Welcome to the Glee Angst Meme again! You know how these things work. You can come here and prompt your most angsty prompts, and write stories filling those angsty prompts to let our characters suffer
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FILLED: Wrong (16/?)
anonymous
December 30 2011, 16:15:05 UTC
The following days only confirm his conviction. There are three other people after suicide attempts on the ward and their stories shared during the group therapy, as well as their stares than he feels every time he turns his back, make Blaine feel deeply ashamed and even more worthless. People have so much worse problems than his; what right does he have to bother anyone with his silly trouble? To take space, time and money that could have been put to better use helping others?
There’s a man who tried to kill himself after he was diagnosed with HIV and learned that he inadvertently infected his pregnant wife. There’s a woman whose entire family was killed in a car crash, and another who lost her house and savings because of her husband’s gambling addiction. There are people with other serious problems here, and Blaine feels like a preschooler trying to discuss his childish misfortunes with a group of adults.
Rationally, he knows that nobody is probably making fun of him behind his back or judging him too harshly - they all have way too much on their own platters to think about some misguided teenager. But it’s enough that he knows the truth and understands the implications of it. And these are simple enough: no one can really help him, because there’s nothing to help with. He’s a failure; it’s not something that can be cured, it’s just what he is, like his sexuality. The only decent thing he can do is not being a nuisance for other people - his parents, Kurt, the society in general. It’s not like he will try suicide again; it was a stupid impulse, and he promised himself and Kurt that it wouldn’t happen again. He just needs to disappear. Well, not literally, this would be exactly what being a nuisance meant. No, he would just fade into the background. Learn not to draw attention, be invisible. Stop trying so hard to prove to himself and others that he’s worth something. Because he isn’t, and it’s time to accept it.
So for the remaining days in the hospital Blaine does what he’s an expert at - puts on a show face, grits his teeth and pretends that everything’s good, steadily better. That he sleeps through nights even though he never asks for sleeping pills again, that he takes everything he can from the therapy sessions and group activities, and starts feeling more hopeful. Anything, just to survive the rest of the week and go home at last.
He must be good at that, too, which actually surprises him, because aren’t therapists and psychologists supposed to see through such tricks? But they don’t, not really - they take his quiet participation in everything and occasional weak smile as a good sign. On the last day his therapist tells him with a smile that thankfully, his depression was caught early and isn’t severe yet, and with him trying so hard to get over it, he should be able to get much better soon with therapy alone, without medication. He’s assigned a therapist outside the hospital and given a schedule of sessions for the first month - three times a week, for starters. If he continues to improve, he’ll be allowed to go back to school after Christmas break.
Blaine feels a little guilty that what the young woman sees as a therapeutic success is nothing more than a dupe, but he quickly tells himself it’s better in the long run. He’ll do what he needs to for everyone to believe that he’s fine and save them trouble. His mother won’t have to worry and spend money on meds and counseling which won’t help anyway. Kurt will be able to leave him behind without feeling guilty for deserting him in need. And Blaine will finally allow himself to stop fighting for unattainable goals and just let the currents of life take him wherever.
His room at home welcomes him with blessed absence of other people and silence he can drown in while his mum works quietly in her office downstairs. Blaine drops face down on his bed and spends the next 17 hours there, pretending to be asleep.
Re: FILLED: Wrong (16/?)punkkitten2113December 30 2011, 17:11:06 UTC
;__; This one has been the hardest of all for me to read....drawing within himself to hide the pain is the WORST thing he can do.....oh god, you're killing me with this.....
Re: FILLED: Wrong (16/?)stut_terDecember 31 2011, 05:52:12 UTC
This is what I keep telling her. God. Breaking my heart into tiny pieces, sending them through a shredder, blending them, and then dumping them into a sewer grate.
Re: FILLED: Wrong (16/?)
anonymous
January 1 2012, 22:52:51 UTC
I've had a lot of reactions to Glee fanfiction.
I've cried, I've lost the ability to breathe properly, I've even screamed at the computer more than once for various fics...
...this is the first time I've had to walk away. This is the first time I've slammed the computer shut because I can't deal with what I'm reading. ...and more importantly, I came back.
It hurts so much because I UNDERSTAND Blaine in this. I've never seen this particular kind of depression addressed and...god, I need to read this fic even though it's killing me.
Re: FILLED: Wrong (16/?)
anonymous
January 2 2012, 03:57:13 UTC
I am so Blaine in this situation. I spent every one of my therapy sessions pretending I was getting better and convinced everyone I didn't need it anymore. I just hope someone realizes what Blaine's doing before it's too late. Because that is really the stupidest thing I have ever done.
Stop trying so hard to prove to himself and others that he’s worth something. Because he isn’t, and it’s time to accept it. That is so spot-on.
OMG, the therapist who told him "his depression was caught early and isn’t severe yet" sounds as stupid as one of the therapists I had as a teenager. I hope he gets better help outside the hospital.
There’s a man who tried to kill himself after he was diagnosed with HIV and learned that he inadvertently infected his pregnant wife. There’s a woman whose entire family was killed in a car crash, and another who lost her house and savings because of her husband’s gambling addiction. There are people with other serious problems here, and Blaine feels like a preschooler trying to discuss his childish misfortunes with a group of adults.
Rationally, he knows that nobody is probably making fun of him behind his back or judging him too harshly - they all have way too much on their own platters to think about some misguided teenager. But it’s enough that he knows the truth and understands the implications of it. And these are simple enough: no one can really help him, because there’s nothing to help with. He’s a failure; it’s not something that can be cured, it’s just what he is, like his sexuality. The only decent thing he can do is not being a nuisance for other people - his parents, Kurt, the society in general. It’s not like he will try suicide again; it was a stupid impulse, and he promised himself and Kurt that it wouldn’t happen again. He just needs to disappear. Well, not literally, this would be exactly what being a nuisance meant. No, he would just fade into the background. Learn not to draw attention, be invisible. Stop trying so hard to prove to himself and others that he’s worth something. Because he isn’t, and it’s time to accept it.
So for the remaining days in the hospital Blaine does what he’s an expert at - puts on a show face, grits his teeth and pretends that everything’s good, steadily better. That he sleeps through nights even though he never asks for sleeping pills again, that he takes everything he can from the therapy sessions and group activities, and starts feeling more hopeful. Anything, just to survive the rest of the week and go home at last.
He must be good at that, too, which actually surprises him, because aren’t therapists and psychologists supposed to see through such tricks? But they don’t, not really - they take his quiet participation in everything and occasional weak smile as a good sign. On the last day his therapist tells him with a smile that thankfully, his depression was caught early and isn’t severe yet, and with him trying so hard to get over it, he should be able to get much better soon with therapy alone, without medication. He’s assigned a therapist outside the hospital and given a schedule of sessions for the first month - three times a week, for starters. If he continues to improve, he’ll be allowed to go back to school after Christmas break.
Blaine feels a little guilty that what the young woman sees as a therapeutic success is nothing more than a dupe, but he quickly tells himself it’s better in the long run. He’ll do what he needs to for everyone to believe that he’s fine and save them trouble. His mother won’t have to worry and spend money on meds and counseling which won’t help anyway. Kurt will be able to leave him behind without feeling guilty for deserting him in need. And Blaine will finally allow himself to stop fighting for unattainable goals and just let the currents of life take him wherever.
His room at home welcomes him with blessed absence of other people and silence he can drown in while his mum works quietly in her office downstairs. Blaine drops face down on his bed and spends the next 17 hours there, pretending to be asleep.
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I've cried, I've lost the ability to breathe properly, I've even screamed at the computer more than once for various fics...
...this is the first time I've had to walk away. This is the first time I've slammed the computer shut because I can't deal with what I'm reading. ...and more importantly, I came back.
It hurts so much because I UNDERSTAND Blaine in this. I've never seen this particular kind of depression addressed and...god, I need to read this fic even though it's killing me.
Thank you.
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Reply
That is so spot-on.
OMG, the therapist who told him "his depression was caught early and isn’t severe yet" sounds as stupid as one of the therapists I had as a teenager. I hope he gets better help outside the hospital.
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