Xylophone Buggery, Part 7wowthatismintyJuly 22 2010, 03:14:17 UTC
"Come on, you big lump," Tina says, wrestling Owen into the kiddie pool. "Mama needs to wash the stink off of you." "Tee, I think he hates it." "No, he just hates getting in. Once he realizes that he's not gonna drown....you see that? There he goes." "He's trying to eat a butterfly." "He's having fun. Good boy. Good puppy."
Tina takes Owen's face in her hands.
"I wuv you. I wuv you sooo sooo much my wittle dwoopy guy, dwoopy dwoopy guy. But quit horking on my boyfriend's clothes, aiight? Good baby. Good doggie." "You're so good with him." "He's my homie, Artie. He's a badass." "Come sit with me when you're done." "I can get out now that he's situated," Tina says, climbing out of the kiddie pool as Owen's tail swishes through the water. "Want to stay in your chair or transfer to the chaise?" "The chaise," he says, unbuckling himself. "I tried to rub all the sunscreen in but I might still be a little slick."
Tina slides Artie onto the chaise and puts out a towel for herself on the other one.
"I'm going to go get some stuff from the fridge so we don't get dehydrated. Any requests?" "Orange juice?" "Ew." "Ew what? Orange juice is good." "I don't trust drinks I can't see through." "You can't see through grape juice, Tee." "Yes, I can. I'm magic." ---
"Tee..." "Yes, love?" Tina says, a glass of orange juice in one hand, a glass of lemonade in the other and a bag of Pirate's Booty under her left arm. "Your seat has been usurped by a wet basset hound." "Go. GO!"
Owen shuffles off dejectedly. Tina hands Artie the drinks and pushes her chaise next to him.
"Hand me the lemonade?"
He does and she drinks it all in one gulp.
"What? I was thirsty."
Artie turns his head towards Tina and greets her eyes with a very concerned look.
"How's your vagina?" "What?" "You bruised it when you Tom Cruised it across the floor." "That rhymes...and....it's fine. Now don't get any ideas, we can't have a repeat of the Puckerman incident. Remember, I could escape from Puck's house. I can't escape from here. Not until I graduate. However, Betty and I appreciate your concern and we would love the company of the Righteous Blade of Equality at some point later tonight."
Tina closes her eyes. Artie grabs her hand and weaves her fingers in between his. He watches her chest rise and fall and unconsciously begins copying her breathing patterns. Her arm goes limp and he realizes she's fallen asleep.
Xylophone Buggery, Part 8wowthatismintyJuly 22 2010, 13:24:22 UTC
On the bright side, Artie's prepared this time with his notebook and pen. On the Dark Side, there's Darth Vader.
Artie reaches down to his right and grabs his backpack. He feels himself falling a little, but even in her sleep Tina's got a pretty good hold on him. He pulls out his notebook and begins a rough sketch of Owen floating about, using his gigantic pendulous ears as a propeller. Tina grips Artie's left hand tightly.
"Giiirrrrrlll," Tina groans, "you a hot mess, you a hot-ass mess."
Into the notebook.
A dragonfly lands on Tina's face. Artie leans over and blows it off of her.
He's been wondering when he was going to get a cameo in her sleep babble. He uses all of his strength to pull himself closer to her and rests his head on her shoulder.
"If weeeeeeeee don't get more duets before we graduate, I'ma fart in Mr. Schue's general direction at commencement. Hee!"
Keep them coming, Artie thinks, pulling the towel over their faces. He doesn't care if his legs get sunburnt, but he's worried that the sunlight might roast his eyes through his glasses like an ant through a magnifying glass.
"I wanna....do nothing for a little while. Get a house, make love, eat peanut butter on apple slices, RAISE BABY TURTLES!" Tina screams, waking herself up. "Tee," Artie says, stroking her arm. "What just happened?" "You yelled at yourself." "Where am I?" "We're still on the patio. It was getting kind of hot so I put the towel over our heads." "What did I say?" "You called someone a hot-ass mess. You were talking about the breeze. You said my name about a bazillion times. You threatened to fart at Mr. Schue if we didn't get more duets. And then you planned for the future," he says, kissing her hand. "The future? What'd I say?" "You suggested we get a house, make love, eat apple slices with peanut butter on them and then raise baby turtles." "Baby turtles?" "You screamed the last part." "I guess I just really like baby turtles." "They grow up, you know. Into big turtles. Maybe we should go inside. I think your dog may have melted." ---
"It seems like whatever we do," Artie says, "we always end up in your bed."
Tina giggles.
"So our activities are a little circuitous, so what? It's not like we don't have fun," she says, poking him in the forehead. "You do know I can transfer myself into your bed, right?" "Yeah," she blushes, "but I like helping. Makes me feel closer to you." "What time is it?"
Tina looks up at the clock on her wall.
"Quarter to 12. Gives us time for a little nap, then lunch, then whatever, then dinner, then you know..." "Nap? Jesus, Tee. You were asleep literally ten minutes ago." "The heat makes me tired." "I'm worried that you might be sick or something. Like mono. If you have mono, I have mono." "You can't get it twice and I had it in the seventh grade." "Who the hell were you kissing in the seventh grade?" "NOBODY! I shared a soda with my friend Heather." "Well, is something upsetting you? I mean, are you worried about getting into college? Is there some sort of family thing? Did I do something wrong?" "No, no and definitely not," Tina says, wrapping her legs around Artie. "We should go to a doctor. Maybe you have, like, a vitamin deficiency. I mean, maybe you need more infusions of Vitamin A, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more..." "I have a VERY balanced diet," Tina pouts. "I know that," Artie says, "but maybe you're not absorbing all of your nutrients. You're young, you shouldn't be this tired." "I'm fiiiiine," she says, nibbling his shoulder. "Unf...Jesus, Tee." "Wake me up when you want to make lunch. I have some spinach and gorgonzola and walnuts in the fridge....we could make salads," she says before nodding off. "Tee," Artie says, worriedly running his fingers through her hair, "I hope you're OK."
He lies back, feeling her every heartbeat. Five minutes go by, then ten, then fifty. His stomach begins to growl. Tina stirs.
"Tee, I think he hates it."
"No, he just hates getting in. Once he realizes that he's not gonna drown....you see that? There he goes."
"He's trying to eat a butterfly."
"He's having fun. Good boy. Good puppy."
Tina takes Owen's face in her hands.
"I wuv you. I wuv you sooo sooo much my wittle dwoopy guy, dwoopy dwoopy guy. But quit horking on my boyfriend's clothes, aiight? Good baby. Good doggie."
"You're so good with him."
"He's my homie, Artie. He's a badass."
"Come sit with me when you're done."
"I can get out now that he's situated," Tina says, climbing out of the kiddie pool as Owen's tail swishes through the water.
"Want to stay in your chair or transfer to the chaise?"
"The chaise," he says, unbuckling himself. "I tried to rub all the sunscreen in but I might still be a little slick."
Tina slides Artie onto the chaise and puts out a towel for herself on the other one.
"I'm going to go get some stuff from the fridge so we don't get dehydrated. Any requests?"
"Orange juice?"
"Ew."
"Ew what? Orange juice is good."
"I don't trust drinks I can't see through."
"You can't see through grape juice, Tee."
"Yes, I can. I'm magic."
---
"Tee..."
"Yes, love?" Tina says, a glass of orange juice in one hand, a glass of lemonade in the other and a bag of Pirate's Booty under her left arm.
"Your seat has been usurped by a wet basset hound."
"Go. GO!"
Owen shuffles off dejectedly. Tina hands Artie the drinks and pushes her chaise next to him.
"Hand me the lemonade?"
He does and she drinks it all in one gulp.
"What? I was thirsty."
Artie turns his head towards Tina and greets her eyes with a very concerned look.
"How's your vagina?"
"What?"
"You bruised it when you Tom Cruised it across the floor."
"That rhymes...and....it's fine. Now don't get any ideas, we can't have a repeat of the Puckerman incident. Remember, I could escape from Puck's house. I can't escape from here. Not until I graduate. However, Betty and I appreciate your concern and we would love the company of the Righteous Blade of Equality at some point later tonight."
Tina closes her eyes. Artie grabs her hand and weaves her fingers in between his. He watches her chest rise and fall and unconsciously begins copying her breathing patterns. Her arm goes limp and he realizes she's fallen asleep.
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Artie reaches down to his right and grabs his backpack. He feels himself falling a little, but even in her sleep Tina's got a pretty good hold on him. He pulls out his notebook and begins a rough sketch of Owen floating about, using his gigantic pendulous ears as a propeller. Tina grips Artie's left hand tightly.
"Giiirrrrrlll," Tina groans, "you a hot mess, you a hot-ass mess."
Into the notebook.
A dragonfly lands on Tina's face. Artie leans over and blows it off of her.
"Nice breeze. Virgin Islands-y. Bahamanian. Arubian....mmm."
She releases her grip on his hand and begins slapping the side of the chaise.
"Artieartieartieartieartieartieartieartieartieartieartieartieartie."
He's been wondering when he was going to get a cameo in her sleep babble. He uses all of his strength to pull himself closer to her and rests his head on her shoulder.
"If weeeeeeeee don't get more duets before we graduate, I'ma fart in Mr. Schue's general direction at commencement. Hee!"
Keep them coming, Artie thinks, pulling the towel over their faces. He doesn't care if his legs get sunburnt, but he's worried that the sunlight might roast his eyes through his glasses like an ant through a magnifying glass.
"I wanna....do nothing for a little while. Get a house, make love, eat peanut butter on apple slices, RAISE BABY TURTLES!" Tina screams, waking herself up.
"Tee," Artie says, stroking her arm.
"What just happened?"
"You yelled at yourself."
"Where am I?"
"We're still on the patio. It was getting kind of hot so I put the towel over our heads."
"What did I say?"
"You called someone a hot-ass mess. You were talking about the breeze. You said my name about a bazillion times. You threatened to fart at Mr. Schue if we didn't get more duets. And then you planned for the future," he says, kissing her hand.
"The future? What'd I say?"
"You suggested we get a house, make love, eat apple slices with peanut butter on them and then raise baby turtles."
"Baby turtles?"
"You screamed the last part."
"I guess I just really like baby turtles."
"They grow up, you know. Into big turtles. Maybe we should go inside. I think your dog may have melted."
---
"It seems like whatever we do," Artie says, "we always end up in your bed."
Tina giggles.
"So our activities are a little circuitous, so what? It's not like we don't have fun," she says, poking him in the forehead.
"You do know I can transfer myself into your bed, right?"
"Yeah," she blushes, "but I like helping. Makes me feel closer to you."
"What time is it?"
Tina looks up at the clock on her wall.
"Quarter to 12. Gives us time for a little nap, then lunch, then whatever, then dinner, then you know..."
"Nap? Jesus, Tee. You were asleep literally ten minutes ago."
"The heat makes me tired."
"I'm worried that you might be sick or something. Like mono. If you have mono, I have mono."
"You can't get it twice and I had it in the seventh grade."
"Who the hell were you kissing in the seventh grade?"
"NOBODY! I shared a soda with my friend Heather."
"Well, is something upsetting you? I mean, are you worried about getting into college? Is there some sort of family thing? Did I do something wrong?"
"No, no and definitely not," Tina says, wrapping her legs around Artie.
"We should go to a doctor. Maybe you have, like, a vitamin deficiency. I mean, maybe you need more infusions of Vitamin A, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more..."
"I have a VERY balanced diet," Tina pouts.
"I know that," Artie says, "but maybe you're not absorbing all of your nutrients. You're young, you shouldn't be this tired."
"I'm fiiiiine," she says, nibbling his shoulder.
"Unf...Jesus, Tee."
"Wake me up when you want to make lunch. I have some spinach and gorgonzola and walnuts in the fridge....we could make salads," she says before nodding off.
"Tee," Artie says, worriedly running his fingers through her hair, "I hope you're OK."
He lies back, feeling her every heartbeat. Five minutes go by, then ten, then fifty. His stomach begins to growl. Tina stirs.
"Baby?"
"Yeah, Tee?"
"Xylophone....buggery."
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