Just been thinking.
Recently I've came in contact with an acquaintance I knew in high school. It was kind of surprising for me since I wasn't really expecting this person to add me on FB. I accepted his request and we began chatting meaninglessly. This came completely from left field as he went on to say that he 'wished he had gotten to know me better' and how he thought I was 'interesting'. What really stunned me was when he continued to describe to me the type of person I was in high school.
You seemed very sure of yourself
This has echoed in my head ever since this conversation with him. I've now started to daydream, trying to figure out if I really perceived myself in that manner to others. I was appreciative of the comment and it made my day when I read it. Gradually, ever since that day I've become more and more angered by it. I now find myself sitting around letting time pass me by wondering what has happened since then. Why am I not like that anymore? When did it stop? Trying to pick out the exact moments in my life where maybe that was when a little piece of me died or at least went dormant.
Of course, I wasn't expecting that I would be the exact same person at 15 when I'm 21 but really, there has been some drastic changes in my personality. In high school, I definitely was sure of myself since I had absolutely everything under my thumb. People respected me which fuelled my character greatly. I was able to walk around school with everyone knowing exactly who I was and what I did. I took advantage of what I had and utilized it to the best of my ability. Eventually, my house of cards began to fall and once it started it didn't stop. I think that's exactly the point in my life when things began to go sour and my transcendency began.
I turned bitter and began to resent every person, event and inanimate object possible that came into contact with me. I didn't care what people thought nor did I want their kind suggestions. I rejected the complete possibility that maybe how I was living was toxic for me. No, I wasn't on drugs or drinking but I was on the ultimate high anyone could have; it was an oversized ego. I had everyone telling me that I was awesome, amazing and that I always did right. If anyone told me otherwise I built a wall against them and ignored their help. Eventually, I fell and I fell hard. Final year came and I applied to my schools thinking before I even hit the Send key that I had it all in the bag. Suddenly, everyone who told me what I rejected months before that was beginning to come true. I didn't get into any of my schools because I wasn't as good as I thought I was. I couldn't walk into my classes for 10 mins and decide I was leaving because I had better things to do with my time. One teacher made things very real for me when I failed my first class ever..
You need to get your shit together! You can't walk on this easy road forever
I respected him.
He was real and got straight to it. I cried but it wasn't tears of pain, it was tears of happiness. I needed someone outside of my clique to tell me to straighten up. When this happened, life became real to me again. I stopped living in my wonderland and began to see things for what they really were. I'll admit, I like power but who doesn't? I enjoyed my reign but somewhere it all went wrong and went straight to my head. I kind of wished that it never happened like that but where would I have been now if no one really questioned me?
I want to be sure of myself again but I don't know how to achieve it. Things were a lot simplier in high school and now things have to be done a certain way. I'm not one to follow the bureaucratic red tape of society. I just want to find a way and do it now. I've written about this thinking that if I finally just let it all out that it will be easier to move on. But really, who am I kidding? It's already been 4 years already! why can't I just forget about it? I can't seem to accept the fact that it happened, some times were good and bad, oh well! But this time, I'm feeling better about it. So, hopefully I can move on and start rebuilding myself and becoming a less toxic version of my past self.