I miss my mom.
I don’t know where to begin. I am feeling so many things and all of them hurt.
Yesterday, September 28, 2009. My mother passed away.
I am writing this to try to put words to my feelings, doubts, anger and fears in hope that it will help me through this whirlwind of emotional trauma I am currently experiencing.
My mother was a great woman. I don’t say that because she has passed, but because it is true. The woman didn’t have an evil bone in her body. She never knew a stranger. She easily would bring up conversation to people she just met or even who were just in the area she was in, much to my discomfort. She was the eternal optimist, always looking for the better day or the silver lining.
While there were those I know she didn’t care for because of something they had done, she never let it show to them. She was my world and now she is gone.
Last Monday she went into the hospital for dehydration. It was speculated that it was brought on by a mild case of food poisoning which was resulting in vomiting and dyarea. This was believed because her nephew also had the same symptoms but got over them faster.
So my uncle called me to inform me she was in the hospital. I spoke to him and then spoke to my mother. Our conversation was cut short because some nurses came in. It was expected that she would get an IV to replenish her fluids and be out in 1 or 2 days. I told her I would give her a call the next day and that I loved her.
I didn’t call. I don’t remember the reasons why, I got busy and forgot. Busy doing nothing important. I didn’t think about it. I figured she would home by Wednesday at the latest. It wasn’t uncommon for a few days to go by without talking to each other. She would call me if she wanted to talk.
Wednesday I was going to call but it was late when I thought about it, again each time Thursday and Friday. I went out of town Saturday and didn’t get home till early Sunday morning around 5-6am. I figured I would give her a call when I woke up. I knew I hadn’t talked to her in a few days and wanted to.
Sunday morning at 8am I got a call from the hospital. I honestly didn’t think she was still there. The said that they needed to draw a line and put her on a respirator because her blood pressure was dropping.
This was not the first time this had happened. Mom had always had low blood pressure and this was not the first time they had put her on the respirator. I was barely coherent having only been asleep a couple of hours. The nurse was less than helpful in answering my questions as to why she was even still there. All she kept doing was repeating the same thing over and over. I gave them consent to do it and figured I would get a couple more hours sleep then head down to find out what was going on.
It sounds horrible, but this was not the first time this had happened, I don’t want to say it was standard procedure but it wasn’t uncommon. Mom had averaged being in the hospital for one reason or another every month and many times it was her blood pressure.
I woke up a couple of hours later to find messages from my uncle and aunts and the hospital again. They had called when I was asleep and I didn’t hear the message. The said they had to rush her into emergency surgery. I found out that it had something to do with her colon/bowels and that according to my aunts if they didn’t she would die and if they did there was still a chance she would die. They told me she would be in for about 4 hours. Since they hadn’t been able to get a hold of me, they gave the consent.
I waited for them to get a hold of me, rob was out of the house and I thought he had the car. They called me when she got out and told me to come down to the hospital that it wasn’t looking good. I had since spoken to rob and called him back as soon as I had heard from my family. I found out rob didn’t have the car, it was in the garage all along. I picked him up and headed to the hospital.
I got there and got to seem my mother. She didn’t look good. She was swollen and unconscious. The nurse told me to talk to her and let her know I was there. I didn’t need her to tell me that. I did it anyways. I told her I was there and that I loved her.
The next thing that I knew alarms were going off and they asked me to step out, several minutes went by with nurses rushing in and out, there was a code blue and they were doing all sorts of things. I couldn’t see much as the curtain was closed most of the time except when people went in and out. Eventually one came out and told me the doctor had called it.
She was gone.
I heard one nurse tell me she held on until I was there, that she waited for me. God what a horrible thing to hear. I know she was trying to comfort me, but all I heard all I still hear is that I killed my mother. That maybe had I not came she might have held on longer, gotten stronger to recover from the surgery. I still feel that I am responsible.
I never called her back. I never got to visit her in the hospital this time. I didn’t even know she was still there.
I have been going through periods of crying, guilt, depression, anger and numb. II hurt inside in ways I cannot even describe. I feel as if part of me is missing and there is nothing I can do to get it back. There isn’t anything I can do.
I want the hurting to stop. I don’t want to be dealing with the things I am now dealing with, I didn’t want to make funeral arrangements, I didn’t want to call people and tell them my mother is dead. I don’t want to do this.
I would give anything to have her back right now, to wake up and find out that this was some horrible dream. To get a call form the hospital saying they made a mistake and she was still alive just in some death like coma. Anything to make this untrue, not real. Her alive.
She was better than me, I always envied her. She didn’t have much but she cherished everything she had. I could have been a better son. I SHOULD have been a better son. She was all that I had and now she is gone and I am left with nothing but a painful hole in my soul.
I thought writing this would help. It doesn’t it just make it more painful. It makes me cry and makes me angry.
I hate god.
Yesterday, September 28, 2009. My mother passed away.
I am writing this to try to put words to my feelings, doubts, anger and fears in hope that it will help me through this whirlwind of emotional trauma I am currently experiencing.
My mother was a great woman. I don’t say that because she has passed, but because it is true. The woman didn’t have an evil bone in her body. She never knew a stranger. She easily would bring up conversation to people she just met or even who were just in the area she was in, much to my discomfort. She was the eternal optimist, always looking for the better day or the silver lining.
While there were those I know she didn’t care for because of something they had done, she never let it show to them. She was my world and now she is gone.
Last Monday she went into the hospital for dehydration. It was speculated that it was brought on by a mild case of food poisoning which was resulting in vomiting and dyarea. This was believed because her nephew also had the same symptoms but got over them faster.
So my uncle called me to inform me she was in the hospital. I spoke to him and then spoke to my mother. Our conversation was cut short because some nurses came in. It was expected that she would get an IV to replenish her fluids and be out in 1 or 2 days. I told her I would give her a call the next day and that I loved her.
I didn’t call. I don’t remember the reasons why, I got busy and forgot. Busy doing nothing important. I didn’t think about it. I figured she would home by Wednesday at the latest. It wasn’t uncommon for a few days to go by without talking to each other. She would call me if she wanted to talk.
Wednesday I was going to call but it was late when I thought about it, again each time Thursday and Friday. I went out of town Saturday and didn’t get home till early Sunday morning around 5-6am. I figured I would give her a call when I woke up. I knew I hadn’t talked to her in a few days and wanted to.
Sunday morning at 8am I got a call from the hospital. I honestly didn’t think she was still there. The said that they needed to draw a line and put her on a respirator because her blood pressure was dropping.
This was not the first time this had happened. Mom had always had low blood pressure and this was not the first time they had put her on the respirator. I was barely coherent having only been asleep a couple of hours. The nurse was less than helpful in answering my questions as to why she was even still there. All she kept doing was repeating the same thing over and over. I gave them consent to do it and figured I would get a couple more hours sleep then head down to find out what was going on.
It sounds horrible, but this was not the first time this had happened, I don’t want to say it was standard procedure but it wasn’t uncommon. Mom had averaged being in the hospital for one reason or another every month and many times it was her blood pressure.
I woke up a couple of hours later to find messages from my uncle and aunts and the hospital again. They had called when I was asleep and I didn’t hear the message. The said they had to rush her into emergency surgery. I found out that it had something to do with her colon/bowels and that according to my aunts if they didn’t she would die and if they did there was still a chance she would die. They told me she would be in for about 4 hours. Since they hadn’t been able to get a hold of me, they gave the consent.
I waited for them to get a hold of me, rob was out of the house and I thought he had the car. They called me when she got out and told me to come down to the hospital that it wasn’t looking good. I had since spoken to rob and called him back as soon as I had heard from my family. I found out rob didn’t have the car, it was in the garage all along. I picked him up and headed to the hospital.
I got there and got to seem my mother. She didn’t look good. She was swollen and unconscious. The nurse told me to talk to her and let her know I was there. I didn’t need her to tell me that. I did it anyways. I told her I was there and that I loved her.
The next thing that I knew alarms were going off and they asked me to step out, several minutes went by with nurses rushing in and out, there was a code blue and they were doing all sorts of things. I couldn’t see much as the curtain was closed most of the time except when people went in and out. Eventually one came out and told me the doctor had called it.
She was gone.
I heard one nurse tell me she held on until I was there, that she waited for me. God what a horrible thing to hear. I know she was trying to comfort me, but all I heard all I still hear is that I killed my mother. That maybe had I not came she might have held on longer, gotten stronger to recover from the surgery. I still feel that I am responsible.
I never called her back. I never got to visit her in the hospital this time. I didn’t even know she was still there.
I have been going through periods of crying, guilt, depression, anger and numb. II hurt inside in ways I cannot even describe. I feel as if part of me is missing and there is nothing I can do to get it back. There isn’t anything I can do.
I want the hurting to stop. I don’t want to be dealing with the things I am now dealing with, I didn’t want to make funeral arrangements, I didn’t want to call people and tell them my mother is dead. I don’t want to do this.
I would give anything to have her back right now, to wake up and find out that this was some horrible dream. To get a call form the hospital saying they made a mistake and she was still alive just in some death like coma. Anything to make this untrue, not real. Her alive.
She was better than me, I always envied her. She didn’t have much but she cherished everything she had. I could have been a better son. I SHOULD have been a better son. She was all that I had and now she is gone and I am left with nothing but a painful hole in my soul.
I thought writing this would help. It doesn’t it just make it more painful. It makes me cry and makes me angry.
I hate god.