The Ballad of Kurt and Puck - A Love Story in Five Parts, PG-15
Title: The Ballad of Kurt and Puck - A Love Story in Five Parts
Author: glitterfey
Pairing: Puck/Kurt
Rating: PG-15, a few bad words and a hint of sex
Spoilers: N/A, although I'm ignoring the fact that Puck fathered Quinn's baby.
Word Count: ~7,500
Summary: Puck knows what he wants. If only he could act like it...
AN: Written for lezi for the gleeslash Gleekret Secret Santa Exchange. She requested Puck/Kurt, heavy romance. Here you go, dear!
I. Andante (at a walking pace)
"Hey, Fairy Hummel!"
Kurt sighed. As much as he appreciated Puck switching to a nickname less fag or queer based, he couldn’t give the man credit for fairy. At least, not much.
"Yes, Homewrecker Puckerman?"
Okay, not his best work, but hey, an insult was an insult. And then Puck slammed him up against his locker--closed, thankfully--and he wished he'd at least come up with a better insult if this was how he was going to die.
"Listen, fucker," Noah growled into his ear, which, hell, if he wasn't afraid for his life, that would be incredibly hot. Oh, wait, Puck was still talking.
"…ever fucking call me that again, I'll beat the living shit out of you. You understand me, little queer?"
Wonderful, back to that. Kurt understood that at this point, the conversation was over.
"Sure thing, Puck. Never again."
"Damn straight." And Puck slammed his fist against the lockers, just inches from Kurt's face, and was walking away.
Kurt was proud of himself that he didn’t flinch, but less proud of himself that he watched Puck's ass as he walked away. It sucked being in lust with a homophobic straight man.
*****
Puck kept the glare on his face as he walked away, shoving unsuspecting freshmen out of his way. Finally, he saw his destination, and he quickened his pace. He came here every day, seventh period independent study. He threw open the door and collapsed in one of the exceptionally clean chairs.
"Noah," Emma gasped, walking around her desk to stand next to the teen, "what's wrong?"
"He hates me," Noah replied, voice breaking. "And it's my own fault. I can't help it. I go up to talk to him, and I want to be nice to him, show him what I'm really like, and instead, all I do is insult him and act like I'm going to beat his face in."
"Why?"
"Why? How the hell am I supposed to know?"
Emma placed her hand on his shoulder. "Noah, we've talked about this. You don't have to be anything you don't want to be. You've said you want to be friends with Kurt, be more like him. How can that happen if you're always threatening him and calling him names?"
Puck leaned into her touch. He knew that he was the only person she touched this way--well, besides Mr. Shue--and it warmed him inside. He trusted her completely. She'd held his hand when he'd told her he thought he might be bisexual, and she didn’t yell or act disgusted. She'd told him how strong she thought he was, and how proud she was of him. When he'd pulled his hand away, she'd waited a good 45 seconds to get out her sanitizer, and that had meant almost as much to him as her words had.
"God, Mrs. Pill, I'm such an idiot. I don't know why you put up with me."
"Because I'm paid to, Noah," she replied with a wink, and moved to sit behind her desk. "In all seriousness, though, you need to really think about all this. Are you trying to compensate for something?"
"Gee, I don't know. How many queer football players do you know?"
"Two, Noah. And one of them is proud to be himself, but the other seems too scared. What are you afraid of?"
Noah shifted in his chair, unable to meet Emma's eyes. "I know exactly what this is, Mrs. Pill. I've read the books; you know that. I'm in the bargaining stage of grief. I know in my heart that I'm bisexual. I know that I'm attracted to men and want to have relationships with them. I know that's not wrong, and it doesn't make me weak. I know that it's natural and that nothing is wrong with me. I know all that. But at the same time, I'm a football player. I'm a Jew. I'm a stud."
"Noah…"
"Kidding, Mrs. Pill. But it's true. I've spent my teenage years being the stereotypical heterosexual male, and it's a good life. I look at what Kurt's going through, and I'm so proud of him for being who he is, but what happens to him every day for being who he is--I don't want that to happen to me. And I know I'm a big part of why he's tormented, but if I stop, if I become friends with him, if I come out, I'll lose my status, and I'm not stupid enough to think that there won't be someone just like me who'll treat me just like I treat Kurt. I hate what I'm doing, but I don't know if I'm ready to stop."
Emma sighed. "That's okay, Noah. You don't have to be perfect. You're a kid in high school. You've got plenty of time to figure all of this out."
"I don't want to talk about it anymore."
"That's fine, Noah. We'll talk about something else. How are your online psych classes coming?"
Noah was relieved. His online college psych classes, while another secret, were a much easier topic to discuss.
"They're going well, Mrs. Pill. You wanna talk about Freud?" he asked, wagging his eyebrows at her.
"You'll be the death of me, Noah Puckerman."
*****
"And then he growled at me. I swear, Cedes, it was the hottest thing that's ever happened to me."
Mercedes groaned, raising an eyebrow at Kurt. "Honey, if you've got a brain in your head, you'll get over this crush just like you got over your one on Finn. Puck's not hitting on you. He's being physically violent! How that turns you on I'll never understand."
"Mercedes, I know all that. But a boy can dream, right?" He fluttered his eyelashes at her and smiled.
"You're an idiot," she replied, but she couldn't help but smile back.
"All right, guys!" Mr. Schuester called, walking through the door into the music room. "I've got some awesome stuff for us today. I'd like you on lead, Rachel. And," he continued over the not so silent groans from the other members of Glee, "I'd like you, Puck, on the male lead. Wait, where's Puck?"
"Here, I’m here," Puck said, running through the doorway. "Sorry, Mr. Shue, independent study ran long." He sauntered over to Kurt, looking him directly in the eyes. "Shove over, pretty boy."
"Neanderthal," Kurt muttered, but he shifted over.
*****
Puck was distracted during Glee practice, not to mention a little pissed at Mr. Shue for making him sing with Rachel. She was all, "I need you to focus more, Noah," and that grated on him, mostly because only Mrs. Pill and his mother could get away with calling him Noah, and also because, well, it was Rachel, and she might have been a hot Jew, but she was by far the most annoying person on the planet. Hell, he'd rather perform a duet with Jack the Ripper than Rachel, but Jack wasn't in Glee. Shame.
And now things were winding down, and that meant it was time to put his plan--well, Mrs. Pill's plan--into action.
"Hey, Hummel."
"Yes?" Kurt responded, confusion clear in his eyes.
"Let me give you a ride home." Puck hoped Kurt would just agree and they could leave.
"Why would I do that, Puck? Being alone in a moving vehicle with you doesn't seem like such a bright idea."
Puck sighed, but Kurt wouldn't be Kurt if he wasn't a little difficult. And honestly, Puck could understand his hesitation. This was important, though, and even if Mrs. Pill was making him do this, he wanted to see it through.
"Look, I just want to talk to you. I promise I won't hurt you or kidnap you or do anything untoward."
"Untoward? Big word, Puck," Kurt replied snidely, but his expression softened. "I don't know if I trust you completely, but what the hell. Only live once, right? But make me one promise. If you're planning something that will get me dirty, can you at least tell me that so I can leave my sweater behind? It's Gucci, and I'd rather die than get it dirty."
"Your sweater will be just fine, princess. Now come on." Puck took off without looking to Kurt, fairly confident the other boy would follow.
"Okay, I'm coming," Kurt called, walking quickly to catch up with Puck. "But I texted Mercedes and Brittany to tell them where I am, so if I wind up dead, they'll know it was you."
They arrived at Puck's vehicle, where he opened the passenger door for Kurt. "Get in."
Kurt hung back, and Puck sighed. "Get in, Kurt."
Kurt got in the vehicle. He was silent until they were nearly halfway to his house.
"That's the first time you've called me Kurt."
"Yeah, I know," Puck replied.
The rest of the drive was quiet. As they pulled up to Kurt's house, Puck turned and looked at the boy.
"I want to tell you some things, Kurt. I want you to just listen to me and at least hear me out. Please?"
"That's the first time you've said please."
"There will be a lot of first times, Kurt, in this conversation."
"Fine." Kurt looked away from Puck, staring out the window at his house.
"Okay, look," Puck started, hoping things would be easier since Kurt wasn't looking at him, "I've been an ass to you. I know that. And I'm sorry."
Kurt's head shot up. "Sorry?"
"Yes, I'm sorry."
"Sorry for what, exactly? Throwing me in the dumpster on a daily basis? Acting like you're going to punch me? Starting rumors about me? Calling me names? What, exactly, Puck, are you sorry about?"
"All of it, okay? Damnit!" Puck hit his fists against the steering wheel. He hadn't expected the conversation to be easy, but he'd hoped. "Listen, you little shit. I don't have to apologize. I could fuck you up every day for the rest of high school and no one would care. Hell, they'd slap me on the back for it, carry me around the school on a throne. I'd be the frickin' king of the school, and you'd be shit, and everything would be exactly the way it should be."
"So why apologize?"
"Because that's not who I am, damnit!"
"Sure seems like it to me," Kurt replied flippantly.
"Shit. Mrs. Pill told me not to fuck this up."
"Mrs. Pill?"
"Yes, Mrs. Pill. I have seventh period independent study with her."
Kurt looked confused. "She doesn't do independent study."
"Look, she does for me, okay? I'm in dual enrollment this semester, taking a couple psychology classes out at the community college. I went to Mrs. Pill about some stuff last year, and we kind of bonded, I guess. She helps me with the studying and makes sure I don't miss any of the requirements."
"How is that even possible?" Kurt queried, clearly skeptical. "You skip half your classes on a daily basis. Why would anyone let you take college courses?"
"I’m not an idiot!" Puck screamed, and Kurt flinched toward the door. "I'm sorry," Puck started again, softer. "I didn't mean to scare you. I skip classes because it makes it more fun, more challenging. I'm not a genius or anything, but some stuff just comes easy to me. I skip a few days and then show up, and then at least I'm not bored to tears the whole time."
"Just part of it, huh?"
"Yeah, just part of it." Puck shared a smile with Kurt.
"So you're close with Mrs. Pillsbury. That's nice. And you're smart. That's nice, too. But Puck, why am I in your car? Why are you telling me all this?"
"Because, Kurt," and now Puck was the one avoiding eye contact. "Because I want to be more like you."
"What, more fashionable? Because Puck, with that mohawk--"
"No! I want to be proud of who I am! I want to be kind to you, be friends with you, maybe even date you! I want to be stronger than this, strong enough to stop hurting you and to tell other people to stop hurting you! I want to be strong enough to face what you face every single day and hold my head up because yeah, maybe I'm into girls and guys, but there's nothing wrong with that! But I can't seem to do any of that and I hate myself for it!" And Puck knew he was hysterical, screaming and crying and pounding on the dashboard, and he couldn’t seem to stop shaking.
Until Kurt touched his arm. "Puck," he said, speaking in low, even tones. "Noah. Listen to me. I understand how it feels to hate yourself, and I understand what it's like to try to be someone you're not. I know that you're going through a lot right now, and I'm proud of you for coming to me. But I can't be your friend right now, Noah. You've hurt me a lot, and knowing that you hurt me because you're like me hurts even more. Maybe someday we can be friends, but right now, in my head, you're still the guy who hates me for being gay. I don't know how to treat you, but more than that, I don't know how I want to treat you."
Noah opened his mouth to speak, still crying, but at least no longer hysterical. "I want to make--"
"You don't have anything to make up to me, Noah. We all make choices to make our lives easier, and god knows I've made some pretty terrible choices. What matters is what you do from here on. Be the man you want to be instead of the boy you are. Don’t do it for me or Mrs. Pillsbury or anyone else. Do it for yourself."
Kurt hugged him, then, and Puck wrapped his arms around the smaller boy, burying his head in the crook of his neck.
"You're so strong, Noah," Kurt whispered. "Just believe in yourself, and stay true to how you feel, and you'll be fine. It won't be easy. It'll be really hard. But lots of people have done it before, and lots more people will do it after you. You don't have to run out and start carrying the flag at Pride parades. For now, just be you, whoever that is, and the rest will come later."
"Thank you, Kurt," Puck stated.
"You're welcome." Kurt disengaged from the hug, grabbing his bag and moving to exit the vehicle. "Good luck, Noah."
"Yeah."
And Kurt was gone, walking up the driveway to his house. Puck stared, wiped his eyes and drove off.
II. Poco a Poco (little by little)
"Hey, Kurt."
Kurt looked up from his locker to find Puck standing next to him. "Hey, Puck."
"You look nice today."
"What?"
"I have to go."
And Puck was gone, running down the hall towards Mrs. Pillsbury's office. Kurt shook his head, smiling. He and Puck had avoided each other for several days after Puck's coming out, and Kurt had used that time to think about his reactions. As much as Kurt was attracted to Puck, just because the other boy turned out to be bisexual didn't mean he was fair game. Puck had said he wanted to date Kurt, though, and Kurt hadn't missed that part at all. In fact, he was pretty proud of the fact that he hadn't just straight up died from the shock. Like he'd said in the car, though, being queer didn't excuse Puck's actions--in a way, it made them worse.
But, and damnit all to hell, Kurt still thought Puck was irresistible, and now that "not before hell freezes over" had become "maybe it's time to get out the parka," he was feeling just the slightest bit hopeful.
Kurt shut his locker, pulled his shoulders back and kept his chin held high. Noah Puckerman might be interested, but he was going to have to come to him. Kurt wanted flowers, chocolate and groveling, not necessarily in that order, and he was going to get them before he let Puck get to first base, regardless of how nice his ass was.
Seriously.
*****
Puck walked into Mrs. Pillsbury's office, whistling the last few bars of "Don’t Rain on My Parade," before he realized what he was doing and shut the hell up. He might not be totally straight, but he did not whistle show tunes.
"Hello, Noah. How are you today?" Mrs. Pillsbury asked.
"Damn good, Mrs. P. And how are you?"
"Cursing, Noah."
"Of course," Puck said, grinning widely. "I apologize for my grievance, and I hope that you'll forgive me in due time."
"Okay, Noah, what the hell?" And then Emma turned a startling shade of red.
"Language, Mrs. Pill! I can't believe you'd use such words in front of a young, impressionable mind."
"You're incorrigible, Mr. Puckerman. So what's going on that's got you so cheerful?"
"I think I finally know what I want," he replied, the smile dropping off his face. This was serious business, and he wanted Mrs. Pill to understand that.
"And just what is that, Noah?"
"Kurt."
"Okay. What's changed?"
"What do you mean?" Puck queried. "I want Kurt. Nothing's changed."
"Okay, Noah. That's great. I'm glad you've decided to come out. I hope that it goes well for you."
"Wait," Puck interjected. "Wait just a minute. I didn't say anything about coming out. I'm not some banner carrying, rainbow colored queer. I just want to maybe date Kurt, see what happens. That's all, Mrs. P."
Emma looked at the teen and shook her head. "Noah, for a bright boy, you're awfully dumb sometimes."
To Puck's credit, he kept silent, nodding for her to continue.
"If you think that Kurt's going to settle for being your boy on the side, you've got another thing coming. He's out and proud, Noah, and he's not going to go back in the closet for you. I really like you, but you've done some awful, awful things to that poor boy over the years. What makes you think he'd compromise what he believes in for you? He wants to have a boyfriend, Noah, and all that that entails. He wants someone to be proud to walk with him down the hall, to hold his hand at the theater. He wants to be in a normal relationship, just like everybody else. He won't want to be your secret, and I'm surprised that you're willing to even have that kind of relationship."
"Look, Mrs. Pill, I’m not perfect, and I’m not ready to throw myself out there. Can't I just try things with Kurt and see what happens?"
"You absolutely can," she stated, "but Kurt's probably not going to want to be your experiment."
"I don't want him to be an experiment!" Noah shouted, clenching his fists. He took a deep breath and sat back. That's not what I want for him. Or me, really. But I just don't know if I’m ready for the world to know, you know?"
"That's okay, Noah. You don't need to have all the answers today."
"You know," Puck stated, "he called me Noah the other day, when I broke down like a girl in the car."
"And?" Emma asked.
"It wasn't awful," Puck replied, smiling softly. "I wouldn't mind him doing it again."
Emma smiled, too. "You have a lot of work to do to get to that point, Noah."
"Yeah, I do. I know I do. But I think he's worth it."
Emma reached out, lightly grasping Puck's hand. "You're worth it, too, you know."
*****
Kurt was surprised to see Puck already in the music room when he arrived for practice. "Shouldn't you be tormenting Mrs. Pillsbury?"
"She let me leave early. I told her I needed to talk to you."
Kurt looked at his watch and sighed. "Puck, practice starts in, like, five minutes. We don't have time for this."
"Look, it won't take long," Puck stated, crossing the room to stand next to Kurt. He placed his hand on the smaller boy's shoulder and looked him directly in the eyes. "I know we haven't spoken for a few days, but I wanted to say thank you."
"For what?"
"I haven't been the greatest guy to you for a long time now, and you could have used what I told you against me. You didn't."
Kurt rolled his eyes. "I'm not that kind of person, Puck. I would never hurt you on purpose, and I would never use your sexuality against you. You were brave, and I'm not going to give you trouble because of it." Kurt hoped Puck caught the "like you did to me" that was implied in the statement.
"I know. I know all that. And that's not the only reason for--shit. Look, you want to hang out after school today? Maybe play some video games and drink some beer or something?"
Kurt cocked his hip. "Not in the slightest, Puck, but I'd be open to facials and some Rogers and Hammerstein."
"Yeah, and we can paint each other's toenails and wait for our periods to synch up. Do I look like a chick, Hummel?"
"No you don't, Noah," Kurt responded, his voice on edge, "but you're supposed to be apologizing to me. Try again."
"Compromise. Pizza and Repo! The Genetic Opera?"
"Make it thin crust and Rent and you've got yourself a deal."
"Fine."
"Fine."
*****
They sat in Kurt's living room at opposite ends of the couch. Kurt's dad was out for the evening, and a nearly empty pizza box was sitting precariously on the edge of the coffee table.
They didn't speak.
Roger sang about AIDS, and they were silent. Angel drummed, and they were silent. Mark eulogized bohemia, and they were silent.
And then Angel died, and Kurt happened to see Puck wipe away a tear, and he broke.
"Puck, what are we doing?"
"Not crying at this fucking movie."
Kurt sighed, pressing pause on the remote. "Seriously, Puck, what are you doing here? I love this movie, and yet I can't wait for it to be over, because this is so incredibly awkward and uncomfortable. So instead of waiting until the credits, let's just cut the bullshit. What are you doing here, Puck?"
"I don't know."
"Okay." Kurt stood and walked to the door. Throwing it open, he gestured for Puck to exit. "Thanks for the pizza. Have a good night."
"Fuck, Kurt, I don't want to leave."
Kurt closed the door but didn't retake his seat. "Look, Puck, this has all the makings of a date--pizza, movie, uncomfortable couch, stilted conversation--is that what you were going for? Because I'm not ready to date you."
"Not now or not ever?"
"Missing the point, Noah."
"I like it when you call me Noah."
"Um…okay." Kurt moved over to the couch and sat down. "You have to talk to me, Puck--Noah--if you want me to trust you."
Puck looked across the couch at Kurt, eyes still red from not crying over Angel's death. He took a deep breath and then reached for one of Kurt's hands to hold in his own. "This isn't a date. At least, tonight isn't. I want to be a good guy, and I want to be friends with you, and," he continued, grinning, "about 75% of the time I want to shove my tongue down your throat, but I'm willing to put that on hold for now.
Kurt blushed, but he didn't say anything.
"I can't give you anything except my word, and I understand if that's not good enough for you. I just need you to give me a chance to not be a jerk."
Kurt pulled his hand away, a blush tingeing his cheeks. He unpaused the movie. "Sing with me, Noah."
And their voices blended with Collins as he sang goodbye to his lover, and this time, they both cried.
III. Saltando (jumpy, fast and short)
"Hey, Kurt."
Kurt looked up, smiling. "Hey, Noah. How are you?"
"Great. Get your stuff and walk with me. Hurry."
"Noah?"
"Just do it."
Kurt was confused, but he did as told, and the two took off down the hall, Puck looking back over his shoulder repeatedly.
"Noah, what's going on?"
Puck sighed. "Some of the guys from the team were coming to slushie you. I've heard you bitch about how expensive that bag is, so, you know--"
Kurt's smile cut Puck off. "So you protected me and walked me to class. You're not such a bad guy, Noah Puckerman."
"Well, let's keep that between us."
*****
"Noah," Emma started as he skidded into her office, "you're ten minutes late."
"I know. I had to cross the building to get here."
"Because?"
"Because I was walking Kurt to class." He smiled, then, and looked down.
"Noah, that's wonderful!
"Yeah, I think it is, too. And I went to his house last night. And it was awkward, and then I cried, and then he tried to throw me out, and then we sang and cried, and then he kissed me. On the cheek, but I swear, it was amazing and perfect."
Emma's eyes got a little wider, but she just said, "Cried?"
"Yeah, the movie was sad. You know Rent, right?"
"Of course. I'm a fan of musicals."
"No, you're a fan of Mr. Shue, and he's a fan of musicals, but I'll let that slide. Anyway, I wanted Repo but he wanted Rent, so we watched that and ate pizza."
Emma smiled. "It sounds like a lovely evening, Noah."
"Yeah, it wasn't. At least, not a first. It was awkward as hell. But he yelled a little, and we talked a little, and it got a lot better."
"Good for you, Noah. So what's next?"
"Next?" Puck looked confused.
"For you, I mean. How are you feeling about all of this? It sounds like last night was your first date with a guy."
"Nah, Mrs. Pill, it wasn't a date. Kurt said it wasn't, and I didn't think it was, either. It was just us, hanging out. Totally normal."
Emma sat back in her chair. "That's an interesting choice of words, Noah. 'Normal.' Why would you say that?"
Puck groaned. "I knew as soon as I said that you'd start asking questions. I know what you're thinking, that I'm saying 'normal' because I'm trying to justify what we're doing in my head. If it's not a date and I call it 'normal,' then maybe I'm trying to say it's not gay."
He rose from his chair and began pacing in the small office.
"Take your time, Noah. You don't have to have all the answers today."
"Yeah, and I’m sure I don't. But I'm sure about this. What Kurt and I did last night, our quasi-date, even if we didn't call it as much, was normal. It was what happens when two guys--no, two people are attracted to each other. We spent time together, and after it was weird, it was good."
"Look," he said, stopping in front of Emma's desk, "I can't give you all the answers today. But I like this kid, and I like being with him. I wasn't ashamed to walk him to class, and I'm not going to be ashamed to be with him. After last night, I think he's beginning to trust me, and I’m not going to ruin that by feeling guilty over something I shouldn't."
"Great. So should we start planning your coming out party?"
"Fuck."
"Yes."
"Maybe one step at a time, Mrs. P.? Can I at least ask him out before I decide to prance out of the closet?"
She smiled and took his hands in hers. "Noah, whatever you want to do you can do. This is your life, and you can live it any way you want. I’m just here to remind you of the details sometimes."
"You're pretty good to me." He dropped her hands and walked around her desk to pull her into a hug. "Thank you, Mrs. Pillsbury."
"Noah," she started, "please let me go."
"Right, sorry about that. No hugs. My bad."
Emma smoothed her skirt and thought about her change of clothes in her closet. "It's okay, Noah."
"Right. So, enough about me. How's things with you and Mr. Shue?"
Emma rested her chin in her hands and sighed. "We're not going to talk about psychology at all today, are we?"
Puck laughed. "Mrs. Pill, when do we ever?"
*****
"Look, can I take you to dinner Friday tonight?"
Kurt's mouth fell open, which he knew from mirror practice was not a good look for him. Still, the shock of the moment seemed to call for it. "You want to--like a--are you asking me out? For real this time?"
"Yes." Puck grinned, and Kurt was pretty nervous.
But also ridiculously turned on.
"Okay."
And then Mercedes and Artie arrived for Glee practice, and the conversation was over.
*****
"Wow, this is nice," Kurt stated to Puck as they pulled into the parking lot of the small Italian restaurant on the outskirts of Lima.
"Yeah, I've been here a few times," Puck replied. "I thought you'd like it. It's casual, but the food is awesome."
"I'm sure it is," Kurt said absently.
The nervousness was almost palpable. "Kurt, this doesn't have to be anything you don't want. I just want to spend time with you, and I thought this would be a nice way to do it. I'm not trying to set you up or embarrass you or anything." Kurt didn't respond, and Puck let the silence grow for a few seconds. "I'll even pay," he added, grinning.
"Well, I should hope so," Kurt huffed. "You did ask me out."
Puck laughed and reached to unbuckle his seatbelt. "Oh, we're going to be just fine."
Dinner was good, and Puck found himself entranced by Kurt's stories, his mannerisms, just about everything he did. There was an instance with an unwieldy meatball, and Kurt seemed mortified, but Puck thought it was cute.
And that's when he got nervous himself. He'd known he liked Kurt, in that way, but he hadn't realized quite how much. Puck had clammed up then, letting Kurt do most of the talking, which the other boy either didn't notice or wasn't concerned with. And now they were back in the vehicle, pulling up to the curb by Kurt's house, and Puck was scared out of his mind.
They'd just had their first date, which was what Puck had been aiming for when he'd asked Kurt to dinner, but he wasn't prepared for this part, the after part. With girls, he'd have them naked in the backseat before the vehicle was in park, but this was Kurt. A guy, which wasn't a problem, but in a way, it was. Puck had never kissed another guy, never fooled around with another guy, never had a date with another guy. Kurt wasn't a cougar or a Cheerio, and Puck had no clue what to do next.
"And so Mercedes starts screaming, and Artie wheels over, but what is he going to do, right? And I’m standing there, beyond freaked out, and Brittany goes--Noah? What's wrong?" Kurt touched Puck's hand with his own.
And it all clicked into place.
Puck reached across the console and grabbed Kurt's head, tilting it slightly before meeting his lips with his own. Kurt flailed a little, clearly surprised, but quickly relaxed into the kiss, opening his mouth for Puck.
It was good.
Puck broke off the kiss, holding Kurt's face in both of his hands. "Is this okay?" he asked, breathless.
Kurt's smile was one he'd never seen before, but it was the kind that could light up a room, or one of those other clichéd phrases. "Noah," he breathed, stroking one hand along the other boy's neck, "it's perfect."
*****
IV. Agitato (hurried, restless)
"Hey, Kurt." A smile.
"Hey, Noah." A twinkle.
*****
"I took Kurt to dinner last night and we made out in my car for, like, half an hour afterwards."
"Well, hello to you, too, Noah," Emma replied. To her credit, she only blushed a little.
"Yep. So let's talk about gay sex. I have some questions, and I think you're the perfect person to ask."
"Noah!" Flustered, Emma looked around her office. "Well, um, I don't think I have any pamphlets on that, but maybe I could order something, or, um, you know, the nurse's office might have--I can check with--I mean, you'll want to be safe and--there's maybe a website I could--or maybe you want to talk to Mr. Schuester about--"
Puck's laugher interrupted her rambling. "I'm just messing with you, Mrs. P. We're not ready for that. We just had our first date last night, and regardless of where Kurt is, I’m not at that place. I mean, the kissing was good, but I'm definitely not ready to--you know."
"Right. Well, Noah, if you ever are, um, ready, I can try to help you in whatever way I can."
"I know, Mrs. P., and you've been absolutely wonderful to me. I'd probably still be beating the shit out of Kurt and sleeping with strange women if it weren't for you."
"You're welcome?"
Puck laughed and touched her hand across the desk. "Seriously, Mrs. Pillsbury, you've done a lot for me. Thank you."
"Oh, Noah," she replied, a few tears escaping, "I'm just glad you're here. Don't tell any of the other kids, but you might be my favorite."
They shared a grin, and she took her hand back, glad he hadn't tried to hug her again.
"So anyway," she continued, "tell me all about it. Was it everything you expected?"
"Yes and no," Puck replied, shaking his head. "I knew I liked him, right? But he's just so--Kurt. Like, on anyone else, the things he does would drive me batshit crazy. But with him, I just look at him and think, gosh, he's so cute." He smiled ruefully and continued. "I'm not sure why I like him, to be honest. I guess I just do. I'm not in love with him or anything," he stated, looking at her sharply. "But I don't think it would be the end of the world if I was. You know, someday."
"And the kissing?"
"The kissing was awesome. So totally awesome. He does this thing where--"
"Noah," Emma warned.
"Kidding, kidding. I know what you want to hear, though, and I was a little freaked out at first. It all kind of hit me as we pulled up to his house. Like, this was our first date, my first date with a guy, and I knew I wanted to kiss him, but I wasn't sure how. It's easy with a chick. Kurt made me nervous, though."
"Do you think he was nervous?"
"I don't know. Maybe. He wouldn't shut up all night. But--it was nice, in a way. Like, comforting, to hear him speak, even if I did tune a lot of it out."
"You may want to work on that in the future, Noah."
"Yeah, I know. But really, it was pretty amazing."
Emma looked at Puck for a moment. "So why are you afraid?"
Puck glared across the desk. "I'm not afraid. I never said I was afraid."
"Okay, Noah. So what about your next date with Kurt? What are you going to do?"
"Shit. How did you know I was afraid?"
"I know you pretty well, Noah. Let me give you some advice. This is new for both of you. Talk to him. Tell him what scares you, and ask him what scares him. Experience this together."
"That sounds so easy when you say it, Mrs. Pill. But in practice, I just don't know. I'm supposed to be a dude, you know? Dudes don't get scared."
"I see, Noah," Emma answered. "Would you think less of Kurt if he was scared?"
"Of course not!"
"Then why would you think less of yourself?"
"Can we just drop this for now?"
"Sure, Noah. But at least promise me you'll think about it."
"Oh, I don't think I'll stop thinking about it."
*****
Kurt sat next to Mercedes in the music room, carefully watching the door.
"Kurt," Mercedes spoke, turning to look him in the eye, "what are you waiting for? Or who?"
"It's nothing, Mercedes."
"Hell no it ain't nothing! I'm supposed to be your best friend, Kurt. Talk to me."
"'Cedes, I can't. Not right now. I need you to let it go."
"Kurt, are you in trouble?"
"No, I'm not. And I love you, and I'll talk to you about it, but not yet. Please, just trust me on this one."
"Fine. But I'll be watching you."
"I'd expect nothing less."
Mr. Schuester showed up with some new music, and practice began. Kurt wasn't too wrapped up in singing, though, to notice one thing.
Puck didn't show up.
*****
Puck swore. He was standing on Kurt's doorstep, rain pouring down on him because, apparently, God had a sense of humor, and even though he was freezing, he couldn't seem to make himself ring the doorbell.
He'd known skipping Glee would make Kurt think he was freaking out, or ashamed of what they'd done, and if he was honest with himself, neither of those assumptions would have been totally wrong. Speaking with Mrs. Pillsbury that afternoon scared him, and he just didn't want to deal with it for an afternoon. And after running a few miles and downing a couple of beers, he'd realized that talking to Kurt would have been a better plan than cutting him out entirely.
And so here he was, trying to gather the courage to ring the doorbell. He lifted his hand, slowly--
And came face to face with a very pissy Kurt.
"What are you doing here, Puck?"
Puck knew it was a fair question. "I freaked out, and I ran, and I’m sorry."
"Not good enough. Try again."
Puck sighed. "Okay. Last night was one of the best nights of my life. It was a perfect date, and making out with you in the car was pretty damn awesome."
"Noah…"
"And I went home last night, and I was happy. And this morning, I was happy. And then I went to Mrs. P., and she asked me questions, and I didn't know all the answers, and I felt like I couldn't face you in Glee. I got confused, and I lost my self-confidence. I started to think too much, and so instead of talking to you about it, I ran. Literally, something like six miles. And then I went home and drank a couple beers and realized that I was being stupid, and so here I am, on your doorstep, telling you I'm sorry and asking you for another chance."
Kurt stepped aside and motioned for Puck to enter. "Follow me."
Puck had been in Kurt's house, but he hadn't been in Kurt's room. The pristine basement area was unnerving, but not quite surprising. It was very Kurt.
"Here," Kurt said, handing Puck some folded clothes. "The pants will probably be a little short, and the shirt too small, but--"
"It's fine, Kurt. Thank you."
"You can change in the bathroom," Kurt stated, pointing to a door in the corner. "Just leave your wet clothes in the tub for now." He turned his back to Puck and started fiddling with his iPod.
Puck emerged from the bathroom a few minutes later, scrubbing a towel over his head. "You were right, Kurt," he stated, "the pants are okay, but the shirt--well…"
Kurt was staring at Puck, eyes wide and mouth open.
"Kurt?" Puck waked closer, putting a hand on the other boy's shoulder. "Everything okay? Thanks again for the clothes, man. I really--"
Whatever else Puck had to say was swallowed up as Kurt crushed his mouth to Puck's, delving his tongue inside while running his hands over the few inches of exposed abdomen the shirt didn't cover. Puck moaned and wrapped his arms around Kurt, pulling the smaller boy against his chest.
Kurt broke away from Puck's mouth, panting, and started kissing along his jaw.
"Kurt," Puck gasped, "what are you doing?"
"You look," Kurt panted, "so hot right now. Want to do bad things to you. Very, very bad things." His hand drifted down from Puck's abdomen, firmly gripping the other boy's erection.
"God, Kurt," Puck moaned. Kurt's hand was moving at a slow, steady speed on his dick, and it was almost more than he could take.
"Yeah, Noah. So good."
"Kurt, wait," Puck said, pulling back from Kurt's mouth and hand. "We need to talk. Aren't you upset with me?"
Kurt moved in for another kiss. "Not now, Noah."
Puck sat down on the edge of Kurt's bed, legs wide and unashamed. "Kurt, we have to talk about this. Our first date was last night, and I ran away today. Are you sure you want to do this?"
"Noah," Kurt said, and moved to join him on the bed. He brushed up against the other boy's side and looked into his eyes. "I'm just as scared as you are. Just because I'm more out than you are doesn't mean that this is any less frightening for me." Kurt took Puck's hand in his and breathed deeply. "I want this, with you. I want to be with you like this, and I want to be with you as a couple. It's always going to be scary, Noah. Life is scary. It's really scary when you're different."
Puck opened his mouth to protest, and Kurt silenced him, placing two fingers over his lips. "Not wrong. Different. And it's a good kind of different, Noah. It doesn't make us any worse or any better than anyone else." Kurt shifted his fingers to cup Puck's cheek in his hand. "I trust you, Noah. If I didn't mean something to you, you wouldn't have come here. You would have run and kept running and that would have been the end. You stood in the rain on my porch, Noah, and that's enough for me. I trust you, I believe in you, and I want you."
They kissed, softy.
"Is that enough talking for now, Noah?"
"Almost." Puck laid his hand on Kurt's cheek, copying the other man's gesture. "I can't promise I won't get scared again, Kurt. But I promise to come to you when I do. I trust you, I believe in you, and I want you, too."
"Show me, Noah."
*****
V. Dolce (sweetly)
"Hummel."
"Puckerman."
Puck smiled at Kurt, leaning down to kiss his cheek. "Hey, babe. Can I walk you to class?"
Kurt grinned back, turning his head to kiss his boyfriend on the mouth. "I wouldn't have it any other way."
Their fingers entwined, they walked down the hall, lost in their own world, content in each other's company.
And then they were brought back to the immediate, courtesy of some jocks, a few taunts--
--and two ice blue slushies.
Puck and Kurt looked at the jocks, then at each other.
"Well," Puck said, surveying the damage done to Kurt's clothes, "that was fun."
Kurt laughed, and, while holding eye contact with one of the jocks, licked a stripe up Puck's neck. "Blue," he stated loudly, "my favorite."
And covered in ice and blue syrup, they continued down the hall, holding hands and laughing, happy and carefree, caught up in each other, as boyfriends should be.
Author: glitterfey
Pairing: Puck/Kurt
Rating: PG-15, a few bad words and a hint of sex
Spoilers: N/A, although I'm ignoring the fact that Puck fathered Quinn's baby.
Word Count: ~7,500
Summary: Puck knows what he wants. If only he could act like it...
AN: Written for lezi for the gleeslash Gleekret Secret Santa Exchange. She requested Puck/Kurt, heavy romance. Here you go, dear!
I. Andante (at a walking pace)
"Hey, Fairy Hummel!"
Kurt sighed. As much as he appreciated Puck switching to a nickname less fag or queer based, he couldn’t give the man credit for fairy. At least, not much.
"Yes, Homewrecker Puckerman?"
Okay, not his best work, but hey, an insult was an insult. And then Puck slammed him up against his locker--closed, thankfully--and he wished he'd at least come up with a better insult if this was how he was going to die.
"Listen, fucker," Noah growled into his ear, which, hell, if he wasn't afraid for his life, that would be incredibly hot. Oh, wait, Puck was still talking.
"…ever fucking call me that again, I'll beat the living shit out of you. You understand me, little queer?"
Wonderful, back to that. Kurt understood that at this point, the conversation was over.
"Sure thing, Puck. Never again."
"Damn straight." And Puck slammed his fist against the lockers, just inches from Kurt's face, and was walking away.
Kurt was proud of himself that he didn’t flinch, but less proud of himself that he watched Puck's ass as he walked away. It sucked being in lust with a homophobic straight man.
*****
Puck kept the glare on his face as he walked away, shoving unsuspecting freshmen out of his way. Finally, he saw his destination, and he quickened his pace. He came here every day, seventh period independent study. He threw open the door and collapsed in one of the exceptionally clean chairs.
"Noah," Emma gasped, walking around her desk to stand next to the teen, "what's wrong?"
"He hates me," Noah replied, voice breaking. "And it's my own fault. I can't help it. I go up to talk to him, and I want to be nice to him, show him what I'm really like, and instead, all I do is insult him and act like I'm going to beat his face in."
"Why?"
"Why? How the hell am I supposed to know?"
Emma placed her hand on his shoulder. "Noah, we've talked about this. You don't have to be anything you don't want to be. You've said you want to be friends with Kurt, be more like him. How can that happen if you're always threatening him and calling him names?"
Puck leaned into her touch. He knew that he was the only person she touched this way--well, besides Mr. Shue--and it warmed him inside. He trusted her completely. She'd held his hand when he'd told her he thought he might be bisexual, and she didn’t yell or act disgusted. She'd told him how strong she thought he was, and how proud she was of him. When he'd pulled his hand away, she'd waited a good 45 seconds to get out her sanitizer, and that had meant almost as much to him as her words had.
"God, Mrs. Pill, I'm such an idiot. I don't know why you put up with me."
"Because I'm paid to, Noah," she replied with a wink, and moved to sit behind her desk. "In all seriousness, though, you need to really think about all this. Are you trying to compensate for something?"
"Gee, I don't know. How many queer football players do you know?"
"Two, Noah. And one of them is proud to be himself, but the other seems too scared. What are you afraid of?"
Noah shifted in his chair, unable to meet Emma's eyes. "I know exactly what this is, Mrs. Pill. I've read the books; you know that. I'm in the bargaining stage of grief. I know in my heart that I'm bisexual. I know that I'm attracted to men and want to have relationships with them. I know that's not wrong, and it doesn't make me weak. I know that it's natural and that nothing is wrong with me. I know all that. But at the same time, I'm a football player. I'm a Jew. I'm a stud."
"Noah…"
"Kidding, Mrs. Pill. But it's true. I've spent my teenage years being the stereotypical heterosexual male, and it's a good life. I look at what Kurt's going through, and I'm so proud of him for being who he is, but what happens to him every day for being who he is--I don't want that to happen to me. And I know I'm a big part of why he's tormented, but if I stop, if I become friends with him, if I come out, I'll lose my status, and I'm not stupid enough to think that there won't be someone just like me who'll treat me just like I treat Kurt. I hate what I'm doing, but I don't know if I'm ready to stop."
Emma sighed. "That's okay, Noah. You don't have to be perfect. You're a kid in high school. You've got plenty of time to figure all of this out."
"I don't want to talk about it anymore."
"That's fine, Noah. We'll talk about something else. How are your online psych classes coming?"
Noah was relieved. His online college psych classes, while another secret, were a much easier topic to discuss.
"They're going well, Mrs. Pill. You wanna talk about Freud?" he asked, wagging his eyebrows at her.
"You'll be the death of me, Noah Puckerman."
*****
"And then he growled at me. I swear, Cedes, it was the hottest thing that's ever happened to me."
Mercedes groaned, raising an eyebrow at Kurt. "Honey, if you've got a brain in your head, you'll get over this crush just like you got over your one on Finn. Puck's not hitting on you. He's being physically violent! How that turns you on I'll never understand."
"Mercedes, I know all that. But a boy can dream, right?" He fluttered his eyelashes at her and smiled.
"You're an idiot," she replied, but she couldn't help but smile back.
"All right, guys!" Mr. Schuester called, walking through the door into the music room. "I've got some awesome stuff for us today. I'd like you on lead, Rachel. And," he continued over the not so silent groans from the other members of Glee, "I'd like you, Puck, on the male lead. Wait, where's Puck?"
"Here, I’m here," Puck said, running through the doorway. "Sorry, Mr. Shue, independent study ran long." He sauntered over to Kurt, looking him directly in the eyes. "Shove over, pretty boy."
"Neanderthal," Kurt muttered, but he shifted over.
*****
Puck was distracted during Glee practice, not to mention a little pissed at Mr. Shue for making him sing with Rachel. She was all, "I need you to focus more, Noah," and that grated on him, mostly because only Mrs. Pill and his mother could get away with calling him Noah, and also because, well, it was Rachel, and she might have been a hot Jew, but she was by far the most annoying person on the planet. Hell, he'd rather perform a duet with Jack the Ripper than Rachel, but Jack wasn't in Glee. Shame.
And now things were winding down, and that meant it was time to put his plan--well, Mrs. Pill's plan--into action.
"Hey, Hummel."
"Yes?" Kurt responded, confusion clear in his eyes.
"Let me give you a ride home." Puck hoped Kurt would just agree and they could leave.
"Why would I do that, Puck? Being alone in a moving vehicle with you doesn't seem like such a bright idea."
Puck sighed, but Kurt wouldn't be Kurt if he wasn't a little difficult. And honestly, Puck could understand his hesitation. This was important, though, and even if Mrs. Pill was making him do this, he wanted to see it through.
"Look, I just want to talk to you. I promise I won't hurt you or kidnap you or do anything untoward."
"Untoward? Big word, Puck," Kurt replied snidely, but his expression softened. "I don't know if I trust you completely, but what the hell. Only live once, right? But make me one promise. If you're planning something that will get me dirty, can you at least tell me that so I can leave my sweater behind? It's Gucci, and I'd rather die than get it dirty."
"Your sweater will be just fine, princess. Now come on." Puck took off without looking to Kurt, fairly confident the other boy would follow.
"Okay, I'm coming," Kurt called, walking quickly to catch up with Puck. "But I texted Mercedes and Brittany to tell them where I am, so if I wind up dead, they'll know it was you."
They arrived at Puck's vehicle, where he opened the passenger door for Kurt. "Get in."
Kurt hung back, and Puck sighed. "Get in, Kurt."
Kurt got in the vehicle. He was silent until they were nearly halfway to his house.
"That's the first time you've called me Kurt."
"Yeah, I know," Puck replied.
The rest of the drive was quiet. As they pulled up to Kurt's house, Puck turned and looked at the boy.
"I want to tell you some things, Kurt. I want you to just listen to me and at least hear me out. Please?"
"That's the first time you've said please."
"There will be a lot of first times, Kurt, in this conversation."
"Fine." Kurt looked away from Puck, staring out the window at his house.
"Okay, look," Puck started, hoping things would be easier since Kurt wasn't looking at him, "I've been an ass to you. I know that. And I'm sorry."
Kurt's head shot up. "Sorry?"
"Yes, I'm sorry."
"Sorry for what, exactly? Throwing me in the dumpster on a daily basis? Acting like you're going to punch me? Starting rumors about me? Calling me names? What, exactly, Puck, are you sorry about?"
"All of it, okay? Damnit!" Puck hit his fists against the steering wheel. He hadn't expected the conversation to be easy, but he'd hoped. "Listen, you little shit. I don't have to apologize. I could fuck you up every day for the rest of high school and no one would care. Hell, they'd slap me on the back for it, carry me around the school on a throne. I'd be the frickin' king of the school, and you'd be shit, and everything would be exactly the way it should be."
"So why apologize?"
"Because that's not who I am, damnit!"
"Sure seems like it to me," Kurt replied flippantly.
"Shit. Mrs. Pill told me not to fuck this up."
"Mrs. Pill?"
"Yes, Mrs. Pill. I have seventh period independent study with her."
Kurt looked confused. "She doesn't do independent study."
"Look, she does for me, okay? I'm in dual enrollment this semester, taking a couple psychology classes out at the community college. I went to Mrs. Pill about some stuff last year, and we kind of bonded, I guess. She helps me with the studying and makes sure I don't miss any of the requirements."
"How is that even possible?" Kurt queried, clearly skeptical. "You skip half your classes on a daily basis. Why would anyone let you take college courses?"
"I’m not an idiot!" Puck screamed, and Kurt flinched toward the door. "I'm sorry," Puck started again, softer. "I didn't mean to scare you. I skip classes because it makes it more fun, more challenging. I'm not a genius or anything, but some stuff just comes easy to me. I skip a few days and then show up, and then at least I'm not bored to tears the whole time."
"Just part of it, huh?"
"Yeah, just part of it." Puck shared a smile with Kurt.
"So you're close with Mrs. Pillsbury. That's nice. And you're smart. That's nice, too. But Puck, why am I in your car? Why are you telling me all this?"
"Because, Kurt," and now Puck was the one avoiding eye contact. "Because I want to be more like you."
"What, more fashionable? Because Puck, with that mohawk--"
"No! I want to be proud of who I am! I want to be kind to you, be friends with you, maybe even date you! I want to be stronger than this, strong enough to stop hurting you and to tell other people to stop hurting you! I want to be strong enough to face what you face every single day and hold my head up because yeah, maybe I'm into girls and guys, but there's nothing wrong with that! But I can't seem to do any of that and I hate myself for it!" And Puck knew he was hysterical, screaming and crying and pounding on the dashboard, and he couldn’t seem to stop shaking.
Until Kurt touched his arm. "Puck," he said, speaking in low, even tones. "Noah. Listen to me. I understand how it feels to hate yourself, and I understand what it's like to try to be someone you're not. I know that you're going through a lot right now, and I'm proud of you for coming to me. But I can't be your friend right now, Noah. You've hurt me a lot, and knowing that you hurt me because you're like me hurts even more. Maybe someday we can be friends, but right now, in my head, you're still the guy who hates me for being gay. I don't know how to treat you, but more than that, I don't know how I want to treat you."
Noah opened his mouth to speak, still crying, but at least no longer hysterical. "I want to make--"
"You don't have anything to make up to me, Noah. We all make choices to make our lives easier, and god knows I've made some pretty terrible choices. What matters is what you do from here on. Be the man you want to be instead of the boy you are. Don’t do it for me or Mrs. Pillsbury or anyone else. Do it for yourself."
Kurt hugged him, then, and Puck wrapped his arms around the smaller boy, burying his head in the crook of his neck.
"You're so strong, Noah," Kurt whispered. "Just believe in yourself, and stay true to how you feel, and you'll be fine. It won't be easy. It'll be really hard. But lots of people have done it before, and lots more people will do it after you. You don't have to run out and start carrying the flag at Pride parades. For now, just be you, whoever that is, and the rest will come later."
"Thank you, Kurt," Puck stated.
"You're welcome." Kurt disengaged from the hug, grabbing his bag and moving to exit the vehicle. "Good luck, Noah."
"Yeah."
And Kurt was gone, walking up the driveway to his house. Puck stared, wiped his eyes and drove off.
II. Poco a Poco (little by little)
"Hey, Kurt."
Kurt looked up from his locker to find Puck standing next to him. "Hey, Puck."
"You look nice today."
"What?"
"I have to go."
And Puck was gone, running down the hall towards Mrs. Pillsbury's office. Kurt shook his head, smiling. He and Puck had avoided each other for several days after Puck's coming out, and Kurt had used that time to think about his reactions. As much as Kurt was attracted to Puck, just because the other boy turned out to be bisexual didn't mean he was fair game. Puck had said he wanted to date Kurt, though, and Kurt hadn't missed that part at all. In fact, he was pretty proud of the fact that he hadn't just straight up died from the shock. Like he'd said in the car, though, being queer didn't excuse Puck's actions--in a way, it made them worse.
But, and damnit all to hell, Kurt still thought Puck was irresistible, and now that "not before hell freezes over" had become "maybe it's time to get out the parka," he was feeling just the slightest bit hopeful.
Kurt shut his locker, pulled his shoulders back and kept his chin held high. Noah Puckerman might be interested, but he was going to have to come to him. Kurt wanted flowers, chocolate and groveling, not necessarily in that order, and he was going to get them before he let Puck get to first base, regardless of how nice his ass was.
Seriously.
*****
Puck walked into Mrs. Pillsbury's office, whistling the last few bars of "Don’t Rain on My Parade," before he realized what he was doing and shut the hell up. He might not be totally straight, but he did not whistle show tunes.
"Hello, Noah. How are you today?" Mrs. Pillsbury asked.
"Damn good, Mrs. P. And how are you?"
"Cursing, Noah."
"Of course," Puck said, grinning widely. "I apologize for my grievance, and I hope that you'll forgive me in due time."
"Okay, Noah, what the hell?" And then Emma turned a startling shade of red.
"Language, Mrs. Pill! I can't believe you'd use such words in front of a young, impressionable mind."
"You're incorrigible, Mr. Puckerman. So what's going on that's got you so cheerful?"
"I think I finally know what I want," he replied, the smile dropping off his face. This was serious business, and he wanted Mrs. Pill to understand that.
"And just what is that, Noah?"
"Kurt."
"Okay. What's changed?"
"What do you mean?" Puck queried. "I want Kurt. Nothing's changed."
"Okay, Noah. That's great. I'm glad you've decided to come out. I hope that it goes well for you."
"Wait," Puck interjected. "Wait just a minute. I didn't say anything about coming out. I'm not some banner carrying, rainbow colored queer. I just want to maybe date Kurt, see what happens. That's all, Mrs. P."
Emma looked at the teen and shook her head. "Noah, for a bright boy, you're awfully dumb sometimes."
To Puck's credit, he kept silent, nodding for her to continue.
"If you think that Kurt's going to settle for being your boy on the side, you've got another thing coming. He's out and proud, Noah, and he's not going to go back in the closet for you. I really like you, but you've done some awful, awful things to that poor boy over the years. What makes you think he'd compromise what he believes in for you? He wants to have a boyfriend, Noah, and all that that entails. He wants someone to be proud to walk with him down the hall, to hold his hand at the theater. He wants to be in a normal relationship, just like everybody else. He won't want to be your secret, and I'm surprised that you're willing to even have that kind of relationship."
"Look, Mrs. Pill, I’m not perfect, and I’m not ready to throw myself out there. Can't I just try things with Kurt and see what happens?"
"You absolutely can," she stated, "but Kurt's probably not going to want to be your experiment."
"I don't want him to be an experiment!" Noah shouted, clenching his fists. He took a deep breath and sat back. That's not what I want for him. Or me, really. But I just don't know if I’m ready for the world to know, you know?"
"That's okay, Noah. You don't need to have all the answers today."
"You know," Puck stated, "he called me Noah the other day, when I broke down like a girl in the car."
"And?" Emma asked.
"It wasn't awful," Puck replied, smiling softly. "I wouldn't mind him doing it again."
Emma smiled, too. "You have a lot of work to do to get to that point, Noah."
"Yeah, I do. I know I do. But I think he's worth it."
Emma reached out, lightly grasping Puck's hand. "You're worth it, too, you know."
*****
Kurt was surprised to see Puck already in the music room when he arrived for practice. "Shouldn't you be tormenting Mrs. Pillsbury?"
"She let me leave early. I told her I needed to talk to you."
Kurt looked at his watch and sighed. "Puck, practice starts in, like, five minutes. We don't have time for this."
"Look, it won't take long," Puck stated, crossing the room to stand next to Kurt. He placed his hand on the smaller boy's shoulder and looked him directly in the eyes. "I know we haven't spoken for a few days, but I wanted to say thank you."
"For what?"
"I haven't been the greatest guy to you for a long time now, and you could have used what I told you against me. You didn't."
Kurt rolled his eyes. "I'm not that kind of person, Puck. I would never hurt you on purpose, and I would never use your sexuality against you. You were brave, and I'm not going to give you trouble because of it." Kurt hoped Puck caught the "like you did to me" that was implied in the statement.
"I know. I know all that. And that's not the only reason for--shit. Look, you want to hang out after school today? Maybe play some video games and drink some beer or something?"
Kurt cocked his hip. "Not in the slightest, Puck, but I'd be open to facials and some Rogers and Hammerstein."
"Yeah, and we can paint each other's toenails and wait for our periods to synch up. Do I look like a chick, Hummel?"
"No you don't, Noah," Kurt responded, his voice on edge, "but you're supposed to be apologizing to me. Try again."
"Compromise. Pizza and Repo! The Genetic Opera?"
"Make it thin crust and Rent and you've got yourself a deal."
"Fine."
"Fine."
*****
They sat in Kurt's living room at opposite ends of the couch. Kurt's dad was out for the evening, and a nearly empty pizza box was sitting precariously on the edge of the coffee table.
They didn't speak.
Roger sang about AIDS, and they were silent. Angel drummed, and they were silent. Mark eulogized bohemia, and they were silent.
And then Angel died, and Kurt happened to see Puck wipe away a tear, and he broke.
"Puck, what are we doing?"
"Not crying at this fucking movie."
Kurt sighed, pressing pause on the remote. "Seriously, Puck, what are you doing here? I love this movie, and yet I can't wait for it to be over, because this is so incredibly awkward and uncomfortable. So instead of waiting until the credits, let's just cut the bullshit. What are you doing here, Puck?"
"I don't know."
"Okay." Kurt stood and walked to the door. Throwing it open, he gestured for Puck to exit. "Thanks for the pizza. Have a good night."
"Fuck, Kurt, I don't want to leave."
Kurt closed the door but didn't retake his seat. "Look, Puck, this has all the makings of a date--pizza, movie, uncomfortable couch, stilted conversation--is that what you were going for? Because I'm not ready to date you."
"Not now or not ever?"
"Missing the point, Noah."
"I like it when you call me Noah."
"Um…okay." Kurt moved over to the couch and sat down. "You have to talk to me, Puck--Noah--if you want me to trust you."
Puck looked across the couch at Kurt, eyes still red from not crying over Angel's death. He took a deep breath and then reached for one of Kurt's hands to hold in his own. "This isn't a date. At least, tonight isn't. I want to be a good guy, and I want to be friends with you, and," he continued, grinning, "about 75% of the time I want to shove my tongue down your throat, but I'm willing to put that on hold for now.
Kurt blushed, but he didn't say anything.
"I can't give you anything except my word, and I understand if that's not good enough for you. I just need you to give me a chance to not be a jerk."
Kurt pulled his hand away, a blush tingeing his cheeks. He unpaused the movie. "Sing with me, Noah."
And their voices blended with Collins as he sang goodbye to his lover, and this time, they both cried.
III. Saltando (jumpy, fast and short)
"Hey, Kurt."
Kurt looked up, smiling. "Hey, Noah. How are you?"
"Great. Get your stuff and walk with me. Hurry."
"Noah?"
"Just do it."
Kurt was confused, but he did as told, and the two took off down the hall, Puck looking back over his shoulder repeatedly.
"Noah, what's going on?"
Puck sighed. "Some of the guys from the team were coming to slushie you. I've heard you bitch about how expensive that bag is, so, you know--"
Kurt's smile cut Puck off. "So you protected me and walked me to class. You're not such a bad guy, Noah Puckerman."
"Well, let's keep that between us."
*****
"Noah," Emma started as he skidded into her office, "you're ten minutes late."
"I know. I had to cross the building to get here."
"Because?"
"Because I was walking Kurt to class." He smiled, then, and looked down.
"Noah, that's wonderful!
"Yeah, I think it is, too. And I went to his house last night. And it was awkward, and then I cried, and then he tried to throw me out, and then we sang and cried, and then he kissed me. On the cheek, but I swear, it was amazing and perfect."
Emma's eyes got a little wider, but she just said, "Cried?"
"Yeah, the movie was sad. You know Rent, right?"
"Of course. I'm a fan of musicals."
"No, you're a fan of Mr. Shue, and he's a fan of musicals, but I'll let that slide. Anyway, I wanted Repo but he wanted Rent, so we watched that and ate pizza."
Emma smiled. "It sounds like a lovely evening, Noah."
"Yeah, it wasn't. At least, not a first. It was awkward as hell. But he yelled a little, and we talked a little, and it got a lot better."
"Good for you, Noah. So what's next?"
"Next?" Puck looked confused.
"For you, I mean. How are you feeling about all of this? It sounds like last night was your first date with a guy."
"Nah, Mrs. Pill, it wasn't a date. Kurt said it wasn't, and I didn't think it was, either. It was just us, hanging out. Totally normal."
Emma sat back in her chair. "That's an interesting choice of words, Noah. 'Normal.' Why would you say that?"
Puck groaned. "I knew as soon as I said that you'd start asking questions. I know what you're thinking, that I'm saying 'normal' because I'm trying to justify what we're doing in my head. If it's not a date and I call it 'normal,' then maybe I'm trying to say it's not gay."
He rose from his chair and began pacing in the small office.
"Take your time, Noah. You don't have to have all the answers today."
"Yeah, and I’m sure I don't. But I'm sure about this. What Kurt and I did last night, our quasi-date, even if we didn't call it as much, was normal. It was what happens when two guys--no, two people are attracted to each other. We spent time together, and after it was weird, it was good."
"Look," he said, stopping in front of Emma's desk, "I can't give you all the answers today. But I like this kid, and I like being with him. I wasn't ashamed to walk him to class, and I'm not going to be ashamed to be with him. After last night, I think he's beginning to trust me, and I’m not going to ruin that by feeling guilty over something I shouldn't."
"Great. So should we start planning your coming out party?"
"Fuck."
"Yes."
"Maybe one step at a time, Mrs. P.? Can I at least ask him out before I decide to prance out of the closet?"
She smiled and took his hands in hers. "Noah, whatever you want to do you can do. This is your life, and you can live it any way you want. I’m just here to remind you of the details sometimes."
"You're pretty good to me." He dropped her hands and walked around her desk to pull her into a hug. "Thank you, Mrs. Pillsbury."
"Noah," she started, "please let me go."
"Right, sorry about that. No hugs. My bad."
Emma smoothed her skirt and thought about her change of clothes in her closet. "It's okay, Noah."
"Right. So, enough about me. How's things with you and Mr. Shue?"
Emma rested her chin in her hands and sighed. "We're not going to talk about psychology at all today, are we?"
Puck laughed. "Mrs. Pill, when do we ever?"
*****
"Look, can I take you to dinner Friday tonight?"
Kurt's mouth fell open, which he knew from mirror practice was not a good look for him. Still, the shock of the moment seemed to call for it. "You want to--like a--are you asking me out? For real this time?"
"Yes." Puck grinned, and Kurt was pretty nervous.
But also ridiculously turned on.
"Okay."
And then Mercedes and Artie arrived for Glee practice, and the conversation was over.
*****
"Wow, this is nice," Kurt stated to Puck as they pulled into the parking lot of the small Italian restaurant on the outskirts of Lima.
"Yeah, I've been here a few times," Puck replied. "I thought you'd like it. It's casual, but the food is awesome."
"I'm sure it is," Kurt said absently.
The nervousness was almost palpable. "Kurt, this doesn't have to be anything you don't want. I just want to spend time with you, and I thought this would be a nice way to do it. I'm not trying to set you up or embarrass you or anything." Kurt didn't respond, and Puck let the silence grow for a few seconds. "I'll even pay," he added, grinning.
"Well, I should hope so," Kurt huffed. "You did ask me out."
Puck laughed and reached to unbuckle his seatbelt. "Oh, we're going to be just fine."
Dinner was good, and Puck found himself entranced by Kurt's stories, his mannerisms, just about everything he did. There was an instance with an unwieldy meatball, and Kurt seemed mortified, but Puck thought it was cute.
And that's when he got nervous himself. He'd known he liked Kurt, in that way, but he hadn't realized quite how much. Puck had clammed up then, letting Kurt do most of the talking, which the other boy either didn't notice or wasn't concerned with. And now they were back in the vehicle, pulling up to the curb by Kurt's house, and Puck was scared out of his mind.
They'd just had their first date, which was what Puck had been aiming for when he'd asked Kurt to dinner, but he wasn't prepared for this part, the after part. With girls, he'd have them naked in the backseat before the vehicle was in park, but this was Kurt. A guy, which wasn't a problem, but in a way, it was. Puck had never kissed another guy, never fooled around with another guy, never had a date with another guy. Kurt wasn't a cougar or a Cheerio, and Puck had no clue what to do next.
"And so Mercedes starts screaming, and Artie wheels over, but what is he going to do, right? And I’m standing there, beyond freaked out, and Brittany goes--Noah? What's wrong?" Kurt touched Puck's hand with his own.
And it all clicked into place.
Puck reached across the console and grabbed Kurt's head, tilting it slightly before meeting his lips with his own. Kurt flailed a little, clearly surprised, but quickly relaxed into the kiss, opening his mouth for Puck.
It was good.
Puck broke off the kiss, holding Kurt's face in both of his hands. "Is this okay?" he asked, breathless.
Kurt's smile was one he'd never seen before, but it was the kind that could light up a room, or one of those other clichéd phrases. "Noah," he breathed, stroking one hand along the other boy's neck, "it's perfect."
*****
IV. Agitato (hurried, restless)
"Hey, Kurt." A smile.
"Hey, Noah." A twinkle.
*****
"I took Kurt to dinner last night and we made out in my car for, like, half an hour afterwards."
"Well, hello to you, too, Noah," Emma replied. To her credit, she only blushed a little.
"Yep. So let's talk about gay sex. I have some questions, and I think you're the perfect person to ask."
"Noah!" Flustered, Emma looked around her office. "Well, um, I don't think I have any pamphlets on that, but maybe I could order something, or, um, you know, the nurse's office might have--I can check with--I mean, you'll want to be safe and--there's maybe a website I could--or maybe you want to talk to Mr. Schuester about--"
Puck's laugher interrupted her rambling. "I'm just messing with you, Mrs. P. We're not ready for that. We just had our first date last night, and regardless of where Kurt is, I’m not at that place. I mean, the kissing was good, but I'm definitely not ready to--you know."
"Right. Well, Noah, if you ever are, um, ready, I can try to help you in whatever way I can."
"I know, Mrs. P., and you've been absolutely wonderful to me. I'd probably still be beating the shit out of Kurt and sleeping with strange women if it weren't for you."
"You're welcome?"
Puck laughed and touched her hand across the desk. "Seriously, Mrs. Pillsbury, you've done a lot for me. Thank you."
"Oh, Noah," she replied, a few tears escaping, "I'm just glad you're here. Don't tell any of the other kids, but you might be my favorite."
They shared a grin, and she took her hand back, glad he hadn't tried to hug her again.
"So anyway," she continued, "tell me all about it. Was it everything you expected?"
"Yes and no," Puck replied, shaking his head. "I knew I liked him, right? But he's just so--Kurt. Like, on anyone else, the things he does would drive me batshit crazy. But with him, I just look at him and think, gosh, he's so cute." He smiled ruefully and continued. "I'm not sure why I like him, to be honest. I guess I just do. I'm not in love with him or anything," he stated, looking at her sharply. "But I don't think it would be the end of the world if I was. You know, someday."
"And the kissing?"
"The kissing was awesome. So totally awesome. He does this thing where--"
"Noah," Emma warned.
"Kidding, kidding. I know what you want to hear, though, and I was a little freaked out at first. It all kind of hit me as we pulled up to his house. Like, this was our first date, my first date with a guy, and I knew I wanted to kiss him, but I wasn't sure how. It's easy with a chick. Kurt made me nervous, though."
"Do you think he was nervous?"
"I don't know. Maybe. He wouldn't shut up all night. But--it was nice, in a way. Like, comforting, to hear him speak, even if I did tune a lot of it out."
"You may want to work on that in the future, Noah."
"Yeah, I know. But really, it was pretty amazing."
Emma looked at Puck for a moment. "So why are you afraid?"
Puck glared across the desk. "I'm not afraid. I never said I was afraid."
"Okay, Noah. So what about your next date with Kurt? What are you going to do?"
"Shit. How did you know I was afraid?"
"I know you pretty well, Noah. Let me give you some advice. This is new for both of you. Talk to him. Tell him what scares you, and ask him what scares him. Experience this together."
"That sounds so easy when you say it, Mrs. Pill. But in practice, I just don't know. I'm supposed to be a dude, you know? Dudes don't get scared."
"I see, Noah," Emma answered. "Would you think less of Kurt if he was scared?"
"Of course not!"
"Then why would you think less of yourself?"
"Can we just drop this for now?"
"Sure, Noah. But at least promise me you'll think about it."
"Oh, I don't think I'll stop thinking about it."
*****
Kurt sat next to Mercedes in the music room, carefully watching the door.
"Kurt," Mercedes spoke, turning to look him in the eye, "what are you waiting for? Or who?"
"It's nothing, Mercedes."
"Hell no it ain't nothing! I'm supposed to be your best friend, Kurt. Talk to me."
"'Cedes, I can't. Not right now. I need you to let it go."
"Kurt, are you in trouble?"
"No, I'm not. And I love you, and I'll talk to you about it, but not yet. Please, just trust me on this one."
"Fine. But I'll be watching you."
"I'd expect nothing less."
Mr. Schuester showed up with some new music, and practice began. Kurt wasn't too wrapped up in singing, though, to notice one thing.
Puck didn't show up.
*****
Puck swore. He was standing on Kurt's doorstep, rain pouring down on him because, apparently, God had a sense of humor, and even though he was freezing, he couldn't seem to make himself ring the doorbell.
He'd known skipping Glee would make Kurt think he was freaking out, or ashamed of what they'd done, and if he was honest with himself, neither of those assumptions would have been totally wrong. Speaking with Mrs. Pillsbury that afternoon scared him, and he just didn't want to deal with it for an afternoon. And after running a few miles and downing a couple of beers, he'd realized that talking to Kurt would have been a better plan than cutting him out entirely.
And so here he was, trying to gather the courage to ring the doorbell. He lifted his hand, slowly--
And came face to face with a very pissy Kurt.
"What are you doing here, Puck?"
Puck knew it was a fair question. "I freaked out, and I ran, and I’m sorry."
"Not good enough. Try again."
Puck sighed. "Okay. Last night was one of the best nights of my life. It was a perfect date, and making out with you in the car was pretty damn awesome."
"Noah…"
"And I went home last night, and I was happy. And this morning, I was happy. And then I went to Mrs. P., and she asked me questions, and I didn't know all the answers, and I felt like I couldn't face you in Glee. I got confused, and I lost my self-confidence. I started to think too much, and so instead of talking to you about it, I ran. Literally, something like six miles. And then I went home and drank a couple beers and realized that I was being stupid, and so here I am, on your doorstep, telling you I'm sorry and asking you for another chance."
Kurt stepped aside and motioned for Puck to enter. "Follow me."
Puck had been in Kurt's house, but he hadn't been in Kurt's room. The pristine basement area was unnerving, but not quite surprising. It was very Kurt.
"Here," Kurt said, handing Puck some folded clothes. "The pants will probably be a little short, and the shirt too small, but--"
"It's fine, Kurt. Thank you."
"You can change in the bathroom," Kurt stated, pointing to a door in the corner. "Just leave your wet clothes in the tub for now." He turned his back to Puck and started fiddling with his iPod.
Puck emerged from the bathroom a few minutes later, scrubbing a towel over his head. "You were right, Kurt," he stated, "the pants are okay, but the shirt--well…"
Kurt was staring at Puck, eyes wide and mouth open.
"Kurt?" Puck waked closer, putting a hand on the other boy's shoulder. "Everything okay? Thanks again for the clothes, man. I really--"
Whatever else Puck had to say was swallowed up as Kurt crushed his mouth to Puck's, delving his tongue inside while running his hands over the few inches of exposed abdomen the shirt didn't cover. Puck moaned and wrapped his arms around Kurt, pulling the smaller boy against his chest.
Kurt broke away from Puck's mouth, panting, and started kissing along his jaw.
"Kurt," Puck gasped, "what are you doing?"
"You look," Kurt panted, "so hot right now. Want to do bad things to you. Very, very bad things." His hand drifted down from Puck's abdomen, firmly gripping the other boy's erection.
"God, Kurt," Puck moaned. Kurt's hand was moving at a slow, steady speed on his dick, and it was almost more than he could take.
"Yeah, Noah. So good."
"Kurt, wait," Puck said, pulling back from Kurt's mouth and hand. "We need to talk. Aren't you upset with me?"
Kurt moved in for another kiss. "Not now, Noah."
Puck sat down on the edge of Kurt's bed, legs wide and unashamed. "Kurt, we have to talk about this. Our first date was last night, and I ran away today. Are you sure you want to do this?"
"Noah," Kurt said, and moved to join him on the bed. He brushed up against the other boy's side and looked into his eyes. "I'm just as scared as you are. Just because I'm more out than you are doesn't mean that this is any less frightening for me." Kurt took Puck's hand in his and breathed deeply. "I want this, with you. I want to be with you like this, and I want to be with you as a couple. It's always going to be scary, Noah. Life is scary. It's really scary when you're different."
Puck opened his mouth to protest, and Kurt silenced him, placing two fingers over his lips. "Not wrong. Different. And it's a good kind of different, Noah. It doesn't make us any worse or any better than anyone else." Kurt shifted his fingers to cup Puck's cheek in his hand. "I trust you, Noah. If I didn't mean something to you, you wouldn't have come here. You would have run and kept running and that would have been the end. You stood in the rain on my porch, Noah, and that's enough for me. I trust you, I believe in you, and I want you."
They kissed, softy.
"Is that enough talking for now, Noah?"
"Almost." Puck laid his hand on Kurt's cheek, copying the other man's gesture. "I can't promise I won't get scared again, Kurt. But I promise to come to you when I do. I trust you, I believe in you, and I want you, too."
"Show me, Noah."
*****
V. Dolce (sweetly)
"Hummel."
"Puckerman."
Puck smiled at Kurt, leaning down to kiss his cheek. "Hey, babe. Can I walk you to class?"
Kurt grinned back, turning his head to kiss his boyfriend on the mouth. "I wouldn't have it any other way."
Their fingers entwined, they walked down the hall, lost in their own world, content in each other's company.
And then they were brought back to the immediate, courtesy of some jocks, a few taunts--
--and two ice blue slushies.
Puck and Kurt looked at the jocks, then at each other.
"Well," Puck said, surveying the damage done to Kurt's clothes, "that was fun."
Kurt laughed, and, while holding eye contact with one of the jocks, licked a stripe up Puck's neck. "Blue," he stated loudly, "my favorite."
And covered in ice and blue syrup, they continued down the hall, holding hands and laughing, happy and carefree, caught up in each other, as boyfriends should be.