Third post in a month and it's still cold ffs
I've done lots of things in the last few weeks or days that have lead me to think about the way I build and have relationships.
An acquaintance from twitter has been poking his head round again after I went off him because he was a bit creepy ("I'll always love the stars, we met because of them.") and I've promised myself that I'll face my fear and give him a second chance.
I met up with Mum last week because she was down in London for some work thing, and next time I phoned home she kept trying to keep the conversation going, about the things we'd just discussed that minute, like she thinks we're all pally now that I'm doing OK and I've got my own life.
I made an incredible friend last year, and when she was too touchy feely, I got mixed messages and freaked her and myself out. I can't stop feeling completely attached to her and it's still difficult to draw a line, because when it's warranted (and she's usually very good about that) she's very comforting.
I guess what I'm saying is that there's still a huge Want in my life, and it's not going away. I don't understand how people have romantic relationships and I'm not sure I'll ever feel that kind of love. I read people trying to introduce me to asexuality and aromanticism and stuff, but I don't *want* to be those things.
I'm beginning to think that my behaviours with friends and family have been abusive, mentally or emotionally, and when the time is right I need to go back and say sorry. But I don't have that many healthy relationships in my life, and I've noticed more and more that it feels rude to say no. I feel "no" but I end up saying "could do" or "maybe this instead?" or directing attention to a new option. It means I have difficulty standing up for myself and that means I'm not even at the beginning of knowing a healthy relationship when I see one.
An acquaintance from twitter has been poking his head round again after I went off him because he was a bit creepy ("I'll always love the stars, we met because of them.") and I've promised myself that I'll face my fear and give him a second chance.
I met up with Mum last week because she was down in London for some work thing, and next time I phoned home she kept trying to keep the conversation going, about the things we'd just discussed that minute, like she thinks we're all pally now that I'm doing OK and I've got my own life.
I made an incredible friend last year, and when she was too touchy feely, I got mixed messages and freaked her and myself out. I can't stop feeling completely attached to her and it's still difficult to draw a line, because when it's warranted (and she's usually very good about that) she's very comforting.
I guess what I'm saying is that there's still a huge Want in my life, and it's not going away. I don't understand how people have romantic relationships and I'm not sure I'll ever feel that kind of love. I read people trying to introduce me to asexuality and aromanticism and stuff, but I don't *want* to be those things.
I'm beginning to think that my behaviours with friends and family have been abusive, mentally or emotionally, and when the time is right I need to go back and say sorry. But I don't have that many healthy relationships in my life, and I've noticed more and more that it feels rude to say no. I feel "no" but I end up saying "could do" or "maybe this instead?" or directing attention to a new option. It means I have difficulty standing up for myself and that means I'm not even at the beginning of knowing a healthy relationship when I see one.