Crack like whoa
So...writing my first ever Supernatural fic probably should not have happened at 6:30AM without any sleep the night before. It is complete crack., but not as funny as I was hoping. Also, I have no idea why the font is like that. Sorry if it bugs you.
Title: Holy Animal Planet
Author: gleeker13
Pairings: Lucifer/Sam/Gabriel love triangle
Fandom:Supernatural
Summary: Gabriel and Lucifer fight over Sam.
Notes: About 900 words. Written for temporalranger because, well, I was still up at 6AM and I figured writing was more fun than going to sleep.
Gabriel and Lucifer stood opposite each other, gazes locked and unwavering, neither accepting defeat.
“Gabriel. You always were my favorite brother. However, that does not mean I will allow you to steal what is rightfully mine.”
Gabriel smirked at his brother. “Lucy, c’mon. I don’t see any reason why we can’t share. Isn’t that what siblings do? Share?”
Lucifer narrowed his eyes and unfurled his large wings in a menacing manner. “Don’t be foolish. What have you been doing while I was away that would convince you that I, of all our brothers, would even consider sharing?”
Gabriel lifted his chin smugly, and, while allowing his own wings to stretch out to their full span, responded with, “I’d hoped you’d say that.” The two angels started circling each other. “You see, my dear brother, I’m not too fond of sharing myself.”
“Uh…guys? Don’t want to interrupt or anything, but, uh, do I really have to be here for this?” Sam questioned sheepishly from where his apparent admirers had tied him to a chair.
“Sambo, you’ve got not just two guys, but two angels fighting over you. Two archangels. Sit back and enjoy the show. Here, I’ll help you play the part.” And with that Gabriel snapped his fingers and suddenly Sam was in a very unmanly, very pink dress. Lucifer glanced at Sam for just a second, and as soon as his eyes returned to Gabriel, they were filled with absolute fury.
“You. Did. Not. Just insult my vessel, my property, with a pink frilly dress.”
“Of course not. Sam isn’t anyone’s property. If there’s one thing Dad got right, it’s the whole ‘free will’ hullabaloo. Given the choice, Sammy here would pick me over you any day. Ain’t that right, Sam-Sam?”
Sam sat there with an expression between disturbed (he was wearing a dress. A pink, frilly, dress. With lacy hems) and terrified (there were two archangels staring at him expectantly. One of which would smite him depending on what he said. On second thought, they would probably both smite him). “I…I plead the fifth?”
Gabriel frowned and Lucifer growled. Like, actually growled. Neither getting the answer they were looking for, they turned back to each other and went back to staring each other down. They each straightened up to their full heights- well, their vessel’s true heights-and Sam knew that if what he was seeing was through a filter, the full effect must be incredible.
“Well, that may not have been a yes, but it sure as Hell wasn’t a no.” Gabriel stated, resorting back to his cocky nature.
“You’d have to be alive for him to choose you.” And Lucifer pounced. The two angels pulled out their handy-dandy I’ma-Cut-You-You-Holy-Assbutt™(it really did sound better in Enochian, honest) devices, and all Sam saw for a while were flashes of the angels leaping back and forth, with the sound of clashing metal at least once every second. Eventually the two stopped and went back to stalking their prey. This pretty much meant that they were walking in a circle again without saying anything. This part was pretty boring actually.
The territorial angels lunged at each other a few more times, stopping after a minute or so, sniping at each other now and then.
(Everywhere from, “You should have just left instead of starting an entire rebellion. I did and look at me; I’m a free bird while you are a pet parrot whose cage door got left open.” “My work proves that God doesn’t really care about these humans,” to, “I’ve got a bigger, not-Sam’s penis.” “He’ll enjoy my company much more!” It was getting pathetic, really.)
Each time the millennia-old angels (who were acting like teenagers) would stop and circle, Sam could only see small cuts in their clothing. At this rate Sam would be here an extremely long time. He was really starting to regret not using the bathroom before getting kidnapped by two psychotic angels.
“Hello, Sam.” The new voice startled Sam, as he was busy concentrating on not peeing his pan- err, dress, to pay attention to his surroundings. The clashing of the I’ma-Cut-You-You-Holy-Assbutt™ devices stopped and Gabriel and Lucifer snapped to attention, making themselves look as big and intimidating as possible once again.
“Cas?” Sam asked incredulously. Gabe frowned.
“Don’t tell me you’re after him too. Just great, another rival suitor.” Castiel tilted his head to the side.
“No, but Dean would like to talk to his brother. I apologize, but you’ve had Sam long enough.” With that, Castiel placed two fingers to Sam’s forehead and the next thing Sam knew, they were in a motel room, Dean laying on a bed with the remote in hand.
“Sam…do I even want to know why you snuck off to wear a dress?” Castiel answered Dean’s question before Sam even opened his mouth.
“He did not sneak off, Dean. Gabriel and Lucifer had him. They were attempting to win over his affections.” Hearing it said like that had Sam blushing a pretty shade of red.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” He said resolutely, and then ran over to the bathroom.
“Whoa, Sammy, wait a minute. What were they doing that’s got you rushing to the bathroom so quickly?” Dean asked with provocative eyebrow waggling.
“I said I refuse to talk about it!”
“Aw, did their ruffled feathers get you all hot and bothered?”
“Shut. Up. Now.”
“So, Sammy, who will I be giving you away to? The Devil or the guy that gave you herpes?”
“Dean, I will murder you.”
Meanwhile, with Gabe and Lucy…
“So…what do we do now?”
“I could still kill you?”
“Nah, let’s just go out for ice cream or something.”
“…soft serve?”
“Soft serve.”
“…I’m still more powerful than you.”
“My wings are bigger.”
<--Because I can.
Title: Holy Animal Planet
Author: gleeker13
Pairings: Lucifer/Sam/Gabriel love triangle
Fandom:Supernatural
Summary: Gabriel and Lucifer fight over Sam.
Notes: About 900 words. Written for temporalranger because, well, I was still up at 6AM and I figured writing was more fun than going to sleep.
Gabriel and Lucifer stood opposite each other, gazes locked and unwavering, neither accepting defeat.
“Gabriel. You always were my favorite brother. However, that does not mean I will allow you to steal what is rightfully mine.”
Gabriel smirked at his brother. “Lucy, c’mon. I don’t see any reason why we can’t share. Isn’t that what siblings do? Share?”
Lucifer narrowed his eyes and unfurled his large wings in a menacing manner. “Don’t be foolish. What have you been doing while I was away that would convince you that I, of all our brothers, would even consider sharing?”
Gabriel lifted his chin smugly, and, while allowing his own wings to stretch out to their full span, responded with, “I’d hoped you’d say that.” The two angels started circling each other. “You see, my dear brother, I’m not too fond of sharing myself.”
“Uh…guys? Don’t want to interrupt or anything, but, uh, do I really have to be here for this?” Sam questioned sheepishly from where his apparent admirers had tied him to a chair.
“Sambo, you’ve got not just two guys, but two angels fighting over you. Two archangels. Sit back and enjoy the show. Here, I’ll help you play the part.” And with that Gabriel snapped his fingers and suddenly Sam was in a very unmanly, very pink dress. Lucifer glanced at Sam for just a second, and as soon as his eyes returned to Gabriel, they were filled with absolute fury.
“You. Did. Not. Just insult my vessel, my property, with a pink frilly dress.”
“Of course not. Sam isn’t anyone’s property. If there’s one thing Dad got right, it’s the whole ‘free will’ hullabaloo. Given the choice, Sammy here would pick me over you any day. Ain’t that right, Sam-Sam?”
Sam sat there with an expression between disturbed (he was wearing a dress. A pink, frilly, dress. With lacy hems) and terrified (there were two archangels staring at him expectantly. One of which would smite him depending on what he said. On second thought, they would probably both smite him). “I…I plead the fifth?”
Gabriel frowned and Lucifer growled. Like, actually growled. Neither getting the answer they were looking for, they turned back to each other and went back to staring each other down. They each straightened up to their full heights- well, their vessel’s true heights-and Sam knew that if what he was seeing was through a filter, the full effect must be incredible.
“Well, that may not have been a yes, but it sure as Hell wasn’t a no.” Gabriel stated, resorting back to his cocky nature.
“You’d have to be alive for him to choose you.” And Lucifer pounced. The two angels pulled out their handy-dandy I’ma-Cut-You-You-Holy-Assbutt™(it really did sound better in Enochian, honest) devices, and all Sam saw for a while were flashes of the angels leaping back and forth, with the sound of clashing metal at least once every second. Eventually the two stopped and went back to stalking their prey. This pretty much meant that they were walking in a circle again without saying anything. This part was pretty boring actually.
The territorial angels lunged at each other a few more times, stopping after a minute or so, sniping at each other now and then.
(Everywhere from, “You should have just left instead of starting an entire rebellion. I did and look at me; I’m a free bird while you are a pet parrot whose cage door got left open.” “My work proves that God doesn’t really care about these humans,” to, “I’ve got a bigger, not-Sam’s penis.” “He’ll enjoy my company much more!” It was getting pathetic, really.)
Each time the millennia-old angels (who were acting like teenagers) would stop and circle, Sam could only see small cuts in their clothing. At this rate Sam would be here an extremely long time. He was really starting to regret not using the bathroom before getting kidnapped by two psychotic angels.
“Hello, Sam.” The new voice startled Sam, as he was busy concentrating on not peeing his pan- err, dress, to pay attention to his surroundings. The clashing of the I’ma-Cut-You-You-Holy-Assbutt™ devices stopped and Gabriel and Lucifer snapped to attention, making themselves look as big and intimidating as possible once again.
“Cas?” Sam asked incredulously. Gabe frowned.
“Don’t tell me you’re after him too. Just great, another rival suitor.” Castiel tilted his head to the side.
“No, but Dean would like to talk to his brother. I apologize, but you’ve had Sam long enough.” With that, Castiel placed two fingers to Sam’s forehead and the next thing Sam knew, they were in a motel room, Dean laying on a bed with the remote in hand.
“Sam…do I even want to know why you snuck off to wear a dress?” Castiel answered Dean’s question before Sam even opened his mouth.
“He did not sneak off, Dean. Gabriel and Lucifer had him. They were attempting to win over his affections.” Hearing it said like that had Sam blushing a pretty shade of red.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” He said resolutely, and then ran over to the bathroom.
“Whoa, Sammy, wait a minute. What were they doing that’s got you rushing to the bathroom so quickly?” Dean asked with provocative eyebrow waggling.
“I said I refuse to talk about it!”
“Aw, did their ruffled feathers get you all hot and bothered?”
“Shut. Up. Now.”
“So, Sammy, who will I be giving you away to? The Devil or the guy that gave you herpes?”
“Dean, I will murder you.”
Meanwhile, with Gabe and Lucy…
“So…what do we do now?”
“I could still kill you?”
“Nah, let’s just go out for ice cream or something.”
“…soft serve?”
“Soft serve.”
“…I’m still more powerful than you.”
“My wings are bigger.”
<--Because I can.