This is important. Please read it.
OK, this is a confessional post. I have hurt a friend because I wasn't open enough about things, so this is me being open. The post is even unlocked. It's also public, so that anyone can read it (it's the only public post on this journal). Comments are disabled, not because I can't handle them but because this post is not looking for comments that will boost my ego or make me feel better. This is a public apology to someone, not an attempt to garner support, so please: no comments in other posts that can be commented in, no Twitter @replies, no lurkers supporting me in email, okay? That's not what I want from this post. Thanks <3
I was in fandom before, for many years. My old LJ name is one some of you might recognise: rahalia_cat. Yes, the journal no longer exists. I deleted it a few years ago, after something like seven years on LJ with that name.
[[ Incidentally, I never did anything bad as rahalia_cat (aka 'Raha' for the rest of this post). I left fandom and LJ in general for a while under a shadow, yes, because at the time I had a very large flist and I felt that I was having to self-censor every post I made, because I was receiving negative comments when I wasn't being "fluffy, positive Raha" and I was seeing passive-aggressive posts directed at me on other journals because towards the end of my tenure of that fandom name I was finally speaking my mind about certain things that others didn't want to hear about. But I didn't do anything wrong on that journal. I'm not some fandom pariah that's come back as a sockpuppet to cause trouble; that much does need to be said for the benefit of those that don't know me from the past. ]]
I am 40 years old (well, -ish). I'm telling you this simply because I have not told you before. I am, of course, female. I'm not, and have never been trying to pass myself off as male, or younger than I am, but I wanted to mention all of this in case any of you felt that I had. I guess I lied by omission, because I have never actually SAID how old I was, or confirmed my gender. So it's out there now. Yes, I'm one of Adam's older fans, and in the eyes of many younger, snarkier members of this fandom, that immediately labels me as a 'Glambert' (assuming the negative definition of that word). So be it. I don't particularly care if people want to think negatively of me because of my age. People like that really aren't worth me wasting worrying time over.
If you are not on my flist, you will not be able to read this post, but in it I explained a bit about why I got upset when several people bitchily piled onto one of my stories in an anon writing meta post. I will not be making that post public, nor will I be listing its exact details, but in it I wrote of an extended very bad time in my personal life that completely knocked my confidence for six: both my self-confidence and my confidence in my own writing abilities (hence why I got so upset at that pile-on of my fiction).
In that post I said the following: Almost four years ago, I found the strength to [remove myself from that situation] but building up my self-confidence has been a much, much harder thing to do. And, corny though it sounds, Adam Lambert has helped with that no end. You all know exactly what I mean there, and won't be looking at me like I'm some kinda cray-cray woman. It's his whole attitude; there's something infusive about it. I call it Lambert Osmosis; you can't help but take a little bit of it in.
What I did not mention in that post was that, throughout all of this I had a close friend who was there for me all the time, for hours every day and through the night. That friend sat with me while I cried for hours, gave me no end of virtual hugs, tried her very damndest to boost my confidence at every opportunity, and has been there for me ever since. She can't be with me in real life (an ocean separates us) but she has always been there for me, since we met in early 2005.
That post linked-to above was intended simply to explain why I had got upset about the criticism of my writing, and to explain to my Adam-centric flist what he had given me by way of self-confidence. I realise now that it was wrong of me to omit my friend's contribution to everything, especially her own repeated attempts at boosting that confidence. Effectively I lied by omission and wrote her contribution to my life out of that post. I have also never publicly acknowledged her on this journal, and that was wrong of me.
She has been everything to me since we met. My closest friend and confidante, my listening ear, my (all-too-frequently soggy) shoulder, my hugger-across-5000-miles. We have shared so much together, from 16-hour nonstop roleplay sessions on a MUSH, to personal problems, work woes, and family issues. She has held my hand across an internet connection when my life fell apart, and held back my hair when I was puking my emotional guts up at her, and I have done her the greatest disservice by not including her in this 'new Adam life' of mine.
Her name is kirby_crow, and she is the most amazing, wonderful writer. It is she of whom I wrote, in a comment to someone on my LJ about writing: ...my best friend in the world is a published author. She writes stuff that... I can't even articulate how it makes me feel. Her last novel just literally blew me away. She was there before all the shit that went down with my ex, she knows my old writing style, and has been so incredibly patient in coaching and encouraging me; so patient that I wonder if she's not sick of doling out the regular pep talks. But still I feel horribly inadequate when I read anything she's written. (I mean this, by the way. You seriously need to check out her work.)
She is also the most amazing, wonderful friend. How close are we? How well does she know me? She loves pretty boys as much as I do. And in an entire night of surfing, she managed to find the one image that she knew would make me utterly keyboard smash. She knows me that well.
And I have let her down badly and hurt her by excluding her. So this post is a very public apology to Kirby, for not being the kind of friend to her that she has been to me. I guess I've also lied to some of you that do know me of old, by not coming clean and saying who I once was. But this post isn't about that. This is for Kirby.
I'm so sorry, love. I never intended to hurt you. Never.
===============================================================================
IMPORTANT
This post is not intended to be a "sic 'em, boys!" thing for everyone to pile onto her. Not in any way. (Not that I think any of you in this fandom will do that, because I've never known such a loving and 'good times' fandom, outside of some posts in the obvious snark communities.) This post is intended as an open apology to Kirby for not telling everyone in Adam Lambert fandom how much she has meant to me, and for effectively shutting her out of my re-entry into fandom. Do NOT think badly of her, and please do NOT defend me at her expense, anywhere. She did nothing wrong in all of this. It's me that has lied by omission, by not telling everyone how much she means to me.
UPDATE
I'm surprised that I need to update this post, but apparently I do. Kirby is still my dear friend, and she is still the only person I will write with. It's a friendship that has survived more than one attempt to wreck it. Take that as you will.
I was in fandom before, for many years. My old LJ name is one some of you might recognise: rahalia_cat. Yes, the journal no longer exists. I deleted it a few years ago, after something like seven years on LJ with that name.
[[ Incidentally, I never did anything bad as rahalia_cat (aka 'Raha' for the rest of this post). I left fandom and LJ in general for a while under a shadow, yes, because at the time I had a very large flist and I felt that I was having to self-censor every post I made, because I was receiving negative comments when I wasn't being "fluffy, positive Raha" and I was seeing passive-aggressive posts directed at me on other journals because towards the end of my tenure of that fandom name I was finally speaking my mind about certain things that others didn't want to hear about. But I didn't do anything wrong on that journal. I'm not some fandom pariah that's come back as a sockpuppet to cause trouble; that much does need to be said for the benefit of those that don't know me from the past. ]]
I am 40 years old (well, -ish). I'm telling you this simply because I have not told you before. I am, of course, female. I'm not, and have never been trying to pass myself off as male, or younger than I am, but I wanted to mention all of this in case any of you felt that I had. I guess I lied by omission, because I have never actually SAID how old I was, or confirmed my gender. So it's out there now. Yes, I'm one of Adam's older fans, and in the eyes of many younger, snarkier members of this fandom, that immediately labels me as a 'Glambert' (assuming the negative definition of that word). So be it. I don't particularly care if people want to think negatively of me because of my age. People like that really aren't worth me wasting worrying time over.
If you are not on my flist, you will not be able to read this post, but in it I explained a bit about why I got upset when several people bitchily piled onto one of my stories in an anon writing meta post. I will not be making that post public, nor will I be listing its exact details, but in it I wrote of an extended very bad time in my personal life that completely knocked my confidence for six: both my self-confidence and my confidence in my own writing abilities (hence why I got so upset at that pile-on of my fiction).
In that post I said the following: Almost four years ago, I found the strength to [remove myself from that situation] but building up my self-confidence has been a much, much harder thing to do. And, corny though it sounds, Adam Lambert has helped with that no end. You all know exactly what I mean there, and won't be looking at me like I'm some kinda cray-cray woman. It's his whole attitude; there's something infusive about it. I call it Lambert Osmosis; you can't help but take a little bit of it in.
What I did not mention in that post was that, throughout all of this I had a close friend who was there for me all the time, for hours every day and through the night. That friend sat with me while I cried for hours, gave me no end of virtual hugs, tried her very damndest to boost my confidence at every opportunity, and has been there for me ever since. She can't be with me in real life (an ocean separates us) but she has always been there for me, since we met in early 2005.
That post linked-to above was intended simply to explain why I had got upset about the criticism of my writing, and to explain to my Adam-centric flist what he had given me by way of self-confidence. I realise now that it was wrong of me to omit my friend's contribution to everything, especially her own repeated attempts at boosting that confidence. Effectively I lied by omission and wrote her contribution to my life out of that post. I have also never publicly acknowledged her on this journal, and that was wrong of me.
She has been everything to me since we met. My closest friend and confidante, my listening ear, my (all-too-frequently soggy) shoulder, my hugger-across-5000-miles. We have shared so much together, from 16-hour nonstop roleplay sessions on a MUSH, to personal problems, work woes, and family issues. She has held my hand across an internet connection when my life fell apart, and held back my hair when I was puking my emotional guts up at her, and I have done her the greatest disservice by not including her in this 'new Adam life' of mine.
Her name is kirby_crow, and she is the most amazing, wonderful writer. It is she of whom I wrote, in a comment to someone on my LJ about writing: ...my best friend in the world is a published author. She writes stuff that... I can't even articulate how it makes me feel. Her last novel just literally blew me away. She was there before all the shit that went down with my ex, she knows my old writing style, and has been so incredibly patient in coaching and encouraging me; so patient that I wonder if she's not sick of doling out the regular pep talks. But still I feel horribly inadequate when I read anything she's written. (I mean this, by the way. You seriously need to check out her work.)
She is also the most amazing, wonderful friend. How close are we? How well does she know me? She loves pretty boys as much as I do. And in an entire night of surfing, she managed to find the one image that she knew would make me utterly keyboard smash. She knows me that well.
And I have let her down badly and hurt her by excluding her. So this post is a very public apology to Kirby, for not being the kind of friend to her that she has been to me. I guess I've also lied to some of you that do know me of old, by not coming clean and saying who I once was. But this post isn't about that. This is for Kirby.
I'm so sorry, love. I never intended to hurt you. Never.
===============================================================================
IMPORTANT
This post is not intended to be a "sic 'em, boys!" thing for everyone to pile onto her. Not in any way. (Not that I think any of you in this fandom will do that, because I've never known such a loving and 'good times' fandom, outside of some posts in the obvious snark communities.) This post is intended as an open apology to Kirby for not telling everyone in Adam Lambert fandom how much she has meant to me, and for effectively shutting her out of my re-entry into fandom. Do NOT think badly of her, and please do NOT defend me at her expense, anywhere. She did nothing wrong in all of this. It's me that has lied by omission, by not telling everyone how much she means to me.
UPDATE
I'm surprised that I need to update this post, but apparently I do. Kirby is still my dear friend, and she is still the only person I will write with. It's a friendship that has survived more than one attempt to wreck it. Take that as you will.