Why can't it be as easy as Harvest Moon?
I'm trying to be strong and not show emotion...but I feel like I'm coming off cold and detached. My feelings of sadness are like another day of clouds and no sun in a long cold winter. They seem unrelenting and unchangeable. I'm trying to tell myself that I'm overreacting, that nothing will change, that things will be happy and right...how they should be. But the feelings of dread keep creeping back. Yes, I'll try to go to pastry school and do something that I love...hopefully that will pass the time in a nice manner. I'm not saying that I'm wishing my life away waiting for another time in the future when I'm happier, but the next few years seem painful and lackluster, not ones of joy and happiness. As much as my parents love me, they continue to feel that I'm 15. I'm graduating college and to them I'm a teeny bopper...I can't make my own decisions because I'm not knowledgeable enough, I can't make my own life choices because I'm too naive, I can't do what I wish because I'm living with them and they know best for me. They continue to pressure me into things I feel uncomfortable doing and that I would rather not do. I want to be happy about the upcoming years. I know that this is a good time...I'll be 22 soon and this is the best time to do what I want and have fun with no attachments, obligations or responsibilities...but for some reason my lack of responsibility makes me feel sad and pathetic. A job that means nothing, a small 12x12 room with the smallest closet known to man and the guilt that if I move on I'll be leaving my mom lonely, sad and alone. I wish I had my sister to help with everything...then I wouldn't have so much responsibility...
Graduation is in 9 days...I'll get pictures with Bryan, have a great time knowing that I don't have to write anymore papers and take anymore horrible tricky tests. Happy I don't have to scrounge for money and will have a stable job. I'll walk across the stage, hopefully not fall on my face because my shoes cause me to be clumsy and then when I walk off realize it's over. The past year of fun and happiness...the happiest I've been thus far. Hopefully the pictures of Bry and I will keep me happy and content. I'll hang them in my room...play Harvest Moon, go to Long Island and Rochester and hope that when I come back things are still fine, hope that everything stays the same for the next 3,4,5,6 years and that we lose nothing. Not our cuteness, not our fun banter, not our silly language that only he and I understand...nothing. I don't know if I can do this....but I'm being strong...so I have to do this...
Graduation is in 9 days...I'll get pictures with Bryan, have a great time knowing that I don't have to write anymore papers and take anymore horrible tricky tests. Happy I don't have to scrounge for money and will have a stable job. I'll walk across the stage, hopefully not fall on my face because my shoes cause me to be clumsy and then when I walk off realize it's over. The past year of fun and happiness...the happiest I've been thus far. Hopefully the pictures of Bry and I will keep me happy and content. I'll hang them in my room...play Harvest Moon, go to Long Island and Rochester and hope that when I come back things are still fine, hope that everything stays the same for the next 3,4,5,6 years and that we lose nothing. Not our cuteness, not our fun banter, not our silly language that only he and I understand...nothing. I don't know if I can do this....but I'm being strong...so I have to do this...