(no subject)
for anyone who has ever known me in anyway, knows that i'm a little out there. i feel things a little more raw. i have a good heart, but i've been a big disappointment. mainly because people always knew that i could do better. that i could have great, and that i could be great. but i always settled for the temorary easy happiness, rather than work for the long term, maybe even permanent happiness.
but since i moved to bamberg, i have turned myself around. yea, i still meddle in mind altering substances, but not near as much as i used to. i'm sober more often then not. i work my ass for the money i have. i have more confidence than ever. i feel good about who i am. i've always wanted a family. i've always wanted a kid or at the absolute most two. i've always wanted a man to love me. support me for my beliefs and in what i love to do, whether it be writing, photography, painting. but most of all, love me. but not just love me. like, really love me. ME! and not want change. love me for who i am. love me for how i think, and what my past was. and love me for what i've made myself. and what i've learned. who i've become. but.... i pretty much gave up on that. i've never had a genuinely healthy relationship. whether we loved each other or not. and there were always reasons for that. so honestly i really just gave up on that whole simple life concept. i just did what i could to be remembered. because that became a fear of mine. not being remembered. i felt that i went through too much. or seen too much, or felt too much. i mean, fuck, out of all the bad you know about me, all the fuck ups or whatever, can you honestly say that i don't have a good heart? no you can't. because if i did, i would feel the way i did for so long. i wanted nothing more than to fall to my knees and apologize to everyone for everything. even if i hadn't done anything wrong to that specific person. i felt so bad for people to have to know me. because i felt like such a disappointment. waste of space... but when i finally got the strength to be sober and really truly in depth think about everything... i really so much. so much about myself. i really am a good person. despite all the bad decisions. all the fuck-ups. i kept a good heart. i always felt guilty, even if it was something not worth feeling guilty about. but another thing that made me know that i was good... i was always me. i was never anyone else. i was influenced, yes, but who wasn't, isn't, or hasn't? but i never apologized for being me. and i always loved and genuinely cared about the people around me. whether i liked them. loved them. or fuck, even the people i hated i still cared about.
i felt so much, all the time... i got so scared of my thoughts. i either had to be aroung people people people or fucked up or something that would distract me.
i have become something i never thought that i would be. i have become proud. i am proud of myself. i know i'm good. unconventional, but good. i earn what i have. and above all, i'm happy.
but to step a few, i said i gave up on the simple family, husband type of life.
that was until i met Nikolaos "Niko" Saliaris. everything i said that i wanted earlier in this entry, i got. but on top of all that... i got a best friend. i got a man, that makes me feel more like a woman than i ever have. i'm still a tomboy. t-shirt, jeans, chuck taylor's, burps farts, whatever. but i have never been more at home. more happy. more beautiful. more excited about each day. more excited about what will happen next. more excited about life all together, good bad, beautiful, and most of all the ugly, (mainly because the ugly is what teaches you the most) than i am right now.
i'm about to say, well, type something that none of you, more than likely, ever expected to hear/read come from me.
i'm getting married.
but since i moved to bamberg, i have turned myself around. yea, i still meddle in mind altering substances, but not near as much as i used to. i'm sober more often then not. i work my ass for the money i have. i have more confidence than ever. i feel good about who i am. i've always wanted a family. i've always wanted a kid or at the absolute most two. i've always wanted a man to love me. support me for my beliefs and in what i love to do, whether it be writing, photography, painting. but most of all, love me. but not just love me. like, really love me. ME! and not want change. love me for who i am. love me for how i think, and what my past was. and love me for what i've made myself. and what i've learned. who i've become. but.... i pretty much gave up on that. i've never had a genuinely healthy relationship. whether we loved each other or not. and there were always reasons for that. so honestly i really just gave up on that whole simple life concept. i just did what i could to be remembered. because that became a fear of mine. not being remembered. i felt that i went through too much. or seen too much, or felt too much. i mean, fuck, out of all the bad you know about me, all the fuck ups or whatever, can you honestly say that i don't have a good heart? no you can't. because if i did, i would feel the way i did for so long. i wanted nothing more than to fall to my knees and apologize to everyone for everything. even if i hadn't done anything wrong to that specific person. i felt so bad for people to have to know me. because i felt like such a disappointment. waste of space... but when i finally got the strength to be sober and really truly in depth think about everything... i really so much. so much about myself. i really am a good person. despite all the bad decisions. all the fuck-ups. i kept a good heart. i always felt guilty, even if it was something not worth feeling guilty about. but another thing that made me know that i was good... i was always me. i was never anyone else. i was influenced, yes, but who wasn't, isn't, or hasn't? but i never apologized for being me. and i always loved and genuinely cared about the people around me. whether i liked them. loved them. or fuck, even the people i hated i still cared about.
i felt so much, all the time... i got so scared of my thoughts. i either had to be aroung people people people or fucked up or something that would distract me.
i have become something i never thought that i would be. i have become proud. i am proud of myself. i know i'm good. unconventional, but good. i earn what i have. and above all, i'm happy.
but to step a few, i said i gave up on the simple family, husband type of life.
that was until i met Nikolaos "Niko" Saliaris. everything i said that i wanted earlier in this entry, i got. but on top of all that... i got a best friend. i got a man, that makes me feel more like a woman than i ever have. i'm still a tomboy. t-shirt, jeans, chuck taylor's, burps farts, whatever. but i have never been more at home. more happy. more beautiful. more excited about each day. more excited about what will happen next. more excited about life all together, good bad, beautiful, and most of all the ugly, (mainly because the ugly is what teaches you the most) than i am right now.
i'm about to say, well, type something that none of you, more than likely, ever expected to hear/read come from me.
i'm getting married.