Fic: Guess Who's Hosting Dinner
The invitation came in a heavy, starched envelope with no return address. Jenna ran her hand over the envelope, trembling with excitement. Was this, finally, recognition? If Ryan refused to recognize her, had the Emmys come calling at last?
"I can't bear it," she whispered. She hesitated a moment longer, before opening the envelope carefully, staring in disbelief at the invitation card. In elegant script, vindication came at last:
Ryan 'Malkovich' Murphy
- and his servants Zach and Robert-
Request your humble company at a soiree this Friday night
Chez Ryan. 8pm sharp.
"I don't believe it!" she choked. "Finally... oh, what am I going to wear!"
Her musing was interrupted by her cellphone ringing. She picked it up. "Hello?"
"Jenna," came a sad voice, "it's Robert."
"Robert! Oh my God, thank you! I just got the invitation."
"Yeah, about that," he said morosely. "It was meant for Dianna."
"But how... how did you know I had just opened it?"
"Oh, that. Well you see, Ryan has cameras installed in your home. You should probably stop scratching that. Anyway," he said, attempting to be cheerful, "it's only for the cast so..."
"But I am part of the cast!"
"That's what you think!" cackled someone at the other end of the phone.
"Zachary, hush. I've got this."
"Just tell her to fuck off!"
"Zach, that's not very nice," droned Robert. "I was going to break it to her gently."
"Can you even remember one line, Rob? One line!"
"Zach..."
Jenna shut the cell phone off, growling. "Every time!" she snarled.
--------
"Hello and welcome to Ryan's house," sighed Robert. "Please go straight in. He's expecting you." He hung his head as they trooped past him.
"Guys," said Darren, dancing around the corridor, "isn't this just awesome? We've made it!" he kicked up his heels.
"Give it a rest, there are no cameras on you now," muttered Mark.
"That's what you think," said Ryan, appearing in the doorway. He shoved Heather out of the way and hugged Darren. "Minions, it's time to eat."
As they entered the dining room, scream wailed from the floorboards below.
"What... what was that?" Chris asked, staring at the ground.
Ryan gestured for them to sit. He waited for Zach to charge into the room, pushing past the others, to pull his chair out for them. "That," he said grandly as he sat down, "was the last person who said no to me." He stamped on the floor with his foot. "Enjoy the re-enactment of Daniel and the Lions, you bitch!"
"Poor Cameron," murmured Zach, wiping at his eye.
The servants -- all wearing Dalton blazers and chains around their ankles -- came forward, holding out platters.
Darren grinned. "Guys! Hey! Look, look," he said, pointing at himself, "I'm on TV!"
"Fuck you," said one of the servants, kicking him away as he tried to sign the serving tray. "You've ruined it now!"
Lea stirred her potatoes with her fork, frowning slightly. "To be honest, this, unlike the prices at Tommy Hilfiger, isn't great."
"Well. If you will insist on eating grass and shrubs," Zach said, spooning more of his meal into his mouth. "Mine is delicious. Ryan cooked it himself."
Ryan smiled slightly, digging his knife into the meat. "Are you enjoying the trout, Mike?"
"Actually, it's Harry and..."
A pause descended upon the table. Zach had a hand to his mouth and was looking away. Robert shook his head, mouthing no. Ian rode his unicycle round the table.
"The trout, Mike," Ryan said again. "Do you like it?"
"This is fish?" Mark asked, staring down at his plate.
"I think it's awesome!" Darren said with a fist pump. "I love it!"
"Really?" Ryan raised a hairless eyebrow. "I find it bland and hard to write for."
Dianna glanced down at the trout, a sob catching in her throat. "I... I'm a vegetarian, actually." She pushed the plate away.
Ryan smirked. "Don't worry. I'm pretty sure it was half-vegetable."
"It's delicious," said Cory. "Hey, I think all mine is just mouth, though."
"Yes," sighed Robert sadly. "That was the problem."
"What do you think, Naya?" asked Cory.
Naya opened her mouth and everything that she said was stunning and perfect and flawless because fuck you, she's our queen.
"That's it exactly!" said Robert, cracking a rare smile.
"This is lovely and everything," Heather said. "But didn't you want to talk about season three, Ryan?"
Zach pranced out of his chair and swatted her sharply across the back of the head. "Do not speak directly to Our Lord, you ungrateful cretin!"
"Anyway," said Ryan. "There is a lot of character development planned for Mercedes this season."
"But I saw the script! It just said 'gets a boyfriend."
"Exactly."
"I just... I'd be really grateful if I could have one storyline that doesn't involve food," cried Amber.
"Shut the fuck up and eat your tater tots, sweetheart.'
"Zach, please," Robert sighed with a sigh.
"I think perhaps..." The sound of O Fortuna emanated from Ryan's chest. "Zach?"
Zach moved closer, opening the jacket and muttering thank yous for the privilege. "It's Max," he announced on seeing the cell display.
"I'm not here!" Chris said, making a cutting gesture to his throat.
"Aw, I love Max!" Darren jumped in his seat and made a peace sign.
Ryan motioned for Zach to answer.
"Hello, Max. Yes. Yes. Maybe. Yes. Hold on," Zach covered the mouthpiece. "He wants to know if you saw the retweet about him being just like
James Dean?"
"Yes. He sent it to my e-mail no less than 200 times," said Ryan. "Get rid of him."
He reached for his bottle of Chianti and poured a glass. Chris held out his glass for some, but put it down when Ryan stared at him without blinking for three and a half minutes.
"Darren is the most talented here," said Ryan. "I think we all agree..."
"Excuse me?" Chris interrupted, earning him a withering glance. "You realise that I've written a book and a movie?"
Ryan smiled coldly. He threw his napkin down and stood up, glass of wine in his hand. "Dan Brown wrote a book. The Wayans wrote a movie. They wrote dozens."
"I write blog posts on Tumblr," said Dianna.
"Yes, darling. I've read several of them and I don't have the slightest clue what any of them are about."
"I don't..." Chris blinked back water in his eyes. Ryan stood behind him now, ominously. "Why have I given the last couple years of my life to this pointless venture when..."
"He did it to me, too," Cory whispered. "Season one. Made me think that he had my back. That I was the show's backbone."
Chris looked back to Ryan who was stroking behind Darren's ears.
"Yes. I guess I did. But this one?" He gave Darren a pat to the cheek. "He shits money."
Zach started as the cell began to ring again. "Max. Text message"
"He doesn't give up, does he?" Ryan laughed, pressing his hands down on Darren's shoulders. "And what does Max have to say?"
"He wants to know if you saw him singing on YouTube."
"Plops!" Ian called out, shooting silly string into Cory's face.
Ryan sat back in his chair with a frown. "Look, there's no easy way to say this, but when I fire you next year--"
"What!" cried Cory.
"Oh, shut up, you bitch. I told you at that meal."
'But-- you never had a meal with me,' stammered Cory. 'You never told me!'
"Sure I did," he said, "Lea, remember? I told you at Applebee's."
"Yes! Boy, their Pick n'Pair Lunch Combo really hits a spot and it's only $9.99. Let me just tweet about it."
"And Chris, you remember our little tete a tete at the restaurant in Seattle?"
"Sure."
"And of course, I did the same for you, Cory."
"No, you didn't!"
"Shut the fuck up, you lying liar liarface!" snarled Zach.
Cory did that really puzzled look he pulls all the goddamn time. "Oh, uh. Okay."
'What did you want?' asked Murphy. 'Should I hold your hand? Tell you it's not you, it's me, when we both know that's blatantly untrue?'
'But I don't get it,' said Cory softly.
'There's a shock,' purred Murphy. He sat back, folding his arms. 'I didn't hire you for your brains, did I?'
'Then why? I thought you saw something in me!'
'I thought you saw something in me!' whined Zach. He turned to Murphy, laughing, but quickly sobered under the overlord's gaze.
Murphy regarded him coldly, impassively. His eyes flicked to Cory, who shivered involuntarily. It was like being caught in the path of a panther: that deadly, that lacking in empathy. 'Why do you do this to yourself?' he whispered, 'did you call mommy? Was the 29-year-old teenager traumatized by a stint in showbusiness?'
'To be fair, he was a refugee from TV movies,' said Robert.
"But-- but this doesn't extend to the rest of us, right?" asked Lea, applying her Max Factor limited edition mascara. "Only $7.99 from all good stores," she said.
"Of course it does, you simpleton. I told you."
"You said we were staying!" growled Chris.
"No, I distinctly said you were all to get the fuck out. And I never even invited you here! Why are you all here?"
"You... gave us invitations..." said Cory.
"No, I didn't. Why are you doing this?"
"But--"
"Look," Ryan said. "The fact is, I have a new actor to take over each of your roles. Chris, your role will be filled by... Darren Criss."
"Whoop de doo!" shouted Darren, somersaulting across the table.
"Lea, Rachel shall now be played by Darren Criss."
"Whoo!"
"Brittany and Santana can be played by Darren."
"How does that even work?" asked Naya.
"Simple. We'll just use some CGI."
"I hear," said Lea happily, "that you can get CGI at a snip from Electronics USA. It's five minutes down the street and all for a bargain $780,000."
Chris scowled. "Is everything an advertisement with you?"
"Er, no. I'm just relaxed after my massage from Jenna Hip, with a de-stress treatment from Hope Gillerman."
"Let me guess," said Amber, "Darren's going to play my role?"
"Heavens no, you daft thing!" said Ryan. "You're going to be replaced by Kurtcedes."
He rubbed his hands together. "Now, all of you: get off my property or I'm calling security."
"If you'll just listen..." began Cory.
"Five. Four. Three..."
They all scrambled to their feet, grabbing their purses and coats, and bolted for the door, except for Darren. He broke out into The Circle of Life as Ryan intoned: "Release the hounds."
As they ran for the door, they pushed past a shadowy figure but didn't stop to see who it was; the angry German shepherds were already hard on their heels. "Freeeeeedom!" screamed Naya happily.
Ryan, meanwhile, sank back into his chair, patting Zach's head lovingly. "And all is well."
A tapping came at the window. "Oh, no," sighed Robert. "Oh, this is bad, guys."
"What is it!"
"Go... take a look."
Max was at the window, smiling cheerily. "Do you want to take a look at my headshots, guys?"
***
What Happened Next
*Lea took a job with QVC
* Cory starred in 27 straight-to-DVD slashers
* Chris Colfer won a clutch of awards and screenwriting kudos but sobbed every time he thought of his fabulous outfits from Glee
* Heather did something flawless
*Naya was crowned Queen of the World, you disbelieving douches
* Amber played a sympathetic girlfriend to many a gay character in straight-to-DVD chickflicks
* Harry actually got to be on a show where he had more than two lines for the entire series
* Jenna ... IDK
* Dianna let her hair grow again
* Kevin was sick the night of the meal
* Chord was delicious
"I can't bear it," she whispered. She hesitated a moment longer, before opening the envelope carefully, staring in disbelief at the invitation card. In elegant script, vindication came at last:
Ryan 'Malkovich' Murphy
- and his servants Zach and Robert-
Request your humble company at a soiree this Friday night
Chez Ryan. 8pm sharp.
"I don't believe it!" she choked. "Finally... oh, what am I going to wear!"
Her musing was interrupted by her cellphone ringing. She picked it up. "Hello?"
"Jenna," came a sad voice, "it's Robert."
"Robert! Oh my God, thank you! I just got the invitation."
"Yeah, about that," he said morosely. "It was meant for Dianna."
"But how... how did you know I had just opened it?"
"Oh, that. Well you see, Ryan has cameras installed in your home. You should probably stop scratching that. Anyway," he said, attempting to be cheerful, "it's only for the cast so..."
"But I am part of the cast!"
"That's what you think!" cackled someone at the other end of the phone.
"Zachary, hush. I've got this."
"Just tell her to fuck off!"
"Zach, that's not very nice," droned Robert. "I was going to break it to her gently."
"Can you even remember one line, Rob? One line!"
"Zach..."
Jenna shut the cell phone off, growling. "Every time!" she snarled.
--------
"Hello and welcome to Ryan's house," sighed Robert. "Please go straight in. He's expecting you." He hung his head as they trooped past him.
"Guys," said Darren, dancing around the corridor, "isn't this just awesome? We've made it!" he kicked up his heels.
"Give it a rest, there are no cameras on you now," muttered Mark.
"That's what you think," said Ryan, appearing in the doorway. He shoved Heather out of the way and hugged Darren. "Minions, it's time to eat."
As they entered the dining room, scream wailed from the floorboards below.
"What... what was that?" Chris asked, staring at the ground.
Ryan gestured for them to sit. He waited for Zach to charge into the room, pushing past the others, to pull his chair out for them. "That," he said grandly as he sat down, "was the last person who said no to me." He stamped on the floor with his foot. "Enjoy the re-enactment of Daniel and the Lions, you bitch!"
"Poor Cameron," murmured Zach, wiping at his eye.
The servants -- all wearing Dalton blazers and chains around their ankles -- came forward, holding out platters.
Darren grinned. "Guys! Hey! Look, look," he said, pointing at himself, "I'm on TV!"
"Fuck you," said one of the servants, kicking him away as he tried to sign the serving tray. "You've ruined it now!"
Lea stirred her potatoes with her fork, frowning slightly. "To be honest, this, unlike the prices at Tommy Hilfiger, isn't great."
"Well. If you will insist on eating grass and shrubs," Zach said, spooning more of his meal into his mouth. "Mine is delicious. Ryan cooked it himself."
Ryan smiled slightly, digging his knife into the meat. "Are you enjoying the trout, Mike?"
"Actually, it's Harry and..."
A pause descended upon the table. Zach had a hand to his mouth and was looking away. Robert shook his head, mouthing no. Ian rode his unicycle round the table.
"The trout, Mike," Ryan said again. "Do you like it?"
"This is fish?" Mark asked, staring down at his plate.
"I think it's awesome!" Darren said with a fist pump. "I love it!"
"Really?" Ryan raised a hairless eyebrow. "I find it bland and hard to write for."
Dianna glanced down at the trout, a sob catching in her throat. "I... I'm a vegetarian, actually." She pushed the plate away.
Ryan smirked. "Don't worry. I'm pretty sure it was half-vegetable."
"It's delicious," said Cory. "Hey, I think all mine is just mouth, though."
"Yes," sighed Robert sadly. "That was the problem."
"What do you think, Naya?" asked Cory.
Naya opened her mouth and everything that she said was stunning and perfect and flawless because fuck you, she's our queen.
"That's it exactly!" said Robert, cracking a rare smile.
"This is lovely and everything," Heather said. "But didn't you want to talk about season three, Ryan?"
Zach pranced out of his chair and swatted her sharply across the back of the head. "Do not speak directly to Our Lord, you ungrateful cretin!"
"Anyway," said Ryan. "There is a lot of character development planned for Mercedes this season."
"But I saw the script! It just said 'gets a boyfriend."
"Exactly."
"I just... I'd be really grateful if I could have one storyline that doesn't involve food," cried Amber.
"Shut the fuck up and eat your tater tots, sweetheart.'
"Zach, please," Robert sighed with a sigh.
"I think perhaps..." The sound of O Fortuna emanated from Ryan's chest. "Zach?"
Zach moved closer, opening the jacket and muttering thank yous for the privilege. "It's Max," he announced on seeing the cell display.
"I'm not here!" Chris said, making a cutting gesture to his throat.
"Aw, I love Max!" Darren jumped in his seat and made a peace sign.
Ryan motioned for Zach to answer.
"Hello, Max. Yes. Yes. Maybe. Yes. Hold on," Zach covered the mouthpiece. "He wants to know if you saw the retweet about him being just like
James Dean?"
"Yes. He sent it to my e-mail no less than 200 times," said Ryan. "Get rid of him."
He reached for his bottle of Chianti and poured a glass. Chris held out his glass for some, but put it down when Ryan stared at him without blinking for three and a half minutes.
"Darren is the most talented here," said Ryan. "I think we all agree..."
"Excuse me?" Chris interrupted, earning him a withering glance. "You realise that I've written a book and a movie?"
Ryan smiled coldly. He threw his napkin down and stood up, glass of wine in his hand. "Dan Brown wrote a book. The Wayans wrote a movie. They wrote dozens."
"I write blog posts on Tumblr," said Dianna.
"Yes, darling. I've read several of them and I don't have the slightest clue what any of them are about."
"I don't..." Chris blinked back water in his eyes. Ryan stood behind him now, ominously. "Why have I given the last couple years of my life to this pointless venture when..."
"He did it to me, too," Cory whispered. "Season one. Made me think that he had my back. That I was the show's backbone."
Chris looked back to Ryan who was stroking behind Darren's ears.
"Yes. I guess I did. But this one?" He gave Darren a pat to the cheek. "He shits money."
Zach started as the cell began to ring again. "Max. Text message"
"He doesn't give up, does he?" Ryan laughed, pressing his hands down on Darren's shoulders. "And what does Max have to say?"
"He wants to know if you saw him singing on YouTube."
"Plops!" Ian called out, shooting silly string into Cory's face.
Ryan sat back in his chair with a frown. "Look, there's no easy way to say this, but when I fire you next year--"
"What!" cried Cory.
"Oh, shut up, you bitch. I told you at that meal."
'But-- you never had a meal with me,' stammered Cory. 'You never told me!'
"Sure I did," he said, "Lea, remember? I told you at Applebee's."
"Yes! Boy, their Pick n'Pair Lunch Combo really hits a spot and it's only $9.99. Let me just tweet about it."
"And Chris, you remember our little tete a tete at the restaurant in Seattle?"
"Sure."
"And of course, I did the same for you, Cory."
"No, you didn't!"
"Shut the fuck up, you lying liar liarface!" snarled Zach.
Cory did that really puzzled look he pulls all the goddamn time. "Oh, uh. Okay."
'What did you want?' asked Murphy. 'Should I hold your hand? Tell you it's not you, it's me, when we both know that's blatantly untrue?'
'But I don't get it,' said Cory softly.
'There's a shock,' purred Murphy. He sat back, folding his arms. 'I didn't hire you for your brains, did I?'
'Then why? I thought you saw something in me!'
'I thought you saw something in me!' whined Zach. He turned to Murphy, laughing, but quickly sobered under the overlord's gaze.
Murphy regarded him coldly, impassively. His eyes flicked to Cory, who shivered involuntarily. It was like being caught in the path of a panther: that deadly, that lacking in empathy. 'Why do you do this to yourself?' he whispered, 'did you call mommy? Was the 29-year-old teenager traumatized by a stint in showbusiness?'
'To be fair, he was a refugee from TV movies,' said Robert.
"But-- but this doesn't extend to the rest of us, right?" asked Lea, applying her Max Factor limited edition mascara. "Only $7.99 from all good stores," she said.
"Of course it does, you simpleton. I told you."
"You said we were staying!" growled Chris.
"No, I distinctly said you were all to get the fuck out. And I never even invited you here! Why are you all here?"
"You... gave us invitations..." said Cory.
"No, I didn't. Why are you doing this?"
"But--"
"Look," Ryan said. "The fact is, I have a new actor to take over each of your roles. Chris, your role will be filled by... Darren Criss."
"Whoop de doo!" shouted Darren, somersaulting across the table.
"Lea, Rachel shall now be played by Darren Criss."
"Whoo!"
"Brittany and Santana can be played by Darren."
"How does that even work?" asked Naya.
"Simple. We'll just use some CGI."
"I hear," said Lea happily, "that you can get CGI at a snip from Electronics USA. It's five minutes down the street and all for a bargain $780,000."
Chris scowled. "Is everything an advertisement with you?"
"Er, no. I'm just relaxed after my massage from Jenna Hip, with a de-stress treatment from Hope Gillerman."
"Let me guess," said Amber, "Darren's going to play my role?"
"Heavens no, you daft thing!" said Ryan. "You're going to be replaced by Kurtcedes."
He rubbed his hands together. "Now, all of you: get off my property or I'm calling security."
"If you'll just listen..." began Cory.
"Five. Four. Three..."
They all scrambled to their feet, grabbing their purses and coats, and bolted for the door, except for Darren. He broke out into The Circle of Life as Ryan intoned: "Release the hounds."
As they ran for the door, they pushed past a shadowy figure but didn't stop to see who it was; the angry German shepherds were already hard on their heels. "Freeeeeedom!" screamed Naya happily.
Ryan, meanwhile, sank back into his chair, patting Zach's head lovingly. "And all is well."
A tapping came at the window. "Oh, no," sighed Robert. "Oh, this is bad, guys."
"What is it!"
"Go... take a look."
Max was at the window, smiling cheerily. "Do you want to take a look at my headshots, guys?"
***
What Happened Next
*Lea took a job with QVC
* Cory starred in 27 straight-to-DVD slashers
* Chris Colfer won a clutch of awards and screenwriting kudos but sobbed every time he thought of his fabulous outfits from Glee
* Heather did something flawless
*Naya was crowned Queen of the World, you disbelieving douches
* Amber played a sympathetic girlfriend to many a gay character in straight-to-DVD chickflicks
* Harry actually got to be on a show where he had more than two lines for the entire series
* Jenna ... IDK
* Dianna let her hair grow again
* Kevin was sick the night of the meal
* Chord was delicious