(no subject)
I need to learn how to be less of an ungrateful bitch. I don't know what it is about living in close proximity with family units, but it makes me absolutely crazy. How much longer can I live with this? I feel like I've gotten to the point of just tolerating it, which pisses me off because that's how Brian used to act around my family. Still nice, charming, but only on the surface because he was just tolerating it. I don't want to be like that - but I feel myself acting that way.
I can never ever ever repay Josh's parents for what they have done for us, but at the same time, their behavior and attitudes are just such a far cry from what I'm used to that I feel like a fish out of water. I'm not used to being interacted with so much. I'm not used to being so indebted to other people - my irrational fear being that they will somehow use this as leverage over me (thanks Mom.. sheesh). The more you owe somebody, monetarily or figuratively, the more power they have over you. Ugh, but why do I see it that way? Can't I just be thankful and leave it be? I don't understand myself. I'm literally so afraid of someone being able to tell me what to do, especially genuinely nice people because they will just be hurt if you don't go along with their requests or suggestions. Then I will feel bound to protect their feelings and do what they want.
Jeez, I don't know. Clearly I need to psychologically evaluate myself or something, because I just feel awful all the time about how I am. I guess being around nice people only shows me that underneath it all, I'm just a suspicious mercenary now (thanks Brian... sheesh).
Trying to figure myself out,
V
I can never ever ever repay Josh's parents for what they have done for us, but at the same time, their behavior and attitudes are just such a far cry from what I'm used to that I feel like a fish out of water. I'm not used to being interacted with so much. I'm not used to being so indebted to other people - my irrational fear being that they will somehow use this as leverage over me (thanks Mom.. sheesh). The more you owe somebody, monetarily or figuratively, the more power they have over you. Ugh, but why do I see it that way? Can't I just be thankful and leave it be? I don't understand myself. I'm literally so afraid of someone being able to tell me what to do, especially genuinely nice people because they will just be hurt if you don't go along with their requests or suggestions. Then I will feel bound to protect their feelings and do what they want.
Jeez, I don't know. Clearly I need to psychologically evaluate myself or something, because I just feel awful all the time about how I am. I guess being around nice people only shows me that underneath it all, I'm just a suspicious mercenary now (thanks Brian... sheesh).
Trying to figure myself out,
V