Fic: I Fear (I Have Nothing To Give) - continued
Title: I Fear (I Have Nothing To Give) - Continued
Pairing: Rachel/Quinn
Rating: R
Continued from HERE
Rachel looked sick. There really was no other way to put it, Quinn thought. She had lost a little weight (weight that Quinn thought she couldn’t stand to lose), and Quinn was starting to really worry about the other girl. She knew that she had told Rachel that she couldn’t take care of her, but that was all she wanted to do. Rachel didn’t even seem to notice her when she walked up to her at her locker. Quinn gently tapped the shorter girl on the shoulder.
“Oh,” the brunette jumped, “hi, Quinn.” She gave the blonde a smile that didn’t quite make it to her eyes.
Quinn looked at her, unthinkingly reaching out to cup her cheek. Rachel leaned back, just out of reach.
“I’m late to class,” the brunette muttered quickly. “I’ll see you in Glee, okay?”
Quinn stopped her with a hand on her forearm when Rachel tried to pass. “No. It’s not okay. Come on,” with that, Quinn led Rachel from the school.
When they got into Quinn’s car, Rachel finally broke the silence, “Where are we going?”
“Your house.”
“What?”
Quinn stopped at a light, turning to face her passenger, “What do you mean, what? You look like hell. We’re going back to your house, and you’re crawling in bed, and I’m going to hold you while you sleep.” The light turned green, and they started moving again. Quinn could see Rachel staring at her out of her peripheral vision. She glanced over quickly, “Do you have an argument?”
Rachel did, she knew she did, but she couldn’t seem to find it. Everything was kind of hazy, and she just thought she’d roll with it until she could clear her head a bit.
“Well?”
“Um, no. Well, maybe. I don’t know.”
Quinn reached over the center console, taking Rachel’s hand in her own. “Well, you can tell it to me after you sleep, because I’m not taking no for an answer right now.”
When they got to Rachel’s house, Quinn helped the smaller girl undress to where she was comfortable, and then they slid under the covers. Rachel was hesitant to move closer to Quinn, so the blonde girl dragged her over. Rachel finally settled, head on Quinn’s shoulder, arm curled up on her chest, and was asleep within five minutes. Quinn listened as the other girl’s breathing evened out, and soon enough she was asleep, too.
It was two hours later when Quinn woke up to her phone vibrating. She replied to Brittany’s text that she and Rachel wouldn’t be at Glee Club today, and to apologize to Mr. Schue for her. She then quickly texted her mom, saying that she was staying at Rachel’s for the night. The singer had not moved once.
Another two hours passed before Quinn could hear one of Rachel’s dads come home. He cracked open Rachel’s door, and smiled at Quinn. “I saw your car,” he whispered.
“She needed some sleep,” Quinn replied. “I hope you don’t mind.”
He smiled brightly, “Not even a little. I am currently thanking any and all deities that you are here.” He nodded once, “I’m going to go make some dinner, maybe you can make her eat something, too?”
Quinn smiled back, “I’ll see what I can do.”
Half an hour later, the smells of said dinner were slowly making their way up to her, and Quinn felt her own stomach growl in response. She rubbed small circles low on Rachel’s back, whispering her name gently. “Rach, wake up. It’s time for dinner.” She felt the smaller girl grip her tighter, fighting against consciousness. Rachel whined quietly, and Quinn placed feather soft kisses on her forehead and temple. “Come on, Rach. We need to get some food in you.”
Rachel’s sleepy eyes opened, and Quinn couldn’t help but think how beautiful she looked. When Rachel became aware of her surroundings she sat up quickly, averting her eyes. “What’s going on?”
Quinn sat up behind her, wrapping an arm around Rachel’s waist and resting her chin on the perfectly positioned shoulder. “We’re going to go downstairs and eat whatever it is that smells so good.” Rachel was tense in her arms, so Quinn leaned back a bit, running her hands up to rub the tight shoulders in front of her. Rachel let out a low groan, of relief or pleasure, Quinn didn’t know. “Okay?”
Rachel nodded.
The two girls were fairly quiet at dinner, and they made their way back to Rachel’s room directly after. Rachel gave Quinn boxers and a t-shirt when Quinn asked if she could stay over. Once they were back in bed, they faced each other. Rachel reached a tentative hand out to trace Quinn’s cheekbone.
“I don’t know if I’ve finally lost it, or if I’m dreaming,” she finally whispered.
Quinn tilted her head to kiss Rachel’s palm. “I’m here.” She felt her heart beat hard in her chest, she knew that she had caused Rachel a lot of pain. “I’m going to try really hard, Rach. I don’t want to run from you.”
Rachel nodded in the dark, “I can handle that.”
Quinn frowned, “Rachel, you can’t just let me walk all over you.”
“I’m not.”
“You kind of are,” Quinn reiterated. “I know-I know that we’ve been through a lot, but I need you to start recognizing that it’s not okay for me to hurt you.”
Rachel stared at her, “But, you’re hurting. And I understand that. I don’t want you to hurt me, but I know you’re hurting, Quinn. I want to be there for you.”
“I want you to be there, too,” Quinn agreed, “but you need to promise me that you’ll stick up for yourself.” She sighed, “Yes, I’m hurting. But you are, too, and I need to see that.” She pulled Rachel closer. “I want you to come with me to my support group tomorrow,” her voice was more vulnerable than she would have liked, but even though she knew Rachel had been supporting her from the start, she found it hard to ask. “Could you do that?”
Rachel nodded again, letting her forehead move to rest against Quinn’s. “I’d really like that.”
Quinn bit her lip, contemplating everything, then leaned in to kiss the other girl chastely. “I love you, too,” she breathed against Rachel’s lips.
Rachel’s eyes opened quickly, “What?”
“I love you.”
Rachel kissed her again, then. “Thank you.”
“Hm?”
“I had just about given up hope.”
Quinn snuggled close, “Well, I’m here now. And I’d like to stay.”
They drifted off to sleep, bodies entwined, confident that the other would be there in the morning.
---
Quinn had butterflies walking into her support group session with Rachel. She hadn’t been nervous to see the people there since her first night, but allowing Rachel to come along, allowing her to see Quinn when she really opened up, that was hard. Rachel, sensing her concern, gave her a reassuring smile, placing a hand low on her back as they walked through the door. They took their seats in the hard orange chairs, waiting as others arrived.
When the session started officially, Rachel listened raptly. Quinn was surprised that when she looked at the other girl, Rachel just stared at whoever was talking, focusing her full attention on them. It helped Quinn to relax a little, seeing that Rachel really wanted to be there. When a quiet settled on the group, Quinn cleared her throat, preparing herself to finally talk. Rachel turned to look at her, and Quinn felt herself blush a little, embarrassed. She quickly cleared those thoughts from her mind, and focused on what she wanted to say.
“I know I haven’t said a whole lot since I started coming. I have told you all a little about what happened, but I’ve mostly listened, wanting to find answers in how to cope, because I still have very little idea of what it is that is making me slowly heal.” Quinn clasped her hands in her lap and continued, “I still feel scared.” She heard a quiet exhalation next to her, but forced herself to ignore Rachel and carry on. “I am afraid that I will never be right again. I’m worried that I won’t ever be enough-for the people I love,” her eyes flicked to her left and she saw Rachel frown. “I don’t know who I am anymore, but I know that I am starting to feel less-less broken, I guess.” She dropped her head, voice crumbling, “I have moments where I feel happy. And I don’t want to.” Quinn stared determinedly at her hands in her lap. “How can I do that? How can I let myself feel joy ever again?”
“Quinn,” Lisa, a middle-aged woman who had lost her seven-year-old boy to leukemia, interjected. Quinn looked up, not all that surprised that someone had interrupted her, they were comfortable with each other at this point to do so. “I’m not going to pretend to have the answers for you, but I want to tell you that you need to find a way to let that go. It’s because of those exact emotions that my husband and I split up. He thought that we needed to seek our own happiness again, and I didn’t agree. He tried, he really did, and I regret that I let him go-choosing to hold onto my grief instead of my husband, who was hurting just as much as I was. I was blind to that, though. I thought it would be betraying James, I thought my little boy would look down from Heaven and see me go on without him, and that he would be hurt. It took my husband leaving me, it took me hitting rock bottom before I realized that James wouldn’t want his mom to be this way.” She smiled at Quinn, but it was bittersweet, “It’s not letting them go. There’s always a place in your heart where you will hold them close. I don’t know how to tell you to do it, but you need to find your own way to let go of that guilt. Because that’s what it is. You’re feeling guilty that you’re alive and your child isn’t. You think there must have been something you could have done to stop it, as a mother. It’s the hardest thing to accept-that it isn’t your fault that your baby died.”
Rachel couldn’t stop herself from reaching out, grabbing Quinn’s hand and squeezing it gently as the tears slipped from hazel eyes.
“It’s not a betrayal. You can’t live your life without any joy, otherwise you’re not actually living. And that’s the betrayal. Be strong for your little girl.” Lisa frowned, “I can’t offer much, but I can lend my history to you, and show you my mistakes. You’re going to make your own, certainly, but try to learn from the ones that have already broken the lives of others.” A lone tear streaked down the older woman’s face, “Don’t push the ones you love away because you’re afraid to return that love.”
When they walked out of the hospital, Rachel wrapped an arm around Quinn’s waist. “Thank you for taking me along,” she said quietly. Quinn just nodded, and Rachel pulled them over to a bench, even though it was a cold February night. “I just want to say something before we go. I know that this is not easy, and I know that we are far from perfect, and I know that the odds are against us.”
Quinn looked at the shorter girl, not sure she liked where the conversation was going.
“What I mean to say is that I know we are going to have a lot of problems to deal with, and I know I’m going to sound so lame saying this, but I want you to know that I’m not going anywhere. I’m here, with you. And you can push at me, you can yell at me-though I don’t suggest it, we need your voice saved for nationals-but I am with you. I am hurting, too. You were right. I’m hurting for you, I’m hurting for what you lost, but I’m hurting for me, too.”
Quinn looked away, but Rachel’s hand darted out to guide her eyes back.
“You can take as much time as you need. We can do this. We can get through this together. Please don’t shut me out. I love you, and I know you love me. Don’t be afraid to live… please,” Rachel added.
Quinn stood up, pacing in front of Rachel. “I don’t know that I can promise anything will get better, Rachel. All I can do is promise that I will try. Because I do want this to work. As terrifying as that is.”
Rachel grinned, standing, and pulled Quinn to her. She gave her a quick kiss, but Quinn lengthened it, not that she was complaining. “That’s all I’m asking,” Rachel whispered against Quinn’s cheek when they parted.
“Okay, but, when you said that you weren’t going anywhere, you didn’t mean that literally, right? Because I’m freezing, so blasting the heat in the car is really tempting right now.”
“Let’s go,” Rachel grinned, tugging the blonde across the parking lot.
---
It was a night like most others they had shared over the previous months. The days were growing longer, springtime closing in on them. Quinn was still living with her parents, though there was a standing offer from the Berrys for their spare room. Quinn no longer felt as though she deserved the state of her home life, at least not all the time, but they were her parents, and she wasn’t able to let them go yet. They had been slightly better lately, and Quinn still believed that had something to do with her sister. She had taken to spending the weekends with Rachel, and her parents hadn’t argued it. Quinn wasn’t naïve enough to believe they’d feel the same way if they knew she was dating Rachel, but that truth hadn’t made it to her parents ears yet. She still wondered what would happen if they did know, and really, it was a matter of when, because she didn’t really feel the desire to hide it. Rachel deserved better than being relegated to a secret.
This night, however, was not about her parents. Rachel had just drifted off to sleep, curled into Quinn’s chest, and the sound of their soft breathing mingling was the only noise in the singer’s room. The months had done a lot to heal the wounds, they were still there, but it felt like things were moving in the right direction. Time had been more helpful than Quinn ever would have imagined. She still felt a sharp pain in her chest when she thought about what she had lost, but she was learning how to be grateful for what she had gained. She was still going to the support group, but now it was more for the added strength it gave her, and not just to ease some of the pain.
Quinn smiled when she heard her girlfriend mumble quietly in her sleep. Everything felt peaceful. And despite feeling it was like any other night, Quinn needed a little bit more this particular evening. She felt her heart swell, overflowing with the amount of love she felt for the girl snuggled against her. All of her friends had helped her through the hardest times she had faced, but only one had treated with her with a seeming unending supply of patience, trust, and love. Rachel had dealt with her mood swings, with her crying, with her lashing out. And she had done it so remarkably well, Quinn wondered sometimes how no one else could see the heart in this girl. Some of it had started to bleed over into school, Rachel had taken some of the edge off of her attitude with the other kids-and Mr. Schue. She was still completely driven, which Quinn loved, and she was still sometimes ruthlessly blunt, which Quinn felt sometimes went over the line-but it was Rachel. The argyle had yet to be retired, but Quinn had made some progress, the pantsuits ended up in a Goodwill drop off, much to Kurt’s (and Quinn’s own) relief. Quinn realized she loved her because she wasn’t perfect, even though sometimes it felt that way when they were alone. Rachel still drove her crazy when she wanted to control every single thing because they both kind of antagonized each other with their stubbornness, but Quinn had decided that when this happened it was better to just kiss the singer until she forgot what it was she was trying to control. It worked in just about everything. Just not Glee. Which, when Quinn was honest with herself, was really okay and probably more beneficial to the club.
The intimacy between them had intensified, but Quinn never felt rushed by Rachel, even though she could tell how much Rachel wanted more. She could hear it in the singer’s labored breathing after any extended period of making out, she could feel it in the hands which became slightly more adventurous, and she could see it in Rachel’s eyes… yet the smaller girl never complained when Quinn backed off. And in that moment of realization, laying in Rachel’s bed, streetlights casting a glow over them, and watching the branches from the tree outside her girlfriend’s window make the shadows dance on the wall, Quinn found how ready she truly was. She fingered the small cross on the chain around her neck, and she actually felt as though time slowed down. She could hear her own heart beating, strong and steady in her chest. She knew this was right.
Rachel slept, oblivious to the revelations Quinn was having, mere centimeters away from her. And that only spurred Quinn on. She grinned as she watched Rachel’s brow furrow, she was clearly having a disconcerting dream. Quinn wondered if it was Sandy Ryerson screaming at her again. And it just kind of happened from there. She couldn’t leave that knit brow unkissed. She kissed Rachel’s forehead softly, smiling when it smoothed out and the other girl let out a contented sigh. And, well, the rest of her just looked so kissable that she couldn’t stop there.
Quinn nibbled on her lip, weighing her options, then just went for it. She kissed a line from Rachel’s ear down her neck, relishing the satin soft skin under her lips. When she got to Rachel’s pulse point, she couldn’t help herself, and her tongue slipped out, flicking against the skin before sucking it gently. She felt Rachel’s breathing increase below her, and she pulled back, graced with the sight of darkening brown eyes. Quinn bit her lip again, biting down the smile that was struggling to stretch across her face. “Hi,” she murmured, so quietly that if Rachel had been even a couple inches further away she might not have heard it.
Rachel looked at her, her gaze penetrating deep into Quinn, and the blonde felt her heart quicken. She took Rachel’s hand, pressing the palm against Quinn’s chest, to let the other girl feel what she was doing to her. Rachel looked at their hands, then her eyes flicked back to Quinn’s. Quinn loved what she saw. The mixture of awe and love was overpowering, and she leaned in. The first touch of their lips was like the first fall of rain on an ocean beach at dusk, slowly dissolving a child’s sandcastle. The longer the kiss went on, the deeper it delved, it felt like more of it was washing away. Quinn felt so alive, like all the pain in the world couldn’t touch them when Rachel opened her mouth to her.
Quinn pulled back and Rachel’s head moved up, trying to maintain the contact. Quinn just sat up, smiling, tugging her shirt over her head. She saw Rachel gulp, eyes big, and she readjusted their bodies to allow for the removal of Rachel’s top. Rachel let out a nearly inaudible moan when their bodies pressed together once more, and Quinn swallowed it in a heated kiss. She took her time, their tongues exploring, and then brought her head down, slipping a rapidly hardening nipple into her mouth. The brunette’s moan was much louder this time, and Quinn was thankful that Rachel’s parents’ room was located on the complete opposite side of the house. Her tongue flicked lazily over and around one nipple, her right hand moving up to mirror the actions on the other. It was heady, this feeling of control, the way Rachel’s body arched and writhed against her, and the noises that escaped with each short breath.
She reveled in that control. That is until a firm hand cupped her through her boy shorts. She bit down in surprise, causing Rachel to hiss in a mix of pleasure and pain.
“Quinn,” the smaller girl groaned. “These,” she tugged on the shorts, “need to go.”
Quickly the remaining barriers between them were shed, and Rachel’s eyes were raking over her, reverent, stripping her bare. And without conscious thought, fingers found wet heat, their bodies shuddering, the girls flush against one another. It built so slowly that Quinn was certain she would have found it torturous if it weren’t for the way Rachel was looking at her. Their gaze never broke for long, though certain touches had their eyes slamming shut in surprise. Quinn felt as though everything but Rachel was in soft focus. Her scope had narrowed to one thing, her senses overloading with the girl pressed against her. Their slick bodies moved together in a rhythm that felt so perfect, it almost seemed wrong. After what seemed like hours, Quinn was biting her lip, whimpering with each moan that Rachel released. And then it all changed, something slid into place, and in that instant-that second, that minute, that hour-Quinn saw lights behind her eyes, felt love so strongly in her heart she couldn’t stop from tumbling into bliss, truly in harmony with Rachel for the first time. Their trembling slowly abated, mouths seeking the other out, tongues tangling in a languid kiss.
“I never thought-I never knew,” Rachel gasped, breathless when they broke apart.
Quinn gingerly brought their lips together once more, “I know. Neither did I.”
And they held onto each other, the world so far away from the sound of their beating hearts, their shared breathing, and their whispered words of love.
originally posted at rachel_quinn
Pairing: Rachel/Quinn
Rating: R
Continued from HERE
Rachel looked sick. There really was no other way to put it, Quinn thought. She had lost a little weight (weight that Quinn thought she couldn’t stand to lose), and Quinn was starting to really worry about the other girl. She knew that she had told Rachel that she couldn’t take care of her, but that was all she wanted to do. Rachel didn’t even seem to notice her when she walked up to her at her locker. Quinn gently tapped the shorter girl on the shoulder.
“Oh,” the brunette jumped, “hi, Quinn.” She gave the blonde a smile that didn’t quite make it to her eyes.
Quinn looked at her, unthinkingly reaching out to cup her cheek. Rachel leaned back, just out of reach.
“I’m late to class,” the brunette muttered quickly. “I’ll see you in Glee, okay?”
Quinn stopped her with a hand on her forearm when Rachel tried to pass. “No. It’s not okay. Come on,” with that, Quinn led Rachel from the school.
When they got into Quinn’s car, Rachel finally broke the silence, “Where are we going?”
“Your house.”
“What?”
Quinn stopped at a light, turning to face her passenger, “What do you mean, what? You look like hell. We’re going back to your house, and you’re crawling in bed, and I’m going to hold you while you sleep.” The light turned green, and they started moving again. Quinn could see Rachel staring at her out of her peripheral vision. She glanced over quickly, “Do you have an argument?”
Rachel did, she knew she did, but she couldn’t seem to find it. Everything was kind of hazy, and she just thought she’d roll with it until she could clear her head a bit.
“Well?”
“Um, no. Well, maybe. I don’t know.”
Quinn reached over the center console, taking Rachel’s hand in her own. “Well, you can tell it to me after you sleep, because I’m not taking no for an answer right now.”
When they got to Rachel’s house, Quinn helped the smaller girl undress to where she was comfortable, and then they slid under the covers. Rachel was hesitant to move closer to Quinn, so the blonde girl dragged her over. Rachel finally settled, head on Quinn’s shoulder, arm curled up on her chest, and was asleep within five minutes. Quinn listened as the other girl’s breathing evened out, and soon enough she was asleep, too.
It was two hours later when Quinn woke up to her phone vibrating. She replied to Brittany’s text that she and Rachel wouldn’t be at Glee Club today, and to apologize to Mr. Schue for her. She then quickly texted her mom, saying that she was staying at Rachel’s for the night. The singer had not moved once.
Another two hours passed before Quinn could hear one of Rachel’s dads come home. He cracked open Rachel’s door, and smiled at Quinn. “I saw your car,” he whispered.
“She needed some sleep,” Quinn replied. “I hope you don’t mind.”
He smiled brightly, “Not even a little. I am currently thanking any and all deities that you are here.” He nodded once, “I’m going to go make some dinner, maybe you can make her eat something, too?”
Quinn smiled back, “I’ll see what I can do.”
Half an hour later, the smells of said dinner were slowly making their way up to her, and Quinn felt her own stomach growl in response. She rubbed small circles low on Rachel’s back, whispering her name gently. “Rach, wake up. It’s time for dinner.” She felt the smaller girl grip her tighter, fighting against consciousness. Rachel whined quietly, and Quinn placed feather soft kisses on her forehead and temple. “Come on, Rach. We need to get some food in you.”
Rachel’s sleepy eyes opened, and Quinn couldn’t help but think how beautiful she looked. When Rachel became aware of her surroundings she sat up quickly, averting her eyes. “What’s going on?”
Quinn sat up behind her, wrapping an arm around Rachel’s waist and resting her chin on the perfectly positioned shoulder. “We’re going to go downstairs and eat whatever it is that smells so good.” Rachel was tense in her arms, so Quinn leaned back a bit, running her hands up to rub the tight shoulders in front of her. Rachel let out a low groan, of relief or pleasure, Quinn didn’t know. “Okay?”
Rachel nodded.
The two girls were fairly quiet at dinner, and they made their way back to Rachel’s room directly after. Rachel gave Quinn boxers and a t-shirt when Quinn asked if she could stay over. Once they were back in bed, they faced each other. Rachel reached a tentative hand out to trace Quinn’s cheekbone.
“I don’t know if I’ve finally lost it, or if I’m dreaming,” she finally whispered.
Quinn tilted her head to kiss Rachel’s palm. “I’m here.” She felt her heart beat hard in her chest, she knew that she had caused Rachel a lot of pain. “I’m going to try really hard, Rach. I don’t want to run from you.”
Rachel nodded in the dark, “I can handle that.”
Quinn frowned, “Rachel, you can’t just let me walk all over you.”
“I’m not.”
“You kind of are,” Quinn reiterated. “I know-I know that we’ve been through a lot, but I need you to start recognizing that it’s not okay for me to hurt you.”
Rachel stared at her, “But, you’re hurting. And I understand that. I don’t want you to hurt me, but I know you’re hurting, Quinn. I want to be there for you.”
“I want you to be there, too,” Quinn agreed, “but you need to promise me that you’ll stick up for yourself.” She sighed, “Yes, I’m hurting. But you are, too, and I need to see that.” She pulled Rachel closer. “I want you to come with me to my support group tomorrow,” her voice was more vulnerable than she would have liked, but even though she knew Rachel had been supporting her from the start, she found it hard to ask. “Could you do that?”
Rachel nodded again, letting her forehead move to rest against Quinn’s. “I’d really like that.”
Quinn bit her lip, contemplating everything, then leaned in to kiss the other girl chastely. “I love you, too,” she breathed against Rachel’s lips.
Rachel’s eyes opened quickly, “What?”
“I love you.”
Rachel kissed her again, then. “Thank you.”
“Hm?”
“I had just about given up hope.”
Quinn snuggled close, “Well, I’m here now. And I’d like to stay.”
They drifted off to sleep, bodies entwined, confident that the other would be there in the morning.
---
Quinn had butterflies walking into her support group session with Rachel. She hadn’t been nervous to see the people there since her first night, but allowing Rachel to come along, allowing her to see Quinn when she really opened up, that was hard. Rachel, sensing her concern, gave her a reassuring smile, placing a hand low on her back as they walked through the door. They took their seats in the hard orange chairs, waiting as others arrived.
When the session started officially, Rachel listened raptly. Quinn was surprised that when she looked at the other girl, Rachel just stared at whoever was talking, focusing her full attention on them. It helped Quinn to relax a little, seeing that Rachel really wanted to be there. When a quiet settled on the group, Quinn cleared her throat, preparing herself to finally talk. Rachel turned to look at her, and Quinn felt herself blush a little, embarrassed. She quickly cleared those thoughts from her mind, and focused on what she wanted to say.
“I know I haven’t said a whole lot since I started coming. I have told you all a little about what happened, but I’ve mostly listened, wanting to find answers in how to cope, because I still have very little idea of what it is that is making me slowly heal.” Quinn clasped her hands in her lap and continued, “I still feel scared.” She heard a quiet exhalation next to her, but forced herself to ignore Rachel and carry on. “I am afraid that I will never be right again. I’m worried that I won’t ever be enough-for the people I love,” her eyes flicked to her left and she saw Rachel frown. “I don’t know who I am anymore, but I know that I am starting to feel less-less broken, I guess.” She dropped her head, voice crumbling, “I have moments where I feel happy. And I don’t want to.” Quinn stared determinedly at her hands in her lap. “How can I do that? How can I let myself feel joy ever again?”
“Quinn,” Lisa, a middle-aged woman who had lost her seven-year-old boy to leukemia, interjected. Quinn looked up, not all that surprised that someone had interrupted her, they were comfortable with each other at this point to do so. “I’m not going to pretend to have the answers for you, but I want to tell you that you need to find a way to let that go. It’s because of those exact emotions that my husband and I split up. He thought that we needed to seek our own happiness again, and I didn’t agree. He tried, he really did, and I regret that I let him go-choosing to hold onto my grief instead of my husband, who was hurting just as much as I was. I was blind to that, though. I thought it would be betraying James, I thought my little boy would look down from Heaven and see me go on without him, and that he would be hurt. It took my husband leaving me, it took me hitting rock bottom before I realized that James wouldn’t want his mom to be this way.” She smiled at Quinn, but it was bittersweet, “It’s not letting them go. There’s always a place in your heart where you will hold them close. I don’t know how to tell you to do it, but you need to find your own way to let go of that guilt. Because that’s what it is. You’re feeling guilty that you’re alive and your child isn’t. You think there must have been something you could have done to stop it, as a mother. It’s the hardest thing to accept-that it isn’t your fault that your baby died.”
Rachel couldn’t stop herself from reaching out, grabbing Quinn’s hand and squeezing it gently as the tears slipped from hazel eyes.
“It’s not a betrayal. You can’t live your life without any joy, otherwise you’re not actually living. And that’s the betrayal. Be strong for your little girl.” Lisa frowned, “I can’t offer much, but I can lend my history to you, and show you my mistakes. You’re going to make your own, certainly, but try to learn from the ones that have already broken the lives of others.” A lone tear streaked down the older woman’s face, “Don’t push the ones you love away because you’re afraid to return that love.”
When they walked out of the hospital, Rachel wrapped an arm around Quinn’s waist. “Thank you for taking me along,” she said quietly. Quinn just nodded, and Rachel pulled them over to a bench, even though it was a cold February night. “I just want to say something before we go. I know that this is not easy, and I know that we are far from perfect, and I know that the odds are against us.”
Quinn looked at the shorter girl, not sure she liked where the conversation was going.
“What I mean to say is that I know we are going to have a lot of problems to deal with, and I know I’m going to sound so lame saying this, but I want you to know that I’m not going anywhere. I’m here, with you. And you can push at me, you can yell at me-though I don’t suggest it, we need your voice saved for nationals-but I am with you. I am hurting, too. You were right. I’m hurting for you, I’m hurting for what you lost, but I’m hurting for me, too.”
Quinn looked away, but Rachel’s hand darted out to guide her eyes back.
“You can take as much time as you need. We can do this. We can get through this together. Please don’t shut me out. I love you, and I know you love me. Don’t be afraid to live… please,” Rachel added.
Quinn stood up, pacing in front of Rachel. “I don’t know that I can promise anything will get better, Rachel. All I can do is promise that I will try. Because I do want this to work. As terrifying as that is.”
Rachel grinned, standing, and pulled Quinn to her. She gave her a quick kiss, but Quinn lengthened it, not that she was complaining. “That’s all I’m asking,” Rachel whispered against Quinn’s cheek when they parted.
“Okay, but, when you said that you weren’t going anywhere, you didn’t mean that literally, right? Because I’m freezing, so blasting the heat in the car is really tempting right now.”
“Let’s go,” Rachel grinned, tugging the blonde across the parking lot.
---
It was a night like most others they had shared over the previous months. The days were growing longer, springtime closing in on them. Quinn was still living with her parents, though there was a standing offer from the Berrys for their spare room. Quinn no longer felt as though she deserved the state of her home life, at least not all the time, but they were her parents, and she wasn’t able to let them go yet. They had been slightly better lately, and Quinn still believed that had something to do with her sister. She had taken to spending the weekends with Rachel, and her parents hadn’t argued it. Quinn wasn’t naïve enough to believe they’d feel the same way if they knew she was dating Rachel, but that truth hadn’t made it to her parents ears yet. She still wondered what would happen if they did know, and really, it was a matter of when, because she didn’t really feel the desire to hide it. Rachel deserved better than being relegated to a secret.
This night, however, was not about her parents. Rachel had just drifted off to sleep, curled into Quinn’s chest, and the sound of their soft breathing mingling was the only noise in the singer’s room. The months had done a lot to heal the wounds, they were still there, but it felt like things were moving in the right direction. Time had been more helpful than Quinn ever would have imagined. She still felt a sharp pain in her chest when she thought about what she had lost, but she was learning how to be grateful for what she had gained. She was still going to the support group, but now it was more for the added strength it gave her, and not just to ease some of the pain.
Quinn smiled when she heard her girlfriend mumble quietly in her sleep. Everything felt peaceful. And despite feeling it was like any other night, Quinn needed a little bit more this particular evening. She felt her heart swell, overflowing with the amount of love she felt for the girl snuggled against her. All of her friends had helped her through the hardest times she had faced, but only one had treated with her with a seeming unending supply of patience, trust, and love. Rachel had dealt with her mood swings, with her crying, with her lashing out. And she had done it so remarkably well, Quinn wondered sometimes how no one else could see the heart in this girl. Some of it had started to bleed over into school, Rachel had taken some of the edge off of her attitude with the other kids-and Mr. Schue. She was still completely driven, which Quinn loved, and she was still sometimes ruthlessly blunt, which Quinn felt sometimes went over the line-but it was Rachel. The argyle had yet to be retired, but Quinn had made some progress, the pantsuits ended up in a Goodwill drop off, much to Kurt’s (and Quinn’s own) relief. Quinn realized she loved her because she wasn’t perfect, even though sometimes it felt that way when they were alone. Rachel still drove her crazy when she wanted to control every single thing because they both kind of antagonized each other with their stubbornness, but Quinn had decided that when this happened it was better to just kiss the singer until she forgot what it was she was trying to control. It worked in just about everything. Just not Glee. Which, when Quinn was honest with herself, was really okay and probably more beneficial to the club.
The intimacy between them had intensified, but Quinn never felt rushed by Rachel, even though she could tell how much Rachel wanted more. She could hear it in the singer’s labored breathing after any extended period of making out, she could feel it in the hands which became slightly more adventurous, and she could see it in Rachel’s eyes… yet the smaller girl never complained when Quinn backed off. And in that moment of realization, laying in Rachel’s bed, streetlights casting a glow over them, and watching the branches from the tree outside her girlfriend’s window make the shadows dance on the wall, Quinn found how ready she truly was. She fingered the small cross on the chain around her neck, and she actually felt as though time slowed down. She could hear her own heart beating, strong and steady in her chest. She knew this was right.
Rachel slept, oblivious to the revelations Quinn was having, mere centimeters away from her. And that only spurred Quinn on. She grinned as she watched Rachel’s brow furrow, she was clearly having a disconcerting dream. Quinn wondered if it was Sandy Ryerson screaming at her again. And it just kind of happened from there. She couldn’t leave that knit brow unkissed. She kissed Rachel’s forehead softly, smiling when it smoothed out and the other girl let out a contented sigh. And, well, the rest of her just looked so kissable that she couldn’t stop there.
Quinn nibbled on her lip, weighing her options, then just went for it. She kissed a line from Rachel’s ear down her neck, relishing the satin soft skin under her lips. When she got to Rachel’s pulse point, she couldn’t help herself, and her tongue slipped out, flicking against the skin before sucking it gently. She felt Rachel’s breathing increase below her, and she pulled back, graced with the sight of darkening brown eyes. Quinn bit her lip again, biting down the smile that was struggling to stretch across her face. “Hi,” she murmured, so quietly that if Rachel had been even a couple inches further away she might not have heard it.
Rachel looked at her, her gaze penetrating deep into Quinn, and the blonde felt her heart quicken. She took Rachel’s hand, pressing the palm against Quinn’s chest, to let the other girl feel what she was doing to her. Rachel looked at their hands, then her eyes flicked back to Quinn’s. Quinn loved what she saw. The mixture of awe and love was overpowering, and she leaned in. The first touch of their lips was like the first fall of rain on an ocean beach at dusk, slowly dissolving a child’s sandcastle. The longer the kiss went on, the deeper it delved, it felt like more of it was washing away. Quinn felt so alive, like all the pain in the world couldn’t touch them when Rachel opened her mouth to her.
Quinn pulled back and Rachel’s head moved up, trying to maintain the contact. Quinn just sat up, smiling, tugging her shirt over her head. She saw Rachel gulp, eyes big, and she readjusted their bodies to allow for the removal of Rachel’s top. Rachel let out a nearly inaudible moan when their bodies pressed together once more, and Quinn swallowed it in a heated kiss. She took her time, their tongues exploring, and then brought her head down, slipping a rapidly hardening nipple into her mouth. The brunette’s moan was much louder this time, and Quinn was thankful that Rachel’s parents’ room was located on the complete opposite side of the house. Her tongue flicked lazily over and around one nipple, her right hand moving up to mirror the actions on the other. It was heady, this feeling of control, the way Rachel’s body arched and writhed against her, and the noises that escaped with each short breath.
She reveled in that control. That is until a firm hand cupped her through her boy shorts. She bit down in surprise, causing Rachel to hiss in a mix of pleasure and pain.
“Quinn,” the smaller girl groaned. “These,” she tugged on the shorts, “need to go.”
Quickly the remaining barriers between them were shed, and Rachel’s eyes were raking over her, reverent, stripping her bare. And without conscious thought, fingers found wet heat, their bodies shuddering, the girls flush against one another. It built so slowly that Quinn was certain she would have found it torturous if it weren’t for the way Rachel was looking at her. Their gaze never broke for long, though certain touches had their eyes slamming shut in surprise. Quinn felt as though everything but Rachel was in soft focus. Her scope had narrowed to one thing, her senses overloading with the girl pressed against her. Their slick bodies moved together in a rhythm that felt so perfect, it almost seemed wrong. After what seemed like hours, Quinn was biting her lip, whimpering with each moan that Rachel released. And then it all changed, something slid into place, and in that instant-that second, that minute, that hour-Quinn saw lights behind her eyes, felt love so strongly in her heart she couldn’t stop from tumbling into bliss, truly in harmony with Rachel for the first time. Their trembling slowly abated, mouths seeking the other out, tongues tangling in a languid kiss.
“I never thought-I never knew,” Rachel gasped, breathless when they broke apart.
Quinn gingerly brought their lips together once more, “I know. Neither did I.”
And they held onto each other, the world so far away from the sound of their beating hearts, their shared breathing, and their whispered words of love.
originally posted at rachel_quinn