And so begins the crisis...
It's 9:30am and I've already missed two classes.
I'm fucking up community college. COMMUNITY COLLEGE. That's like burning top ramen after you decided you couldn't make fetuccini alfredo. It's stupid, but I'm having a crisis. I just realized that I'm not living my life the way I want to; I'm living my life exactly the way my parents want me to live it. I didn't even stop to think whether it was good for me or not, I just figured momma knew best. So I did what she said. I wrapped up high school. I went to college where she wanted me to. I plan to transfer to a university, graduate, then work. Only halfway between here and there, I realized something was different. I'm not Teresita or Michael Nichelson. I'm Vanessa Blackwood, and I don't want to do this right now. You know how some people say college is "not for them"? I used to think people who said that were idiots Yes, idiots. I thought that meant they couldn't hack it in life, weren't smart enough for college, were lazy, were doomed to shithole 9-5's for the rest of their lives, etc etc. But you know what? I'm beginning to see a lot of sense in people who decided to break free from "high school-college-career-marry-kids-work til death." I know quite a few people who either did not go to college or are simply on college hiatus right now, and next to none of them are idiots.
Maybe college IS right for me. Just not right now. I like meandering through life at my own pace. Hell, I'm having fun just finding out what my own pace is; I've never lived at it before. I've strived SO HARD for a standard that my parents made up. It's not real. Perfection is not real. I'll die trying to live up to the standards of two extremely traditional people who have always insisted that they don't like anything that is "weird, different, or abnormal." What IS weird, different, or abnormal? They have their definition, but everyone in the entire world has a different perspective on that. I'll live up to MY definition of normal... of happy.
And of course, I'm not knocking my parents. I'm not trying to be the jaded rebel or saying fuck society or anything. Our opinions simply differ. And while it will probably take them a long LONG time to respect or be proud of me for my own decisions, I can say I'm proud of them. Brian is proud of them. My friends are cool with them. My sister will understand (hopefully). What more do I need? After all, I'm not the one who feels that she should fear answering to her gossipy friends when they say, "Oh and what does yooooour daughter do?" I'm only 20. I'm married already. I flounder around in community college. I don't have a job. I know she's ashamed and I know she makes things up in answer. A girl can literally die inside each day she doesn't have her momma's approval, but I will have to understand that it will be a long time before I get that.
Right now I can only keep living. Living as I choose and what makes ME happy. Yes, I know it's stupid but... I'm just now figuring all this out. Just now.
Live to love,
Vanessa
I'm fucking up community college. COMMUNITY COLLEGE. That's like burning top ramen after you decided you couldn't make fetuccini alfredo. It's stupid, but I'm having a crisis. I just realized that I'm not living my life the way I want to; I'm living my life exactly the way my parents want me to live it. I didn't even stop to think whether it was good for me or not, I just figured momma knew best. So I did what she said. I wrapped up high school. I went to college where she wanted me to. I plan to transfer to a university, graduate, then work. Only halfway between here and there, I realized something was different. I'm not Teresita or Michael Nichelson. I'm Vanessa Blackwood, and I don't want to do this right now. You know how some people say college is "not for them"? I used to think people who said that were idiots Yes, idiots. I thought that meant they couldn't hack it in life, weren't smart enough for college, were lazy, were doomed to shithole 9-5's for the rest of their lives, etc etc. But you know what? I'm beginning to see a lot of sense in people who decided to break free from "high school-college-career-marry-kids-work til death." I know quite a few people who either did not go to college or are simply on college hiatus right now, and next to none of them are idiots.
Maybe college IS right for me. Just not right now. I like meandering through life at my own pace. Hell, I'm having fun just finding out what my own pace is; I've never lived at it before. I've strived SO HARD for a standard that my parents made up. It's not real. Perfection is not real. I'll die trying to live up to the standards of two extremely traditional people who have always insisted that they don't like anything that is "weird, different, or abnormal." What IS weird, different, or abnormal? They have their definition, but everyone in the entire world has a different perspective on that. I'll live up to MY definition of normal... of happy.
And of course, I'm not knocking my parents. I'm not trying to be the jaded rebel or saying fuck society or anything. Our opinions simply differ. And while it will probably take them a long LONG time to respect or be proud of me for my own decisions, I can say I'm proud of them. Brian is proud of them. My friends are cool with them. My sister will understand (hopefully). What more do I need? After all, I'm not the one who feels that she should fear answering to her gossipy friends when they say, "Oh and what does yooooour daughter do?" I'm only 20. I'm married already. I flounder around in community college. I don't have a job. I know she's ashamed and I know she makes things up in answer. A girl can literally die inside each day she doesn't have her momma's approval, but I will have to understand that it will be a long time before I get that.
Right now I can only keep living. Living as I choose and what makes ME happy. Yes, I know it's stupid but... I'm just now figuring all this out. Just now.
Live to love,
Vanessa