am i a bad person?
background info: put bluntly, my mother is too obsessed with managing her money to maintain normal social behavior. towards the end of her marriage, she spent all of her time locked in her room sorting through coupons and calling credit card companies to make sure her balances were always accurate. although we were living in the same house, i hardly even saw her, forcing me to largely raise myself from the ages of 10 to 13 (and putting undue pressure on my dad to pick up the slack). she divorced my dad and moved out of the house over six years ago and is now living in hawaii with her mother.
as i documented in my last entry, a couple weeks ago i received my first correspondence from my mom in many months: an email that attempted to sign me up for an online banking site so she could collect a credit for the referral. no email asking how i'm doing in school or how my career goals are coming along, just an attempt to refer me to online banking. naturally, that pissed me off and brought me to the brink of just cutting her off from my life and pretending she doesn't exist.
now i think i've reached that point again. i tore open an envelope from her (the first one i've seen since christmas). inside was a generic birthday card (probably from a set of many) that simply read "happy 20th birthday -nachiko", and enclosed a check and two starbucks gift cards. no asking me how my life is, not even addressed to 'jamie'.
what the hell am i supposed to make of this!? doesn't she care enough to show her children affection instead of trying to buy them off? i immediately asked anyone if they would take the gift cards from me, because they're tainted to me. i would burn the check, but i feel it could be better used by a charity. any suggestions?
i'm torn, because i'd feel like a terrible son if i turned against my own mom. is it her fault that she somehow acquired a horribly wrong set of values? maybe she thinks the best way to show someone you love them is to write them a check. but don't i have the right to be mad?
for the moment, i don't feel like i have a mother at all. i just hope that feeling goes away. people who have healthy, loving families have no idea how lucky they are.
as i documented in my last entry, a couple weeks ago i received my first correspondence from my mom in many months: an email that attempted to sign me up for an online banking site so she could collect a credit for the referral. no email asking how i'm doing in school or how my career goals are coming along, just an attempt to refer me to online banking. naturally, that pissed me off and brought me to the brink of just cutting her off from my life and pretending she doesn't exist.
now i think i've reached that point again. i tore open an envelope from her (the first one i've seen since christmas). inside was a generic birthday card (probably from a set of many) that simply read "happy 20th birthday -nachiko", and enclosed a check and two starbucks gift cards. no asking me how my life is, not even addressed to 'jamie'.
what the hell am i supposed to make of this!? doesn't she care enough to show her children affection instead of trying to buy them off? i immediately asked anyone if they would take the gift cards from me, because they're tainted to me. i would burn the check, but i feel it could be better used by a charity. any suggestions?
i'm torn, because i'd feel like a terrible son if i turned against my own mom. is it her fault that she somehow acquired a horribly wrong set of values? maybe she thinks the best way to show someone you love them is to write them a check. but don't i have the right to be mad?
for the moment, i don't feel like i have a mother at all. i just hope that feeling goes away. people who have healthy, loving families have no idea how lucky they are.