I fail yet again...
I am lost. I'm in New York for the week, actually I am leaving tomorrow to go to Washington for a few days, and I must say, this has been the most hectic vacation. With my mom's side of the family and my dad's side of the family both wanting attention I am constantly busy. My phone has been ringing off the hook and I can't seem to answer it and continue to do what I am doing to make both parties happy. I have 6 young cousins who are always wanting my attention, not including aunts and uncles and older cousins, and thats just on one side of the family. I feel bad for Bryan, for he is stuck with my 12 year old dog that is a big nuisance. He calls like 10 times a day wanting to talk, and I cannot. Everytime my phone rings, it is either Laura, Bryan, Dad (because he was never with us) or my Aunt. I'm trying to talk to one person on the phone and another is talking to me next to me. I can't ignore one because I'll get hammered from both sides. Bryan is upset I don't talk to him enough, my family is upset I don't spend enough time with them...they keep asking why I am on the phone again....and at the same time I am doing something for someone who wants whatever it is, done now. I can't seem to keep my phone charged...I have to keep it plugged in pretty much all day for by 12:00pm it is almost dead. I'm tired...
I have decided however that I will never ask Bryan to stay at our house again...for it is too much for him to handle. My entire family has felt awfult the entire time we have been here because of Duke and how awful he is. I regret coming to NY because I have made Bryan's life this past week hell...I can't sleep at night thinking about how he doesn't sleep...I can't enjoy things knowing he is not enjoying things...I feel awful and guilty when I cannot talk to him, yet I feel guilty leaving others when they are in the middle of a story or a project with me, because they get upset and say, "fine....answer your phone again..." I'm being pulled and I can't do anything about it. I'm trying my best and the shitty part is, I'm not doing a good job.
On another note, I cannot get a job. I have interviewed for a few jobs and cannot figure out what happened, for when I talk to the employers they seem interested and say they will be in contact, and then they disappear. I feel useless...I was trying to get away from Florida to get some space from everything. This trip was supposed to clear my head and make things easier for when I went home. I was supposed to gain a new perspective on things...instead I feel like crying. I can't do anything right and I don't know where I went wrong, which stinks because without knowing it makes it impossible to make it right again...I want to cry. I want to hide under the covers...I just want to disappear...why did this trip to NY turn into such a problem? Why am I such a disaster?
I have decided however that I will never ask Bryan to stay at our house again...for it is too much for him to handle. My entire family has felt awfult the entire time we have been here because of Duke and how awful he is. I regret coming to NY because I have made Bryan's life this past week hell...I can't sleep at night thinking about how he doesn't sleep...I can't enjoy things knowing he is not enjoying things...I feel awful and guilty when I cannot talk to him, yet I feel guilty leaving others when they are in the middle of a story or a project with me, because they get upset and say, "fine....answer your phone again..." I'm being pulled and I can't do anything about it. I'm trying my best and the shitty part is, I'm not doing a good job.
On another note, I cannot get a job. I have interviewed for a few jobs and cannot figure out what happened, for when I talk to the employers they seem interested and say they will be in contact, and then they disappear. I feel useless...I was trying to get away from Florida to get some space from everything. This trip was supposed to clear my head and make things easier for when I went home. I was supposed to gain a new perspective on things...instead I feel like crying. I can't do anything right and I don't know where I went wrong, which stinks because without knowing it makes it impossible to make it right again...I want to cry. I want to hide under the covers...I just want to disappear...why did this trip to NY turn into such a problem? Why am I such a disaster?