Snarl.
Day Two of my irritated, nasty mood prevails.
I've been feeling the first tuggings of antisociality kick in these past couple of days. At least I think it's antisociality; not sure what else to blame for my bum mood other than bad sleep. For some reason I just want to be annoyed at everything and every person, with very few exceptions. I've been wanting to lash out frequently in the past few days, something very rare for me, and I just feel bad for whoever loses the russian roulette of 'Vanessa's volatile bottled feelings.' I don't know what it is... maybe being around people 24/7 does it. It wears me down eventually, makes me highly irritable, makes me feel like I have no privacy, which apparantly I thrive on more than I first realized. Annoyingly enough, I wanted things to be this way to avoid the isolation that consumed me the year before last, but apparantly complete immersion into other people isn't what the doctor ordered. I wouldn't know for sure, it's been at least two or more months since I've seen the therapist. I think I need to make another visit.
I don't enjoy being impatient and pissy. I make a HUGE effort to suppress both things, so outwardly no one else but Brian seems to realize that I'm a walking time bomb. I'm still smiling away, only I really would like to punch the wall until there are little fist-sized holes all over it. UGH. Seriously. I'm so tired right now, but all I want to do is have a good fight or a good argument. Something nice and furious. A vicious screaming match. How I miss martial arts... that was a fantastic way to dispell the aggression associated with these bad moods. Punch through a board, Master Alexander? Why thank you, I will. Beat the hell out of a practice dummy, Master Alexander? You bet.
You know what I need? To go to a good show. No therapy can ever compare to the peace I find in a rough, shoving crowd, screaming along to lyrics until I violently tear my own voice from my vocal cords by sun up. I just need to do something before I reach the point when my 'Everything's cool!' facade collapses like a retarded sandcastle that a beach mutt just pissed on.
Tonight I could have done plenty of socializing, but I declined. Why. Too busy turning inwards to want to open up, maybe, though instead of shyness, I find this disconcerting annoyance at those who try to know me. But I don't want you to think you know me, I protest, even though in my heart I'd rather be a butterfly. Stop trying to act like you know me, you don't know a damn thing. Quit getting close to me! With such an internal conflict, maybe all that irritation is self-directed because I can't make up my mind. Pushpullpushpull. I don't know. All I want is to wake up in a pleasant mood tomorrow. Can I have that, please?
Live to love,
Vanessa
I've been feeling the first tuggings of antisociality kick in these past couple of days. At least I think it's antisociality; not sure what else to blame for my bum mood other than bad sleep. For some reason I just want to be annoyed at everything and every person, with very few exceptions. I've been wanting to lash out frequently in the past few days, something very rare for me, and I just feel bad for whoever loses the russian roulette of 'Vanessa's volatile bottled feelings.' I don't know what it is... maybe being around people 24/7 does it. It wears me down eventually, makes me highly irritable, makes me feel like I have no privacy, which apparantly I thrive on more than I first realized. Annoyingly enough, I wanted things to be this way to avoid the isolation that consumed me the year before last, but apparantly complete immersion into other people isn't what the doctor ordered. I wouldn't know for sure, it's been at least two or more months since I've seen the therapist. I think I need to make another visit.
I don't enjoy being impatient and pissy. I make a HUGE effort to suppress both things, so outwardly no one else but Brian seems to realize that I'm a walking time bomb. I'm still smiling away, only I really would like to punch the wall until there are little fist-sized holes all over it. UGH. Seriously. I'm so tired right now, but all I want to do is have a good fight or a good argument. Something nice and furious. A vicious screaming match. How I miss martial arts... that was a fantastic way to dispell the aggression associated with these bad moods. Punch through a board, Master Alexander? Why thank you, I will. Beat the hell out of a practice dummy, Master Alexander? You bet.
You know what I need? To go to a good show. No therapy can ever compare to the peace I find in a rough, shoving crowd, screaming along to lyrics until I violently tear my own voice from my vocal cords by sun up. I just need to do something before I reach the point when my 'Everything's cool!' facade collapses like a retarded sandcastle that a beach mutt just pissed on.
Tonight I could have done plenty of socializing, but I declined. Why. Too busy turning inwards to want to open up, maybe, though instead of shyness, I find this disconcerting annoyance at those who try to know me. But I don't want you to think you know me, I protest, even though in my heart I'd rather be a butterfly. Stop trying to act like you know me, you don't know a damn thing. Quit getting close to me! With such an internal conflict, maybe all that irritation is self-directed because I can't make up my mind. Pushpullpushpull. I don't know. All I want is to wake up in a pleasant mood tomorrow. Can I have that, please?
Live to love,
Vanessa