Mother, Tell Your Children Not To Walk My Way
Ahhh, so what to say...
First things first, duh, of course my roommate turned out awesome. Whenever I get all worry-wart like, things usually end up for the better. I'm having fun so far, because now I finally have someone to just chill out with. Maryland gets just a little bit less boring now!
But that's not the big weekly issue. I found out my mother has begun to google my name and started reading my myspace blogs. Very uncomfortable. There's nothing on my blogs that I would keep a secret or apologize for to her (I am who I am), but it's just that I tend to keep family life extremely seperated from social life because I am different people in each. My mother doesn't like to think of me as someone who *gasp* curses or drinks occasionally, nor does she like to think that I don't give a shit what other people think. Her biggest fear is the judgement of other people, which I CANNOT STAND. Most of my life was ruled by shyness and fear because I thought people's opinions of me really mattered that much thanks to her, and in recent years I finally figured out that there's nothing wrong with not everybody liking you. I don't really care if someone doesn't like me; that's their perogative. I'm the best person I can be, and I'm happy with that. She's not, which is why we butt heads over my blogs.
Plus, who the fuck wants their parents reading the blather you share between friends? You KNOW they're not going to understand. It just annoys me so SO SO much because I know she's going to start regularly googling my blogs, which will force me to put my profile on private, which is something I really don't want to do. You know, it's funny because I care so much that my own mother is reading my blogs, but perfect strangers doesn't bother me? I wish it were the other way around; unfortunately my mother's priorities never worked that way, so now our relationship is so freaking weird and detatched. Believe me, I would love to have a bond with my own mother and I would love to tell her everything in my life. It's just that according to her, I don't live my life correctly in any aspect and I don't listen to her enough. Hello? Momma, growing up, it was all about listening to YOU and not to ME. Hence, I am alienated and enjoy speaking to people I don't even know well more than you. UGUGUGUGHG. I hate that it worked out like this too, because I really don't want to be that typical little punk that says, "I don't care about what my parents think." I want to care. But they don't want to respect me for who I am and even worse, they do not want to hear what I have to say.
Nothing hurts me more than someone who refuses to listen, because I have so much to say and I have dedicated my life to listening to those who have something to say but no one to say it to. I'm tired of one-sided conversations that go nowhere because all I end up doing is sitting there saying, "Uh huh. Okay. Yeah. Sure." simply because I'm sick of trying to get a word in edgewise and just start agreeing with everything they say. That's not even a conversation! Believe me, we have tried to talk this through but it's like talking to a damn brick wall. Unless I become who and what they want me to become, I will not be respected, they have made that clear. And that's fine. Whatever. I'm just done. There's a reason I no longer live under their roof.
And I've just now realized I've written a rant without even meaning to. Dammit. Things in my life are going so well right now and all I could focus on was their stupid little event that totally dragged me down. Next entry will be something much better than a snarl about my parents... yet again. I need to start going to therapy again, so I can unload on him instead of everyone else, hah. Trust me though, life is going good right now! Swear it! Hope everyone finds themselves well.
Live to love,
Vanessa
First things first, duh, of course my roommate turned out awesome. Whenever I get all worry-wart like, things usually end up for the better. I'm having fun so far, because now I finally have someone to just chill out with. Maryland gets just a little bit less boring now!
But that's not the big weekly issue. I found out my mother has begun to google my name and started reading my myspace blogs. Very uncomfortable. There's nothing on my blogs that I would keep a secret or apologize for to her (I am who I am), but it's just that I tend to keep family life extremely seperated from social life because I am different people in each. My mother doesn't like to think of me as someone who *gasp* curses or drinks occasionally, nor does she like to think that I don't give a shit what other people think. Her biggest fear is the judgement of other people, which I CANNOT STAND. Most of my life was ruled by shyness and fear because I thought people's opinions of me really mattered that much thanks to her, and in recent years I finally figured out that there's nothing wrong with not everybody liking you. I don't really care if someone doesn't like me; that's their perogative. I'm the best person I can be, and I'm happy with that. She's not, which is why we butt heads over my blogs.
Plus, who the fuck wants their parents reading the blather you share between friends? You KNOW they're not going to understand. It just annoys me so SO SO much because I know she's going to start regularly googling my blogs, which will force me to put my profile on private, which is something I really don't want to do. You know, it's funny because I care so much that my own mother is reading my blogs, but perfect strangers doesn't bother me? I wish it were the other way around; unfortunately my mother's priorities never worked that way, so now our relationship is so freaking weird and detatched. Believe me, I would love to have a bond with my own mother and I would love to tell her everything in my life. It's just that according to her, I don't live my life correctly in any aspect and I don't listen to her enough. Hello? Momma, growing up, it was all about listening to YOU and not to ME. Hence, I am alienated and enjoy speaking to people I don't even know well more than you. UGUGUGUGHG. I hate that it worked out like this too, because I really don't want to be that typical little punk that says, "I don't care about what my parents think." I want to care. But they don't want to respect me for who I am and even worse, they do not want to hear what I have to say.
Nothing hurts me more than someone who refuses to listen, because I have so much to say and I have dedicated my life to listening to those who have something to say but no one to say it to. I'm tired of one-sided conversations that go nowhere because all I end up doing is sitting there saying, "Uh huh. Okay. Yeah. Sure." simply because I'm sick of trying to get a word in edgewise and just start agreeing with everything they say. That's not even a conversation! Believe me, we have tried to talk this through but it's like talking to a damn brick wall. Unless I become who and what they want me to become, I will not be respected, they have made that clear. And that's fine. Whatever. I'm just done. There's a reason I no longer live under their roof.
And I've just now realized I've written a rant without even meaning to. Dammit. Things in my life are going so well right now and all I could focus on was their stupid little event that totally dragged me down. Next entry will be something much better than a snarl about my parents... yet again. I need to start going to therapy again, so I can unload on him instead of everyone else, hah. Trust me though, life is going good right now! Swear it! Hope everyone finds themselves well.
Live to love,
Vanessa