This is for the betrayed
It is said that the question that matters most in life is whether or not to commit suicide.
The power of your own life is always in your hands, any time, all the time. Such a scary thing to think - that shockingly, people decide to live or die every time they wake. Most choose life, of course.
I'm sorry. My thoughts this evening are so full of venom and sadness - not that I'm contemplating suicide, mind you, just that it's bitter for me to accept that either there is no god or he is an apathetic one. I decided many months ago, with absolute certainty, that I am agnostic. I'm not going to say that I believe there is no such thing as a deity, but at least I am positive that the Christian god does not exist. I used to make excuses for him too, like, "Oh, it's just a test of faith," when shit things happened. But the straws have broken the camel's back, and at such a young age, too. I'd rather keep it intensely personal, what it was that I saw and understood that finally changed me. I will only say that I will never be Christian again.
I do his job for him. I protect, I love, I care so hard, I care so so hard for everyone that I can, even though in my heart I know a great tradgedy lies in wait for me. I don't know when it will strike, a year, three years, I don't know. I do know that it will.
So here I am. Writing because discussing feelings candidly makes me uncomfortable. Writing through the tears, the nausea, the burning sensation. I don't want your fucking diamonds, houses, cars... I want peace of mind for the ones that suffer even deeper than the physical. I want to give peace. I want to do god's job for him because he really fucking sucks at it.
And I'm trying. I'm trying really hard. Even when it's futile, I'm trying. It's what I live to do. It breaks my heart to watch them suffer, but if no one's helping, then I am.
I am.
The power of your own life is always in your hands, any time, all the time. Such a scary thing to think - that shockingly, people decide to live or die every time they wake. Most choose life, of course.
I'm sorry. My thoughts this evening are so full of venom and sadness - not that I'm contemplating suicide, mind you, just that it's bitter for me to accept that either there is no god or he is an apathetic one. I decided many months ago, with absolute certainty, that I am agnostic. I'm not going to say that I believe there is no such thing as a deity, but at least I am positive that the Christian god does not exist. I used to make excuses for him too, like, "Oh, it's just a test of faith," when shit things happened. But the straws have broken the camel's back, and at such a young age, too. I'd rather keep it intensely personal, what it was that I saw and understood that finally changed me. I will only say that I will never be Christian again.
I do his job for him. I protect, I love, I care so hard, I care so so hard for everyone that I can, even though in my heart I know a great tradgedy lies in wait for me. I don't know when it will strike, a year, three years, I don't know. I do know that it will.
So here I am. Writing because discussing feelings candidly makes me uncomfortable. Writing through the tears, the nausea, the burning sensation. I don't want your fucking diamonds, houses, cars... I want peace of mind for the ones that suffer even deeper than the physical. I want to give peace. I want to do god's job for him because he really fucking sucks at it.
And I'm trying. I'm trying really hard. Even when it's futile, I'm trying. It's what I live to do. It breaks my heart to watch them suffer, but if no one's helping, then I am.
I am.