Homeward Bound....
*sigh* what to say...?
It seems in here i'm always writing about starting over, or some grand new beginning. my default response to disapointment is simply to change direction. today i think is the biggest turning point yet. today i'm not just starting over, re-winding the clock or moving onto the next thing. today i feel like i'm starting a new life. i don't feel disapointed, or sad...i'm not jumping ship or starting fresh, it's not a new house or a new city, a new job or a new set of sheets. i'm not cutting my hair or painting my room. i'm not re-arranging furniture to stimulate energy flow or finding a new favorite coffee shop.
i'm leaving here, and i'm stopping. i'm just stopping to rest, to take it all in, i don't even care how i got here or how things should have been. i'm tired and i know that if my life is to go on it's not for me to know how or where or why just yet. it's enough to know i am loved.
i hope to paint, and to read (yes...i said READ...)and to write and study. i will find a doctor and i will figure it all out, but first i'll rest.
i guess the point is that whatever this is it's different than it's been before. not better or worse just very different, it's not some silly boy or an audition i blew, or an interview i aced. it's not the bustle of the city or the sound of the ocean calling my name. it's more than a whim or a shift in mood. it's not even really about money. i feel like my insides have been scooped out, hollowed, scraped clean. i feel like in time it's contents will be replaced. piece by piece one a time after the sick parts are removed. i don't know if that analogy is literal or metaphorical or both. i guess only time will tell.
It seems in here i'm always writing about starting over, or some grand new beginning. my default response to disapointment is simply to change direction. today i think is the biggest turning point yet. today i'm not just starting over, re-winding the clock or moving onto the next thing. today i feel like i'm starting a new life. i don't feel disapointed, or sad...i'm not jumping ship or starting fresh, it's not a new house or a new city, a new job or a new set of sheets. i'm not cutting my hair or painting my room. i'm not re-arranging furniture to stimulate energy flow or finding a new favorite coffee shop.
i'm leaving here, and i'm stopping. i'm just stopping to rest, to take it all in, i don't even care how i got here or how things should have been. i'm tired and i know that if my life is to go on it's not for me to know how or where or why just yet. it's enough to know i am loved.
i hope to paint, and to read (yes...i said READ...)and to write and study. i will find a doctor and i will figure it all out, but first i'll rest.
i guess the point is that whatever this is it's different than it's been before. not better or worse just very different, it's not some silly boy or an audition i blew, or an interview i aced. it's not the bustle of the city or the sound of the ocean calling my name. it's more than a whim or a shift in mood. it's not even really about money. i feel like my insides have been scooped out, hollowed, scraped clean. i feel like in time it's contents will be replaced. piece by piece one a time after the sick parts are removed. i don't know if that analogy is literal or metaphorical or both. i guess only time will tell.