More Shou-chan...
I feel so much better today. Maybe it was writing this, which fills my heart with glee in and of itself. Maybe it was reading Kemose's English paper, Eroticism in "Waiting for Godot" and "The Stranger", in which he used the phrase "erect penis" and described several dirty jokes and why hanged men get erections, among other things. Perhaps it was Andrew confessing undying love for me in Spanish and begging me to come to Vermont with him and share an apartment (if only he didn't really have a girlfriend...). Or Nadine, telling about her standardized testing experience in which the girl next to her kept grabbing her crotch. Whatever. Today was bound to be a good day.
I'm very suprised I wrote this, because I never write things like this. It made me laugh so hard all day; my teachers kept giving me weird looks. But Laura was right-it was very therapuetic, because I no longer feel so depressed.
In other news, Isaak's returned in Trinity Blood. YAY ISAAK!
Props to Laura-chan for giving me the perfect idea for Byakuran's gift, without knowing the characters or understanding the relationships.
The Courting of Irie Shouichi
In his own way, Shouichi had accepted that he was not the sort of boy that made women swoon. He was not the stuff of romance, with his messy red hair and too-thick glasses and permanently sorry look, as though he were continually apologizing for his existence.
So it came as something of a shock to find his research lab filled to bursting with red roses.
“What the hell…?”
At first he thought it was an elaborate practical joke on the part of the Cervello, or maybe Iris. (“You’re too serious, Irie-san,” she scolded him. “You need to get a girlfriend. Have a little fun once in awhile!”) Or maybe all of them. Inwardly he shuddered at the thought of their combined romantic notions and havoc they could wreak on him. Still, as he fought his way through the jungle of roses (why couldn’t they have thought to remove the thorns?) he couldn’t help feeling rather flattered and more than a little bit pleased.
The card was lying on his desk, on top of his research notes. It was a ridiculous cute little thing, all red and pink hearts and a sappy poem. He started to smile-
-until he caught sight of the signature.
Byakuran
Right on cue, the man popped up on the comm link, smiling a smile that had suddenly taken on a whole new meaning.
“Hi, Shou-chan!” he trilled cheerfully. “What do you think of my present?”
Shouichi took a deep breath, and began very, very carefully. “Byakuran-san…what the hell is this?”
Byakuran pouted. “Really, Shou-chan. They’re roses.”
“I know what they are!” Shouichi hissed. “I mean, what are they doing in my lab?!”
“I put them there for you.”
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why-did-you-put-flowers-in-my-lab?!”
Byakuran smirked. “I should think that would be fairly obvious, Shou-chan” and closed the link.
Shouichi made the equivalent noise of slamming his hand down on the keyboard. Then he methodically ripped the card into minute pieces and put the pieces through the shredder, before storming off to yell at the Cervello about putting a madman’s flowers in his private domain.
“It was cute, Irie-sama,” said one of the Cervello, a few days later. “I wish somebody would send me flowers.”
“Red roses,” sighed the other.
“No, you don’t,” snapped Shouichi. “What kind of man sends another man flowers?”
“Generally, Irie-sama, one sends flowers to someone one wishes to have relations with.”
“Sexual relations, Irie-sama,” added the other.
“What sort of sense does that make?”
There was a hesitant knock on the door. Shouichi gestured vaguely for the Cervello to open the door, absorbed in his computer data.
“I…um…have a package for Captain Irie,” the communications officer stammered. The Cervello inhaled sharply; Shouichi’s heart did a cannonball into his stomach.
“Irie-sama…”
The Cervello held out a box, wrapped in white paper with a huge red velvet bow. Shouichi swallowed hard.
“You open it,” he said in a slightly strangled voice, feeling his stomach begin to cramp.
The Cervello tore the paper off and ripped open the box. They began to laugh, twin voices blending in eerie harmony and setting Shouichi even more on edge.
“What is it?” he demanded, not really wanting to know the answer.
Still laughing, the Cervello held out a large glass bottle in a bizarrely curvy shape that he supposed later was meant to be erotic. It read:
Cherry-flavored Body Syrup
Guaranteed to add excitement to your love life!
(May also be used as lubricant)
“He’s not very subtle, our great leader, is he?” giggled the Cervello.
“GOD DAMN IT!” he shouted. He threw the bottle against the wall, where it exploded into a million tiny shards like fireworks and splattered against the wall like the scene of a massacre.
A week went by without mishaps. No more flowers, no more creepy gifts; life seemed relatively normal. Sure, the Cervello giggled sometimes when they looked at him, and he found himself blushing when a subordinate looked him strangely, and wondering if they had heard some sort of rumor. But on the whole, everything was lovely. Byakuran hadn’t bothered him, his research was progressing well…Yes, life was good for Irie Shouichi.
Until he woke in the middle of the night form a strange and troubling dream to find his wrists tied to the bedpost.
“Oh, no,” he groaned softly. “Oh, nonononono, this cannot be happening…”
He felt a weight settle on his bed, a white blur in the darkness, and he went very, very still.
“It’s very rude not to respond when someone sends you a gift,” said a low voice. “A thank-you card would have been appreciated.”
Shouichi sat bolt upright and whacked his head against the bedpost.
“Byakuran-san, what are you doing?” he demanded in a shaking voice.
“Normally, I am a very patient person,” Byakuran continued as though he hadn’t heard, and began to slide Shouichi’s boxers very gently off his hips. “I can wait for a very long time, depending on what I am waiting for. For example, I have waited for years to have the Vongola right where I want them.” He pulled the boxers off and dropped them casually on the floor. “But when you try my patience for too long, there are going to be consequences.” He pushed Shouichi’s legs apart. “Do you understand, Shou-chan?”
“I’m not sure…” Shouichi whispered. “Byakuran-san, please…”
Byakuran sighed theatrically, and Shouichi suddenly noticed that his boss had discarded his own clothing somewhere along the line. Oh, thought Shouichi, Oh no, no way…
“I’m so disappointed in you, Shou-chan; I thought you were smarter than that. Shall I show you what I mean?”
Before Shouichi could protest, Byakuran had climbed on top of him, pinning him gently with his hips as he brushed feathery kisses on Shouichi’s neck while the younger man protested feebly: “No…nononono…Byakuran, please don’t…” Byakuran ground against him and Shouichi groaned, losing the power of speech to the insistent heat pressing between his legs as Byakuran’s hands and mouth roamed his body.
“Relax, Shou-chan,” he admonished, chuckling throatily as he pressed kisses lower and lower, enjoying the soft inarticulate sounds Shouichi made. “We’re going to be here a very long time.”
In the end, it all seemed to work out. Per Shouichi’s request, Byakuran agreed to stop sending such exuberant gifts of love; several hangar bays of flowers later, plus a few complex bouquets with complicated meanings like “I pine for you endlessly and hope to exhaust my endless passion on you” (which took Shouichi hours to decipher, too late to keep Byakuran from making good on that threat), he still hasn’t figured out how to make Byakuran stop broadcasting their relationship to the entire Millefiore famiglia. But he’s found also that it doesn’t bother him so much anymore when he sends him such things.
Except when he fills the research lab with roses and forgets to remove the thorns.
Note: I can't believe I really wrote this...
I'm very suprised I wrote this, because I never write things like this. It made me laugh so hard all day; my teachers kept giving me weird looks. But Laura was right-it was very therapuetic, because I no longer feel so depressed.
In other news, Isaak's returned in Trinity Blood. YAY ISAAK!
Props to Laura-chan for giving me the perfect idea for Byakuran's gift, without knowing the characters or understanding the relationships.
The Courting of Irie Shouichi
In his own way, Shouichi had accepted that he was not the sort of boy that made women swoon. He was not the stuff of romance, with his messy red hair and too-thick glasses and permanently sorry look, as though he were continually apologizing for his existence.
So it came as something of a shock to find his research lab filled to bursting with red roses.
“What the hell…?”
At first he thought it was an elaborate practical joke on the part of the Cervello, or maybe Iris. (“You’re too serious, Irie-san,” she scolded him. “You need to get a girlfriend. Have a little fun once in awhile!”) Or maybe all of them. Inwardly he shuddered at the thought of their combined romantic notions and havoc they could wreak on him. Still, as he fought his way through the jungle of roses (why couldn’t they have thought to remove the thorns?) he couldn’t help feeling rather flattered and more than a little bit pleased.
The card was lying on his desk, on top of his research notes. It was a ridiculous cute little thing, all red and pink hearts and a sappy poem. He started to smile-
-until he caught sight of the signature.
Byakuran
Right on cue, the man popped up on the comm link, smiling a smile that had suddenly taken on a whole new meaning.
“Hi, Shou-chan!” he trilled cheerfully. “What do you think of my present?”
Shouichi took a deep breath, and began very, very carefully. “Byakuran-san…what the hell is this?”
Byakuran pouted. “Really, Shou-chan. They’re roses.”
“I know what they are!” Shouichi hissed. “I mean, what are they doing in my lab?!”
“I put them there for you.”
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why-did-you-put-flowers-in-my-lab?!”
Byakuran smirked. “I should think that would be fairly obvious, Shou-chan” and closed the link.
Shouichi made the equivalent noise of slamming his hand down on the keyboard. Then he methodically ripped the card into minute pieces and put the pieces through the shredder, before storming off to yell at the Cervello about putting a madman’s flowers in his private domain.
“It was cute, Irie-sama,” said one of the Cervello, a few days later. “I wish somebody would send me flowers.”
“Red roses,” sighed the other.
“No, you don’t,” snapped Shouichi. “What kind of man sends another man flowers?”
“Generally, Irie-sama, one sends flowers to someone one wishes to have relations with.”
“Sexual relations, Irie-sama,” added the other.
“What sort of sense does that make?”
There was a hesitant knock on the door. Shouichi gestured vaguely for the Cervello to open the door, absorbed in his computer data.
“I…um…have a package for Captain Irie,” the communications officer stammered. The Cervello inhaled sharply; Shouichi’s heart did a cannonball into his stomach.
“Irie-sama…”
The Cervello held out a box, wrapped in white paper with a huge red velvet bow. Shouichi swallowed hard.
“You open it,” he said in a slightly strangled voice, feeling his stomach begin to cramp.
The Cervello tore the paper off and ripped open the box. They began to laugh, twin voices blending in eerie harmony and setting Shouichi even more on edge.
“What is it?” he demanded, not really wanting to know the answer.
Still laughing, the Cervello held out a large glass bottle in a bizarrely curvy shape that he supposed later was meant to be erotic. It read:
Cherry-flavored Body Syrup
Guaranteed to add excitement to your love life!
(May also be used as lubricant)
“He’s not very subtle, our great leader, is he?” giggled the Cervello.
“GOD DAMN IT!” he shouted. He threw the bottle against the wall, where it exploded into a million tiny shards like fireworks and splattered against the wall like the scene of a massacre.
A week went by without mishaps. No more flowers, no more creepy gifts; life seemed relatively normal. Sure, the Cervello giggled sometimes when they looked at him, and he found himself blushing when a subordinate looked him strangely, and wondering if they had heard some sort of rumor. But on the whole, everything was lovely. Byakuran hadn’t bothered him, his research was progressing well…Yes, life was good for Irie Shouichi.
Until he woke in the middle of the night form a strange and troubling dream to find his wrists tied to the bedpost.
“Oh, no,” he groaned softly. “Oh, nonononono, this cannot be happening…”
He felt a weight settle on his bed, a white blur in the darkness, and he went very, very still.
“It’s very rude not to respond when someone sends you a gift,” said a low voice. “A thank-you card would have been appreciated.”
Shouichi sat bolt upright and whacked his head against the bedpost.
“Byakuran-san, what are you doing?” he demanded in a shaking voice.
“Normally, I am a very patient person,” Byakuran continued as though he hadn’t heard, and began to slide Shouichi’s boxers very gently off his hips. “I can wait for a very long time, depending on what I am waiting for. For example, I have waited for years to have the Vongola right where I want them.” He pulled the boxers off and dropped them casually on the floor. “But when you try my patience for too long, there are going to be consequences.” He pushed Shouichi’s legs apart. “Do you understand, Shou-chan?”
“I’m not sure…” Shouichi whispered. “Byakuran-san, please…”
Byakuran sighed theatrically, and Shouichi suddenly noticed that his boss had discarded his own clothing somewhere along the line. Oh, thought Shouichi, Oh no, no way…
“I’m so disappointed in you, Shou-chan; I thought you were smarter than that. Shall I show you what I mean?”
Before Shouichi could protest, Byakuran had climbed on top of him, pinning him gently with his hips as he brushed feathery kisses on Shouichi’s neck while the younger man protested feebly: “No…nononono…Byakuran, please don’t…” Byakuran ground against him and Shouichi groaned, losing the power of speech to the insistent heat pressing between his legs as Byakuran’s hands and mouth roamed his body.
“Relax, Shou-chan,” he admonished, chuckling throatily as he pressed kisses lower and lower, enjoying the soft inarticulate sounds Shouichi made. “We’re going to be here a very long time.”
In the end, it all seemed to work out. Per Shouichi’s request, Byakuran agreed to stop sending such exuberant gifts of love; several hangar bays of flowers later, plus a few complex bouquets with complicated meanings like “I pine for you endlessly and hope to exhaust my endless passion on you” (which took Shouichi hours to decipher, too late to keep Byakuran from making good on that threat), he still hasn’t figured out how to make Byakuran stop broadcasting their relationship to the entire Millefiore famiglia. But he’s found also that it doesn’t bother him so much anymore when he sends him such things.
Except when he fills the research lab with roses and forgets to remove the thorns.
Note: I can't believe I really wrote this...