"not everyone is going to understand you, and that's okay"
k so since a friend suggested that maybe penning down my thoughts will help, and even though I'm a really shitty writer and this blog probably has readership of 1-2 people i shall post on this phantom blog of mine HAHA. well idk, i guess its just "one of those nights" where everything just hits you, your mind is overwhelmed with thoughts and you really just can't express how you feel and basically you just feel like crap. poop.
This sem started off at a pretty chill pace, with me stepping down from bizad club, so many friends going off to exchange, and with my timetable being pretty empty/different from many of my friends. It was a stark contrast to year 1, where I had so many things going on I didn't even have time to breathe. I was really trying quite hard to get used to suddenly having so much time on my hands, especially since everyone I knew seemed to have so much going on for them (case competitions, hall, dance, cca). But 6 weeks have flew by, and its pretty scary how I'm almost halfway through Year 2. So with so much time, naturally the overthinker in me starts to think. too much. hahaha.
Tonight, I suddenly stopped to think about the past half a sem, and all the questions just BAMMM all at once and overwhelmed me. Or rather, more accurately, many of these questions had frequently popped up in my head over the past few months but it just all hit me at once tonight. Am I living my life right? For instance, have i been filling it up with activities or things I wanna do on my bucket list? Or as shallow as this might sound, things to help my portfolio? Am I studying hard enough to pulll my CAP up this sem? Am I even that good a baker? What do I want to do in the future? Who are my hi-bye friends and who are my real friends? Why am I still failing in my weightloss plans? Why do i feel so unattractive? When will i meet my life partner?
Most importantly, am I happy now? I don't know why, but I just felt pretty helpless and sad at that point, as stupid as that sounds. (maybe its pms hahahahahahhaha)
"Happiness is a state of mind. It is determined not by your circumstances but by you." As easy as it sounds, to really drill that mindset into your head is no easy feat. So, so happened I was whatassping my friend whom by his words says "i don't really know know you" but in any case he really offered a really candid and also pretty apt explanation to many of my doubts and worries, and even if it doesn't solve anything/change the situation it gives me some sort of comfort.
School. CAP does matter. thats the harsh truth of reality. I guess coming from an elite school, ok or rather an elite education all the way from primary school up till even now, I've been so used to...doing well? Not that I haven't had my fair share of failures, but I guess the way the system groomed us is such that we would ultimately be.... somewhere along the front of the bell curve and that things usually work out the way we want them too. And so when my CAP doesn't turn out to be as good as I intended for it to be, I just felt so exasperated. I did study, I did work hard, but why am I not doing well enough? I've been having alot of free time this sem, but I do admit I don't think I've did enough, especially for class particpation. BUT. its never too late and I am trying! But that being said, CAP is important but it is not everything and it doesn't determine who you are so don't let it get you down.
Work. People dream about having a job that they love, and of course, pays well too. Because as much as we are passionate about something, the hard truth is that MONEY DOES MATTER. As much as I love baking, frankly, I don't really see it as my ultimate career path because I don't think taking something you love and turning it into a business/career is the best way to develop this love. As much as I love to bake, I think bake sales/ad hoc orders/occasional parties would be the best avenue for me to channel this love, which I've actually been doing alot of it this sem thanks to having more free time on my hands. That being said, I do still want to find a "proper" job that can offer some sort of balance between passion and money, at least not a job that I hate? I know there's bound to be a tradeoff between doing something I love and doing something that gets me money, and maybe I'm being too idealistic once again, but thats how I am. That being said, i definitely won't stop baking and won't stop trying to improve my skills and explore new recipes and consider any opportunities that may arise.
Friends. Its true that you meet alot of people in university but most of them become hi-bye friends. But that's kind of like life anyway, where people move on to different phases in life and people naturally come and go. i guess what matters is ultimately knowing who are your true friends, and holding them close. That's not to say that you gotta be some overly-attached friend that meets them every week, but friends who you know will be there if you need them and friends that you know will be there at your wedding 10 years down the road (that is if I don't become the weird lonely 30 year old aunt in the family that has no kids but only dogs).
Life Partner. So people always say don't find love, let love find you. hahaha but apparently, my friend thinks its bullshit and that I should go and chase someone if I think he's potential, and that maybe sometimes its not about finding that shiny rock but finding that diamond in the rough and polishing it. Firstly, I don't get why people assume that its me who doesn't want the guy(s) and that there are so many people jio-ing me. HELLO. REALLY ZERO. all bros. HAHAHA. secondly, its not that I don't wanna chase leh its really MEI YOU. maybe its my problem of bro-zoning people way too early or maybe my standards really too idealistic/high, but Idk man, I still believe that you'll know its right when you feel em vibes. AHAHHA. So anyway this shouldn't even be my concern since its pretty much out of my control? And that regardless of whether I have a bf, i should focus on being contented and living for myself, by myself. although I do admit that I do miss/envy my friends who have that special someone to tell everything to, to go to places that rly only couples will go tgt kind lol, and to feel that spark with someone. OH WELL.
Me. I don't deny it, I REALLY FEEL FAT. CHUBBY. ROUND. I HATE MY FACE NOW. And its not that I'm not doing anything about it and sitting at home eating chips and being sedentary on the couch. I exercise 4 times a week, I TRY my best to eat healthy and control, I REALLY DO, but of course I do admit that my diet's pretty fail at times, but I don't know why I just can't lose much weight. (Partly cuz I believe that I'm genetically unblessed with fatgenes as well). Slowly gaining back all that weight I lost in sec 4 playing frisbee and badminton and running with my RI yfc friends. Many of my friends tell me that I'm beautiful the way I am, and that weight rly isn't everything and guys don't always like skinny girls. Yes, that is true, but my weight does bother me, it just does, and I guess the only way to work around this is to NOT stop trying to lose that few kilos (because it will make me feel better and be happier), but at the same time, learn to love myself the way I am and not to get overly affected by it. (because I am still going to have that waffle with ice cream).
I could go on and on about my worries and insecurities, but these are really the key major ones that have been bugging me lately. Won't say they're resolved or I'm feeling A-okay, but I guess sometimes things are just the way they are and we shouldn't bother ourselves with the things we cannot change. And for the things we can, trust your heart that you are doing the right thing and always be thankful/contented but strive for improvement and always treasure the moment and be happy.
GOSH THIS POST IS SO LENGTHY AND INCOHERENT AND IRRELEVANT BUT I JUST NEEDED TO SPELL (SOME OF) MY THOUGHTS OUT.