Standing in the Light (2/5)
Title: Standing in the Light
Author:
glitterandpaws
Artist: lalala-broadway
Word Count: ~31,700
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Kurt/Blaine, Sugar, Sebastian
Warnings: Mentions of homophobia and bullying
Summary: Each person has their soulmate's name written on the back of their neck, visible only to their destined partner. Blaine moves to New York for his first year at Tisch, full of hope and small-town ideals. He stumbles on Sugar Motta's coffee house, where he meets Kurt. Kurt is Blaine's Pandora's Box, opinionated and a little jaded. But is Kurt the one he's looking for?
~o~o~o~
“He’s hot,” Sugar said, setting a few cups on the drying rack. I tilted my head at her, draining the last dregs from a take away cup. “Kurt,” she explained, raising her eyebrows at me. “He’s super hot.”
“Oh. I - yeah.” I blushed, looking down at the counter.
She ooh-ed, tapping me on the top of the head. “You like him.”
“Sugar.”
“You do. You kept laughing at everything he said.”
“Well, he’s a very funny guy,” I quipped, glaring up at her playfully.
“A very funny guy you would very much like to go out with.”
I stood up, grabbing my jacket and slipping it on. “You’re not going to let this go, are you?”
“Not a chance. Want me to text you next time he’s in?”
“Sugar,” I said with a laugh. “You’re ridiculous.”
“I’m looking out for your best interests here. You’re not letting a hunk like that walk away.”
“I don’t think ‘hunk’ is the word I’d use.”
“Oh, what would you say? ‘He’s so dreamy. He’s gorgeous. He has the most beautiful eyes, Sugar, they’re like sunshine on the ocean. And his teeth. Who knew teeth could be so amazing? And his ears-’”
“Stop!” I chucked my empty cup at her. “Okay, he’s hot. Can we stop now?”
“Only if you promise to say yes when he asks you out.”
“He’s not going to ask me out.”
“You really think you were the only one laughing like a thirteen year old girl? I know for a fact you’re not that funny, Blaine. He likes you.”
I frowned at her dig, but I let it slide. “Can you just leave it alone, Sugar? If anything happens, which I’m not saying it’s going to, I want it to be natural.”
“You’re making it sound like I’m an interfering kind of girl.”
“Oh, because you’re not?” I teased. She pouted at me, so I reached over the counter to pull her into a hug. “Thank you.”
“What for?” she asked as we pulled back. “I thought I was being annoying.”
“You’re a good friend, Sugar. I know you’re just looking out for me.”
“You bet I am. Can’t have you dying sad and alone while I watch.”
I smiled; grabbed my bag from the floor. “I’ll be in tomorrow.”
“You’d better be,” she called, already retreating to the back room, pulling at the bow of her apron as she went. I watched her go, smile still lingering, then made my way out of the coffeehouse.
**
From: Sugar
There’s a present waiting for you
To: Sugar
If you’ve put a bow on Kurt’s head I might have to defriend you.
From: Sugar
No! Although he’d look totally cute. You coming?
To: Sugar
Give me 20.
**
The “present” was Kurt’s phone number. Sugar gave it to me with a squeal and a bounce that nearly toppled her off her high heels. “He left it for you.”
“Really? Are you sure you didn’t torture it out of him?”
She shrank back from handing me another free coffee, taking it away and putting back by the machine.
“No, Sugar, I was joking.” I reached for the coffee. “I need it.”
“Addict.”
“Please, it tastes so good. Nobody makes it like you do.”
She raised her eyebrows at me and I gave her winning smile. She laughed, handing me the cup, which I took greedily. “You’d better call him, though. Otherwise no more free coffee for you.”
“I feel guilty anyway. I’m pretty sure I’m causing you a deficit.”
She pushed the piece of paper with Kurt’s number at me again. “Call him. He wants you to. That’s all the payment I need.”
“What about my love?”
She shrugged with a carefully indifferent expression.
“What about my Oscar speech, when I say you were the one who got me there? That you’re the real winner of that award and you’re the platonic love of my life?”
She grinned. “That pays for the Pride Parades. Kurt pays for the coffee.”
**
“Sorry I’m late.” Kurt dropped onto the bench beside me, a cup of coffee in each hand and colour high in his cheeks. “I bring apologetic coffee.”
I closed my book and took the coffee with a smile at his out of breath state. “You didn’t have to do that.”
“No, I did. I don’t even have a good reason for being late.” I raised my eyebrows in question as I took a sip of coffee - the perfect temperature. I noted with a warm hum in my chest that Kurt knew my order. “I’m doing the walk of shame.”
“The what?” I asked, tilting my head at him.
“The - the walk of shame, Blaine,” he repeated. I just shook my head. “It’s - oh, god - it’s what you do after a one night stand. You leave in last night’s clothes with your tail between your legs.”
I felt something drop heavy in my stomach. I’d made the assumption that Kurt was a virgin. He hadn’t met his soul mate, so he couldn’t have had sex, by my reasoning. I forgot, sometimes, how Ohio I was. People where I came from were celibate until destiny was found, and those who weren’t were the kind of people my mother wouldn’t invite through the front door. I had known New York would be different, but I was still stuck in my small town mindset. It was like Kurt had sinned; no matter that I didn’t believe premarital sex sinful. I couldn’t see any reason for being with anyone who wasn’t your soul mate.
“Blaine?”
I blinked, finding Kurt watching me with wide eyes, cheeks flaming.
“I’m sorry,” I said, “I’ve just never met anyone who… does that before.”
“You mean has sex with people other than their soul mate?”
I nodded, looking down at my hands. I wondered if this would be it, then. If Kurt would write me off as too green to associate with him and his wily, New York ways.
“I don’t do it often.” I heard a defensiveness in his tone that made me want to shrink back into the bench. I shook my head, trying to agree with him. “I had a boyfriend last year, and other than him, this is only guy. It’s the first time I’ve done it as a one-time thing. That’s so much more normal here, believe me.”
“I know,” I replied, “it just shocked me a bit. Not you personally,” I hastened to confirm, looking up at him once more, “just the idea. I knew it happened, I’ve just never…”
“Seen it in action?”
I wrinkled my nose, letting myself laugh a little bit. Kurt smiled in return, nudging his shoulder against mine, body warm in the face of the winter air.
“So you’ve never…” He blinked up at me from under his eyelashes, making the butterflies in my stomach flutter to life. I blushed, looking away.
“No. I haven’t found a person to share that with yet.”
“Let me guess: you have one very specific guy in mind.”
“Something like that.”
Kurt’s hand came to rest on my forearm and I switched my gaze to it, still unable to look at him straight on. “I think that’s sweet, Blaine. It might not last, but it’s a nice idea.”
The words struck me somewhere I didn’t understand; somewhere dark and scratched. I felt tears building up in my eyes before I realised why they were there. Kurt seemed to have the power to toss everything I wanted aside with a few words; all of the ideals and dreams I had built over the years, he could break them down as and when he wished. He could tell me I would be giving up my body to someone I couldn’t love in no time, as if it were normal. I’d never met anyone who could make me feel so young before; make all my dreams so insignificant.
Kurt’s fingers tightened around my forearm. “Blaine, are you - did I upset you?”
I wiped at my eyes with the back of my hand. “How can you just say that? Just tell me I’m going to change everything I believe in as soon as I realise how stupid it is.”
“I didn’t mean-”
“But that’s what you think. You think I’m naive and idealistic, and that I’m stupid to still believe in the things that I do. But why should I have to change? Maybe I don’t want to be jaded like you. I believe there’s someone out there who is perfect for me and I trust that I’m going to find them and spend my life with them. I don’t see how there’s anything wrong with that. It’s come true for so many people, and yet you’re acting like I’m living in a childish dream world or something.” I brushed at my eyes again, willing the tears to stop so I could cease feeling so young and foolish. “And maybe it is stupid, but it’s what I believe in, and I don’t think you should get down on me for that.” I sniffed, pushing myself off the bench with my apology coffee still clutched in one hand. “I think I’m going to go. I have some work to do for tomorrow.”
“Blaine.” Kurt reached up to take my arm, but I stepped back from him.
“Please don’t. I’ll… see you in Sugar’s, I guess.”
I turned away from him, pulling my coat tighter around my body as the wind swept across me.
Perhaps it was childish to run away. A part of me accepted that, and knew I was just playing into Kurt’s perceptions, but I allowed myself the indulgence. I hadn’t expected this in New York: someone trivialising my beliefs, attacking who I was, however inadvertently. I’d had enough of that in Ohio. Wasn’t that one of the reasons I’d got out of there? To avoid this? I realised that I truly must have been naive if I thought people didn’t have prejudices in New York. They were there, just of a different constitution. There was snobbery, there was jaded superiority and there were self-imposed class divides. Society was always the same. Just because people weren’t abusing me for my sexuality, didn’t mean they couldn’t find something else to attack.
I walked the route back to the dorms on autopilot, my mind wrapped up in hurt and anger, and the beginnings of embarrassment. It was only when I was outside the building that I noticed where I was. I crossed my arms over my chest to ward off the cold and turned out to the street. I didn’t want to lock myself away and mope. I couldn’t stew over Kurt like I had any claim over him. Because that was the real problem, I knew that. I was humiliated by being so clueless in front of Kurt because I desperately wanted him to like me. It made it hurt all the more when he muddied my beliefs. Everything was more acute when it came to him.
I tucked my scarf into my coat to keep the heat in and started off down the street. I didn’t have the money on me for a cab and there was no way I was taking the subway when I didn’t know my destination. I’d end up stuck under a bridge in Wisconsin, most likely. The most obvious choice would be Sugar’s, but I might run into Kurt and that completely defeated the point of flouncing off in the first place (because I was coming to accept that flounce was exactly what I had done). And while I loved Sugar dearly, I wanted something else. Something outside of the tiny life I’d been building for myself. This was the city of dreams: I couldn’t just stick with what was comfortable if I ever wanted to truly be a part of it.
I would never quite be sure what led me to enter a gay bar, but as I sipped a Diet Coke and stared around the small place, I didn’t think I was exactly regretting it. I was out there in a way I’d never been in Ohio. I was sitting in a room with guys in leather breeches, I couldn’t think of many things more gay. It was the middle of the day, so the place wasn’t exactly crowded, but there were still people there, and one couple kissing on a pair of bar stools. I tried not to stare at them. I’d seen guys kiss before, but those had either been on a screen or in a crowd at a party, almost obscured. I had to work hard to stop glancing over.
Most of the patrons were just regular guys, with the leather slacks being one of the few exceptions. (And besides, I could appreciate them.)
I hadn’t been expecting anyone to approach me. It was shock enough that people actually looked at me in that dark little bar. Guys would give me a second glance, or watch me from across the room. People were interested. I’d never had that back home, and I was thrilled and a little disgusted when I found that I enjoyed it. I’d seen a few people looking at me in Tisch, but everyone was still focusing on the first semester and most of those guys were insane, anyway. It had never been so concentrated. This place was designed for it.
The longer I sat there, hands clutching my innocent drink, the more unsure of myself I was becoming. Maybe I only believed in waiting because I’d never had options before. I’d had no one to play with, so I’d taken myself off the field entirely. Was I just sheltered? I didn’t want to do what Kurt had, but maybe now that I was here, surrounded by so many people who wanted me, I wouldn’t be able to hold onto myself.
I was about to leave when a guy slipped into the booth opposite me. “Hi, gorgeous.” He gave me a small smirk, glancing at my drink. “Underage?”
“You don’t look much older than me,” I replied. And he didn’t. His hair was teased up slightly, lips split in an oddly condescending grin that highlighted the feral glint in his eye. It made my stomach twist up, but I couldn’t tell whether it was from excitement or apprehension.
“If you’re under twenty-one, we’re in the same ball park. I’m just better at faking my age, obviously.” He toted his glass at me, some dark liquid sloshing inside it.
I twisted a small smile at him. Then, remembering myself, I held out a hand. “Blaine Anderson.”
He took my hand, but more held onto it than shaking, squeezing his fingers against my skin. I slipped my hand back after a few seconds, my shoulders drawing up a little. I didn’t feel safe all of a sudden.
“Sebastian Smythe,” the guy introduced himself. It suited him. I nodded vaguely, feeling too small for my skin.
“Nice to meet you. Look, I have some work to do, so I think I’m going to head off.”
“You haven’t even let me buy you a drink yet.”
“Maybe some other time?” I said as I stood up, slipping out of the booth and heading for the door. I could feel his gaze on me, but I didn’t look back.
I let out a heavy breath when I stepped out onto the street. The bar had been growing oppressive, the ceiling too low, the lights too dim, the smiles too cat-like. I didn’t feel any less shaken than I had when I left Kurt; I felt worse, if anything. So much for branching out.
In the end, I went to the theatre. It was empty - a rare occurrence - so I threw my jacket and scarf over the back of a seat and headed up onto the stage. It was bigger like this, standing in the centre alone, looking out at the auditorium. When the lights were shining down on it, other actors moving through the space, it shrank almost down to our four walls. Now I could see every seat, every emergency exit sign and light up in the heavens.
I shook myself, took one last check that I was alone, and started to sing.
**
The next day, I entered Sugar’s late in the afternoon, already braced. Sure enough, Kurt was waiting at a table in the corner with two cups in front of him. I waved a greeting to Sugar, who blew me a harassed kiss over the line of customers, and I headed over to the coffee evidently waiting for me.
“Oh, thank god,” Kurt said when he saw me, “I thought it was going to get cold.”
“Hello to you, too.” I dropped into the chair opposite him, sliding my bag off my shoulder to the floor.
“I can’t start an apology off with cold coffee.”
I took a sip of the medium drip (and had he remembered that from before, or had he asked Sugar?), which was at perfect drinkable temperature, and watched Kurt over the rim. He launched into speech before I’d even had a chance to swallow.
“I have a habit of being rude about people’s beliefs if they’re not the same as my own. I know it’s awful, and usually I’m fine, but when I feel like they’re being used against me at all I just snap.”
“I wasn’t-”
“I know you weren’t. I know you didn’t mean it, but you were so shocked and it just made me feel… cheap.”
“You know I don’t think that about you. You’re not a lesser person to me because of it.”
“But you made me regret it, just a little bit.”
“What are you talking about?” I asked.
Kurt took a sip of coffee and stared down into his cup. “You made me want to go back and not, I don’t know, give it up or whatever. I’ve never gone back on it, because I loved the first guy and it felt natural. You just make me rethink the world, Blaine.”
I sat back in my seat, staring at him. “I didn’t want you to feel bad about it. God, Kurt, that’s the last thing I wanted. It’s your life, it’s your body. It’s nothing to do with me.”
Kurt just shrugged. “I’m sorry.” I nodded. He took a measured breath in, let it go, then took another. He shook himself out. “Is it just me, or has Sugar turned up the heat in here?”
As soon as he said it, I realised that he was right: the coffeehouse was stifling and I was sweating in my outdoor clothes. I immediately unbuttoned my coat and pushed it off, Kurt following suit opposite me. I untied my scarf from around my neck, then paused, heart beating fast. I could leave it on the table, or sit it on my lap. Or I could lean over and put it in my bag, which would mean I’d have to turn my back to Kurt. I took a breath and twisted in my seat to reach my bag. I knew I was turning farther than necessary and the back of my neck felt like it was burning. As I stuffed my scarf in my bag, I rubbed my fingers through the hair at the nape of my neck, drawing focus to the spot just in case. The shop was too loud for me to hear any hitches in Kurt’s breath.
After far too long, I turned back. Kurt wasn’t looking at me. His eyes were trained somewhere across the coffeehouse. “I think I’m going to go the bathroom.”
He stood up and slipped away. I slumped back in my seat, willing myself not to cry. I barely knew Kurt, I was being ridiculous. Yes, I had desperately wanted him to be the one, but I should have learnt from experience that these things didn’t just fall into place.
“Hey, sweet stuff.” Two Pride Parades appeared on the table in front of me and arms wrapped around my neck, bathing in me a waft of sweet perfume.
“Hi, Sugar.”
“What’s got you looking so down?”
I gripped her forearms. “It’s not Kurt. Kurt’s not… he’s not my guy.”
“Oh, baby.” She sighed, kissing the top of my head. “How do you know?”
“I just showed him the back of my neck - practically flaunted it. He didn’t say anything, just went to the bathroom.”
Sugar let out another heavy sigh. “I know you really wanted it to be him.”
“This is why I should stop doing that.”
“Well, look on the bright side,” she said, releasing my neck and straightening her apron beside me. “You know he’s in the city, right?”
“What if he was just visiting? What if that was my one chance to find him and I missed it?”
“No,” she reprimanded. “What happened to ‘it will happen if it’s meant to’?”
“Blaine.” Kurt had reappeared and was already slipping his coat back on, tucking his scarf into it. “I have to run. I’ll see you soon, okay?”
“I - okay,” I said, frowning up at him. He gave me a brief, not quite there smile and was gone.
“Well, that was rude,” Sugar said, hands on her hips.
I scrubbed my hands over my face. I stared dejectedly at the table for a few seconds, slumped in my seat. Sugar picked up my hand, slotting the Pride Parade into it, and scurried back to deal with a customer. I took a sip of the drink and let the sugar go to my head. Those things were as bad as recreational drugs.
It did, surprisingly, lift my spirits a little. Or maybe that was just my blood sugar levels. I went around the counter to give Sugar a kiss on the cheek before I left, receiving a pout in return that I was leaving so soon. She didn’t have a chance to whine at me because a gaggle of businesswomen had stepped up to the counter and started to order. (Extra shot, hold the milk - no, soy milk, extra cinnamon, make it a skinny - wait, can I have it iced?)
My scarf was back around my neck and I didn’t even bother to resent cold weather today. If my soul mate happened to pass behind me, for once in my life I didn’t care.
I was back in Splash again before I knew what I was doing. I ordered another Diet Coke, stripped off my outer layers, and settled back into the booth I’d occupied the day before.
Sebastian was smirking opposite me in just two minutes. “You came back.”
I shrugged; sipped my drink.
“Want me to buy you that drink now?”
I gestured to my soda. “I’m good.”
“No, let me get you the hard stuff.”
I snorted. “If that was a veiled come-on, it was terrible.”
Sebastian’s lip twitched. “Okay, Newbie, very funny.” He leaned back into his seat, lounging like he belonged there. “Come to join the regular crowd, then?”
“Do you live here?”
“On and off.”
“So you don’t go to class, you just hang around in seedy gay bars all day, trying to buy drinks for underage Ohioan boys.”
“It’s not that seedy, it’s just a bit of a dive.” He tilted his head at me. “Ohio?”
“I need to stop telling people that,” I muttered. “Nobody takes it well.”
“Well, I’m from Ohio, so I’m not going to judge. Unless you’re Ohioan at heart; then I’ll judge.”
“Well,” I said, taking another swig of soda, “I’m in a seedy gay bar because I’m upset that the guy I like isn’t my soul mate. Is that too provincial for you?”
“Oh, you’re one of those guys.”
“If you mean I believe in soul mates, yeah I am.”
“No,” he replied, draining the last of his own drink. “You’re one of the virginal ones. Waiting for the right guy.”
I tried to stop myself from blushing, but it was useless. Maintaining eye contact, however, was something I could do. “You can have a problem with that if you want. It won’t change anything.”
“Well, it either makes everything more boring.” He lifted his glass up to the light, looking at the last drops clinging to the bottom. “Or it makes this a thousand times more fun.”
I sighed, settling back into my seat and crossing one leg over the other. “Are you always such an asshole?”
“Oh, the Ohio boy swears.” He grinned at me. “I’m going to get another drink.”
“You’re going to get serious liver problems,” I said once he returned with a full glass. “If this is your second home.”
“I’ll let my soul mate worry about that one.”
“Wait, you’ve found them?” I asked, leaning towards him.
“Oh my god, don’t cream yourself. No, I haven’t, or I wouldn’t be planning how to get you to spread your legs.”
I blushed hard, shrinking back and crossing my legs a little tighter on instinct. “So you believe, then?”
“It’s hard to avoid when everyone swears up and down that it happens.”
“No, I meant… you’d want to be with them, if you knew who they were.”
“Why would I deny myself endlessly compatible sex?”
I gave him a laugh at that one. “Such a romantic.”
“My mission in life. No, look.” He leaned forwards in his seat, smirk absent for once. “I believe they’re out there. There’s some guy who’s going to pick me up, slap me around the head and put me on track in life. He’s going to balance me out and it’ll be good for me. But until then, I don’t see why I can’t have fun. If I waited around for some guy I might not meet until I’m forty, who’s to say he’ll want me? I’d be so boring, and I wouldn’t be me.”
“That was… surprisingly deep.”
“Don’t sound so shocked. I have my moments.” He slumped back into an artful lounge. “So what’s the Ohio Boy doing in the big bad city?”
“Tisch.”
He tilted his head. “A thespian? Fun. So is this all an act? A bit of method acting? Are you actually straight?” He smiled and it showed all his teeth.
“Very funny. No, this is the real me. Sorry if he’s a disappointment.”
Sebastian just rolled his eyes. “Don’t be such a sadsack.” He put both his hands flat on the table. “Come on, what do I have to do to get you drunk?”
**
“Blaine, you can’t walk straight. What did he give you?” Sugar giggled as I slung my arm around her waist.
“I don’t know. They tasted good.” I laughed, leaning my head on her shoulder. She was so very comfortable.
“I bet. Come on, cabbage-head, you’re coming home with me.”
I closed my eyes, smiling into Sugar’s sweet-smelling hair as she walked me. “Why doesn’t he want me, Sugar?”
“Who? Kurt?”
I whined.
“He does want you, honey. If nothing else, he wants to be your friend. But he’s not for you, and that’s just tough.”
“You’re Sugar. You’re supposed to make life sweeter. Not... not... sour... sourer - worse! Worserer.”
“Hey!” She poked me. I whacked at her hand, missing wildly and stumbling. Sugar’s little hands grabbed my shoulders, nails digging in a bit as she laughed at me. “Don’t go insulting the person who’s here to help you out.”
“Just joking. I love you.” I gave her my best grin, which only made her laugh harder.
“Okay, Romeo. Let’s get you home.”
**
I woke up piled up in leopard print sheets, face nuzzled into an enormous pillow. Everything smelt like candy and flowers.
“Sugar,” I moaned. A bright laugh came back from somewhere across the room and then the clatter of heels, until Sugar’s face was in front of my own, her hair brushing my cheeks.
“Morning. How’s the head?” She grabbed my forehead and shook it from side to side. I swatted her hand away.
“Stop.” I burrowed my face into the pillow again.
“Poor baby.” She laughed again. “I have to go to work. You stay and sleep until you’ve stopped being drunk. I’ll see you later.”
“No, Sugar-”
“Ta ta,” she called as she rushed out the door.
“I hate you.” I bit the pillow in frustration. My limbs seemed to have disconnected from my brain and were refusing to move. My head didn’t hurt particularly, I was just viciously thirsty.
I opened my eyes again when my phone started to ring. I reached out, hand sliding over the bedside table and grasping it. I put it to my ear and yelped: I’d forgot to answer the call and it was ringing right into my head. I got a glimpse of Sugar making a face at the camera before accepting her call and laying the phone on the side of my head.
“Hi.”
“You’re still in bed.”
“No… no, I’m not.”
“You totally are. Get up, it’s the afternoon.”
“What?” I looked around the room, eyes glancing over various pink, fluffy objects and explosions of sparkles and overflowing wardrobes before finding the clock - cat-shaped. It was nearly one in the afternoon. “How?”
“You’re lucky it’s a Sunday. Come on, up.” I heard clanking and hissing in the background.
“Are you making coffee and talking to me at the same time?”
“I’m a girl of many talents. Now stop stinking my bed up and get down here so I can fill you up with caffeine.”
“Your bed smells like candy.”
“I swear, if you’ve drooled in it-”
“Okay, okay.” I pushed the covers off and rolled onto the floor. I grunted as I landed on the soft carpet.
“Did you just…?”
“Do not judge me.”
“Whatever. Hurry up.”
She hung up and I stared at the ceiling, letting the phone fall to the floor. The alcohol had dulled my thoughts the night before, but it was gone now, despite the heaviness in my limbs. The memory of Kurt breezing out of Sugar’s without a backwards glance was there before I could stop it. I reached up and stroked the back of my neck, wishing my fingers could trace out the name I was searching for. It wasn’t Kurt, I knew that now.
God, that ached.
I rolled up off the floor, picking up my jeans as I went. I caught my reflection in Sugar’s mirror and groaned at the sight of my hair. I searched through her drawers and found hairspray, using it liberally to give myself some semblance of humanity. Once I looked normally again I stared into my own eyes. “You can do this,” I said to myself. “He’s just one guy. You can do this.”
**
The next time I saw Kurt I was prepared. We’d arranged to meet in the park near my dorms, where it would be cold enough that, knowing Kurt, he would wear a scarf and I wouldn’t have to see a reminder of what he wasn’t. I had let Sugar give me a pep talk and Pride Parade beforehand. I was ready.
The sight of him, eyes shining bright blue out of the reddish autumn landscape, still took my breath away.
He linked arms with me, and I let him. His scarf was silk today, geometrically patterned, and I got a little lost in it. I only realised I was staring when his fingers came up to touch it, and I looked away quickly.
Kurt started to talk as if it was normal, telling me all about the latest gossip from the underbelly of Vogue, where he had just stepped onto the bottom rung of the ladder after a hard year of interning. He made catty remarks about the worst of his co-workers, and whined a little about what the long hours did to his skin, but I knew he wouldn’t trade it for the world. The way his eyes would grow big and his hands would move in sweeping gestures told me how much he loved it. I was content just to watch him, listen to the sweet sound of his voice and soak up all of him that I could. I knew it was dangerous, letting myself fall into him this way, but Kurt had been addictive from the start. One walk in the park wasn’t going to do me any harm.
The walk was just the start. Every time I saw him, we shared a little part of ourselves; we dug a little deeper into each other and learned things that others didn’t know. It was friendship, I could convince myself of that. Kurt wasn’t my soulmate, so the connection we were sharing could never become anything more.
It took me too long to realise that I was giving him pieces of my heart.
**
I tipped my glass, looking through the amber liquid to watch the way it threw the light. “Why do you make me drink this?”
“Because you like it,” Sebastian said. “And I’m not making you. You asked for it, if I recall correctly.”
I nodded vaguely and set the glass back on the table. I’d only had a couple of sips, so it hadn’t caught up with me yet.
“I think I’m losing.”
I looked up at him, frowning. “What?”
“I don’t often lose, so this is a strange feeling.”
“Sebastian, what are you talking about?”
“You.” He laughed, taking a long drink. “I’m losing you to your other man. He’s taking up your thoughts. How am I supposed to catch up?”
“I don’t have a man.”
“Kurt sounds pretty male to me.”
I rolled my eyes at him and took a drink, hoping it hid my blush. “Kurt is my friend. Neither of you are my soulmate, so both of you are losing, if you want to look at it that way.”
Sebastian raised his eyebrows briefly, but didn’t respond to my words. “Are you ever going to introduce us?”
“You and Kurt?” Sebastian nodded. “I think that would be a case of clashing personalities.”
Sebastian leaned over the table in that feral way he loved to do. “Sounds like fun. Bring him next time?”
“Not going to happen.”
“You think I’m going to scare him off?”
“Quite the opposite. He’d eat you alive.”
Sebastian laughed and sat back again. “Well now you have to let me meet him. Or I’m just going to have to follow you to your little coffee shop.”
“You’d actually leave Splash and let me see you in the light of day? That’s something I could never have hoped for, Sebastian.”
“You think you’re funny, Ohio.”
I laughed at him and moved the subject away from Kurt. Sebastian had given me something to think about, though. I had never considered bringing Kurt to Splash. It was normally where I went to escape from thoughts of Kurt, so it felt like an intrusion. As scary as it might be, the image of Kurt and Sebastian clashing head was a pretty hilarious one.
But what if they were everything to each other? What if Kurt took his scarf off and Sebastian glimpsed the back of his neck and saw his own name written there?
It was that idea that spurred me on. Sometimes, curiosity overtakes fear.
In the end, I didn’t let either of them have the upper hand: we met in neither Sugar’s nor Splash, but a café down the road from my dorms. Sebastian swaggered in late, only to look put out when he realised Kurt wasn’t there yet. Kurt rushed in draped in bags a few minutes later, just the right side of fashionable, and dropped into a chair with a heavy sigh.
“Sorry, I had errands to run and then there was a drama with some scarves and I - sorry, hi.” He looked to Sebastian to for the first time, holding out a hand. “I’m Kurt, nice to meet you.”
“Sebastian,” he said, taking Kurt’s hand and giving it a lingering shake. “Pleasure.” He winked at Kurt and my stomach dropped.
“Shall we order?” I said quickly, looking away from Kurt’s blush and picking up a menu.
Sebastian was a flirt, I’d always known that; I’d experienced it enough myself. For the first time, however, it wasn’t directed at me. In fact, Sebastian seemed to have forgotten I was there. He was so focused on getting under Kurt’s skin in that way he had a talent for, until Kurt was dropping his fork and blushing constantly. I crossed my legs and ate my food in silence, excusing myself to the bathroom when I thought I was going to be sick. I locked myself into one of the cubicles and sat on the toilet with the lid down, dropping my head into my hands.
They worked, that was the worst part. Kurt had begun to gather himself after such a blatant attack and he could bite right back. And Sebastian loved every second of it. It was all a big game between them, a constant attempt to one-up the other. It wasn’t just the tension, either. I could see them years down the line, balancing each other out and teasing each other and having fucking amazing sex.
I groaned and dropped my head right onto my knees.
“Blaine?” Kurt’s voice echoed on the bathroom walls. “Are you in here?”
“Yes,” I said, standing up quickly. I looked around the tiny stall, back at the toilet, at the door. I frantically flushed and unlocked the door, going to wash my hands and feeling Kurt’s eyes on me.
“You’ve been in here for a while.”
“Have I?” I took some paper towels and dried my hands. “Yeah, I thought I’d… give you some space. You guys are getting on well.” I was speaking to Kurt’s reflection in the mirror, not ready to look at him directly. His eyes weren’t on mine, but were trained just to the right and down, right at my neck. My skin prickled and I reached up to rub at the skin above my top vertebra.
“Nothing’s going to happen,” Kurt said, turning his head away and crossing his arms.
“No?” I leaned against the counter, facing him now, watching his profile.
“No. He’s a pathological flirt, Blaine. I’m just letting him have his fun and then we can send him back to his seedy little hangout to torture other country boys.”
“He doesn’t torture me.”
“No, but he’s roped you in, hasn’t he?”
“He’s my friend. I chose that.”
“But you didn’t like it,” Kurt said, turning to lock his blazing eyes on me. “You didn’t like when he flirted with me and forgot about you. It hurt. Because he’s got you used to it, hasn’t he? He’s made you expect it, made you think you’re special. He does it to everyone, Blaine, can’t you see that?”
“He’s not as cruel as you think he is, Kurt. He’s like that when you first meet him, but when you get to know him-”
“He’s a good person inside, yes I know.” Kurt ran a hand through his hair. “Think what you want, Blaine, but he can hurt you.”
“Well, why did you flirt with him, then? If you knew it would hurt me, why did you do it?”
“I… I wanted to show you what he can be like.”
“Don’t talk shit, Kurt.” I shook my head. “You did it because you liked the attention. Don’t make this into you being a mentor to me or some other bullshit because it’s not that.” I clenched my hands against the sink counter, breathing hard and trying not to shout in his face. “You have to let me live for myself, Kurt. You can’t go around controlling my life. I’m not a game.”
“I know that,” he said, voice quiet. He stepped forwards, reaching out to take my hand, but I drew back and he dropped his arm. “I’m sorry. I don’t… think sometimes. I didn’t know what to do. He’s just so… he’s a lot.”
I let out a breathy laugh. “Yeah, he’s an experience.”
“I’m sorry.”
I dropped my chin to my chest. “I know.”
“Can we forget any of this happened?”
I blinked at the floor tile, at Kurt’s two-tone winkle pickers on the slightly grimy surface. I took a deep breath in and held for two beats, for three, then let it out. “Yeah.” I looked up at him. “Yeah, of course.”
He was looking at me owlishly, cheeks flushed. “Thank you.” He gestured to the door. “Want to go back and face the dragon?”
“He’s harmless,” I laughed, leading us out and back to our table. Sebastian raised his eyebrows at us as we returned together.
“You sure about that?” Kurt murmured as we sat down.
Sebastian looked at me, gave me a grin and a wink and took a sip of his drink.
I looked to Kurt. “Definitely.”
Next