..
its scary. my mom just gave me a hug for no reason.
i just smoked upstairs and it was one of the worst choices ever...i swear i wasn't thinking... she's working from home at her computer by the window downstairs and i didn't even check if it was open. the wind was blowing the smoke right over to that window and i have no clue if she smelled it. then i didnt know where to put the cigarette and the head rush plus anxiety gave me an enormous headache. i sprayed myself down with potpourri spray and the bathroom, too, and left the window open. when I walked past her about an hour later she told me to come over so i did, keeping my distance. and then she said possibly the last thing i wanted to hear......."come here and give me a hug" i sucked in my breath and did it as fast as possible but she seemed content with it so i went upstairs.
this morning i woke up with bags under my eyes..maybe she saw them.
it reminded me of 2 years ago when i was starving to death and literally falling apart before her eyes. shed give me spontaneous hugs and hold onto me as if she was trying to hold me in one piece and keep me from slipping any farther away into ana. ..=/