An Afternoon Moment of Honesty
This is a continuation of A Midnight Moment of Honesty, different title because it's a different time of the day....
I had to go to school today for my Art Appreciation class. We had a quiz and had to watch a boring video on how art is used in politics. Because I wasn't exactly into the video, it gave me the opportunity to dwell in thoughts as usual.
My first thoughts summed up my schedule for today:
Wakeup: 6:30A.M.
Breakfast: Lucky Charms, Starbucks Double Shot (x2) and adrenaline from driving like a lunatic while blasting music.
School: 9:00AM-11:20AM
Take care of financial aid stuff....
Pay a visit to my insurance company to take care of more stuff....
Go to my other job....
Go to the admin. office to take care of stuff....
Go home, do laundry....
Write this....and eat Lucky Charms while at it...
Go to work.....
Come home around 11:30PM and sleep (hopefully)....
So that's my to do list for today, I'm already half-way done, just have to go to work for eight fucking hours....
While I was driving today to the admin. office there was a news crew there with a camera and all, I don't know if they caught me on video pulling into the parking lot blasting Trashlight Vision's - My Fuck You To You, but I sure as hell hope they didn't catch me gunning it out of the parking lot blasting music....'cause i peeled out like a bat outta hell. We don't need any evidence of my reckless driving now do we? Especially since I have to go to court soon over my recklessness.....It's not like I can help it. The adrenaline makes me feel alive and knowing that I might crash and hopefully die makes it all that much more exciting. I love living with danger.
Anyway, moving on....
I was thinking about my previous livejournal....I wish I wouldn't have deleted it because it was more of a diary than this one. It held all of my secrets that I refuse to put in this one, since if I ever do mention anything in here, especially in the past, it's always vague and in cryptic sentences that don't always make senese, not even to me if I abandon the thought for too long. And I really want to look back at what I have written in my previous journal.....oh well, shit happens.
Other than that, I came up with this sort of analogy....with the help of The Heroin Diaries....
I've been heading down a dead end street, going over 100mph, blindfolded, with no brakes, driven by vengance and embracing death....
Now I am headed down a dead end street, still going over 100mph, with no brakes, driven by vengance and embracing death....at least no longer blindfolded.....though that's not helping much now anyway, since I still have no brakes and I'll see myself crash.....
So, what do I do? Hope that I'll run out of anger and hatred and the need for revenge that fuels this death ride before I crash? Jump out and get hurt like hell? Or should I just crash and hope to live?