such, which i am believe it or not, i just don't show that side of me very often, why im not too sure. scared of people judgeing me i guess, which is stupid i shouldnt care what others think but i do, uuugh. and people judge me anyways. ive beeen having this weird paranoia recently were everyone ever is saying/thinking something not all that nice about me and i get so paranoid when people r saying things to each other in private. i just try to act as naive as i can, bc i dont want to know if it really is true. and the thing is im not really naive, i just try to be so as to save me alot of pain, but it does no good, except gives me wonders and doubts. and yes i know i am making no sense, don't even bother to try and figure out what im saying bc i barely know what i am saying. im so tired of caring about if people care about me. i mean i guess people care about me, but not enough to call. this isnt true for everyone, but i dunno i just feel like im losing touch with a lot of people. so, i guess thats what ill do this summer focus on my not too current friendships and visit colleges and ugh summer assignments.