But "almost" doesn’t count for much//And I still don't know
ts funny how I'm so affected by something that may seemingly be insignificant from an outsider's pov.
Right from the start, I could never really ascertain my state of mind and my feelings especially since I never really felt that I was completely over the past. Not to mention the crazy amount of changes as I entered uni was overwhelming in itself. Each time someone asked this very simple question: "so do you like him?" my answer was always: "I really don't know." I honestly didn't, and I still don't.
Over the last 9 months, I unknowingly allowed myself to slip into this state of dependency on someone again- despite how much I told myself I wanted to remain single and learn how to be independent before I was ready to let anyone new into my life. Despite how small/subtle his actions were, it was a sign of care and attention, one that I could constantly feel before school even started up till winter break. I don't deny, amidst all the teasing and stirring, i did think about the possibilities of how the situation might turn out, how it could've been an "us". But there was always this set of bugging questions that stopped me: What if he wasn't The One? What if I didn't really even like him and it was just because of all the teasing? What if I just liked the feeling of being "chased" and not the person in itself? Maybe if we wait I would be able to have a clearer idea? Maybe its too soon?
So yea, these were uncertainties that stopped me from doing anything further than reciprocating all his efforts as a good friend.
But after all that's been said and done, this sem has been pretty different. For one, he no longer took the bus home with me before walking to clementi to head home. Through the past 10 weeks, I did feel some sort of distancing, and I guess things are really going to stay at "what could've been". I dare say that we had....wasn't really much. Besides the subtle gestures of affection/care, we didn't date, we didn't text incessantly, we didn't even go close to the friendzone man. But why am i so affected? I guess it was this unconscious dependency that I slowly developed over the last sem, and now that he somehow conveys through his actions that he's not interested to go for it anymore, it just suddenly hit me in the face that HEY. YOU'RE ALONE NOW. NOBODY WANTS TO JIO YOU.
I don't think there's anything wrong or anything to be sad about being alone, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that after living with this mindset that I had someone to kinda depend or fall back on, this sudden realisation just leaves me feeling so empty all at once. Its only human nature to enjoy being chased/knowing someone cares, but it is also only human to be tired and expect reciprocation I guess? I honestly don't know why he has made this decision- perhaps he felt that I didn't seem interested? Perhaps he realized through time that I'm not the one? Or perhaps he realized that this is not the right time? I really don't know. I may not ever know. But what I need to do now, is to move on. Move on from the mindset of the "almost". Because almost doesn't count for anything. And because I need to learn to truly be independent and live for myself. No one is ever going to be there for you forever, not even your bestest friends or even your life partner, and I guess its really important to build your life such that you are able to find meaning in things you do, things you're passionate about, and to surround yourself with people, good friends, that make you a better person and add meaning to your life as well.
"Last time when your first bf ask you to be his gf you got think so much meh? He like you you like him then he jio then you sure say yes one right" - that was something someone told me that I felt was so true. Unchained by the shackles of the heartbreak and the complications of love, we didn't think that much, we simply did what felt right. As much as we try to tell ourselves not to let the past affect our future relationships or choices, it inevitably will- we will compare him to our first love, we will think about whether it is worth taking this risk to try, knowing that it may just end up in heartbreak and misery all over again. But maybe one thing I realized is that maybe there really isn't a "right time" to know if someone is the one? Because up till now, my answer is still the same- I still don't know. Maybe its just an excuse we give ourselves sometimes. That being said, there is some truth in the statement that the right people at the "wrong time" may not work as well. I guess its really about cherishing the present and not taking things for granted, and be brave enough to take the first step into something new if you find that feeling, because you wouldn't know until you try.
But whats done is done, and as of now, I will try to break away from that unhealthy mindset that I have lived with since I entered uni and learn to be independent! Life's more than just finding your life partner and before I do meet the right one, I should focus my time and energy on other as important things- treasuring friends and family, pursuing goals and passions, exploring the world and just enjoying my youth. I'm thankful that at least we're still good friends, and who knows what the future may hold for us ;) Hopefully, when the time is right, when I meet the right one, I will KNOW that this is it and not hold back.
Because no matter what happens, I'm braver than what I believe, and I am still so lucky to be loved by so many people (: