(no subject)
Richard has gone back to his home. I feel I was too harsh with him, though he spoke so insensitively of Lana, but there was no time to apologise any better than I did. I will try again when I next see him.
Alejandro had gone to pray, and Layla now goes to find him, Skylark is just ahead of me on her way to her room, leaving me behind with an offer to talk that she did not take me up on last night. I understand why she did not, I think. And I do not want her to know more now, because I worry that they may hurt her. Who she is should not change. Let there be one of us who never looses that.
And should it make me want to laugh? Should I want to laugh because the one thing ‘Jandro asks of me I cannot give? The one thing I which he believes I should have faith I do not? I have faith in something else.
It is penance. If he does not pay it, then there will be some other way....It is always for me, in the pain I cause others. I pray it is not him that will pay a price for what I have done, but She does not hear me very often now.
This is my fault. I should have been there. They would not have let him go with De L’Oscuro had I been there - blue jacket or not. It is no lie that I care more for him than for myself. I would not be here and as I am, otherwise. ‘Jandro says that the jacket would have gotten in the way. But from what they have all told me and from what else I have learned, the jacket serves to twist the parts of ourselves that are strongest. Urges, images. Perhaps I would have suffered for it later - in fact, I have no doubt that I would have - it is something I would loose, and gladly...but there are only two things that are a part of me. Only two things to twist. One encompasses much - the grace that I seek - and he is a part of that. But the other is simple. To see him safe. Had I been wearing the jacket, I would not have let him go. Had I not, it would have been the same. Not without me to go with him.
But I didn’t go to the party. It was true, what I told Alejandro - what I tried to tell them all. They love him more than I. I believed that I could not make such circumstances work. That I would be a burden to them - I see it already in their faces when they talk of things that are common to them, and then remember I am there. And now he stands to meet the same fate I believed another had met more than four hundred years ago.
"We will get him back for you."
I do not want them to. Not for me, and not even for them, though I know that is what they want. They may save him, but he may too resent them for it, and perhaps that would be my fault as well. Leave it to Fate. To force such this as I once tried to do yielded the monster I became. No more.
I was weak, for a moment - I begged to have him back. If he were to die for this, then I would die as well, I think. But Mikael might be lost to Kevin’s offer for redemption, then. I must find a way to give them that chance, too. I do not think we truly need to know what is in Mikael’s heart. There are too many ways in which it will not matter. He should have the choice. It may be difficult for Kevin alone, but I know he would try anyway.
It is strange for me to hope that they do not get to him first - for his sake.
I climb the stairs to my room and wonder if I should not return to the house in Connecticut. Perhaps it is best to wait for word from him there. But I know I cannot face the empty halls and the cold stone, now matter how much I paint to warm the walls or sing to clear the silence. And I believe tomorrow night they will try to find him, and get him back. I ran away before by not going to the party. I will not do that again.
I should call Joe. He will bring me another flashlight. And perhaps something else. Si - a painting from the house. The choir of angels ‘Jandro gave to my mind’s eye. It would be fitting for her, I think, to have if she would like.
"I have learned very few things in many years. One of them is that judgment is sometimes tempered in a mercy I do not understand. We are not so damned, in any regard, as that. Keep faith."
Ah, Layla - I have it. I have faith. Your offering touches me in a way that I have no words for. And I have such faith because we speak, we smile, and there is no artifice in it even after what we have done to one another. But we are offered such profound grace as you speak of only once - and I have already had mine.
This is mine. It should be me. Leave them alone. All of them.
Please, Mother - please. I know you do not listen so often to me, but I must still ask. Please…leave them be. Grant him his grace. If You have done already - then take more from me. I will give it, if I have any left to give.
Alejandro had gone to pray, and Layla now goes to find him, Skylark is just ahead of me on her way to her room, leaving me behind with an offer to talk that she did not take me up on last night. I understand why she did not, I think. And I do not want her to know more now, because I worry that they may hurt her. Who she is should not change. Let there be one of us who never looses that.
And should it make me want to laugh? Should I want to laugh because the one thing ‘Jandro asks of me I cannot give? The one thing I which he believes I should have faith I do not? I have faith in something else.
It is penance. If he does not pay it, then there will be some other way....It is always for me, in the pain I cause others. I pray it is not him that will pay a price for what I have done, but She does not hear me very often now.
This is my fault. I should have been there. They would not have let him go with De L’Oscuro had I been there - blue jacket or not. It is no lie that I care more for him than for myself. I would not be here and as I am, otherwise. ‘Jandro says that the jacket would have gotten in the way. But from what they have all told me and from what else I have learned, the jacket serves to twist the parts of ourselves that are strongest. Urges, images. Perhaps I would have suffered for it later - in fact, I have no doubt that I would have - it is something I would loose, and gladly...but there are only two things that are a part of me. Only two things to twist. One encompasses much - the grace that I seek - and he is a part of that. But the other is simple. To see him safe. Had I been wearing the jacket, I would not have let him go. Had I not, it would have been the same. Not without me to go with him.
But I didn’t go to the party. It was true, what I told Alejandro - what I tried to tell them all. They love him more than I. I believed that I could not make such circumstances work. That I would be a burden to them - I see it already in their faces when they talk of things that are common to them, and then remember I am there. And now he stands to meet the same fate I believed another had met more than four hundred years ago.
"We will get him back for you."
I do not want them to. Not for me, and not even for them, though I know that is what they want. They may save him, but he may too resent them for it, and perhaps that would be my fault as well. Leave it to Fate. To force such this as I once tried to do yielded the monster I became. No more.
I was weak, for a moment - I begged to have him back. If he were to die for this, then I would die as well, I think. But Mikael might be lost to Kevin’s offer for redemption, then. I must find a way to give them that chance, too. I do not think we truly need to know what is in Mikael’s heart. There are too many ways in which it will not matter. He should have the choice. It may be difficult for Kevin alone, but I know he would try anyway.
It is strange for me to hope that they do not get to him first - for his sake.
I climb the stairs to my room and wonder if I should not return to the house in Connecticut. Perhaps it is best to wait for word from him there. But I know I cannot face the empty halls and the cold stone, now matter how much I paint to warm the walls or sing to clear the silence. And I believe tomorrow night they will try to find him, and get him back. I ran away before by not going to the party. I will not do that again.
I should call Joe. He will bring me another flashlight. And perhaps something else. Si - a painting from the house. The choir of angels ‘Jandro gave to my mind’s eye. It would be fitting for her, I think, to have if she would like.
"I have learned very few things in many years. One of them is that judgment is sometimes tempered in a mercy I do not understand. We are not so damned, in any regard, as that. Keep faith."
Ah, Layla - I have it. I have faith. Your offering touches me in a way that I have no words for. And I have such faith because we speak, we smile, and there is no artifice in it even after what we have done to one another. But we are offered such profound grace as you speak of only once - and I have already had mine.
This is mine. It should be me. Leave them alone. All of them.
Please, Mother - please. I know you do not listen so often to me, but I must still ask. Please…leave them be. Grant him his grace. If You have done already - then take more from me. I will give it, if I have any left to give.