Standing in the Light (4/5)
Title: Standing in the Light
Author:
glitterandpaws
Artist: lalala-broadway
Word Count: ~31,700
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Kurt/Blaine, Sugar, Sebastian
Warnings: Mentions of homophobia and bullying
Summary: Each person has their soulmate's name written on the back of their neck, visible only to their destined partner. Blaine moves to New York for his first year at Tisch, full of hope and small-town ideals. He stumbles on Sugar Motta's coffee house, where he meets Kurt. Kurt is Blaine's Pandora's Box, opinionated and a little jaded. But is Kurt the one he's looking for?
~o~o~o~
The city was getting warmer; the fruit in the stalls was brighter, the sun shone for longer as Kurt and I walked through a myriad of parks. Sugar’s frozen coffee sales increased and Kurt’s scarves were thinner, soft and brightly coloured. Summer was settling over the buildings like a lion, yawning and stretching golden over the roofs.
Kurt was beautiful in the sunshine. His eyes glittered, blue and green and a kaleidoscope of shades in between, sparkling in my mind long after I’d left him. Our walks in parks became stretching out on many different patches of grass and summer talk, soft and wandering. He was dangerous like that: he tethered me to him, without meaning to, and I didn’t know how to pull back. Kurt was everything. I didn’t know when it had happened and how to draw away from it, but he was. He would turn his head on the grass, smile at me as the sun threw sweet shadows across his face and bounced light into his eyes, and my breath would catch in my throat.
Sugar would give me looks sometimes, when I watched Kurt leave the shop with a smile on my face, but I ignored her. I wanted to take care of myself, I wanted to look after my own heart. I just wished I knew how.
**
Splash never changed, winter or summer, and my table partner was always the same. I had more time now that the spring musical was over and I’d had my glorious spring break, free in New York with Sugar and Kurt by my side. Finals hadn’t come up on me yet, so I was sitting with Sebastian one afternoon, telling him about the parks Kurt had taken me to in the past fortnight. He was watching me with an infuriatingly blank expression and was silent for a moment after I’d finished speaking.
“Up,” he commanded suddenly, getting to his feet himself. “I’m taking you to dinner.”
“Why?” I asked, draining the last of my coke and following Sebastian out of the bar.
“Because I want to, Curls Magee.”
“But why?”
“Blaine, shut up and let me buy you dinner.”
“We can split it-”
Sebastian stopped abruptly and I bumped into him. “Just go with me on this one, Blaine.”
I took in his narrowed eyes and defensively raised shoulders, and nodded. “Okay.”
“Good boy,” Sebastian said before hailing a cab. He gave the address to the driver and then we were on the road to a place I didn’t know, in silence on either side of the cab. After a few minutes, I heard a small huff from Sebastian and his hand reached out to grip my wrist. I jumped, not expecting the contact, but I didn’t draw back from it. He was extending as much apology as he knew how to give and I wasn’t going to push that away.
We sat down to eat in a restaurant that seemed to sparkle, despite its atmospheric lighting. There was a chandelier dangling from the middle of the large ceiling, slightly at odds with the exposed brick of one of the walls, but it worked somehow. I could tell it was one of the more trendy places of New York, where socialites met for coffee and mavens dined.
“Are you sure you don’t want to split the bill?” I asked, eyes trained on the chandelier. “This seems too much.”
“Please stop worrying about it. Just let me do this.”
I bit my lip, glancing down at my shining cutlery and artfully arranged napkin. I kept trying to avoid the idea that this felt like a date. Sebastian hadn’t said it out loud, but he wasn’t likely to expose himself to my rejection like that, and the whole set up looked that way. The thought itched uncomfortably at the back of my neck: I liked Sebastian, and he was fun to spend time with despite his complete lack of boundaries, but I didn’t want to date him. He knew that. So maybe I was being paranoid, maybe he was just being a friend to me.
I tried to push away the niggling feeling that I was being romanced and attempted to enjoy my meal. It was delicious; I knew that in theory. It was just that the unsettled sensation in my stomach made it tasteless.
Sebastian paid, despite my protests at how expensive even my small meal had been. He put a hand on my back as we left the restaurant, smirking at the wait staff.
“What do you say to a walk?”
“I should really be getting back to my dorm,” I said, trying not to seem too much like I wanted to escape this potential date. “I have an early class tomorrow.”
“Well, I can walk you back to your dorm, right?” He flashed me a grin and took my elbow, guiding me in the right direction. “It’s not too far.”
I couldn’t exactly refuse the offer. Nonetheless, every teen movie that had ever been made was running through my head, with boys walking girls home and kissing them on the doorstep. I refused to think of myself as the girl in this situation, because that really wasn’t the point, but what might be waiting for me at the end of this faux-innocuous walk had my stomach twisting up - and not in the way Andie Walsh’s would have been. (And this analogy was going too far - I, by all rights, should be Blane in this situation.)
We didn’t speak for the few minutes we were walking, and I couldn’t decide whether the silence was uncomfortable or not. Sebastian’s fingers slipped down to wrap around my forearm, holding onto me in a possessive way I wasn’t fond of. He had never been like this before; so tactile and insistent. Well, that was a lie: he had always been forceful, just never in a direction I could have considered romantic. It was kind of disturbing.
“And here we are,” Sebastian said, stopping us outside the dorm building. “Did you have fun?”
“Yeah,” I replied, trying to smile as brightly as I should be. “Thank you so much for buying, you really didn’t have to.”
“I wanted to do something nice for you,” he said, giving an almost-smile and bringing a hand up to brush at the hair above my ear. I had to work very hard not to flinch at the gesture. My heartbeat was picking up, my breaths quickening; I was panicking. Sebastian’s lips were far too close to me and he couldn’t be doing this, he really couldn’t-
The kiss only lasted a few seconds, enough for me to overcome my complete paralysis and step out of it. “Sebastian,” I whispered, “what are you doing?”
“I thought that would be pretty obvious.” He smirked, leaning back into me, but I took a sharp step back. My throat felt like it was closing up and the blood supply to my head must have cut off because I was almost dizzy.
“Don’t.”
“Blaine-”
“Don’t. You know I don’t want you to.”
“Blaine, come on, it’s just kissing,” he said, laughing and reaching out to pull me back against him. I pulled out of his grip, shoving his hands away.
“No.”
“Jesus, Blaine, what’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing - nothing’s wrong with me,” I gasped. It was like he’d punched me in the gut. “I - I have to go.” I turned from him, running down the street, away from my dorm building and towards the one place I could think of to go.
“Blaine,” Kurt said as he opened the door, taking in my shaking shoulders and wide eyes. “Blaine, what’s wrong?”
“H-he kissed me. Sebastian kissed me.”
Kurt put an arm around my back and led me inside. I barely registered the look he shot his roommate, nor the shuffling on the other side of the room as the guy got up and left us alone. I sank into Kurt’s chest, leaning my head on his shoulder. He drew me back towards the bed, sitting us down on it and cradling me in his arms. I squeezed my eyes shut, sliding my arms tight around his waist.
“Did you not want him to?” Kurt asked gently.
“No.”
“Why did he do it, then?”
“We went out for dinner and he… walked me home.”
“So you went on a date with him?”
“It wasn’t - it wasn’t really a date. Not for me. I wasn’t expecting him to…” I pressed my lips together and buried my face in Kurt’s shoulder. His fingers gripped tight into my back, blissfully, comfortingly present.
“Blaine,” he murmured. I felt his fingers stroking through my hair and tilted my head up into the touch. “Was it your first kiss?”
I sighed into his shirt. “I was saving it. It…” The tears had come now, after I’d fended them off for so long. My breath hitched and Kurt’s hand gripped the back of my neck. “It belongs to someone else. He wasn’t supposed to… I didn’t…”
Kurt hushed me, rocking me a little. “It’s okay. I know it was important to you, but I don’t - your guy won’t mind. He’ll have you and that’ll be enough.”
“But it was supposed to be…” I paused, knowing how stupid it was going to sound. “It was supposed to be special.”
“I know.” Kurt’s fingers stroked at my hair again. “I know it was.”
I sniffed again, tears not falling as fast now. I turned my head into Kurt’s neck, breathing him in. The ache in my chest sharpened when I realised how right being held by Kurt that way felt. I was wrapped up in him, in his sweet, Kurt scent and his warmth, and I knew that if it had been him - if he had kissed me, I wouldn’t have been able to make myself upset about it. I wanted Kurt to hold me tenderly, just as he was, and tilt my mouth to press against his. My body burned and groaned with how much I wanted it.
I let out a pathetic sob, helpless against him, and Kurt arms squeezed me tighter.
“Come on,” he said, lips brushing against my forehead. He started to pull away and I whined. “Just wait.” He slipped away from me, off the bed, to kneel on the floor. He started to unlace my shoes, pulling one, then the other, off my feet. I just watched him, arms held around my middle. He gave my ankles a squeeze and pushed himself up. “Lie down.”
I looked up at him, blinking slowly, clearing the last of the tears from my eyes. He stroked my head, then pushed on my shoulder. I let him lie me down on the bed. He flicked the light off, and then climbed over me and curled up behind me, back to the wall. I pulled my hands up to my chest, fists resting against my collarbones as I drew my legs up. I heard Kurt sigh behind me, and then his arm was slipping over my waist. He pressed his chest against my back, holding me close to him again.
“Just relax,” he murmured. “You can sleep now, okay?”
I hummed in reply and gripped his hand where it rested against my stomach, threading my fingers through his. “Thank you.”
“Just sleep, Blaine.”
I closed my eyes, losing myself in the darkness and the warmth of Kurt’s body against mine. My body was so tired, blood beating slowly in its monotonous, exhausted thrum. I felt heaviness settle over my mind, and sank into sleep.
**
I didn’t know whether I dreamed it, or whether I half-woke in the night, but I had the hazy recollection of Kurt behind me in the dark, running his fingertips over the back of my neck and whispering to me words I couldn’t hear in the feather-edged night. His fingertips were warm against my neck, tracing a pattern I couldn’t identify. Dream or a dulled break of slumber, it faded into blackness once more.
When I woke, I could sense that Kurt wasn’t lying beside me. His arm was gone from around my waist and my back was chilled, missing his heat. I blinked groggily, frowning against the light edging around the curtains. The bed on the other side of the room was occupied, a heavily breathing body slumbering beneath the covers.
A flash of movement caught my eye, and there was Kurt, wrapping a scarf around his neck, making it sit just right. I smiled at the sight. He was already fully dressed and meticulously groomed, covered from neck to wrist to ankle in his trademark layers, hair teased high. His gaze lifted, catching mine, and a softness pooled in his eyes, making them sparkle deep blue in the half-dark. My stomach fluttered; I blinked at him.
“Morning,” he whispered, mindful of his sleeping roommate.
“Hi.” I yawned and heard Kurt let out a breath of a laugh as I stretched, toes pointing down to the end of the bed and back clicking.
“Breakfast?” he asked, accompanied by the sound of him opening one of his drawers. A pile of fabric landed on my stomach, startling me a little. I picked it up and it fell apart into two items: a soft, white t-shirt with small detail on the right shoulder, and a pair of magenta boxers. “Thought you’d like the colour,” Kurt said.
I blushed, smiling a little, and pulled myself up with the clothes clutched to my chest. “I’ll… go to the bathroom.”
Wearing Kurt’s clothes was stranger than it should have been. Perhaps it was because we had slept so intimately the night before, but putting on a t-shirt that smelled like him, a pair of boxers that he had worn at some point (I didn’t care if they’d been washed four times, they were still Kurt’s underwear), felt domestic, almost pervasive. There’s something possessive about sharing clothes, something connected and deliberate about it. It’s a stamp of we are important to each other whether the outside world can tell or not.
Kurt’s eyes grew wide when I came out of the bathroom to find him waiting in the almost-living room. I assumed he was feeling the same thing I was; that same strange link that clothes gave us, however material it was. It wasn’t exactly the same, I was sure, because Kurt didn’t have the same confusing twist of emotions towards me that I did him. In his eyes, I was his friend. But friend or not, I felt like I had been claimed.
Kurt handed me my shoes, which I pulled on. “It suits you,” he said, plucking at the shirt. “Maybe I should let you keep it. I don’t wear it that much, anyway.”
“Kurt Hummel, did you palm a piece of unwanted fashion off on me?”
He pushed on my stomach, laughing. “Stop it. What do you want for breakfast? Or should we just give in and go to Sugar’s?”
“We need to get out more. I swear we live there.”
“But so does Sugar. Isn’t that reason enough?” he asked, walking us down the stairs and out onto the street. “We should go somewhere new. I think I know a place, okay?” I nodded, letting Kurt lead us off down the road. A couple of minutes later, he stopped us outside what seemed to be a mixture between a café and a restaurant. “They have the most amazing Eggs Benedict.”
I hummed appreciatively and pushed the door open. The warmth and smell of hot food hit me and I grinned. Kurt pressed a hand to my back, nodding at the waitress and gesturing at a table for two. He guided me towards it while I tried to calm my fluttering breath at the heat of his palm against my back. Kurt made it so difficult sometimes.
Our plates arrived with a flourish, a fresh sprinkle of parsley, and a small moan of anticipation from Kurt’s mouth. After the first bite, I thought I understood.
“I think breakfast is my favourite meal,” I said, gazing at my plate as though it was the light of the world.
“Join the club.”
I looked up at Kurt. “Was that a not-so-carefully-veiled 80s reference?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Kurt said, cutting into his food. “Are you okay?” I nodded, pointing at my food as if in explanation. “No, I mean really. You worried me yesterday.”
“I was hoping you’d just forget that happened,” I said, fingers sliding around my glass of orange juice. “I feel ridiculous now.”
“Why would you say that?”
“Because I know how you feel about my beliefs. The idea of me saving things is silly to you.”
“No.” Kurt took my hand across the table. “Blaine, listen, I know it seemed that way, and I’m so sorry for that, but didn’t you listen to me before? You change the way I think, Blaine. You make me see the world in ways I didn’t before, and even if I haven’t kept things sacred the way you do, I can see why you do it.”
I squeezed his fingers, trying to convey how much that meant to me through that tiny gesture, and then slid my hand away. I needed a little distance if I was going to keep my head. “It wasn’t even good.”
Kurt’s lips twitched. “No?”
I shrugged. “It only lasted a couple of seconds. They were pretty uninspiring, as seconds go.”
“No fireworks?”
“Not even a spark.”
Kurt laughed and it lit up his whole countenance so he was radiant in the morning sunlight. “Well, hopefully the next one will be much more… inspiring.”
I scrunched my nose up at his words, taking another bite of my food. “God knows how far away that is.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Really, Kurt, you think my soul mate is just going to wander into Sugar’s one day and everything’s going to be perfect? I used to think that way, but I guess I’ve been in New York too long. I’m getting cynical.”
Kurt was frowning deeply, lips parted slightly in a displeased expression. “You shouldn’t let that happen, Blaine. This city is wonderful, but it’s not worth losing yourself in it. Your beliefs, what you want from life, they’re what make you you. I don’t want you changing that just because you don’t think you’ve met the right guy yet.”
“It’s not a question of thinking. It’s a question of knowing. If I’d met him, I’d be kissing him right now, not crying over some other guy attacking my mouth.”
I stabbed at my food again, taking large, vicious bites of it. It was only when I had almost cleared my plate that I realised Kurt hadn’t replied. I looked up to find him glaring at something out of the window, his breakfast abandoned and probably cold by now. “Kurt?”
He looked at my plate. “Are you done? We should leave.”
“But you’ve barely touched yours.”
“I’m suddenly not hungry,” he said, with a cool edge to his voice that I didn’t like. I took the last bite of my meal and he threw his napkin on the table, summoning a waitress. He tried to cover the bill, but I had had enough of that for the week and insisted on paying for my own meal. We left the restaurant far more distant that we had entered it, Kurt walking at least a foot away from me, gaze trained off in the distance.
“Did I say something wrong?” I asked when the silence had stretched for too long.
“You should take the subway from here,” Kurt said. “It’s the quickest way back to your building.”
“Kurt, please talk to me.”
“Just go home, Blaine,” he said, nodding his head towards the subway entrance. I glanced at it, then back at him. I wrapped my arms around him before he could protest, holding his stiff body against mine.
“Thank you for taking care of me.” I gave him a squeeze and heard him let out a heavy sigh, and then his arms were wrapping around my neck. I smiled into his shoulder, letting us stay there for a minute, just embracing each other, before I stepped back from him. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”
Kurt nodded, smiling gently, and leaned to press a kiss to my cheek. He pushed me to the subway stairs and I stumbled down them, forcing myself not to lift a hand to my cheek and press my fingers to where Kurt’s lips had been. It was just a kiss on the cheek, perfectly friendly, nothing to get excited about.
My body hadn’t got the memo; my heart was fluttering so fast I feared an aneurysm. I didn’t know how much longer I could keep up this dance with Kurt, with him giving me more and then taking it back until I was dizzy with it. I was on a rollercoaster, strapped in and unable to get off.
I needed to stop. I needed to step away and stay away, let my heart heal over and forget and remember - remember Kurt, my friend; Kurt, my best friend.
When Kurt told me his father had planned a family holiday to Canada for the whole summer vacation, making meeting up impossible, I took it as fate giving me my get-out clause and was thankful for it.
**
Ohio hadn’t changed. The children skating in my street were the same, if a little taller. The same women were watering their gardens and collecting their mail. My parents ate dinner at the same time and had the same conversations.
“How’s it feel to be back, son?” my dad asked me, patting me on the shoulder as we sat down to dinner my first night at home.
I looked up at him, and then my mother. They both watched me with expectant faces, kind smiles. I could say it was exactly the same as it always was, that it was boring and claustrophobic; I could tell them all about New York and how much I loved it; I could talk about Kurt and Sugar and even Sebastian. “It feels good. I missed you guys.”
My mother grinned at me and served me another spoonful of peas. “We missed you, too, darling. How are the classes going?”
I told her bland things, talked a little about the spring production. In minutes I was eating in silence as my parents discussed the neighbours. A whole year in the most exciting city in the world and I hadn’t kept them interested for more than three hundred seconds. Things really didn’t change in this town.
“Did you meet anyone while you were out there?”
I jumped at being addressed directly, looking up from my plate. “It’s a big city, Mom. I met loads of people.”
“Don’t be difficult, Blaine,” my father said.
“Sorry, I don’t… Oh, you mean-”
“Anyone special?”
I blinked and Kurt’s face was painted on the back of my eyelids. “No. No, he hasn’t shown up yet.”
My mother winced at the pronoun. “That’s a pity. It’s bound to happen sometime, though. You never know, you might find someone right here, in your home town.”
“I’ve met every gay guy in this town, Mom - not that there’s many.”
“Blaine,” my father chimed it, warning in his voice. “Not now.”
I looked between the two of them, at my mother staring resolutely at her plate and my father with his nostrils flared. I turned away, back to my food. “The chicken’s really good, Mom. I’ve missed your cooking.”
“Thank you, sweetheart.”
**
I came down to dinner in my last week of vacation to find a girl about my age sitting beside my mother, her blonde hair swept up into a French roll and the pretty pink of her dress bringing out the green of her eyes. She was beautiful, smiling sweetly as my mother served her carrots.
"Blaine," my mother said when she saw me. "Do you remember Quinn Fabray? You two used to go to Sunday school together."
I looked between Quinn, whose smile had faltered, and my parents.
"Mom, can I speak to you privately for a minute?"
"What's wrong, darling?"
"Please, can we-?"
"Just say it, Blaine," my dad cut in. "You can tell us all if you have something you want to say."
I glared at him and shot Quinn an apologetic look. "You think I don't know what you're doing. I'm sorry, Quinn, I'm sure you're a lovely girl, but I'm gay, Mom. This string of pretty Ohio girls you've been having to dinner is not going to change that so please just give it up. I know what you're doing and believe me, it's not going to work."
"Blaine," she hissed, glancing at Quinn, who was staring at her plate. I could see a little smile on her face, but I was too angry to make anything of it.
"I'm going for a walk," I said, striding out of the house, ignoring my mother calling my name. I walked three blocks at top speed, arms crossed tight over my body before slumping down on a wall outside one of the houses. I dropped my head into my hands and let out a heavy, long breath through my teeth.
"You were right to stand up to them."
I jumped, looking up to find Quinn standing there, arms crossed and smiling slightly. She took a seat beside me on the wall.
“How did you get out of there?”
“I told them I was going to comfort you, see if I could make you see the light or something.” She arched her eyebrows to indicate exactly how she felt about that point of view.
"They don't mean to hurt me," I told her. "It’s just hard for them, sometimes, to accept me. It’s easier to pretend I never came out.”
“They can’t avoid it forever.” She bumped her shoulder against mine. “You’re going to find your man one day and they’re going to have to let you bring him over for dinner.”
“I know.” I smiled at her, but a little part of my heart was aching. My smile twisted. “I don’t know how soon that’s going to be, though. It’s such a game of chance, I think I lose hope sometimes.”
“Don’t,” she said, sliding her hand over mine and curling her fingers around it. She watched our fingers, a deep sadness in her eyes I didn’t understand. “Don’t lose hope. You’ll always find your way, you just have to believe that. No matter how many people pass you by in life and aren’t the person you’re - aching for, you’ll find them. Just have faith.”
I flipped my hand over and wound our fingers together. “Thank you, Quinn.” She nodded, not raising her eyes; they were still dark with something I wished I knew her well enough to ask about. “And for what it’s worth,” I stage whispered, “I’d have chosen you over all the other girls my mom’s had to dinner.”
She laughed, just like I’d hoped she would, and looked up at me as the storm clouds cleared from across her irises. “It’ll happen for you, Blaine,” she said. “Don’t ever doubt that.”
**
The moment I stepped through the arrivals gate, Sugar took a running jump into my arms, wrapping her legs around my waist and screaming unintelligibly into my ear. I turned my head into her neck and breathed in the smell of coffee and candy that had come to feel like home to me.
“I missed you,” I said, talking over her stream of gibberish words.
She dropped back to her feet, sliding an arm around my waist and leaning into me as she walked me down towards the crowd of people waiting for their loved ones. “Not as much as I missed you.” She squeezed me tight to her side. “I brought someone with me.”
Kurt stepped out of the crowd, face cracking open with a radiant smile. He held his arms out to me and I nearly paused, I nearly stopped myself, but he tilted his head and his grin got impossibly wider, and then I was running into his embrace, my bag clattering to the airport floor. Kurt gathered me up in his arms, laughing against my cheek as I collided with him, falling right into his sunshine warmth. I grabbed at his back, hands scrabbling to pull him closer, and Kurt’s laugh was like silver in my ears, making my own laugh build up and spill out of my mouth.
“It’s so good to see you,” Kurt said when we pulled apart. He stroked his hands up and down my arms, eyes shining.
“I missed you,” I rushed out before I could stop myself.
Kurt blinked, his expression softening and his eyes pulling me into an intimate moment as we simply watched each other, learning again the sight of each other.
“You can have a staring contest in the car,” Sugar’s voice broke in, shattering the moment. She shooed us outside and into one of her cars, both of us blushing. I avoided Kurt’s eyes in the car, despite Sugar’s words, and looked instead at the city outside the window, letting Kurt and Sugar’s voices wash over me. I smiled as the Chrysler building came into the view and my heart slid in my chest, settling back into place. This was home.
**
“And here it is!” Kurt threw open the door to his new apartment, grinning widely. I stepped inside, glancing back at him with a smile to match his.
“You even have a hallway.”
“I know, I’m moving up in the world.” He laughed, putting a hand on my back and leading me into the living space. The apartment wasn’t huge, but it was a definite improvement and it made Kurt glow with pride. It was all his, no roommates, and he’d been saving a whole year for the rent. He’d got where he wanted to be. He’d managed it.
“It’s amazing, Kurt,” I said as he led me around, talking a mile a minute and gesticulating without ever dropping his smile.
“And it’s all mine,” he replied with a reverential tone. He laughed again and grabbed my hands. “Look, my living room has enough room for dancing.” He twirled me around and I went with him, his happiness infectious. He released me and went over to his CD player, putting on some music and coming back to me. He held out a hand. “May I have this dance?”
Without hesitation, I placed my hand in his and let him pull me close. We swayed and stepped in time to the music, spinning each other and Kurt dropped me into a dip at one point. He span me away from him, then reeled me back in and I stumbled, stepping right into his personal space and pausing there, breathing his air and staring right into his smiling eyes.
I had been pushing my feelings for Kurt away for so long. The summer hadn’t dulled them like I’d hoped, but intensified them. Seeing Kurt again was like a tsunami, crashing wave upon earth-shaking wave of emotion.
We weren’t destined to be together, I knew that. He had seen the back of my neck enough times to know that his name wasn’t etched across it, and I was only just realising how much that ached. I wanted to be that person for him, and I wanted him to be that for me. I could imagine spending the rest of my life with him, never running out of things to say or laugh about. He would hold me at night, kiss the back of my neck and talk softly into my ear, fingers tracing little patterns across my stomach. I would reach over and lace our fingers together in the coffee shop and Kurt would pause in whatever he was saying just to gaze at me, giving that half smile that made my whole body hum.
Kurt’s fingers stroked up and down my biceps and I shuddered in a breath. I loved him. I shouldn’t; it couldn’t last, but I loved him all the same. For the first time, I didn’t want to meet that person branded with my name. I only wanted to see Kurt smile every day for the rest of my life. I wanted to be there to make it happen.
Kurt tilted his head at me and I came back to myself, finding that I’d been staring at him. We were standing far too close, our knees knocking together and the heat from Kurt’s body spilling over onto my skin. I shivered in his arms and he frowned.
“Are you cold?”
I shook my head, eyes still locked on his. I had always noted Kurt’s eyes, always known they were the window to him; but I hadn’t known just how quickly they could drive every coherent thought out of my head.
“Blaine, are you o-”
I cut him off with my lips. I just darted forward and kissed him, unable to hold back from it. His lips were soft against mine, softer than I’d even expected. He was frozen for a moment, just long enough for me to realise what I was doing and start to draw back. All of a sudden, Kurt’s arms hooked around my shoulders, pulling me in as his lips pressed against mine and I realised with a jolt and a sharp breath through my nose that he was kissing me back.
I lost myself then, somewhere between the smooth, sweet taste of Kurt’s lips, the hot swipes of his tongue, and the warmth of his body pressed up against mine, sliding and slotting as though it was meant to be there. We fit together, wrapped up in each other, and it blinded me. The tip of Kurt’s tongue pressed my lips apart, dipping inside to slide against my own, drawing a moan out from deep in my chest. Kurt sighed against me, fingers curling into my hair and tugging, pulling me away and towards him all at once.
We broke apart, stopping with our lips just brushing against each other so I could feel Kurt’s ragged breaths colliding with my own. There was the tiny kiss of Kurt’s eyelashes against my cheek as his eyes fluttered, and I could taste the smile edging onto his lips. I could feel the contentment beating out of him with the thrum of the heart in his chest, pressed tight to mine; but as blood started to flow more normally through my veins, I couldn’t return it.
The kiss had been perfect. It was everything I had stopped myself from dreaming of; better. But that made it ache all the more. Kurt wasn’t meant for me. I couldn’t share kisses like that with him for all eternity because there was someone out there who was waiting for kisses of his own, for the whole of my heart in his hand. I could feel a clawing in my chest as I pushed myself away from Kurt, pulsing out in aches through my limbs. He was right there, all that I wanted, but I couldn’t have him.
“Blaine?” In my peripheral vision, I saw him tilt his head and his hand came up to take my own. I stepped back.
“I can’t - Kurt, I…”
“What is it?” He took my face between his palms, guiding my gaze up to meet his own. He shushed me, brushing at the tears under my eyes that I hadn’t noticed were falling. “What’s this for?”
I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to ignore the wrenching sensation in my chest. “I can’t do this.”
He paused, then spoke with a quiet urgency, fingers brushing through my hair, trying to soothe me. “Why? Because we’re not ‘destined’? Blaine, you know I don’t believe in that.”
“But I do,” I choked, finally opening my eyes again to find him watching me, pupils wide. “I wish I could be like you and not care, because I want to be with you, Kurt, so badly. But I can’t. You’re not - you’re not him. You’re not for me.”
“But I am,” he hissed, hands and gaze clutching at me. “I am, Blaine, can’t you see that? You kissed me. There’s something there - more than something.”
“There is, but it’s not…” I shuddered in a breath around the build up in my chest, clawing now at the backs of my ribs, scraping at the bones. “It’s not enough.”
Kurt dropped his head. I saw a tear fall from his eyes to the floor as his hands slipped to rest on my shoulders. I wanted desperately to hold him, to wrap him up in my arms and kiss it all away, but the back of my neck itched and I stopped myself.
“I love you. Is that not enough?”
“Kurt.” I grabbed at his wrists, closing my eyes against how much this hurt. “Don’t say that.”
“I’m not going to lie about how I feel, Blaine. Not to myself and not to you. You can stay deluded all you want, but I can’t.”
“I’m not deluded.” He didn’t get it. He thought I was pretending I didn’t feel what I felt, but he was so wrong. I felt it through every cell in my body and it utterly ached. I knew how much I loved him and I knew that I could never be with him. I couldn’t take him in my arms and let us be in love, only for one of our soul mates to find us when we were at our happiest and shatter us. I wouldn’t do that to Kurt. There could be nothing worse.
I could remember my friend Wes in high school, least romantic guy in the world. He had a girlfriend, someone he enjoyed spending time with, someone he fell in love with. When he was eighteen, a girl in the street tapped him on the shoulder and span to show him her neck. Wes had tried to hold his relationship together, but after a week everything fell apart. He couldn’t deny himself his soul mate; he couldn’t turn his soul mate away. He had to break two hearts to be with her, but there was no other way to turn. I couldn’t become that person to Kurt, and it was inevitable. No matter how much I loved him, there was someone else I would one day love more. I couldn’t keep Kurt around for as long as I wanted him, only to drop him when my ‘something better’ showed up.
I wasn’t deluded at all; I wasn’t kidding myself. I knew how I felt and that was the worst of it.
“I feel for you, Kurt, so much. I don’t want to end up hurting you.”
“How are you hurting me by loving me?” he gasped, blinking up at me, fingers digging into my shoulders.
“There’s someone else I need to love.”
“There isn’t!”
I shook my head, kissed his forehead, and stepped away from him. “I have to leave.”
“Blaine, listen to me.”
I turned from him, striding to the door of the apartment and pulling it open, Kurt following. I was desperate to escape before he could turn me back, speak to me and break me down. If he tried to kiss me again, I would be powerless to him, but it would only ache more.
I didn’t want him to see me when I broke down.
“Blaine, please.”
“Don’t think that this doesn’t hurt me,” I said over my shoulder. “I’ll miss you.”
Kurt made a final sound of protest, but I blocked it out as I stepped out of the apartment, shutting the door firmly behind me.
**
Sugar had moved all of my things into her apartment. My room was covered in my own possessions, but it didn’t yet feel like mine. I burrowed into my new bed, tears still fresh from the journey from Kurt’s, and curled up under the covers. I pulled them up to my nose and sobbed into the thick fabric.
He didn’t leave me for long. An hour, and there was a knock on the front door. I knew it was him, it couldn’t be anyone but him. I wanted to stay in my bed, stare at my things on the bedside table and the pattern of light on the wall and ignore him.
My heart twinged and I got out of bed to open the door.
Kurt’s eyes were red and he was wringing his hands together. “Please can I come in? I just need to talk to you.”
I nodded and let him step into the apartment, following him to the living space. He faced me, hands quivering before he clasped them together. “I wish you hadn’t run out like that. There are so many things I need to say.”
“You can’t change this, Kurt.”
“I can,” he said, voice surer. “I can, I promise.”
“Kurt, please don’t do this to me. We can’t be together. I can’t be with you when I know there’s a time limit on us. I-I love you too much for that.”
“But there isn’t,” Kurt said. He hesitated only for a moment, but then he was stepping towards me, hands cupping my face. He stared into my eyes, bold and unapologetic, with tears clinging to his lashes. “There’s no one else for us.”
“I don’t know why you’re doing this.” I wanted to look away, the openness of his gaze too much for me, but he was holding me tenderly, keeping me tethered to him.
“You feel it, Blaine, don’t deny it.”
I closed my eyes, more tears slipping out onto my cheeks. “I can’t. I want to, I want to believe you’re meant for me, but it’s not true. You know that. You’ve seen the proof of it so many times.”
“No,” Kurt said in a low voice, as though it ached to say it. “No, I haven’t.”
I opened my eyes, frowning up at him as he let his hands fall to his sides. He sighed, then began to unwrap the scarf around his neck. It was one I’d seen before, one of his favourites for warmer weather. Silk, geometric pattern. It always lay just right around his neck, seeming more to rest and accentuate than hide.
It was with a jolt that I realised I’d never seen Kurt’s neck uncovered. There was always a scarf, a high collar or a turtleneck. Always something barring his skin from view.
“What are you doing?”
Kurt slipped the scarf from around his neck, letting it slide through his fingers onto the floor. “The third time we met, Sugar had turned the heat up, you remember?” I just stared at him, so he carried on. “You took your scarf off because we were burning up in there. Then you leaned over to put it in your bag. You had to turn your back to me.”
“Kurt.”
Kurt took a breath, then turned around.
Next