December 3, 2005
Pretty good day. H felt good enough to go out and play with Y. They went to the burnt out area on the upper terrace and came back with black seats of the pants and hands. H came home and us girls had french toast. Y played with Ar; A with Ii. A came home in early evening, and Y later. Y has been so frustrated by not having anyone to play with since the cousins moved, I was happy for him to have an eventful and fun day. I only had to send A out once, and after that he was good about not bothering Y or the other kids. He was hug hungry. He wants to get an ear pierced. His school doesn't allow the boys to wear earrings, so I told him maybe in the summer. He has to have a period of six weeks strait of leaving the earring in at the beginning. I guess I don't feel strongly about it one way or the other. Ya wants to get a second earring in one of her ears. So far I have resisted. It seems like this stuff will probably go out of style soon. It has been around since I was a kid. I probably will let her eventually, if she continues to want it. I've given in on a lot of things lately! I still think it was a mistake for her to shave her legs. But maybe I will have the pleasure of gloating when she is 38 and says, "you were right mom." I don't know how men can stand to shave every day. What hell. Of course if they aren't home 24/7 with four kids under the age of six, they probably never get to the point where they think of it any differently than brushing their teeth. I guess I just got so tired that it seemed a torture cruelly imposed on women by society to have to keep legs hair-free. I can't believe I'm writing about this. I'm silly.
What I haven't been writing about and concerns me, is that I am unduly influenced by other people's liking or not liking me. That is something that I have avoided admitting all my life, and thus it has been festering away inside making me sick. So, reluctantly, I will write about it in the hope of banishing the infection. I'm still avoiding it. Since starting this paragraph I have unloaded laundry, loaded laundry, warmed borekas, mixed cocoa, and selected music to listen to. I'm having a hard time overcoming cognitive dissonance to deal with this. When I was a kid and whined to my mother about some conflict between me and another child, she told me that if I wasn't enjoying their company, I didn't have to spend time with them. Simple. Not very social. It had the advantage of making me feel in control, by choosing not to be in contact with them. Ick. It is wonderful for mothers. If your kid avoids all conflict, you have less whining to listen to. Ah, but what about "I'm bored" whines? She told me that intelligent people think interesting thoughts and are therefore not bored. G-d, I loved my mother. Still do. But just think, she had six children under the age of thirteen. She must have been exhausted. And she is extremely introverted. She considers me extroverted! I'm still having trouble getting to the root of the problem. Avoiding conflict doesn't make having your judgment questioned less painful. And it is not always an issue of your judgment being questioned. How about abilities? You should do X. I agree, I should do X. But I can't. And I myself don't realize I can't. Logic says I can. And logic is all I have been taught. I have been taught that fear is illogical, therefore fear does not exist. It is laughable. How can I deal with something that doesn't exist? It is like believing there is a monster under the bed. I am told to just stop believing it because it isn't true. But the fear continues, and gains power through my inability to face it, question it, poke it, prod it; find out how it works and why. As a child, what did I fear? The rejection of the other child. "If you don't X, I won't play with you." I don't want to X. But if I don't, they won't play with me. That hurts. Parental solution: don't play with them. Illusion: I am in control. I am true to my desires. I lose nothing. Truth: I avoid facing head on the pain of the possible rejection. I don't learn to negotiate. I don't learn to argue convincingly. I don't learn to charm. I don't learn to express the importance to me of contact with the other person. I don't learn to accept the importance to me of contact with other people. I think that man is best an island. But that is so far from the truth, and that belief makes me vulnerable. I make bad decisions based on that belief. I isolate myself. And I stagnate. Like a seed that holds itself aloof from sun, rain and soil; I will never fulfill my potential.
Okay, I allow the importance of maintaining distance from those who are dangerous to me. The problem is that I am more likely to make contact with such a person in the first place, knowing that I can control the situation by cutting off contact should the relationship become uncomfortable. People who I really feel a desire to know, I am afraid of. I don't want to be hurt by their rejection and will be aloof to them. The fates have been kind to offer me friendship with people who will not take no for an answer and persistently seek me out. Still I am timid, afraid to express the wholeness of my personality and give freely. I'm working on it in those relationships. What about new relationships. Thirty-eight years of ducking my head and high-tailing it away from people who interest me is difficult to counteract. It is instinct now. Should I form some program of action? Put myself in situations where I will be introduced to people and stuck with them in a relaxed atmosphere? Hm. Workplace is a possibility. Then my agoraphobia comes into play. Is the agoraphobia simply an expression of this fear that has been festering inside, unattended? If I went to work with the express intention of confronting the possibility of rejection by interesting people, would it give me power over the agoraphobia that I didn't have when I thought to work because vaguely "it would be good for me and I need the money?"
And there is the case of the last two instances of my opening myself up to contact with interesting people. So much pain when I felt rejected by S. But eventually I healed and I feel I am stronger for it. Obviously it hurts to be rejected for being who I am. I knew from the beginning we were opposites in many ways. But S did seem to hold out a willingness to give strength to the weak. In the end it is better that I find my own strength. S thought so as well, thus the conflict. Each time I am incapacitated, down, depressed, useless. Acceptance: I am happy, hopeful, active and interested. Why am I so vulnerable to the attitude of others? Is it normal? Is that a simple part of life. Like children being friends/not being friends from one day or hour to the next? I always rejected that. But maybe that is something I should embrace and thus learn to recover more quickly? Maybe something to discuss in our group if the opportunity presents itself.
What I haven't been writing about and concerns me, is that I am unduly influenced by other people's liking or not liking me. That is something that I have avoided admitting all my life, and thus it has been festering away inside making me sick. So, reluctantly, I will write about it in the hope of banishing the infection. I'm still avoiding it. Since starting this paragraph I have unloaded laundry, loaded laundry, warmed borekas, mixed cocoa, and selected music to listen to. I'm having a hard time overcoming cognitive dissonance to deal with this. When I was a kid and whined to my mother about some conflict between me and another child, she told me that if I wasn't enjoying their company, I didn't have to spend time with them. Simple. Not very social. It had the advantage of making me feel in control, by choosing not to be in contact with them. Ick. It is wonderful for mothers. If your kid avoids all conflict, you have less whining to listen to. Ah, but what about "I'm bored" whines? She told me that intelligent people think interesting thoughts and are therefore not bored. G-d, I loved my mother. Still do. But just think, she had six children under the age of thirteen. She must have been exhausted. And she is extremely introverted. She considers me extroverted! I'm still having trouble getting to the root of the problem. Avoiding conflict doesn't make having your judgment questioned less painful. And it is not always an issue of your judgment being questioned. How about abilities? You should do X. I agree, I should do X. But I can't. And I myself don't realize I can't. Logic says I can. And logic is all I have been taught. I have been taught that fear is illogical, therefore fear does not exist. It is laughable. How can I deal with something that doesn't exist? It is like believing there is a monster under the bed. I am told to just stop believing it because it isn't true. But the fear continues, and gains power through my inability to face it, question it, poke it, prod it; find out how it works and why. As a child, what did I fear? The rejection of the other child. "If you don't X, I won't play with you." I don't want to X. But if I don't, they won't play with me. That hurts. Parental solution: don't play with them. Illusion: I am in control. I am true to my desires. I lose nothing. Truth: I avoid facing head on the pain of the possible rejection. I don't learn to negotiate. I don't learn to argue convincingly. I don't learn to charm. I don't learn to express the importance to me of contact with the other person. I don't learn to accept the importance to me of contact with other people. I think that man is best an island. But that is so far from the truth, and that belief makes me vulnerable. I make bad decisions based on that belief. I isolate myself. And I stagnate. Like a seed that holds itself aloof from sun, rain and soil; I will never fulfill my potential.
Okay, I allow the importance of maintaining distance from those who are dangerous to me. The problem is that I am more likely to make contact with such a person in the first place, knowing that I can control the situation by cutting off contact should the relationship become uncomfortable. People who I really feel a desire to know, I am afraid of. I don't want to be hurt by their rejection and will be aloof to them. The fates have been kind to offer me friendship with people who will not take no for an answer and persistently seek me out. Still I am timid, afraid to express the wholeness of my personality and give freely. I'm working on it in those relationships. What about new relationships. Thirty-eight years of ducking my head and high-tailing it away from people who interest me is difficult to counteract. It is instinct now. Should I form some program of action? Put myself in situations where I will be introduced to people and stuck with them in a relaxed atmosphere? Hm. Workplace is a possibility. Then my agoraphobia comes into play. Is the agoraphobia simply an expression of this fear that has been festering inside, unattended? If I went to work with the express intention of confronting the possibility of rejection by interesting people, would it give me power over the agoraphobia that I didn't have when I thought to work because vaguely "it would be good for me and I need the money?"
And there is the case of the last two instances of my opening myself up to contact with interesting people. So much pain when I felt rejected by S. But eventually I healed and I feel I am stronger for it. Obviously it hurts to be rejected for being who I am. I knew from the beginning we were opposites in many ways. But S did seem to hold out a willingness to give strength to the weak. In the end it is better that I find my own strength. S thought so as well, thus the conflict. Each time I am incapacitated, down, depressed, useless. Acceptance: I am happy, hopeful, active and interested. Why am I so vulnerable to the attitude of others? Is it normal? Is that a simple part of life. Like children being friends/not being friends from one day or hour to the next? I always rejected that. But maybe that is something I should embrace and thus learn to recover more quickly? Maybe something to discuss in our group if the opportunity presents itself.