meditations on the "shuffle songs" function of an ipod.

[gleamingkey]

again i find myself at my desk downstairs at the hilltop office. and again, i’m wasting time, only this time, i’m listening to my ipod on shuffle. i have been doing so for the past half hour or so, part of which was during my lunch break. while on the later portion of this lunch break, it occurred to me how typically 21st-Century the concept of

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[gleamingkey]

see, this is the way i would love to be able to operate. and i sort of can. i can sort of enjoy going to my friend's house in the afternoon and having a couple beers, relaxing in the sun, whatever. but once i have a little bit of alcohol in me, i don't want to go back to sobriety until i wake up the next day. so if it's 3:00 in the afternoon, and i'm only planning on hanging out for an hour, then heading home to finish homework and go to rehearsal...i'll just have the first couple, then decide nothing else is important and that i need to keep drinking. now, since i'm in lowkey hangout mode, i might stick to a couple beers--or one, even--an hour. but i maintain some level of buzz until i go to sleep.

i'm not sayingn that nobody should drink. and i'm certainly not saying that everyone who drinks is an alcoholic. but i think that people like me, who have alcoholic fathers and alcoholic tendencied, should put two and two together and circumvent the situation before it arises. especially since yesterday, i was talking to my dad about this choice, and he said that the way i describe my drinking habits are like i was talking about him in college. it's like...i feel like i'm dodging a bullet that will most certainly hit me if i don't dodge it.

see, despite what we'd like to think about ourselves, pretty much everyone has a vice. and at least for right now, weed is a vice that works for me. i can smoke a doobie and then be cool for the night. i can also smoke a doobie and maintain a conversation, as well as some sense of normalcy, wheras when i'm drinking, i'm usually transforming myself into someone exceptionally angry, exceptionally weepy, or exceptionally loud.

and i dunno. maybe i will still try to drink socially on some occasions. but once alcohol becomes a normal part of my life, it quickly becomes a VERY REGULAR part of my life, and i ain't havin that. if my kids have to spend their high school years afraid that their dad's going to come home and start a fight with them, i'll never forgive myself.

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