it's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving...
so all week ive been redecorating the mid-high room cause before it SUCKED, and there was still construction stuff left in there on the counter from when they re-did the whole thing with paint and junk. so i put all that away and put up all the nice artwork theyve done i the past and put up inspirational posters. there was a lot of cutting and pasting and taping. it wasnt that fun, but it needed to be done and no one else has "any time" to do it, so i did. (not that i have time...)
im not sure if its because i might be starting my period or what, but i am freakin out. this past week i REALLY wanted either derek, john or emily to come help with the redecorating. mainly because it was a lot of climbing on a chair, taping something, climbing down, getting something, climbing up, taping, etc. if there had been just one more person there to help me, it would have gone by SO much faster and i wouldnt have spent approx. 7 hours in that room. well, no one came and helped. john did come last night, but helping minimally, and he also came for an hour this morning and did nothing. i guess thats better than actually not coming at all. i guess the reason im so resentful about it was because i had to literally BUG THE SHIT out of him and TWIST his arm to actually get him there. emily... a lost cause. and derek doesnt give a shit about the stuff i do at church.
i was upset because i actually do a lot for my siblings. and i know i say it a lot, but its because i DO. mainly speaking the things that make my personal wallet smaller and my planner fuller. i pay for SO much of their food and random stuff they need its insane. thats why i dont pay insurance anymore, because i literally spend at least $100 on john and emily per month. which made sense when i was a senior in h.s. but they are now ADULTS. and i dont understand why nothing has changed.
heres an example that literally made me cry.
tonight i came home from work because we were slow and there were a lot of people that wanted to pick up shifts so i was like eh whatever, and let alix pick up for me. but here goes:
john, lizzy and i went to cici's for dinner cause ive been craving pizza for like 10 years. john has no money.. so who pays? me. whatev. so then we were supposed to go to my cousins party, he was going to DD. so when we got home he asked if i really wanted to go and i knew he was tired so i was like eh no not really. and lizzy was planning on going to a haunted house so she invited us to come to that. being as monday is halloween, i was like yessssss sweet last opportunity to actually go to a haunted house with fun people. so we were planning on going to that. then john gets SUPER fuckin moody and i dont understand why and hes picking fights with me about the ONE thing he knows i was fucking right about, comparing it to the situation i was talking to my mom about. (whatever, irrelevant) so then i go upstairs to put clothes away, read, not be downstairs, etc. and lizzy come upstairs to get her coat and im like where are you guys going? and shes like i dont know, john just said "come on, lets go." and shes like "well be right back..." and im like "uh.. okay.. whatever.." so about 15 minutes passes and i go downstairs to get my phone and they were home. so im like "ok, ill go back upstairs and wait for them to leave" so do-do-do im waiting and they LEAVE without me.
...okay.. family?
HOW ARE YOU GOING TO FUCKING LEAVE WITHOUT ME WHEN I JUST BOUGHT YOU FUCKING DINNER?
so i ask my dad "did john and lizzy just go to the haunted house?" "yes." "did john ask you for money?" "yes" then my mom is like "did you want to go with them?" "no..." then...
i went in the summerhouse and cried, hard. probably cause im supposed to start my period. (i hope) but mostly because i miss my friends and people who understand me and care about my feelings, not just what theyre feeling. i just wish that ashley was here and i wouldnt have to depend on people like john and emily to be my friends.
dereks at a "party" with people from work.
my "love language" is acts of service. (there are 5, gift of time, words of affirmation, physical touch, material gifts and mine, acts of service). i didnt even realize when my dad told me that. but its SO true. doing something for me (like coming up to church to redecorate a junior high class room) is what i appreciate. i do not appreciate gifts, phone calls, or sex. i just dont. the way i feel love is when people do things for me. which also goes for the negative aspect. when people DONT do things that i want them to do, i feel unloved. i dont give a shit if you dont get me something for my birthday, eh whatever. i dont care if you notice i got new highlights. dont care. i do however, HATE when you leave without me or dont consider my feelings when you do something.
tonight was the first time ive ever felt like this...
im not sure if its because i might be starting my period or what, but i am freakin out. this past week i REALLY wanted either derek, john or emily to come help with the redecorating. mainly because it was a lot of climbing on a chair, taping something, climbing down, getting something, climbing up, taping, etc. if there had been just one more person there to help me, it would have gone by SO much faster and i wouldnt have spent approx. 7 hours in that room. well, no one came and helped. john did come last night, but helping minimally, and he also came for an hour this morning and did nothing. i guess thats better than actually not coming at all. i guess the reason im so resentful about it was because i had to literally BUG THE SHIT out of him and TWIST his arm to actually get him there. emily... a lost cause. and derek doesnt give a shit about the stuff i do at church.
i was upset because i actually do a lot for my siblings. and i know i say it a lot, but its because i DO. mainly speaking the things that make my personal wallet smaller and my planner fuller. i pay for SO much of their food and random stuff they need its insane. thats why i dont pay insurance anymore, because i literally spend at least $100 on john and emily per month. which made sense when i was a senior in h.s. but they are now ADULTS. and i dont understand why nothing has changed.
heres an example that literally made me cry.
tonight i came home from work because we were slow and there were a lot of people that wanted to pick up shifts so i was like eh whatever, and let alix pick up for me. but here goes:
john, lizzy and i went to cici's for dinner cause ive been craving pizza for like 10 years. john has no money.. so who pays? me. whatev. so then we were supposed to go to my cousins party, he was going to DD. so when we got home he asked if i really wanted to go and i knew he was tired so i was like eh no not really. and lizzy was planning on going to a haunted house so she invited us to come to that. being as monday is halloween, i was like yessssss sweet last opportunity to actually go to a haunted house with fun people. so we were planning on going to that. then john gets SUPER fuckin moody and i dont understand why and hes picking fights with me about the ONE thing he knows i was fucking right about, comparing it to the situation i was talking to my mom about. (whatever, irrelevant) so then i go upstairs to put clothes away, read, not be downstairs, etc. and lizzy come upstairs to get her coat and im like where are you guys going? and shes like i dont know, john just said "come on, lets go." and shes like "well be right back..." and im like "uh.. okay.. whatever.." so about 15 minutes passes and i go downstairs to get my phone and they were home. so im like "ok, ill go back upstairs and wait for them to leave" so do-do-do im waiting and they LEAVE without me.
...okay.. family?
HOW ARE YOU GOING TO FUCKING LEAVE WITHOUT ME WHEN I JUST BOUGHT YOU FUCKING DINNER?
so i ask my dad "did john and lizzy just go to the haunted house?" "yes." "did john ask you for money?" "yes" then my mom is like "did you want to go with them?" "no..." then...
i went in the summerhouse and cried, hard. probably cause im supposed to start my period. (i hope) but mostly because i miss my friends and people who understand me and care about my feelings, not just what theyre feeling. i just wish that ashley was here and i wouldnt have to depend on people like john and emily to be my friends.
dereks at a "party" with people from work.
my "love language" is acts of service. (there are 5, gift of time, words of affirmation, physical touch, material gifts and mine, acts of service). i didnt even realize when my dad told me that. but its SO true. doing something for me (like coming up to church to redecorate a junior high class room) is what i appreciate. i do not appreciate gifts, phone calls, or sex. i just dont. the way i feel love is when people do things for me. which also goes for the negative aspect. when people DONT do things that i want them to do, i feel unloved. i dont give a shit if you dont get me something for my birthday, eh whatever. i dont care if you notice i got new highlights. dont care. i do however, HATE when you leave without me or dont consider my feelings when you do something.
tonight was the first time ive ever felt like this...